Mailbag!

Madison (WI) - Hater-in-chief is lazy. Hater-in-chief is busy. Hater-in-chief has plenty of ideas for content but somehow no time to implement them. And despite what you think, Hating does not generate enough revenue to drop all other pursuits. So what do you, precious Reader, get instead? Mailbag.

hey! that guy sleeping on the bench is my husband!
sincerely,
erin

Erin is of course referring to this picture:


Sleeping dude is actually a real dude

which was found in that devastating post of ours, cleverly entitled More Mailbag! So Erin, you might be wondering why we included a picture of your dear hubby in our blog. Well, this gets back to the "we are lazy" bit above: we simply searched google images for sleeping dudes. Your hubby, apparently, is the first such picture that did not entirely creep us out. So consider it a compliment of sorts, from this wondrous website to you and yours. You're welcome! And Erin herself remains a mystery. Could it be Erin Andrews? Erin Brockovich? Hurricane Erin? The world may never know.


Will the real Erin please stand up?


Due to our increased import in the online media world, we also received this tidbit from our buddy Tom, apparently a high-roller in the realm of Men's Magazines:

In an effort to ease US/Russian relations, Maxim.com has sent its editors to Moscow’s Red Square in order to capture some of the country’s most beautiful sights. Now THAT’S diplomacy!
Maxim Goes to Russia
Enjoy…
Tom

Now, who among us isn't impressed by Maxim's efforts to reach out to our Russian comrades? Let's hope they get involved with the middle east next.

Finally, we have Paul, who writes:

I'm a die hard Jets Fan, and I think I hate the PATS more than you!
I think I'm buying a shirt.

Dear Paul: you may be a die hard Jets fan (though a clear sign of insanity). You may also hate the Pats (a clear sign of immense intelligence). But there is no way in this dear life that you hate the Pats more than we do. Please read our hundreds of other blog posts to see why. And yes, buy more shirts! That final piece of wisdom, Paul, shows us you are a real man of genius. Mr. Jet-lovin-Pat-hating-Tshirt-buying-website reader...

More Mailbag!

Madison (INEPT) - The letters keep flowing. They make a simple point, repeatedly. It is best summarized by John:

I am a frequent visitor to IHateTheNewEnglandPatriots.com and an avid hater. Ever since the 2001 AFC Championship I have hated Belichick and Brady more than life itself.

I figured there would be tons of updates after the start of the NFL season and especially with Brady going out for the season, but nothing. I waited a week to see if there would be any updates and couldn't stand it any longer. Please tell me the site will live on. It has to.

Thanks,

John

Dear John (and others): There is a simple reply to this. Have we been sitting around, doing nothing, while this new football season lives on? No, John, no sir.


Have we been sleeping? Well, maybe.

So, the astute reader might ask, what exactly have we been doing? Simple. We have been mustering our troops, reinforcing our weaknesses. The game films are being broken down, and new strategies being formed. Questions? They are being answered. Doubts? Removed. And now, after the new Undefeated season has again become Defeated (by the mighty Fins, no less), we are summarized by one clear word: Back. That's right, our friends. We. Are. Back.

More mail, this time from long-time reader, first-time mailbagger Joe:

Was injuring Brady really necessary, hex man?
-Joe

Well, this is at least an easy one to answer. Yes. First, we tried simple curses. No luck. Then, a series of prayers, one in each of the major religions. Apparently, those gods have no ears for such desires. Finally, a successful strategy:


How Tom's Injury Happened

A simple poke to the knee, and we were done. And to all you Haters out there: you're welcome.

Finally, a more business-minded letter. Bryan writes:

Hi,
I am interested in purchasing one to two simple text links on your website's homepage. How much would you charge for that?
Thanks.
Bryan

How much, for access to the legions of Haters out there that this site has so carefully bred over these past four years? How much, for direct connect to an army of T-shirt buying, bad-website-reading, probably jobless teenagers? How much, you ask? Well, not much. Make an offer.


We're in the Money.

Coming soon: A discussion of the Fiasco in FloridaFoxboro. The ghosts of the '72 Dolphins seem to be alive and kicking.

Mailbag!

Dedicated reader Kevin writes:

He started out as an intern for the New England Patriots, then Will McDonough made a very important friend. Since then got himself a much, much sweeter job, handling Tom Brady’s private affairs… a job so secretive that not even his best friends have any idea what he does. Here is Boston magazine’s look at the man who rode the Super Bowl QB’s coattails to greater fame.

