Saturday, February 12, 2005

IHTNEP Year End Awards

Well, my friends, that time of year has come, when all fans of IHTNEP must find other pursuits, new ways to spend their time, something to fill the void; yes, dear readers, it is time for the IHTNEP Off-Season Hiatus. Dry your tears, dear reader - we'll be back next season with our hatred fully intact.

But we do have a little business to take care of first. The film industry has the Oscars, television the Emmys; but these silly productions pale in comparison with what you're about to see; that's right, dear readers, it is now time for the IHTNEP Year-end Staff Awards! With so much effort put into maintaining this glorious site, how can we not spend a little time and thank those behind the scenes who make the magic happen?

We include some highlights below. For each award, we also present snippets from the transcript of the commentary that took place during the IHTNEP Year-end Staff Awards dinner.

The Most Likely To Be Killed By Corey Dillon award

Commentary: No surprise here - TwoFacedCorey brings Corey hatred to new levels, and someday it might cost him. Check this page our for an example of the animosity that could come back to haunt dear TwoFaced someday.

The Most Likely To Pull His Hammy award

Commentary: A repeat winner; PapaGordy owns this category. (IHTNEP note: we apologize for the graphic imagery)

The Missing-In-Action Award

Commentary: Who the hell is Robin Masters?

The Best Zinger Award

Commentary: So much to choose from here, but the winner was clear. Watch out, lame posters to this site, or you'll feel the Zing! (or should we say the Burn?)

The Best Fan of IHTNEP Award

No winner.

Commentary: Once again, no entries in this category.

So there you have it, folks. Let's have some applause. Bringing this much hatred can take something out of a person, so it's important to let the staff know that they're making a difference. (Of course, you can always show your appreciation through financial means, for example, by buying a Hater's hat.) Either way, it is you, dear reader, that get the final nod: the IHTNEP Endurance Award, given, of course, for those who have read just a single word or have suffered through all of the postings with us. So tell your friends, your neighbors, your mother; you earned it and should definitely feel proud.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Let The Whine-asty Begin

Has there ever been a winning team that so consistently espoused the belief that no one respects them? A team that while winning three SuperBore Titles still pretends to be the underdog? The Hatriots take the old sports cliche of feigning disrespect as a motivational tool to new levels. Witness:
  • Willie McGinest after the Disaster in Giftsburgh: "Nobody respected us coming into this game". Uhh, Willie, weren't you actually favored by three points, even though the game was in Giftsburgh and the Steelers took you to the woodshed just a few weeks back?
  • Rodney Harrison before the SuperBore: "Nobody respects the players on this team." Hmm, Rodney, didn't six Patriots make the Pro Bowl? And don't forget that we should all congratulate Rodney on being awarded the MDP Award for being the NFL's Most Dirty Player. Reporter: "Hey Rodney, you won the MDP award, are you going to Disneyland?" Rodney: Separates reporter's head from neck with vicious spear tackle.
  • Tom Brady on respect: "Aw, shucks."
Hence, IHTNEP believes a new term needs to be coined to describe this unique "champion" squad. A term that aptly characterizes a team that snuck out not one, not two, but three SuperBore titles by an impressive cumulative 9 points. A team that takes whining while winning to new and preposterous heights. You heard it here first: The Hatriots are officially a Whine-asty.

Coming soon: More SuperBore coverage, some final thoughts on this disastrous season, and the highly-anticipated year-end IHTNEP staff awards!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Corey Dillon...Modern Day Messiah?

The story of Jesus Christ is one of true sacrifice. The man lived solely on the gracious donations of others. He had no money or place of his own. Instead he wandered the country-side spreading the "Good News". Only a few believed he truly was the Son of God (i.e. the King of Jews) back in those days. Instead, most mocked him and eventually he was crucified wearing a crown of thorns. Only many years after his death did many convert to Christianity. Jesus has become so popular that he now decides presidential elections and inspires big budget Hollywood movies.

Two-thousand years from now, we all will view Corey Dillon in a similar manner. Well at least Corey believes so. Corey thinks (now there's an oxymoron) that "People are going to view me how they want to, and the way I look at it, people didn't think Jesus was Jesus. So who am I?" You know, maybe he's got a point. Right now we know Corey as the juvenile delinquent who grew up selling cocaine on the streets of Seattle. The kid who caught a break because he had good leverage while running the football and became a multi-millionaire. Furthermore, despite all of his fortunate luck, all we heard from him for the past few years is how he was suffering in the Bengals organization.

I'm sure in a few years things will come to light. We'll learn that Corey sold that dope in Seattle at a steep discount, because he wanted to give something back to his neighborhood. Also we'll discover all those big checks Mike Brown (Bengals CEO) wrote him over the years bounced. That Corey was enduring all that punishment without receiving any compensation.

Well until the enlightenment comes, I, as a die-hard Bengals fan, will cheer my heart out this weekend that Corey doesn't receive what he doesn't touch the Vince Lombardi Trophy. The City of Cincinnati deserves it. For it is us Bengal fans who have endured true suffering. Not only have we received many letdowns on the field over these past 15 years, we also had to put up with our star player being a complete a$$hole off the field. Good riddance Corey. I hope you fumble the winning touchdown on the one-yard line Sunday night.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Battle Of The Quarterbacks: McNabb vs. Brady

The IHTNEP First Annual Superbowl Preview continues!

We begin our positional breakdown with a focus on the guys who head each offense: the lion-hearted leader of the Eagles, Donovan McNabb, and that All-American Caricature, Tom Brady. IHTNEP suspects the game will likely turn on play of these field generals.

To get some insight on this matchup, IHTNEP unearthed some little publicized previous battles between these two. The first took place back in 1998, where a McNabb-led Syracuse Orangemen smashed the Brady-led Wolverines, 38-20, in the Big House no less. A bit painful for this Wolverine fan to dredge up, but perhaps a portent of things to come?

The second is a more recent match-up:

In this classic confrontation, Brady commands the Hershey's squad, whereas McNabb leads the Reese's team. As even the most ardent Hatriot fan can attest, the peanut-butter laden cup of chocolatey heaven clearly outperforms the woeful waxy brick known as a Hershey's chocolate bar.

So what have we learned? In two past performances, McNabb has taken Brady to the woodshed. Perhaps Sunday will make for a trifecta - IHTNEP can only hope.

IHTNEP Super Bowl Preview: Predictions

We begin our First Annual IHTNEP Superbowl Preview with IHTNEP staff predictions for the big game!

As one might observe, our anti-Hatriot picking strategy has not been as successful as one might hope. We remember fondly the glorious season of 1970, where we were each a Swami-like 14-2; playing the "savage game of football" in historic Harvard stadium, the mighty Hatriots stumbled through this memorable season, winning a humbling two games. Those were the days, my friends.

Tune in tomorrow as we breakdown the matchups between the heroic Eagles and our beloved Hatriots.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

The Biggest Baby in Sports

Somebody at NBC Sports has a clue:
"Our Whiner of the Week is a fine example of a group that has reached for its hankies to demonstrate how hurt it is that it hasn’t been granted the proper level of respect. We are talking, of course, about the New England Patriots, specifically the secondary."
The IHTNEP staff concurs with NBC Sports that the entire New England Patriots team are the biggest babies in sports.