Tin Foil On Your Head

Boston (INEPT) - New sites are popping up left and right. Some are funny, some are lame. But all have this in common: They hate the New England Patriots.

The latest to join: the conspiracy-oriented Tin Foil On My Head. A wonderfully simple site with one goal in mind: getting your opinion on Spygate. Their mission statement:

And now we're told that Spygate is Over? Completely unacceptable! On his May 14, 2008 broadcast, Colin Cowherd on ESPN's "The Herd" challenged those conspiracy theorists who disagreed with the way the NFL is handling ... check that, concealing the New England Patriots SpyGate abomination, to set up a website entitled "TinFoilonMyHead.com" to voice our opinions. That's precisely what this is. If you object to how the current administration is rolling over for the Mighty New England Patriots and their asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, multiple championships. If you find it peculiar that the NFL has destroyed the Spygate tapes and levied penalties before seeing all of the evidence. If you're of the opinion that bending or misinterpreting a set of rules that are followed by every other team in the National Football League is the definition of the word cheating. Let your opinion be heard.

You may now be wondering: can anything inspired by Colin Cowherd really be a good idea? Well, maybe not. But we are willing to overlook this small blemish in what otherwise is an excellent calling.

Other gems from the site include:


Arlen: You've got our vote

And, less fortunately:


This movie sucked

The intro paragraph also includes some well thought out witticisms:

WE, a nation of tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorists have been called to action. We are the internet surfing uber-geeks who believe the moon landing was staged on a Hollywood back lot. We are the disciples of Al Gore who actually purchased a copy of his DVD. We subscribe to the theory that global warming looms and will kill us all, just like a meteor ended the dinosaurs. We believe that the pyramids were built by aliens, that UFO's regularly abduct red-blooded, tax-paying Americans, and that the government is actively engaged in a multi-national cover up to hide the existence of extra terrestrial life forms. We are a nation of believers that watched the X-Files and understand that, "The Truth is out there."

What can we conclude from this prose? A number of thoughts come to mind:

• This site is not serious. Which is likely the case, and if so, too bad.
• The creator of the site is a good writer. Which makes us forgive the first point.
• That we should all go watch Al Gore's movie. Because it is available in an environmentally-sound DVD case.

Al Gore DVD: When you toss it, it will degrade bio-sensibly

Pats Blog Roundup (Part 2): Actually Kind of Reasonable

Boston (INEPT) - We have actually done it. We looked for weeks and weeks, with the thought that it might be possible. We weren't sure. But it does exist. Yes, my friends, there is actually a Patriot blog with an (almost) reasonable opinion about Spygate. From none other than our friends at Pats Pulpit, we have this article.


Pats Pulpit: Almost Sane

Entitled "Final Thoughts on You Know What", this piece actually is (almost) sane in discussing Spygate and its impact on both Pats fans and the rest of us. To begin:

Truthfully, Spygate has exhausted me. Writing about it has consumed me and frankly, I've grown a bit tired of it. From a ridiculous number of articles to too many press conferences, I've grown weary. I'm sure you've grown tired of reading about it, too.

Pulpit: You started on the wrong foot here. The reason you are tired is simple: your team cheated, and we are all talking about it. That is tiring for you; however, for us, it is invigorating. Trust us, we could talk about how you cheated all day long. And we will.


This lady is tired of Spygate, but not us

The article then quotes some sportswriters about the impact of Spygate. For example, Bob Ryan of the Globe writes:

Here is what Bill Belichick has done: He has placed Patriots fans on the defensive for the rest of their lives.

The sports community now associates the Patriots with cheating. The three Super Bowl championships are, and forever will be, under suspicion. The thought will never go away.

The amazing thing here is the Pats Pulpit response:

Not so easy to read, is it fellow Pats fans? It's a jagged little pill to swallow.

So instead of crying and whining about how Spygate is all rediculous, we have a fairly sane response. Well done, Pats Pulpit! You stand out from the crowd.


Bob Ryan gets it right (but looks drunk)

Peter King is quoted too, and, in nice words, says that Belichick is a liar:

It is inconceivable to me -- and, obviously, to Roger Goodell and former Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh, too -- that Belichick would misinterpret the rule about videotaping.

So at this point, Pats Pulpit is on fire, quoting two "respected" sportswriters who point out that (a) there has been permanent damage done and (b) Belichick is clearly a liar. So far, so good.

Unfortunately, Pats Pulpit couldn't quite keep it up. In a rather sad attempt to keep the story "fair and balanced", some quotes by players who take the Pats' side are included. First, they quote one of the worst QBs ever to lead a team to a Superbowl victory, Trent Dilfer:

I don't take one thing away from them. Not at all. I'd have zero bitterness toward them as an opposing player. The Patriots have been the best-coached, most-talented team of this era, and they deserve to be thought of that way.