Click here for the article. It is a bizarre read. For those of you too lazy to click (likely, most of you), here are some of the interesting snippets:

For those who don't remember, Brady was not all that long ago a floppy-haired underdog who favored blazers with elbow patches. Even after his early on-field success, he retained a dorky aw-shucks style. He hated the podium and was unprepared for celebrity. Then, before our eyes, he became the metro-sexual who now flits about Europe, paparazzi in his wake. These days Brady seems quite comfortable in his underwear, accessorized perhaps with a sweaty bottle of Smartwater and some Stetson cologne. Compared with Peyton Manning, who hams it up for the NFL's yeasty audience and wouldn't be caught dead in a Movado watch, Brady is a fey extraterrestrial. He has leveraged his appeal in a restrained fashion that transcends his sport. The approach might even be called elegant. But the process has not been intuitive. Brady has needed help. That's where McDonough comes in.

So basically, Tom needed some dude to come in and help him dress. Kind of reminds me of the whole Al Gore/Naomi Wolf thing. Let's hear what our Republican pals think of Tommy! It continues:

At the same time, just like Eric, McDonough has his detractors, those who see him as a lucky boob. A coattailer. And they aren't afraid to voice their opinions, at least anonymously. On one blog, McDonough is called an "ass clown," a "jock sniffer," a "douche," and a "hog sucker." Other people interviewed for this story expressed a disbelief bordering on outrage at his success. Invariably, though, the critics didn't actually know him. They'd merely crossed his path at a party somewhere.

This is what reporting has come to: on "one blog", he was called an "ass clown." Wow! On a blog! It must be true! Being the crack reporters that we are here at INEPT, we decided to track these references down.


McDonough and Bruschi

Turns out the reporter meant that phrases such as "ass clown" and "jock sniffer" were actually found in the reader comments at barstool sports:

I hate to say this as an alum, but McDonough went to BC, graduated in '02. He has worked at the Pats since then and somehow became best pals with Brady. Honestly, I don't totally like Brady because he is friends with this ass clown. McDonough has been a jock sniffer for years, it finally paid off for him. Good for him, I guess.
— George Brett, Apr 25 2008, 1:27 pm

No, not that George Brett. Further down, we get this quote:

For anyone who is doubting how much of a douche will is let me assure you...he is a douche. Having not only graduated from BC w/this dbag i lived on his floor freshman year(cheverus 2nd for any doubters)....this kid sniffed more jock than george jung did coke. That's a fact. He is a douche, and will always be a douche....i now hate tom brady because he associates with this dbag.
— thekid, Apr 25 2008, 2:37 pm

And it goes on. So this is what we get from Boston Magazine: some writer looks up a blog post on Will McDonough, and then quotes the 12-year olds that comment there. Is that what print media has come to? Research that can be done in five minutes, taking quotes from 12-year old basement dwellars?

At INEPT, we go beyond print media. Way beyond. Instead of just cherry-picking the words from a few comments at barstool sports, we instead make up a comprehensive wordle of the reader response:




Wordle rules: Click on the image if it is too fuzzy

From this diagram, we get a much better sense of what people think of "Holley". Douche does stand out, you have to admit.

There's a lot more in the article. It is all pretty strange. Read the rest yourself, or better yet, don't. At least we learned one thing from the experience: use wordle.

Tin Foil On Your Head

Boston (INEPT) - New sites are popping up left and right. Some are funny, some are lame. But all have this in common: They hate the New England Patriots.

The latest to join: the conspiracy-oriented Tin Foil On My Head. A wonderfully simple site with one goal in mind: getting your opinion on Spygate. Their mission statement:

And now we're told that Spygate is Over? Completely unacceptable! On his May 14, 2008 broadcast, Colin Cowherd on ESPN's "The Herd" challenged those conspiracy theorists who disagreed with the way the NFL is handling ... check that, concealing the New England Patriots SpyGate abomination, to set up a website entitled "TinFoilonMyHead.com" to voice our opinions. That's precisely what this is. If you object to how the current administration is rolling over for the Mighty New England Patriots and their asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, multiple championships. If you find it peculiar that the NFL has destroyed the Spygate tapes and levied penalties before seeing all of the evidence. If you're of the opinion that bending or misinterpreting a set of rules that are followed by every other team in the National Football League is the definition of the word cheating. Let your opinion be heard.

