Friday, September 28, 2007

Welcome Back, Rodney

Boston (INEPT) - INEPT would like to wish a warm welcome back to Rodney Harrison, the Hatriots cheater most glad about the Belicheat scandal. "I sure am glad about Coach's cheating; without him, there might have been more focus on my steroid abuse problems," a relieved Harrison told reporters while flexing his huge deltoids.

Rodney's Strength Coach

When asked about the potential harms of steroids, Harrison was quick to assure reporters of his virility. "Look, my wife is still happy, ok guys? I mean, pretty happy. Not ecstatic. Some things are smaller, it's true, but she said that's fine with her," Harrison said as a tear rolled down his face.

Rodney is sad about his testes

Rodney was quick to point out the he is quite manly on the field, if not off of it. "We'll see who is laughing come Sunday," Harrison proclaimed. "I am going to be wearing a new uniform though, as part of the league's new steroid abuse penalty."

Rodney's new Tutu

INEPT wishes Mr. Harrison good luck in his return. Keep up the 'roid rage, Rodney!

Addendum: INEPT notes that Rodney was caught taking HGH, not Steroids. However, despite the lack of evidence (besides musculature, anger-management problems, etc.), INEPT firmly believes that Rodney has been on the 'Roid train at some point in his career. Proof will likely come out in a tell-all book published in 2023.

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Wednesday, September 19, 2007

It's Official: Cheaters Prosper

Boston (INEPT) - In a sudden shift of the laws of the Universe and the theory of Karma, the New England Hatriots drubbing of the surprisingly toothless San Diego Unchargers proved that cheaters do in fact prosper.

Bonds, Maradona, Ben Johnson: "We Sure Are Relieved!"

Reaction from famous cheaters was swift. "Phew! What a relief," said a muscle-laden Barry Bonds*, most prolific home-run hitting steroid user in baseball history. "I thought for sure I was going straight to hell."

The Devil, Sad

Others were less thrilled. "This is going to ruin our numbers for the next millenium," said a forlorn looking Devil. "Cheating is in. And if it turns out it's OK, we'll have to look elsewhere to meet our quotas."

With this inexplicable turn of events, scientists immediately began to investigate whether other time-tested universal truths still held. The results, printed here for the first time, were startling:
  • Lying no longer causes any of the following to happen: dying, or sticking a needle in your eye.
  • Love is no longer blind, but in fact can see quite well.
  • Regardless of apple intake, you will eventually see the doctor.

"Perhaps this has something to do with global warming," uttered an Orson-Wellian Al Gore.

Al Gore: What Happened?

* This is an asterisk. Get used to seeing it, Hatriot fans.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Spielberg Signed For Next Video Series

New England (INEPT) - In a move intended to "raise the level of secret-stealing videos", coach Bill Belichoke hired three-time Academy Award winner Steven Spielberg to film the Hatriot's next three opponents.

Spielberg joins the Dark Side

"We're really excited about this opportunity," said Spielberg. "It gives a chance here at Dreamworks to do something successful that isn't named Shrek." When asked for his latest thoughts on that lovable ogre, Spielberg said "What? Belichoke isn't that bad. Sure, he might not shower or change his clothers that often, but really guys, calling him an ogre?"

Shrek, Belichoke: Who is Uglier?

When asked for the rationale behind the move, an unusually talkative Belichoke stated that "bringing in top-notch people is important behind anything you do. We realized that some of our previous efforts in cheating, err, video production were less than stellar. So we went for the best: Spielberg. And we got him."

Reaction from other teams was swift. "Damn Hatriots, first Moss, now Spielberg. Who will they bring on next?" said a bewildered Eric Boygenius, beleagured head coach of the New York Letdowns. "I'm not sure who we can get. Maybe that fat guy who does documentaries?

Sorry, Jets, I'm Working in College Football

Related Links:

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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Welcome To The Hatred-sphere

INEPT proudly welcomes Patriots DDD to the world of Hatriot anti-fandom. Welcome aboard, friends! A tremendous photo begins P3D's odyssey of hating that team from the Northeast:

DDD Brings It With Pictures

Nice picture! Looking forward to some more posts. Not sure about the third D, though, P3D, that may be getting a little too personal.

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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I'll Be Back

Madison (INEPT) - Don't worry, kids. I'll be back.

Hater in Chief with Brady/Weapon in hand

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