Wednesday, September 19, 2007

It's Official: Cheaters Prosper

Boston (INEPT) - In a sudden shift of the laws of the Universe and the theory of Karma, the New England Hatriots drubbing of the surprisingly toothless San Diego Unchargers proved that cheaters do in fact prosper.


Bonds, Maradona, Ben Johnson: "We Sure Are Relieved!"

Reaction from famous cheaters was swift. "Phew! What a relief," said a muscle-laden Barry Bonds*, most prolific home-run hitting steroid user in baseball history. "I thought for sure I was going straight to hell."


The Devil, Sad

Others were less thrilled. "This is going to ruin our numbers for the next millenium," said a forlorn looking Devil. "Cheating is in. And if it turns out it's OK, we'll have to look elsewhere to meet our quotas."

With this inexplicable turn of events, scientists immediately began to investigate whether other time-tested universal truths still held. The results, printed here for the first time, were startling:
  • Lying no longer causes any of the following to happen: dying, or sticking a needle in your eye.
  • Love is no longer blind, but in fact can see quite well.
  • Regardless of apple intake, you will eventually see the doctor.

"Perhaps this has something to do with global warming," uttered an Orson-Wellian Al Gore.


Al Gore: What Happened?


* This is an asterisk. Get used to seeing it, Hatriot fans.

32 Comments:

Anonymous Disgusted Pats Fan said...

Haha. Cute, attempting to cover up your obvious choking. Too bad we beat the Chargers fair and square, cause the NFL didn't even allow our cameras to go near them.


So, it's official- Patriots can kick ass anytime.

It's no coincidence that Mangini was the last guy we played before Belichick was accused of cheating. Mangini's a snitch...he admitted to videotaping signals while working for Belichick, and then decides to rattle on him cause he wouldn't give him a hug on the field after we kicked his ass. By the way, the name Mangini...it's ridiculously girly sounding.

Everyone else was all ready to jump on the bandwagon and blame winners for getting caught at "cheating", when everyone in the NFL does it. The rest of America (football fans, that is) laughed at us, thinking they were so great, jealous of our victories and pissed off that they can't win.


So....who's laughing now, jerkwads? :) Who's laughing NOW?!

6:23 PM  
Anonymous Heh heh heh said...

Hell, it doesn't even matter now if we win the Super Bowl...that victory against LeTrash and the Chargers was a good slap in the face for the assholes who bitched about our earlier Super Bowl wins.


Funny how people can hate others who are better than them...

12:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You spelled 'Super Bowl win' wrong, superfan. It should be spelled like so:

Super Bowl "Win"*****

You're right that it doesn't matter if you win* another Super Bowl! Everyone will write it off, anyway.

You guys can say how awesome the Patsies are all you want--fact is even if they go undefeated this or in any season from now on, the football world at large will write them off as cheaters. So yeah, actually, we're still laughing. If you're laughing, it's only because you're in denial that your precious Patsies have fallen from grace.

And why are you on this site, anyway? This site is for football lovers, not Patriot fans. You guys should all pool your money and send Bill Belicheat some self respect.

1:01 PM  
Blogger Stephen said...

meh, by the end of the season it will be but a memory

the truth is the people that the Patriots for this are the people that hated the patriots before this

people will forgive or forget

they'll wake up and realize that the video tapes provide literally no competitive edge

in the end Belichick will coach another decade, win New England another title or two. Go down in the hearts millions, and retire.
Upon which he will be inducted into the hall of fame

Probably on the first ballet

3:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First "ballet?" Yeah, I'd pay good money to see Belicheat in a tutu. And, your grammar sucks. If you're gonna flame, go back to third grade spelling first. People'll take you a little more seriously. Maybe.

I suppose...if Pete Rose and OJ Simpson can be in Halls o' Fame, why not Belicheat? I can already see his sweat stained hooded sweatshirt behind dimly (hopefully very dimly) lit glass. You've changed my mind, Stephen. Thanks.

8:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's pretty funny that you "guys" claim to be football fans, going as far as saying such things as "This site is for football fans, not Pats fans," yet no one ever seems to actually talk about FOOTBALL. Instead, you spend time creating ridiculous stories, posting pics completely unrelated to sport, and casting insults that have NOTHING to do with what the Pats do on the field (I mean, the Shrek/Coach B. comparion?? Come on!!!) I wonder if the "Chief Hater" or whatever he/she/it calls him-/her-/itself even WATCHES football. My guess is not. I came here hoping to get a little insight from fans of other teams about FOOTBALL. But I refuse to give this site another look. Because the haters on this board areintelligent enough to actually carry on a conversation about FOOTBALL.