You may now be wondering: can anything inspired by Colin Cowherd really be a good idea? Well, maybe not. But we are willing to overlook this small blemish in what otherwise is an excellent calling.

Other gems from the site include:


Arlen: You've got our vote

And, less fortunately:


This movie sucked

The intro paragraph also includes some well thought out witticisms:

WE, a nation of tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorists have been called to action. We are the internet surfing uber-geeks who believe the moon landing was staged on a Hollywood back lot. We are the disciples of Al Gore who actually purchased a copy of his DVD. We subscribe to the theory that global warming looms and will kill us all, just like a meteor ended the dinosaurs. We believe that the pyramids were built by aliens, that UFO's regularly abduct red-blooded, tax-paying Americans, and that the government is actively engaged in a multi-national cover up to hide the existence of extra terrestrial life forms. We are a nation of believers that watched the X-Files and understand that, "The Truth is out there."

What can we conclude from this prose? A number of thoughts come to mind:

• This site is not serious. Which is likely the case, and if so, too bad.
• The creator of the site is a good writer. Which makes us forgive the first point.
• That we should all go watch Al Gore's movie. Because it is available in an environmentally-sound DVD case.

Al Gore DVD: When you toss it, it will degrade bio-sensibly

Pats Blog Roundup (Part 2): Actually Kind of Reasonable

Boston (INEPT) - We have actually done it. We looked for weeks and weeks, with the thought that it might be possible. We weren't sure. But it does exist. Yes, my friends, there is actually a Patriot blog with an (almost) reasonable opinion about Spygate. From none other than our friends at Pats Pulpit, we have this article.


Pats Pulpit: Almost Sane

Entitled "Final Thoughts on You Know What", this piece actually is (almost) sane in discussing Spygate and its impact on both Pats fans and the rest of us. To begin:

Truthfully, Spygate has exhausted me. Writing about it has consumed me and frankly, I've grown a bit tired of it. From a ridiculous number of articles to too many press conferences, I've grown weary. I'm sure you've grown tired of reading about it, too.

Pulpit: You started on the wrong foot here. The reason you are tired is simple: your team cheated, and we are all talking about it. That is tiring for you; however, for us, it is invigorating. Trust us, we could talk about how you cheated all day long. And we will.


This lady is tired of Spygate, but not us

The article then quotes some sportswriters about the impact of Spygate. For example, Bob Ryan of the Globe writes:

Here is what Bill Belichick has done: He has placed Patriots fans on the defensive for the rest of their lives.

The sports community now associates the Patriots with cheating. The three Super Bowl championships are, and forever will be, under suspicion. The thought will never go away.

The amazing thing here is the Pats Pulpit response:

Not so easy to read, is it fellow Pats fans? It's a jagged little pill to swallow.

So instead of crying and whining about how Spygate is all rediculous, we have a fairly sane response. Well done, Pats Pulpit! You stand out from the crowd.


Bob Ryan gets it right (but looks drunk)

Peter King is quoted too, and, in nice words, says that Belichick is a liar:

It is inconceivable to me -- and, obviously, to Roger Goodell and former Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh, too -- that Belichick would misinterpret the rule about videotaping.

So at this point, Pats Pulpit is on fire, quoting two "respected" sportswriters who point out that (a) there has been permanent damage done and (b) Belichick is clearly a liar. So far, so good.

Unfortunately, Pats Pulpit couldn't quite keep it up. In a rather sad attempt to keep the story "fair and balanced", some quotes by players who take the Pats' side are included. First, they quote one of the worst QBs ever to lead a team to a Superbowl victory, Trent Dilfer:

I don't take one thing away from them. Not at all. I'd have zero bitterness toward them as an opposing player. The Patriots have been the best-coached, most-talented team of this era, and they deserve to be thought of that way.

Football players can be pretty dumb, and Trent Dilfer shows here how dumb he is. Who cares what Trent Dilfer thinks? If you want to ask players, take an anonymous poll of players who played the Patriots during the past few years. How many players do you think would say they had a problem with the cheating?


Trent Dilfer: Bad on the field, worse off of it
(p.s. this pass was picked off)

Football player stupidity is highlighted further by Luis Castillo:

I'd never, not for one second, put an asterisk next to what they've accomplished. This game can't be planned or orchestrated just because you might know what our defense is going to do on a particular play. Would it help? Of course. But it takes a lot more than that to win any games, and to win a Super Bowl.

