Sunday, December 24, 2006

Potential Paramours for Brady

New England (INEPT) - After recently breaking up with actress Bridget Moynahan (see picture below), Tom Brady is said to be on the prowl for a new love interest.

Brady Dumps Bridget

We here at INEPT thought we might chime in with some suggestions:

  • Jason Taylor: Tom got to know Jason quite well a few weeks back when the Endangered Fish blanked the Hatriots, and to Tom, at least, Jason seemed very interested in putting him flat on his back time after time. "He sure kept after me," Tom said shortly after the game.

  • Amanda Belichick: Who better to date than the coach's own daughter? Some potential problems here: Amanda's age (21), and the fact that her favorite team is the New York Giants.

  • Mrs. Carol Brady: With the same last name, she would be ready to get right down to business as the wife of the Hatriot QB. "I know how to raise a family," said Carol as she told Alice to go make dinner.

Brady apparently decided to break up with Bridget after seeing Coyote Ugly. "Boy, was that a bad movie", said Tom wistfully. "At least she wasn't the lead part. Wow."

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Monday, December 11, 2006

Hatriots Score Zero Million Points

Miami (INEPT) - In a game to be cherished, adored, and in general, watched again and again, the Miami Endangered Fish thumped the hapless Hatriots, 21 to 0.

However, even more interesting was the post-game interview, when a defensive Coach Bill Belichoke tried to spin the results, repeatedly iterating that his team "scored zero million points."

O'Reilly To Belichoke: How To Spin Bad News

"I'm not sure what you all are complaining about," yelled Belichoke. "After all, how often does a team score zero million points?!"

Quarterback Tom 'Fraidy agreed: "This is just another example of the media blowing things out of proportion. After all, our game plan called for us to score just about zero million points, and that is exactly what we did. In fact, if you look at the league average in team scoring, it is just about zero million points."

In related news, the Hatriots petitioned the league for a rule change to allow mind-numbingly boring teams to throw multiple forward passes on each play. "How else is a team as offensively-challenged as we are supposed to score?" uttered the relieved-looking defensive coordinator Dean Pees.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Express Your Hate In A T-Shirt

New from INEPT: The Hatred Tee. Yes, you can now buy a simple, ugly, but quite comfortable T-shirt to express your feelings about those darned Hatriots at the I Hate The New England Patriots Store. Our first design:

Our First Lame T-shirt

As you can see, we spent quite a bit of time crafting our subtle message. Coming soon: Designs with actual style. Meanwhile, buy one or three for your friends, family, or even better, that Hatriot fan you know and love.

- The INEPT Staff

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Hatriots: Champions of the North

New England (INEPT) - Now that they have beaten the paper Lions of Detroit, we can officially crown their asses. Yes, my friends, the Hatriots are the champions of the mighty NFC North.

Belichoke: King of AFC Least and NFC North

INEPT spoke to NFL representatives this past weekend to uncover the reason for the bizarre scheduling of the entire NFC North against the Hatriots. "Isn't it enough that they play in the AFC Least, one of the worst divisions in the league?" League official Jeffrey Pash replied: "The league wanted to see if the NFC North was as bad as the AFC Least. And these games have proved it: both divisions just plain stink."

An anonymous tipster from inside the NFL offices hinted at the real reason the Hatriots schedule is chock full of bad teams. "If you're going to have one boring, bad team in a game, you might as well have two. Maybe the games will be close that way, even if they're not exciting."

In further investigations (not yet confirmed), INEPT also discovered that next year's Hatriot schedule may include select teams from the SEC.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Spreading the Hate: We Also Hate the Baltimore Ravens

Cincinnati (INEPT) - The poor reader often asks: Why focus so much of your heartfelt vitriol on the poor New England Hatriots? Why do you hate this one team so much? (see [1] , [2], and [3] for some variants of this question, most with vulgarities included)

Well, dear Reader, it turns out we do hate some other teams as well. One particularly noteworthy object of our execration: The Baltimore Cravens:

Baltimore Cravens Hardhats: Yes, They Actually Sell These

Thus, we find ourselves in a semi-euphoric state after last night's shellacking at the hands of the Cincinnati Bengals. A flea-flicker that actually worked? And T.J. Whosmyname talking smack ("We are better than Baltimore") and then backing it up? Ouch, that must hurt, Ray "Attempted Murder" Lewis.

So, dear Reader, let us know: Do you too hate the lowly birds of Baltimore? Or is your hatred focused solely on that team from New England?