Football players can be pretty dumb, and Trent Dilfer shows here how dumb he is. Who cares what Trent Dilfer thinks? If you want to ask players, take an anonymous poll of players who played the Patriots during the past few years. How many players do you think would say they had a problem with the cheating?


Trent Dilfer: Bad on the field, worse off of it
(p.s. this pass was picked off)

Football player stupidity is highlighted further by Luis Castillo:

I'd never, not for one second, put an asterisk next to what they've accomplished. This game can't be planned or orchestrated just because you might know what our defense is going to do on a particular play. Would it help? Of course. But it takes a lot more than that to win any games, and to win a Super Bowl.

Of course it takes a lot more than that. However, it helps. And in games that are won and lost on a few plays, it could make the difference. That is the point, Luis.

Pats Pulpit closes with a plea for us "rival fans":

Rival Fans - Please be patient with us. We are trying to work this out. Our knee jerk reaction will be to defend that which has brought us so many great moments, so give us a little breathing room. I certainly understand if you feel, in some way, like your team may have been cheated and would've had a shot if not for the taping. But, please excuse me if I think getting an edge through questionable practices is more prevalent than the NFL and other teams are willing to let on. It's what keeps me sane when thinking about this. It's not much, but it's what I have to cling to.

What is fascinating about this quote is that (a) it puts forth the lame notion that "well, everyone else is probably cheating, so it's probably ok to cheat" but then (b) admits that this is lame and "not much to cling to." Yes, Pats Pulpit, it is lame. And not much to cling to. So stop clinging. Cleanse your soul, by admitting that you too have been duped, that your team (and in particular, coaches) let you down, that your dominance was specious at best. You shouldn't be sad or exhausted. You should be mad. You have been lied to, like the rest of us. Your cheating coach has tainted your team, and that is what we will all remember about this fine and glorious team, the Patriots.

Note to World: Boston Sportswriters Suck, Too

Boston (INEPT) - Alert! Alert! Boston sportswriters suck, too! In our most recent episode, we have John Tomase explaining how he got it wrong when he claimed that the Patriots videotaped the Rams' walkthrough.


John Tomase: Profile in Idiocy

The basic mistake is explained here:

Two days before the Super Bowl, I finally believed I had it nailed that the Pats had indeed taped that walkthrough. I didn’t know what happened to the tape or if it ever found its way to the coaching staff, but I felt I had the basic story, and even though I didn’t feel great about going the anonymous source route, this one was ready for print.

Turns out I could not have been more wrong. I regret it, and that’s something I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

What a moron. Some anonymous sources say a thing or two and this guy is off and running. The real story: for a moment Tomase aspired to be a "writer" and not what he is (or rather, should be), which is a "homer". No one wants their local sportswriter to do stuff like this, period. Tomase forgot the cardinal rule of sportswriting: you are writing to fans of the team! Idiot.

We also get to learn that Tomase is basically an incompetent journalist:

I should not have written the story without seeing the tape or getting multiple, firsthand confirmations from members of the organization.

Rephrase: I am a bad reporter, and don't know how to report (like most sports reporters). From now on, I will try to actually implement the lessons I learned in Journalism 101 class at Northeastern.

An interesting comment about Roger Goodell, chief Moron of the NFL, slips into the article:

I attended Roger Goodell’s state of the league address and asked him afterward if he had ever investigated allegations that the Patriots had filmed the Rams’ walkthrough. He said it was the first he’d heard of it, though a day later he’d release a statement saying the league investigated the rumor months ago and believed it to be unfounded.

Wow! A little bombshell in the middle of this pandering apology. One day, Goodell has never heard of the allegations. The next day, he claims he investigated the rumor months ago and didn't find anything. What can we conclude from this? Thus, either Goodell is quite forgetful, or has very little idea of what is actually going on. Kind of worrisome, no?


More Proof: Goodell is Clueless


Tomase then tries to outline a plan to win back the favor of Patriot fans:

What happens from here? I intend to continue covering the Patriots to the best of my abilities, and that means pursuing every storyline, good or bad. I have relationships to mend within the organization and with my readers. The process of regaining your trust will not be an easy one.

Rephrase: I will now become the homer reporter you always wanted, instead of a pretend journalist with aspirations of Woodward and Bernstein. I will never watch All the President's Men again. If there is a story that sounds bad, I will not write it or even think about it. You will see a lot of puff pieces from me.


Never again, Tomase.

And the final sad appeal:

On Feb. 2, I let you all down. Today I hope to begin the long road back.

What he is really saying: please don't make the paper fire me. Please!