Of course it takes a lot more than that. However, it helps. And in games that are won and lost on a few plays, it could make the difference. That is the point, Luis.

Pats Pulpit closes with a plea for us "rival fans":

Rival Fans - Please be patient with us. We are trying to work this out. Our knee jerk reaction will be to defend that which has brought us so many great moments, so give us a little breathing room. I certainly understand if you feel, in some way, like your team may have been cheated and would've had a shot if not for the taping. But, please excuse me if I think getting an edge through questionable practices is more prevalent than the NFL and other teams are willing to let on. It's what keeps me sane when thinking about this. It's not much, but it's what I have to cling to.

What is fascinating about this quote is that (a) it puts forth the lame notion that "well, everyone else is probably cheating, so it's probably ok to cheat" but then (b) admits that this is lame and "not much to cling to." Yes, Pats Pulpit, it is lame. And not much to cling to. So stop clinging. Cleanse your soul, by admitting that you too have been duped, that your team (and in particular, coaches) let you down, that your dominance was specious at best. You shouldn't be sad or exhausted. You should be mad. You have been lied to, like the rest of us. Your cheating coach has tainted your team, and that is what we will all remember about this fine and glorious team, the Patriots.

Welcome, New Haters

Wisconsin (INEPT) - Here at INEPT, we like Dr. Seuss. Today, we paraphrase from one of our favorite Seussian stories, the Sleep Book. Of course, instead of sleep, we talk about our passion, Hatred:

Hatred's quite catching, you see. Like a cough.
It takes just one blog to start more Hatred off.

Seuss was talking about Yawns. We are talking about Hatred. But the point is clear: the movement is growing.


The Sleep Book Rules

Along those lines, it is our pleasure to welcome a new friend to the Hatredsphere, a blog succinctly titled Belichick Cheated. This new blog is in its infancy and thus needs your support. So far, some nice video links related to Goodell and Specter, and a great pointer to Easterbrook's article on ESPN. That article, by the way, is a must read for Haters (and frankly, non-Haters).


Easterbrook: A Must Read Article

The blog is run by the mysterious allCarry, who seems to also be affiliated with the equally-straightforwardly named Golf Blog. One of the posts from that site: OMG: John Daly, no shirt, no shoes, no nothin' and if that doesn't make you go check it out, who knows what will.


The link about Daly: OMG!

So a hearty welcome to our world of Hatred, brother/sister allCarry. May your Hatred last long, as well as your desire to post to your blog.

Other Patriot Blogs Also Suck

Boston (INEPT) - Just in case you thought that this was the only Patriot blog that sucks (albeit an Anti-Patriot blog), look no further. It turns out that many other Patriot blogs suck, too. Whew! We thought it was just us.

From a May 14th (2008) post on PatriotsBlog.net, we have this rant about Arlen Spector. From the article:

Yeah, that’s right, I said it. And it’s true. This guy just won’t stop. Get over it. The Eagles lost thge Super Bowl. This is one of the most rediculous things I’ve heard.

Lesson 1: Use spellcheck. Avoids simple problems like "thge" and "rediculous". We admit that all bloggers should be allowed a few typos. But try a little harder in the opening paragraph, ok?

Nobody wants to see Specter speak, not even Patriots haters. Everybody is sick of this idiot. He has no idea what he is talking about. He is the perfect example of someone who tries to abuse his power.

Lesson 2: Be correct. If you read this blog, you will, for example, learn that there are people who want to "see Specter speak." They are called "fans" of other "teams." Why, you ask? Well, simple: we want to know how much you cheated, cheaters. Duh.

But this is absurd. I decided I finally had to speak out. I understand that this post is simply a rant, and a very controversial one, but I just can’t stand Specter’s ignorance.

Lesson 3: Be consistent (especially in the same article). First, we heard that "Nobody wants to see Specter speak," but now we learn that the post is "very controversial." Which is it? If everyone agrees with you, it is not controversial. Controversy occurs when people disagree.

So there we have it. One Patriot blog, one poorly made point. There are many more. In the coming days, we will tour the Patriot blogosphere, and see what those poor slobs are up to. It will be gruesome, yes, but it must be done.

