Friday, October 12, 2007

Brady Takes Over Kicking Duties

Boston (INEPT) - In one of his most daring coaching moves this season, Coach Bill Belichoke has decided to add place-kicking and punting duties to Tom Brady's already busy job as quarterback of the New England Hatriots.

When asked why, Belichoke simply said, "Have you seen him in those Stetson adds? Man, he looks hot. And he looks like he can kick, at least from the picture. Wow!"


Brady as Punter


Brady seemed puzzled by the move. "Well, I am getting a little bored. Maybe Coach is trying to keep us all on edge. Or maybe he's just lost it. He sure has been a little nutty since that whole video tape thing."

The crack staff at INEPT has also uncovered a number of other unusual personnel moves that Belichoke is apparently contemplating:

  • Promoting Randy Moss to Head Cheerleader. This is based on his demonstrated excellence in the much maligned but critically important "moon dance".



  • Moss: Has all the right moves

  • Adding Teddy Bruschi to the Medical Staff. Bruschi reportedly has been asking for this job, repeatedly, sometimes more than once in the same sentence.

  • Hiring Kevin Costner to be in charge of video operations. Negotiations with Steven Spielberg have apparently stalled.


Belichoke is also considering some other tactics to keep his team focused, including smaller pre-game meals, playing without pads, and not cheating.

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37 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Patriots at Colts on Nov. 4 is shaping up to be one of the most attractive and exciting NFL regular-season games ever staged. The pairing is fabulous; the teams are the league's best; and there is a chance both will take the field undefeated. Plus, Patriots at Colts has a powerful, compelling narrative. Namely -- Good vs. Evil.

The fact that I don't even need to tell you which team represents Good and which stands for Evil says a lot about how low New England has sunk. You knew instantly which was which, didn't you?



Argument for the Indianapolis Colts as paladins who carry the banner of that which is beneficent: Sportsmanship, honesty, modesty, devotion to community, embrace of traditional small-town life, belief in higher power, even love of laughter. The Colts are the defending champions, so they obviously play well on the field. Yet after winning the Super Bowl, they have remained humble and appealing. Through prior years of postseason frustration, they never complained or pointed the finger outside their team. Their players are active in community affairs and don't carp about being assigned to a nonglamorous Farm Belt city with an antiquated stadium. Their coach, Tony Dungy, smiles in public and answers honestly whatever he is asked: He never yells at players or grimaces at bad plays and, when defeated, doesn't act as though it's the end of the world. Although religious, Dungy said on the night he won the Super Bowl that God doesn't care about football games, which shows perspective. The team's star, Peyton Manning, stands for love of family, constantly appearing in public with his brothers, father and mother. Manning is happily married and a major donor to a children's hospital. Manning spends a lot of time at children's camps and events, and he constantly makes fun of himself. Ladies and gentlemen, representing Good, the Indianapolis Colts.

Argument for the New England Patriots as scoundrels in the service of that which is baleful: Dishonesty, cheating, arrogance, hubris, endless complaining even in success. The Patriots have three Super Bowl rings, but that jewelry is tarnished by their cheating scandal. They run up the score to humiliate opponents -- more on that below -- thus mocking sportsmanship. Their coach snaps and snarls in public, seeming to feel contempt for the American public that has brought him wealth and celebrity. Victory seems to give Bill Belichick no joy, and defeat throws him into fury. Belichick and the rest of the top of the Patriots' organization continue to refuse to answer questions about what was in the cheating tapes -- and generally, you refuse to answer questions if you have something to hide. The team has three Super Bowl triumphs, yet its players regularly whine about not being revered enough. The team's star, Tom Brady, is a smirking sybarite who dates actresses and supermodels but whose public charity appearances are infrequent. That constant smirk on Brady's face reminds one of Dick Cheney; people who smirk are fairly broadcasting the message, "I'm hiding something." The Patriots seem especially creepy at this point because we still don't know whether they have told the full truth about the cheating scandal -- or even whether they really have stopped cheating. They say they have, but their word is not exactly gold at this juncture. Ladies and gentlemen, representing Evil, the New England Patriots.

In the Good vs. Evil narrative of the Colts and Pats, running up the score is a telling factor: It reveals a team's sportsmanship or lack of same, and whether a team shows sportsmanship in public might offer insights into its character in private. New England is scoring so many points the Patriots offense looks like cherries and oranges spinning on a slot machine. The Flying Elvii stand plus-159 in net points, by far the best scoring margin in the NFL. This is supposed to be impressive. But I think it's creepy, and New England's creepy on-field behavior is only underscoring the seediness of the Beli-Cheat scandal.

