Monday, January 15, 2007

Nightmare in San Diego (Part 2)

San Diego (INEPT) - I am trapped in a dream. It is dark. I am alone. I walk towards the light in the distance. It is the TV. I sit. It is football. I smile. It is the Hatriots vs. Chargers. I worry. The game begins.

I relax. Chargers up 14-3. Hatriots can't run, San Diego can. Blitzes making Brady look bad, mortal. It is sunny out. Could this be the day? Prevent defense; I sit up, concerned. Soon 14-10. 3rd quarter rolls in, the Chargers roll on. 21-10. A hint of happiness on our face. Hope remains. Happiness, possible?

But it happens. It always happens. The moment. The Hatriot moment. Other team, better team, but so generous. So generous. Why so generous? The Raiders, Steelers, Rams, Steelers (again), and now, the Chargers.


Hatriot Moment Hall of Fame


So many Hatriot moments Sunday, so little time. We highlight. Drayton Florence, for a headbutt from Heaven. Marlon McRee, for not securing the ball on an unnecessary interception (just knock it down!). Marty Shot-in-header, for forgetting the best player in football is on your team. Your ball, 4 minutes left, tie game. LT averaging over 5 yards per carry. First down, LT gets 6. Second down, throw (incomplete). Third down, throw (incomplete). Punt. Lose. Why not run, Marty? WHY NOT RUN? Repeat: Best Player in Football. WHY NOT RUN?

This is why we hate. This is why. The Hatriots only goal: boring, lifeless football. As fans point out, often winning football. Facts cannot be denied. But boring. Boring! Not fun to watch. Better teams, better players, out. We're left with: Boring.

As a fan of the game, we object. We object. It must be stopped. It will be stopped. Can it be stopped?

I wake. It is cold. I hope. Just a dream? I walk to the TV. A dream, a bad dream? Please? Sportscenter. Highlights. Brady. Smiling. Belichoke. Hugging. Vrabel. Dancing. I shiver. I retch. I ...

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11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

For such a boring team, it sure seems like they provided a pretty intense game to watch.

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Pats played a biroing game, the Chargers offense made it intense. i pity the fool.

4:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The patriots played a boring game? I thought it was pretty exciting. While i don't like the outcome of the game, it was entertaining. Stop making patriots haters look stupid.

7:10 AM  
Anonymous Josh Howard said...

I echo the sentiments of all Patriot Haters around the world that have posted on this blog since the debacle in San Diego. There truly are no words that can describe or eliminate the macabre that happened this past Sunday.

However, I do owe the INEPT staff an apology. The staff had warned all of us why we should worry about the Chargers game, but I countered with reasons why the Patriot-Hating Nation shouldn’t fret. I listed valid reasons that looked to support a Charger victory. However, I forgot (as I always do) to factor in the Patriot-Providence.

This luck, fluke, godsend or whatever else you want to call it has existed since Bob Kraft official purchased the franchise in 1994. Not so ironically New England finished their first season under Kraft’s ownership by winning their final seven games and making it to the postseason, only to lose in the Wild Card round to the Bill Belichick lead Cleveland Browns. Since then, New England has had a plethora of bizarre fortune and dumb luck. One example happened in back-to-back weeks during the 1998 season. Facing the Miami Dolphins in a week twelve Monday Nighter, the Patriots were gift wrapped several key calls by the officials and converted improbably fourth downs to beat Miami on a game winning 25 yard touchdown pass with 29 seconds to go. The very next week New England once again benefited greatly from the officiating and beat the Buffalo Bills 25-21 in a game that will be forever tattooed in my memory (http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/football/nfl/scoreboards/1998/11/29/recap.new_england.buffalo.html). Even though the article doesn’t do it justice, the fact remains that Shawn Jefferson was so far out of bounds on fourth and nine is isn’t even funny. Not a single part of his body touched the playing field after catching the Bledsoe pass. Then in classic Patriot fashion they chose to go for two after the Bills had left the playing field. What a classy organization…These are just a few examples of what has become the biggest mystery in sports history. Why are the Patriots so lucky?? I just don’t understand.

My brother put it best when he said that Tom Brady and Bob Kraft must have sold their souls to the devil in exchange for countless football fortune. It is really the only legitimate explanation that can be made. Who else, but Brady, can be on the winning end of two playoffs games after having a game-winning fumble (Oakland-tuck rule) and a game-winning interception (Sunday).

Once again, I am glad to hear the outpouring of Patriot hate and I think the best explanation of frustrations was made by the guy that said he wanted to saw his car in half after Marlon McCree’s ‘interception fumble’. No kidding- I actually sprained my left arm on that play from celebrating and then falling to my living room floor in agony.

Thanks again for this great site and I will continue to fight the good fight. I still hold out a glimmer of hope that Indy can pull off the improbable. However, I will not attempt to predict or forecast the outcome, because even though the Colts are a better team, they stand no chance because of something ridiculous is bound to happen.