Note to World: Boston Sportswriters Suck, Too

Boston (INEPT) - Alert! Alert! Boston sportswriters suck, too! In our most recent episode, we have John Tomase explaining how he got it wrong when he claimed that the Patriots videotaped the Rams' walkthrough.


John Tomase: Profile in Idiocy

The basic mistake is explained here:

Two days before the Super Bowl, I finally believed I had it nailed that the Pats had indeed taped that walkthrough. I didn’t know what happened to the tape or if it ever found its way to the coaching staff, but I felt I had the basic story, and even though I didn’t feel great about going the anonymous source route, this one was ready for print.

Turns out I could not have been more wrong. I regret it, and that’s something I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

What a moron. Some anonymous sources say a thing or two and this guy is off and running. The real story: for a moment Tomase aspired to be a "writer" and not what he is (or rather, should be), which is a "homer". No one wants their local sportswriter to do stuff like this, period. Tomase forgot the cardinal rule of sportswriting: you are writing to fans of the team! Idiot.

We also get to learn that Tomase is basically an incompetent journalist:

I should not have written the story without seeing the tape or getting multiple, firsthand confirmations from members of the organization.

Rephrase: I am a bad reporter, and don't know how to report (like most sports reporters). From now on, I will try to actually implement the lessons I learned in Journalism 101 class at Northeastern.

An interesting comment about Roger Goodell, chief Moron of the NFL, slips into the article:

I attended Roger Goodell’s state of the league address and asked him afterward if he had ever investigated allegations that the Patriots had filmed the Rams’ walkthrough. He said it was the first he’d heard of it, though a day later he’d release a statement saying the league investigated the rumor months ago and believed it to be unfounded.

Wow! A little bombshell in the middle of this pandering apology. One day, Goodell has never heard of the allegations. The next day, he claims he investigated the rumor months ago and didn't find anything. What can we conclude from this? Thus, either Goodell is quite forgetful, or has very little idea of what is actually going on. Kind of worrisome, no?


More Proof: Goodell is Clueless


Tomase then tries to outline a plan to win back the favor of Patriot fans:

What happens from here? I intend to continue covering the Patriots to the best of my abilities, and that means pursuing every storyline, good or bad. I have relationships to mend within the organization and with my readers. The process of regaining your trust will not be an easy one.

Rephrase: I will now become the homer reporter you always wanted, instead of a pretend journalist with aspirations of Woodward and Bernstein. I will never watch All the President's Men again. If there is a story that sounds bad, I will not write it or even think about it. You will see a lot of puff pieces from me.


Never again, Tomase.

And the final sad appeal:

On Feb. 2, I let you all down. Today I hope to begin the long road back.

What he is really saying: please don't make the paper fire me. Please!


A man begging for his job. However, this man weighs much less than Tomase (and most sportswriters)

So what have we learned? The major points:

• Tomase is an idiot. If I lived in New England, and valued my life, and was a sportswriter, and had some semblance of a brain in my head, I would never write an article. Thus, Tomase either is planning on moving, has a death wish, or lacks in some categories upstairs.
• Sportswriters suck. Coming as no surprise, sportswriters are even worse journalists than most writers. The mistake Tomase made was to aspire to greatness by writing a "hard hitting" story. He should know better. You write about sports for a living, Tomase! Keep it simple, happy, and (usually) true.
• Goodell is clueless. Again, no surprise. Roger Goodell doesn't know what is going on, and doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to get to the bottom of things, and unless the Senate does, we will never know how much or often the Patriots cheated.
• Tomase has provided vindication for New England fans. The real sad part of this story is that it gives Patriot fans something to point and say "Hey! We told you so. The media is out to get us, and is likely wrong. And look at what a bunch of clowns they are!" All of which is too bad, because it obscures the real fact that New England has been cheating for years and it obviously has given them a tremendous advantage in that time.

Walsh: The Aftermath

New York (INEPT) - A great article from the N.Y. Times recapping Walsh's comments on spygate. Some choice quotes:

In an interview with The New York Times on Wednesday, Walsh disputed several statements given by Coach Bill Belichick, who has insisted that he misinterpreted the league’s rules and described the impact of the tapes as minimal, telling The Boston Globe in February that the value of the tactics rated as a 1 on a scale of 1 to 100.

“We live in a country that’s very forgiving, if you come out and admit the mistake that you’ve made,” Walsh said. “In saying that, ‘I misinterpreted the rules,’ he didn’t come across to me as being culpable for the actions he had taken. It seemed a little arrogant.”