A man begging for his job. However, this man weighs much less than Tomase (and most sportswriters)

So what have we learned? The major points:

• Tomase is an idiot. If I lived in New England, and valued my life, and was a sportswriter, and had some semblance of a brain in my head, I would never write an article. Thus, Tomase either is planning on moving, has a death wish, or lacks in some categories upstairs.
• Sportswriters suck. Coming as no surprise, sportswriters are even worse journalists than most writers. The mistake Tomase made was to aspire to greatness by writing a "hard hitting" story. He should know better. You write about sports for a living, Tomase! Keep it simple, happy, and (usually) true.
• Goodell is clueless. Again, no surprise. Roger Goodell doesn't know what is going on, and doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to get to the bottom of things, and unless the Senate does, we will never know how much or often the Patriots cheated.
• Tomase has provided vindication for New England fans. The real sad part of this story is that it gives Patriot fans something to point and say "Hey! We told you so. The media is out to get us, and is likely wrong. And look at what a bunch of clowns they are!" All of which is too bad, because it obscures the real fact that New England has been cheating for years and it obviously has given them a tremendous advantage in that time.

A Culture of Cheating

New York (INEPT) - So, for now, it ends. Commissioner Goodell, chief bumbler in this misnomer of an "investigation", summarizes with this statement:

"I don't know where else I would turn."

You don't? Well, gee, Roger, you must have tried hard. After all, you tried to brush this all under the rug until the Senate got involved. So please excuse us if we don't feel overly assured by your lack of creativity in getting to the bottom of what may go down as one of the worst coaching scandals in the history of sports.


Goodell: Not exactly Columbo.

Let us recap. Belichick, a rather resounding failure in Cleveland. Belichick, so smart (he thinks), that he should be a success in the league. He just knows it. How to get an edge? How to get past yet another mediocre season, yet another failed attempt at being the best? Then he read a famous book by Dr. Seuss (yes, we are speculating). From the Grinch:

"The he got an idea, an awful idea,
Belichick had a wonderful, awful idea."

Grinch: He also had an awful idea.

The answer was simple, and consistent with everything we now know about this boring, miserable, failure of a man. It is not about how you play. It is not about integrity, of the game, of the players, of the coaches. It is about one thing: winning at all costs.

Once you decide it is about winning and only winning, everything comes into clear focus. What do you do when you see a player suddenly bulk up? Easy; you look the other way. What do you do if you find out somebody is jamming signals of the opposing team? Easy; you look the other way. And what do you do if your coaching is good, but not great, not Superbowl-winning coaching? Easy. You cheat.


Belichick: You are just like Italian Soccer, Boring and a Cheat.

These are the guidelines to living in the Culture of Cheating that Belichick and friends have so carefully developed. Before we knew the truth, they were celebrated. But now, with facts in hand, History in all her glory will do what only History can: place these achievements in their proper light. A Tainted Dynasty. Winners, but not in the usual sense of the word. Liars. Cheaters.

The ironic result of the entire affair: there is now a large cloud cast over every single thing that the Patriots have done over the past years. Let us review:

• Patriots: A clutch team that wins close games. Think about how many tight games were won during the three Superbowl wins. Clutch, right? Maybe. But in light of cheating, we have a problem: if videotaping gives just a "slight" edge, a close win might have turned into a close loss. Just one blowout Superbowl victory might have done the trick here. But winning by 3, 3, and 7 doesn't quite lift the cloud.
• Coach Belichick: Hard to beat his team the second time around. What used to be the mythos that surrounded Belichick and his "genius" coaching was that he would figure you out, and the next time he played you, win (even convincingly). How does that look now? Would he be so great without the tapes? Ask the Giants. They played the Pats twice last year. I think the second time turned out OK.
• Patriots: A team full of "overachievers" that no one else thought was good enough or fast enough or young enough. Turns out they weren't good enough, fast enough, or young enough. What they were: pumped full of steroids or HGH or who knows what else. What they were: coached (through cheating) to be in the right place at the right time.

The sad thing: it does not seem that any of the cheaters actually learned a lesson. Belichick, famously: "I misinterpreted the rules." What do you mean, you can't do HGH? I thought you meant you can't get "HiGH", so we stopped smoking dope. What do you mean, you can't jam the other teams signals? I thought you meant no cornerback jamming beyond five yards. Another example of how little they learned: here is the Patriot team response to the Walsh investigation:

We hope that with Matt Walsh's disclosures, everyone will finally believe what we have been saying all along and emphatically stated on the day of the initial report: 'The suggestion that the New England Patriots recorded the St. Louis Rams' walk-through on the day before Super Bowl XXXVI in 2002 is absolutely false. Any suggestion to the contrary is untrue.'"