I can see it now…Colts leading 30-19 with just over two minutes left in the game. The
Pats have the ball on their own 18 yard line facing a 3rd and 22 with no timeouts
remaining. Brady back to pass, going deep to Caldwell, PICKED OFF by a diving
Marlin Jackson! Jackson thinks he is still at Michigan and spins the ball at mid field
before being touched. A savvy Troy Brown comes by and scopes it up and rambles 50
yards for a touchdown. New England converts the two-point conversion on a direct snap
to a motioning eligible Matt Light. Oh no, it is happening again! 30-27. The Pats kick an
on-side kick, recovered by Dallas Clark. Whew, that was close. Wait, Tony Dungy
decides to implore a new strategy and has Peyton Manning take a snap and throw the ball
through the back of the end zone for an intentional safety. What was he thinking?
Dungy just nods his head in approval. There is now 1:34 left and Indy has to free kick it
to New England. Hunter Smith booms the free kick to end zone and Kevin Faulk brings
it out only to be hit by Cato June at the 10 yard line. After two straight incompletions,
the Pats are facing third and ten. Brady back to pass, Robert Mathis busts around the end
and destroys him at the one yard line. Do you believe in miracles? Time is ticking.
Under fifty seconds to plays. Fourth and nineteen! A delirious Brady scrambles his team
to the line and get under center. He fumbles the snap! The ball is loose…Jason David
spots the ball and snares it up at the four. David looks to lateral to Nick Harper (WHY?),
only to have it caught in mid air by a streaking Heath Evans who breaks six
tackles and advances the ball to the Colts 49 yard line. The time continues to tick, tick,
tick. Brady aligns his team and attempts to kill the clock, but time runs out! Yes!
Wait…the official comes in and says that there was an equipment timeout with one
second left, because Logan Mankins’ shoe was untied. NOOOO! Rookie Stephen
Gostkowski trots onto the field to attempt and NFL record 66 yard field goal. The snap is
good, the hold is good, the kick is on its way…it hits the left upright and ricochets off
hitting the right upright before coming to rest on the crossbar. The ball pauses for a
moment, turns towards Peyton Manning and falls over the crossbar. Pats win 32-30.


As crazy as this sounds, it is not that far fetched.

9:49 AM  
Anonymous NEW ENGLANDER said...

GO PATS!!!!

You hate because
you're jealous
HAHAHAHAHAHAhaha

PATS superbowl bound!~~~~~

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Darolls said...

We HATE because they play as jerks !!!!
And as we say in France: Bande d'enculés !!!!

12:03 PM  
Blogger Gianna said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4:28 PM  
Blogger rich said...

How much would you pay to watch the Patriots lose?

That's the question I'm pondering as I consider placing a bet FOR the Patriots to win on Sunday. Yes I'm a Patriots hater and I'm betting *for* the Patriots. This idea may have been brought up a hundred times in the past, but it's the first time the lightbulb went off in my own head, so I'm all excited about it.

Put down money on the Patriots- if they lose the game, you have just paid a small fee to watch Belichick, Brady, Vrabel, et al, LOSE the afc championship game, which is certainly worth at least 20 bucks to me.

In the more likely case that they win due to some ridiculous meltdown by the Colts, hey YOU WIN THE CASH. Seems to me it would ease the pain quite a bit.

Like I said before, I know this idea probably isn't too original, but it really seems like a win-win.

1:47 PM  
Blogger Hater in Chief said...

Dear Josh,

An amazing post. You are certainly in the running for "post of the year", soon to be announced in the year-end awards. Look for it!

- The INEPT Staff

2:44 PM  
Blogger Hater in Chief said...

Dear Rich,

No Hater should ever, EVER, bet money on the Hatriots. EVER.

Imagine what would happen: the Hatriots down by 2, Tom 'Fraidy driving them down the field, and visions of your $100 dancing in your head. Soon, you find yourself cheering on every dink and dunk, screaming for interceptions to turn into fumbles, yelling for another Tuck-rule miracle.

Your bet, innocuous as it seemed, makes you become what we all dread: a Hatriot fan.

- The INEPT Staff

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Ne rocks said...

Dear INEPT staff,

I am actually impressed. Seriously. They won a coach of the year award, they won the AFC championship, they never lost, AND they are going to win the super bowl. And you still can't make any comment.


Well;



1. The patriots can run. Duh, they have marony, if you didn't catch that

2. They are boring, if a good enough team can't challenge them. I mean, common sense. Lets see.....................not that many teams can win the patriots, obviously not the famous colts.

3. You should retch. You probably love to hate a team, than to love one. That is sad. You can't have a favorite team. You just pick on every team, and move to the next one when they win.


4. if you really watch football, then you would know the meaning of a true fan. Do you even like a team? If you don't, stop bagging on this site, and get the fuck out of here.


This goes for all of you. If you can gat a really good team that is successful, then you can say what you want. If you can't...........


GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

1-25-08

6:27 PM  

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