Arrogant? Yes. But we have another word for it: Lying. And what about the fact that old Bill claims he wouldn't even recognize Walsh?

He said he was surprised when Belichick told The Globe that he could not pick Walsh out of a lineup. Walsh remembers specific conversations the two had, including a running joke about the book “Friday Night Lights.” Belichick has long been noted for his memory, and upon seeing Walsh reading the book a second time, he joked about Walsh’s not having finished it.

Walsh still has a sweater — charcoal, V-neck, sleeves intact despite Belichick’s propensity for cutting them off his own sweatshirts — given to him at Christmas in 2001 from Belichick and his wife, Debby. When people have asked Walsh about Belichick saying he did not know him, Walsh says, “Well, could he pick me out of one of the three team pictures we were in together?”

Hmmm... our analysis reveals: Bill is lying again! As for how important it was:

“The information we were gathering was meant to help us the next time we played a team,” Walsh said. “If it was 1 out of 100, we probably wouldn’t have felt the need to do it as often as we did. Or go to the lengths we did to ensure getting the film.”

And we also get to learn why Charlie Weis is such a big failure at Notre Dame:

After filming opponents’ signals, Walsh would edit the tape or deliver the original to Adams. Walsh said a quarterback — he declined to say whom — would learn the signals, and the next time the Patriots played that team, the quarterback would relay that information to Weis, who would use the coach-to-quarterback communication system to send the information to the field.

No more tapes, Charlie! Which gives us the thought: Notre Dame should sue the Patriots. Their actions led them to believe that Weis could actually coach. Now, look at how much money they are hemorraghing. Thanks, Patriots.


Charlie: Tapes Make Playcalling Fun

We also get a sense of how the Patriots worked the system:

The Patriots then opened the regular season against the Buccaneers. Walsh said this was the first time he had seen quarterback Drew Bledsoe operate a no-huddle offense when not in a two-minute or hurry-up situation.

In the week after the game, Walsh said he asked a quarterback — again, he declined to name whom — how helpful the signals were. Walsh said the quarterback told him “probably about 75 percent of the time, Tampa Bay ran the defense we thought they were going to run — if not more.” (Bledsoe was the Patriots’ starting quarterback in 2000. The other quarterbacks on the roster were Tom Brady, Michael Bishop and John Friesz.)

Which leads us to our last (and perhaps only) point: Walsh basically says that Brady, Bishop, or Friesz knows more about what was going on. On the other side, we have the NFL (through their head apologizer, Roger Goodell), saying "I don't know where else I would turn." Now, somebody help me out here: has the NFL gotten Brady, Bishop, and Friesz to testify about what they did? Seems odd, doesn't it?


Brady, Bishop, Friesz: What do you have to say?

What is pretty clear from all of this: the NFL wants Spygate to go away. If it does, they can just say: it happened, but we penalized it, and now it isn't a problem anymore. Let's move on.


Spector: Our last hope for the Truth (note American Flag in background)

But if it doesn't, and if our hero Arlen Spector gets a hold of some of these other (in some case, former) players, or former coaches, and puts them under oath, something else might happen. What is now an asterisk may become a call to take down those banners, to reclaim those rings.

A Culture of Cheating

New York (INEPT) - So, for now, it ends. Commissioner Goodell, chief bumbler in this misnomer of an "investigation", summarizes with this statement:

"I don't know where else I would turn."

You don't? Well, gee, Roger, you must have tried hard. After all, you tried to brush this all under the rug until the Senate got involved. So please excuse us if we don't feel overly assured by your lack of creativity in getting to the bottom of what may go down as one of the worst coaching scandals in the history of sports.


Goodell: Not exactly Columbo.

Let us recap. Belichick, a rather resounding failure in Cleveland. Belichick, so smart (he thinks), that he should be a success in the league. He just knows it. How to get an edge? How to get past yet another mediocre season, yet another failed attempt at being the best? Then he read a famous book by Dr. Seuss (yes, we are speculating). From the Grinch:

"The he got an idea, an awful idea,
Belichick had a wonderful, awful idea."

Grinch: He also had an awful idea.

The answer was simple, and consistent with everything we now know about this boring, miserable, failure of a man. It is not about how you play. It is not about integrity, of the game, of the players, of the coaches. It is about one thing: winning at all costs.