On Sunday, the Patriots led the winless Dolphins 42-7 late in the third quarter, yet Tom Brady was still behind center. And he wasn't just handing off the ball to grind the clock, either. Rather, he was back in the shotgun, still throwing to run up the score. Here is a summary of the Patriots' possession with a 42-7 lead late in the third and Brady, Randy Moss and the rest of their offensive starters on the field: Pass, run, pass, run, pass, pass. When backup quarterback Matt Cassel entered the game in the fourth quarter, with the Patriots leading 42-14 -- a margin larger than the greatest fourth-quarter comeback in NFL history (see below) -- did he hand off the ball to grind the clock? Here were Patriots' coaches first three calls: Run, pass, pass. Cassel's second pass was intercepted and returned for a touchdown, and Brady re-entered the game. Did he grind down the clock? Pass, pass, run, run, pass. The final score was 49-28.

The week before, New England led Dallas 42-27 and had second-and-goal on the Cowboys' 6-yard line with 1:43 remaining and Dallas out of timeouts. Three kneel-downs would have ended the game. But Belichick kept calling plays, frantic to run up the score -- including calling a play with 23 seconds remaining from the Dallas 1-yard line, resulting in a touchdown that made the final New England 48, Dallas 27. The Patriots then kicked off, and Dallas got the ball with 13 seconds remaining. Cowboys coach Wade Phillips showed the dignity Belichick lacked and ordered a kneel-down. Beyond defeating division-leading Dallas, New England has beaten six teams with a combined record of 11-27. In New England's six games against nonwinning teams, Belichick kept the starters in long after the outcome was decided, trying to run up the score. This doesn't just demonstrate Belichick has no class (although it certainly demonstrates that). It's worse -- this suggests something vindictive.



Yes, you can find games the Colts have won by a big margin in recent years, and yes, Manning was on the field through the fourth quarter at Jacksonville last night. But in that quarter, the Colts mainly ran to grind the clock: If they had wanted to win by more, they likely could have. As for New England's running up the score, supposedly the Patriots are angry about the Beli-Cheat scandal and are scoring points like crazy to express their anger against the world. Wait a moment: What right do the Patriots have to be angry? They, after all, are the ones who admitted to systematic cheating. Other people didn't impose that situation on them -- they cheated of their own free accord, imposing the tainting of their accomplishments on themselves. The Patriots were not wronged; they wronged others. Yet they're mad about being caught, and they seem to want to take out their bad feelings about themselves by embarrassing second-echelon teams. That bespeaks lack of character. That's Dark Side. That's Evil.

Suppose New England's version of events is true -- that Belichick is a fine person who made an honest mistake about rules that seemed clearly written to everyone else but somehow were confusing to him and that he regrets his honest mistake. If this were so, wouldn't Belichick be attempting to convince the world he is a good guy by showing sportsmanship at every turn? Instead, he is raising his middle finger to the rest of the NFL, to the sporting media, even to the NFL fans who made his wealth and celebrity possible. If he were a misunderstood man who regrets an honest mistake, wouldn't he be candid and open in public because making his life an open book would convince us he's sorry for what he did? Instead, in public, Belichick continues to glare, stonewall and act offended that mere mortals dare to address him. There is not the slightest hint that Belichick is sorry for what he did -- only sorry he got caught. Innocent people falsely accused crave the recovery of their reputation, working hard to convince the world they are good. Creepy people who think they can get away with something act belligerent and show poor sportsmanship, which is what Belichick is doing right now.



Since Belichick took over the Patriots and began the franchise's remarkable run, he and his team have been praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised, praised; criticized when it was discovered New England had engaged in what commissioner Roger Goodell himself called "a calculated and deliberate attempt to avoid long-standing rules designed to encourage fair play and promote honest competition"; then -- after about a week of criticism -- praised, praised, praised. This is not a sequence of experiences that would leave an honorable person angry at the world. Yet Belichick acts that way, and he appears to be encouraging anger in his players, which is itself unsportsmanlike.



Perhaps you can say in Belichick's defense that the modern American ethos encourages us all to feel sorry for ourselves -- so much so that even someone to whom football has brought wealth, celebrity and Super Bowl rings can tell himself he's a victim. Perhaps you can say in Belichick's defense that claiming victim status is a solid psychological ploy for the New England players -- who are not to blame for their coach's cheating, which they most likely did not know was happening. The New England players still might suffer some long-term harm from the cheating, though: Given the image New England is projecting, would you want Patriots' players endorsing your product?