Wow. They completely deny taping the walk-through. Do you deny cheating for the entire time Belichick has been coach at New England? Not so much. Do you even deny getting some info from the walk-through? No. But you didn't tape it. Congratulations, jerks.

We are reminded of the ending of the Grinch tale, too. You see, Belichick should have read all the way to the end of the story. In it, the Grinch saw the error in his ways:

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch carved the roast beast!

Redemption is only found when a lesson is learned, when a mistake is admitted, when new paths are forged and old rotten habits left behind. This is not the path the Patriots have chosen. Rather, they choose denial, they choose misinterpretation, but we all know the result: their hearts are still two sizes too small. And no, Bill, you can't carve the Roast Beast.


No Roast Beast for Bill

Spygate Continues

Arizona (INEPT) - Despite the NFL's best efforts to squash the story (thanks Roger Goodell), the Spygate story continues to have legs. The latest is the appearance of Matt Walsh, the former video guru for the Patriots. Much to their displeasure, he has begun to talk. These quotes are from an excellent summary on ESPN (by Mike Fish).

• Fact: A video guy has been with the team a long time. Quoting the article:

  Matt Walsh worked seven years with the New England Patriots before being let go on Martin Luther King Day in 2003. He was on the New Orleans Superdome sidelines when the Pats kicked off their dominant run, upsetting the St. Louis Rams in the 2002 Super Bowl. He wasn't a chiseled athlete, but a go-getter who climbed his way up the team's support staff ladder -- first as a public relations intern, then as a video assistant and later, in his last year, a college scout.
  
  Mostly, though, his years with New England were spent shooting football video.
  



• Fact: The NFL doesn't seem to have done a very thorough investigation. Quoting again:

  
  Walsh told ESPN.com that, in the wake of the cheating scandal that broke early in the season, he has never been contacted by NFL officials to inquire about his insight into the Patriots' illegal taping practices, which he says date back to his time with the franchise. Nor, he said, has there been any communication with the Patriots.
  

  
  This news, plus the shredding of the evidence, confirms what many have felt: the NFL wants this to go away. But the truth has a way of coming out. Ask this guy.


• Fact: Belichick has been cheating for a looooong time:

  
  As for the prospect of Adams sharing insight into the suspicious practices, Walsh said: "You've got a better chance of him telling you who killed JFK than anything about New England. There are lots of stories there. He told me stories of things they used to do in Cleveland [where Adams assisted Belichick with the Browns]."
  

  Yes, that's right, since Cleveland. Of course, you'd think that this might have convinced him that cheating doesn't help very much (overall record at Cleveland: 36-44)


• Fact: ESPN is cheap, or chickenshit, or both.

  Walsh said he is fearful of possible legal action against him by either the league or Patriots if he details what he knows. He refused to provide evidence of potential wrongdoing unless ESPN agreed to pay his legal fees related to his involvement in the story, as well as an indemnification agreement that would cover any damages found against him in court. ESPN denied his requests.
  
  He [Walsh] said he fears the potential wrath of the Patriots, and their ability to tie him in up in court for an extended period of time. Although he stopped short of saying he has actual video evidence, he suggested he does; and so raised the possibility that it might be viewed as stolen property.

  Nice work, ESPN. Get the story, dammit! That's what you all are supposed to do! Well, that, and make stuff up.

So, my Friends, the story has legs. It is not going away. And somebody is going to get this guy to testify. Maybe our buddy Arlen Specter. Maybe our idols over at the New York Post. Or maybe some rich, dedicated Hater who wastes countless hours reading this blog.


Spygate has legs. Not nice like Giselle's, but legs.

At least, we won't have to hear lame arguments like this anymore:

Go and check out SI. And then watch some ESPN. You'll probably learn something (as hard as it seems) along the lines of that they found NO footage of us cheating during the Super Bowl.

Might want to rethink that one, huh?

Update: Unnamed sources suck. But they feed the Hatred, and we are Hungry. This article from ESPN news service:

An unnamed source has claimed a New England Patriots employee secretly videotaped the St. Louis Rams' pregame walk-through the day before Super Bowl XXXVI, the Boston Herald reported Saturday.

According to the report, an unnamed source close to the team during the 2001 season said that following the Patriots' walk-through at the Louisiana Superdome, a member of the team's video staff stayed behind and taped the Rams' walk-through -- a non-contact, no-pads practice at reduced speed in which a team goes through its plays.

Cheating is in the blood, apparently.

Update II: Video report from Michael Smith:



One word: Wow.

Alternate theory: Belichick is the unnamed source. He thinks his team isn't ready to play. He remembers earlier in the season when everyone was pissed off and was playing better. Evil genius at work again, or just cheaters?