Once you decide it is about winning and only winning, everything comes into clear focus. What do you do when you see a player suddenly bulk up? Easy; you look the other way. What do you do if you find out somebody is jamming signals of the opposing team? Easy; you look the other way. And what do you do if your coaching is good, but not great, not Superbowl-winning coaching? Easy. You cheat.


Belichick: You are just like Italian Soccer, Boring and a Cheat.

These are the guidelines to living in the Culture of Cheating that Belichick and friends have so carefully developed. Before we knew the truth, they were celebrated. But now, with facts in hand, History in all her glory will do what only History can: place these achievements in their proper light. A Tainted Dynasty. Winners, but not in the usual sense of the word. Liars. Cheaters.

The ironic result of the entire affair: there is now a large cloud cast over every single thing that the Patriots have done over the past years. Let us review:

• Patriots: A clutch team that wins close games. Think about how many tight games were won during the three Superbowl wins. Clutch, right? Maybe. But in light of cheating, we have a problem: if videotaping gives just a "slight" edge, a close win might have turned into a close loss. Just one blowout Superbowl victory might have done the trick here. But winning by 3, 3, and 7 doesn't quite lift the cloud.
• Coach Belichick: Hard to beat his team the second time around. What used to be the mythos that surrounded Belichick and his "genius" coaching was that he would figure you out, and the next time he played you, win (even convincingly). How does that look now? Would he be so great without the tapes? Ask the Giants. They played the Pats twice last year. I think the second time turned out OK.
• Patriots: A team full of "overachievers" that no one else thought was good enough or fast enough or young enough. Turns out they weren't good enough, fast enough, or young enough. What they were: pumped full of steroids or HGH or who knows what else. What they were: coached (through cheating) to be in the right place at the right time.

The sad thing: it does not seem that any of the cheaters actually learned a lesson. Belichick, famously: "I misinterpreted the rules." What do you mean, you can't do HGH? I thought you meant you can't get "HiGH", so we stopped smoking dope. What do you mean, you can't jam the other teams signals? I thought you meant no cornerback jamming beyond five yards. Another example of how little they learned: here is the Patriot team response to the Walsh investigation:

We hope that with Matt Walsh's disclosures, everyone will finally believe what we have been saying all along and emphatically stated on the day of the initial report: 'The suggestion that the New England Patriots recorded the St. Louis Rams' walk-through on the day before Super Bowl XXXVI in 2002 is absolutely false. Any suggestion to the contrary is untrue.'"

Wow. They completely deny taping the walk-through. Do you deny cheating for the entire time Belichick has been coach at New England? Not so much. Do you even deny getting some info from the walk-through? No. But you didn't tape it. Congratulations, jerks.

We are reminded of the ending of the Grinch tale, too. You see, Belichick should have read all the way to the end of the story. In it, the Grinch saw the error in his ways:

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch carved the roast beast!

Redemption is only found when a lesson is learned, when a mistake is admitted, when new paths are forged and old rotten habits left behind. This is not the path the Patriots have chosen. Rather, they choose denial, they choose misinterpretation, but we all know the result: their hearts are still two sizes too small. And no, Bill, you can't carve the Roast Beast.


No Roast Beast for Bill

Here He Comes

Wisconsin (INEPT) - Here he comes. None other than Matt Walsh. And he will be telling all in a tell-all we'd all like to be told about. From ESPN:

Former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh, who has told ESPN.com he has potentially damaging information about the team's taping practices, reached an agreement Wednesday to meet with league officials and turn over any videotapes he might have to support his allegations.

What will he say? What will he prove? What will be on the tapes? And, more interestingly, what will we all say when Belichick and friends deny that they asked Walsh to make those tapes, that he did it "of his own volition?"


Walsh: Man, Myth, or Legend?

That is our claim: the word "volition" will be used a lot. Yes folks, volition.

In case you haven't been paying attention, Matt Walsh is now a golf pro in Hawaii. He has also worked in bobsledding. Just think of it: the entire Patriot dynasty brought down by a golfer/bobsledder dude. It could only be worse if he was also a professional bowler.


Professional Bowling Tour Beware: Here Comes Walsh


Coming soon: Draft fun, schedule mockery.

South Park Destroys Belichick

Wisconsin (INEPT) - Sorry I missed this when it came out. But in case you did too:



And then this:



And finally:



Full clips here.