But if the Patriots are unfairly maligned, why the whole screw-you act they are staging? If the Patriots were unfairly maligned, they'd be trying hard to convince us their hearts are pure, and that distinctly is not what they are doing. Sure, many New England players are awesome performers: Both of Moss' touchdown catches Sunday came when he was double-teamed; the Flying Elvii offensive line was flawless again; Mike Vrabel, waived by Pittsburgh, might be the best linebacker in the NFL. But if the Patriots are so awesome they don't need to cheat, then why were they cheating in Week 1? The whole situation remains creepy. Should New England continue on and win the Super Bowl without a major attitude shift toward nice-guy behavior -- and should the year end without the NFL's ever explaining what New England evidence it destroyed or why -- there could be a huge amount of cynicism about this NFL season. Cynicism doesn't sell a sports product, nor is it what the NFL should be marketing to the young.

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Wow, all that could be summed up in, like, one sentence. said...

All I got out of that article was that you're upset because the richest team, with the most wins, with the hometown of one of America's great cities, and with a really hot quarterback, is getting a bunch of publicity because they are mad nasty at football.

I'll try to pick apart your article, which was very well written, I must say.

First, I agree with whatever you said about the Colts. They are truly a great team, and Peyton Manning is one of my most respected quarterbacks, as a Pats fan.

Now, on to the stupid stuff you wrote.

"Victory seems to give Bill Belichick no joy, and defeat throws him into fury. Belichick and the rest of the top of the Patriots' organization continue to refuse to answer questions about what was in the cheating tapes -- and generally, you refuse to answer questions if you have something to hide."

The greatest men in history, as well as the greatest teams, never settled for victory when they could have complete domination. They don't stop and take it easy once things go well.

And the reason you don't answer questions could also be because you don't want people like Haters making judgments and pathetic snipes about whatever you say, however you say it. Cause regardless of what Belichick says, even if he acts respectful, people find something to make a big deal about.

"The team has three Super Bowl triumphs, yet its players regularly whine about not being revered enough."

...since when? No logic or evidence there....

"The team's star, Tom Brady, is a smirking sybarite who dates actresses and supermodels but whose public charity appearances are infrequent."

He doesn't appear cause he doesn't want more publicity than he already gets. Apparently, he's humble too. And he can date whomever the hell he wants- it's not up to you all to judge him on that just cause he got the hottest and richest supermodel in the world to go out with him.


"That constant smirk on Brady's face reminds one of Dick Cheney; people who smirk are fairly broadcasting the message, "I'm hiding something."

...Wtf is it with you and the hiding of things? It's all open to interpretation yeah, but yours is so off. What do they have to hide, exactly? And Dick Cheney is what his name indicates. No way you can compare anything about his political face to a sports player.



"The Patriots seem especially creepy at this point because we still don't know whether they have told the full truth about the cheating scandal -- or even whether they really have stopped cheating. They say they have, but their word is not exactly gold at this juncture."

Btw, for all to know, the "cheating" tape, it got erased during the first quarter. So guess what? They never used it. :]


"The Flying Elvii stand plus-159 in net points, by far the best scoring margin in the NFL. This is supposed to be impressive. But I think it's creepy..."

Don't watch football if you can't handle teams better than yours owning on the field.

"In New England's six games against nonwinning teams, Belichick kept the starters in long after the outcome was decided, trying to run up the score. This doesn't just demonstrate Belichick has no class (although it certainly demonstrates that). It's worse -- this suggests something vindictive."

I agree with this one, actually. The Dolphins game was painful to watch, and I think Belichick brought it way too far. But there is something to be said in his defense- imagine you just got punished harshly by the company you work for, and it was an unfair punishment that only got unleashed upon you because of your high status. Imagine you didn't actually do anything wrong and it was all based on a vague rule. Imagine that everyone else you know did the "crime" and you were the one who got caught. Imagine the fury and upset that would have been caused in you. Now you know how Belichick feels.


"Yet they're mad about being caught, and they seem to want to take out their bad feelings about themselves by embarrassing second-echelon teams."

I do believe the Dallas Cowboys aren't a second-echelon team, and we beat them 48-27. Everyone at the beginning of the season was pitting us against them, snorting in pride, saying we wouldn't beat them- now we did, and suddenly they are a poor little pathetic team like the Dolphins? I think there's something completely bogus here....

"Innocent people falsely accused crave the recovery of their reputation, working hard to convince the world they are good. "

No, not really. Because, see, Belichick doesn't like to take false shit from people. And if he did show sportsmanship, he knew that people like yourselves (addressing all haters) would still find something wrong with him. And besides, he doesn't give a damn what people he doesn't know personally think of him. I respect that, majorly.