"I misinterpreted the rules! I misinterpreted the rules!"

"What do they call cheaters who win? Savvy."

Coming soon: Draft Preview. Also known as: how did those jerks get to keep the #7 pick???!!!

More Mailbag

Wisconsin (INEPT) - It is that time of year. March Madness, Frozen Four, and a tradition unlike any other, the Masters. Why can't it just be a tradition that is like other traditions? We can only wonder.

Football is an agonizing number of months away. But you, dear Reader, cannot be stopped. No, your mail flows in, unabated. And we find that, for your sake, we must answer. What would you do without our words of wisdom and healing?


Sarah mailed us. Not this Sarah, probably. (that is Sarah Connors from the TV show, Terminator. It is an awesome show)

Today, we consider a letter from Sarah, a young but impressionable fan of this site:

I emailed earlier but I had one question: Do you think it's abnormal that I now have a crush on everyone I meet named Eli? (I am a girl, so it's not disturbing, but is it abnormal?) -Sarah I.

Dear Sarah,
Of course, this is abnormal. But then again, you are reading a blog about deeply-felt and passionate Hatred for a football team. So consider it redundant.

That said, here at INEPT, we try to help our Readers as much as possible. Thus, here are some other Elis you might consider in your crushing.


Eli Stone: Please Cancel

Eli Stone is a TV show about a guy who gets a tumor in his head and switches from being an asshole lawyer to being a good-guy lawyer. Apparently, only cancer makes lawyers have a conscience. Or, bad TV shows. Whichever way, this is one Eli to look out for.


Eli Wallach: Awesome as a mean Mexican dude

For those of you too young to recognize this fine actor, it is none other than Eli Wallach. He has been in so many movies it is sick, but of course we remember him best in the flick that defines Spaghetti westerns, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. You may be wondering which of the three title roles he plays. Well, you guessed it: he plays Ugly. That is OK, though, because Eli gets most of the funny lines. Clint Eastwood just looks cool and does cool stuff, but isn't as funny as Eli.


Eli Roth: Horror Dude

Finally, we come to Eli Roth. He has been called the "crown prince of horror", but we know him better as "some guy who makes dipshit movies that only 15-year-olds see." Maybe not prime dating material, considering the main plot lines of his movies seem to involve cutting off lots of body parts.

So, dear Sarah, there you have it. You can crush on a fictional TV show guy, a real stud of an actor who just turned 83, or a punk director who will probably torture you before ending your life. Your call. Either way, none compare to our current football god, Mr. Manning the Junior:


Eli: You're still no. 1 with us, even if that is the wrong jersey

Mailbag!

Wisconsin (INEPT) - Time for some more reader mail. Enjoy!

Hey man fellow New England Patriot hater
here just thought I should send
this pic to you maybe you have seen this already.
-Saul R.

Sorry, Kids

Sorry, kids. We hate to disappoint. But those T-shirts should be used for a number of other things other than wearing. For example, cleaning up a mess, or burning. Thanks Saul!

From a lover:

Whats up Hater -- thought the site was a blast.
I'm adding a section of Hatriot links to my site
NE Patriots Draft and you are #1 in the links.
Congrats. Any link love that you could send
my way would be great. Keep up the good
(however misguided) work.
-James

Dear James: Finally, a Lover who gets it! There is no need to hate us. Just embrace that for every fan, there is an anti-fan. It is like Newton's Third Law, but applied to football fandom. You can't change laws of nature! Thus, we are honored to link to this fine New England site. See the sidebar for them and others.

And another:

Dear Hater,
Love the site. Please keep it up
during the offseason!
-Anon

Dear Anon, alas, we cannot keep up the Hatred year round. It is too much for any one man to support a deep passion such as this 365 days a year. Thus, we are on hiatus until August or so. But then, something special begins. As the news of New England greatness begin to roll in, as the prognosticators and pundits start to pick the Patriots for perfection (again), The Hatred begins to simmer. It begins to boil. And soon, you will have another explosion of Hatred to fill your football season. Until then, sporadic posting, at best. And one more thing, too: T-shirts. There is never a bad time to buy T-shirts. Enjoy!








18-1: Available in your favorite team colors (Giants, Colts, Jets, Steelers, Dolphins, Bills, Chargers)

What better to wear to the next game against the Patriots your team plays?