"...praised; criticized when it was discovered New England had engaged in what commissioner Roger Goodell himself called "a calculated and deliberate attempt to avoid long-standing rules designed to encourage fair play and promote honest competition"; then -- after about a week of criticism -- praised, praised, praised. This is not a sequence of experiences that would leave an honorable person angry at the world. Yet Belichick acts that way, and he appears to be encouraging anger in his players, which is itself unsportsmanlike."

That's not entirely true. You're forgetting about the fact that he still has to deal with people like yourselves calling him a cheater. I think the NFL deserves some of the hard-core anger shit they got from us. It shows them that we're not a team to be screwed with. And that we don't like everyone jumping on the bandwagon, pointing fingers, and blaming winners for a mistake. LT tried that, and we all know what happened to him.


"Given the image New England is projecting, would you want Patriots' players endorsing your product?"

Hell yes, NE is a sick-nasty region of the U.S., and their team is wicked awesome. And you just mentioned that they didn't know the cheating was happening, so the players aren't to blame, right?

"If the Patriots were unfairly maligned, they'd be trying hard to convince us their hearts are pure, and that distinctly is not what they are doing."

Nah, they want to rub it in your faces that you were wrong. It's pretty sweet. They don't give if you think they're unpure, that's not what the scoreboard says anyhow.

"Cynicism doesn't sell a sports product..."

Cynicism has nothing to do with it.


The Pats are dominating. Madly. You all need to grasp reality- they're not going to back down that easily without one hell of a fight.

I'm not making any predictions, but yeah, the game on the fourth is going to be a war.

Go Patriots!

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. You are a loser!

3:30 PM  
Blogger Stephen said...

that....probably wasn't his article
unless he's that guy who wrote it, Greg Eastbrook, or something

3:44 PM  
Anonymous Poster who wrote response to the first post said...

No, I know it wasn't his article, haha, I just called that huge response he wrote an article.


Yeah....but mine was big too, so woo woo, go us. :)

3:59 PM  
Blogger Sylvanus said...

I can't stand the way the Patriots' have cheated and the league has turned a blind eye!

http://www.zazzle.com/solamente*/product/235521044965599746?dt=&idx=1&maturity=2&numRecsPerpage=15&page=1&request=productSearch&showInterstitial=0&sortBy=date_created&sortOrder=desc&sortPeriod=0&term=&zcdProductType=0&zidCategoryId=0&zidContributorId=238543723979417999

8:04 PM  
Anonymous connor said...

you people are talking about running up the score like this is a little league game. this is the NFL if you don't want teams running of the score then stop them. i'm don't even like the pats, but people who complain about stuff like that piss me off.

12:42 PM  
Anonymous New England Asterisks said...

Well said, first poster up there. As I was reading it, I was already guessing how many Pat fans would be like "Uuuuuh, well...you're stupid" and "you're jealous" and all their other worn into the dirt comebacks. And, there they are, never to disappoint. Not as many as I thought, though.

And, the Cowboys ARE a second rate team, just by proxy of being in the NFC. They just look damned good in comparison to the rest of the NFC.

Again, nice post up there. True, beautiful, and well written hate.

I'm not particularly a Colts fan, but Peyton Manning is a class act. Not arrogant, self-effacing, and a seemingly nice guy. A bit whiny during the playoffs, yes, but no whinier than certain quarterbacks and coaches who wouldn't acknowledge the other team after they got sent packing during last year's playoffs. May the best team win on the 4th, instead of the cheating-est.

4:23 PM  
Anonymous LOL said...

But it's true, you all are wicked jealous. :)

5:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny thing is that brady has actually done a pooch punt in the game before and pinned the other team on the 2 or something...

1:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It doesn't take jealousy to hate the Patriots. I am living in New England amongst all the Patriot hypocrits. Thankfully, they've been busy jumping on the Red Sox bandwagon for a few weeks. Although, now that so-called "Gaytriot Nation" will uncover itself!

5:45 AM  
Anonymous Pssht, you wish, Haters. said...

I do believe the Sox won the world series. So suck that.

And there isn't really a bandwagon for them. The Sox fans are people you don't want to mess with. Their pride is strong and they're pretty nasty.

I should know, considering I am one.

The Patriots do have a lot of band-wagoners, but I've been a fan since 1998, so I can vouch for the large percentage of fans that weren't just joining the fandom for the wins.

And they rock. Just admit it. Jealousy and persistence in the wrong assumption that we cheated is not a way to handle your insecurities. See a psychologist. :]

12:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm... I should see a psychologist... why, because I don't agree with what YOU think? Even you admitted that there are Patriot bandwagoners, albeit you are not one of them. I'm sure there is a percentage of fans that lived through the horrible Patriots of the 70s and 80s, but they aren't the ones that are the loud, obnoxious, idiots that make excuses for their team, no matter what they do. Another thing most Patriots fans can't do is appreciate the game of football, even if another team is better or has some good quality to them. It seems it's the Patriots or nobody. Being a real football fan, this "chaps my ass" (as Brian Billick would say).

5:06 AM  
Anonymous Uh, no. said...

Stop generalizing. I'm a Pats fan and I appreciate the sport of football to a huge magnitude.


I'm not afraid to say that the Colts are a massively amazing team. Peyton Mannning has my extreme respect and worship.

So shut up with all this biased hatred. Don't blame the team for the small percentage of stupid fans' behaviour.

2:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If anybody has Red Zone on Directv Sunday Ticket, listen to Andrew Siciliano sometimes when he makes snide remarks about the Patriots. I love that guy! He is always saying something just a tad off color.

I live and work in Massachusetts and will be wearing my Colts sweatshirt and cap just to "chap the asses" of the masses.

1:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy CRAP first post was long

4:17 PM  
Anonymous Chap the asses?! said...

Didn't chap any asses, did you, jerk?! :)

2:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sure I chapped the asses! Patriots fans are idiots. It doesn't take much to rile them up. I guess that is apparent by this website!

4:42 PM  
Anonymous Chap the asses?! said...

And apparently if you watch this video-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pw8lMAvo-AU

Your so-called calm Colts fans don't need much to chap their asses as well. Seems like they got massively OWNED.

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't claim that Colts fans were calm. I just claimed Patriots fans are idiots.

5:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They still got owned. You can't deny that. :)

1:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Colts are facing an awful year with injuries. If the Gaytriots had these injuries to Moss and some guys on the OLine, Brady would be ending up on his back as well. I think he likes it there anyway! (wink wink)

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hells yeah, with a hot supermodel on top.

We didn't have Eugene Wilson (an O-line man) and Rodney Harrison was playing with a leg injury. Not to mention, King Manning isn't doing so well- 6 picks in one game? How is that supposed to be blamed on the injuries of Harrison and Ugoh?

7:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

....and Gonzalez and Dallas Clark... etc etc.

Yeah, I can see Brady with some hot guy from GQ on top. Either that or a goat!

2:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nah, actually, he was holding the goat for you.

3:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that's really funny!

6:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks!

The truth is funny sometimes, isn't it? :)

6:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wouldn't mind having a goat, but not one that Brady "had" first!

5:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to know you wake up at 5 A.M. to come up with really witty remarks like that, bro.

I think Brady is having too much fun copulating with his hot supermodel girlfriend to keep holding (or "having") that goat for you. Sorry.

11:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking as a third party Falcons Fan, you guys are wangs.

First, find a better, less annoying URL

Then, realize that even when New England cheated, they still won by a pretty good number.

And they continue to win, even while being monitored.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A FALCONS Fan... man, THAT must be tough this year!

Anyway, nobody is claiming the Patriots aren't good. This site is for people who just hate them and are sick of their arrogance.

2:48 AM  
Anonymous Joe said...

.....well, okay fair enough.

But you gotta admit....the "Brady is gay" thing is so unrealistic it's not even funny.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't think it's funny either, but I do think it's true. Do you live in New England, because I do. Have you heard him on the radio shows with his "stylist" and talking about what highlights he is using and crap like that. There aren't many straight guys that give a damn about having a stylist and highlighting their hair. Plus, I might add, his hair looks like hell. He's gay, he just hasn't figured it out yet.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah I do live in NE....and hey, a lot of celebrities talk with their stylists- he is technically a celebrity, you have to admit. So actually, a ton of straight guys do give a damn when they have to look good when presenting themselves to the world on a magazine cover. Also, his hair doesn't have to look hot when he pulls his helmet off after a good three hours of workouts or drills. Seems to me he only cares when he has to go out somewhere.

And I think he would finally figure out if he was gay if he realized he wanted to stop having sex with his ultra smokin' hot girlfriend.


....after a year, I don't think that's happening anytime soon, personally.

5:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gisele is a bag of bones. Plus, he's probably interested in her brother!

8:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think we all now know who's really the gay one.

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry you had to come out of the closet this way, buddy.

HAHA

3:18 PM  

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