12:02 PM  
Anonymous New England Asterisks said...

I especially love it when someone calls you unintelligent and then spells it wrong! You're awesome, anonymous! It's "aren't" intelligent. Not "are." And "areintelligent" would be two words. I'd bet even America's favorite baby daddy Tom Brady knows that. Oh crap, we're talking about rotten spellers instead of FOOTBALL (caps lock). Here's some FOOTBALL for ya: We love all teams here. Especially the ones who are playing against Patriots.

Even the Raiders.

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Disgusted Pats Fan said...

"You guys can say how awesome the Patsies are all you want--fact is even if they go undefeated this or in any season from now on, the football world at large will write them off as cheaters."

uh...okay. Go and check out SI. And then watch some ESPN. You'll probably learn something (as hard as it seems) along the lines of that they found NO footage of us cheating during the Super Bowl- which is spelled correctly, dumb ass.

Therefore, there is no proof besides the "logic" you guys have that shows us as cheaters...and history will remember it as that. We have a legacy and we're not going to let it go away.

"So yeah, actually, we're still laughing. If you're laughing, it's only because you're in denial that your precious Patsies have fallen from grace"


Sounds like you're the ones in denial right now. Tsk tsk...must be hard, being absolute pathetic losers who can't let go of their unjustified hate.


I said it before: this site is so sad. Football lovers don't go here to talk about football, they come here to bitch about a good team cause they're jealous. Funny.

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Hater #25,984,997 said...

Are you still here? The Patriots have a legacy, alright. To have the whiniest, most pompous fans EVER. We can't even make fun of a football team without you bitchy Patriot fans saying "we're the best! We're the best!" Your temporarily good team never even made it to a Super Bowl before the late nineties, and never even won one before the end of the century. Do you go on every site that makes fun of the shiny golden Patriots? If you do, you'd best be on your way. You have A LOT of work to do!

5:22 PM  
Anonymous stillanotherhater said...

Take that back, hater! The Pats did get to a Super Bowl in the 80's...oh wait. That's another big game that the Patriot Nation has erased from memory.

5:24 PM  
Anonymous GO PATS said...

HA! I love being part of a fan nation that's hated all over the internet...shows how much we annoy all you jealous assholes with our victories. :) And who gives a damn if we didn't win a SB before the nineties? It doesn't really matter now, does it?


Wouldn't it be funny if this site was a fake? Written up by Pats fans to get people like you all to come and bitch? I have a feeling that's what this is....

6:45 PM  
Blogger hex said...

1) @GO PATS! you are a moron, you wanna see another fake site, check out patriotsddd or just click the link from this page.

2) The Patriots do indeed suck.

3) At the current time pat-fans are way ahead (17-3)of pat-players in the race to see whom is more abhorrent. (source, patriotsddd poll) Goes to show that YOU trolls are approximately 85% of the reason everyone hates the Patriots, so shut your mouths, and the Luckiest team in the world just might get some respect. (But you probably never will).

4) Who's laughing now?? Everyone is, trust me, everyone. Playoff teams your beloved Patty's have beaten = 1. Playoff teams the lowly Green Bay packers have beaten = 3. So everyone is still laughing because beating the Chargers hasn't proven a damn thing.

5) @ Stephen, if the tapes provided "literally no competitive edge" then why would Bellycheat risk his "dynasty" and break the RULES? Is it because he learned in Cleveland what fair-play amounts to with a talentless team/coach?? hmmm i wonder...

11:10 AM  
Anonymous joe said...

hee hee. Love ya, hex! I think there may be a truth to the fact that Patriot fans are more unsufferable than the team itself. I mean, even Tom Brady wears a Yankees hat all the time. Maybe he can't even stand the fact that NE fans are so pompous, so he wears the NY hat to tick them off.

Or, maybe that's giving Brady Daddy too much credit. Yeah, it is. Never mind. Carry on, buttwad NE fans...

6:50 AM  
Blogger Stephen said...

"5) @ Stephen, if the tapes provided "literally no competitive edge" then why would Bellycheat risk his "dynasty" and break the RULES? Is it because he learned in Cleveland what fair-play amounts to with a talentless team/coach?? hmmm i wonder"

That is a good question, I think the answer has something to do with arrogance and near insanity

I've been reading about Belichick as of late, and pretty much all documentation indicates that this dude lives to coach football. When he coached the browns he was known to sleep in his office. When he was the DC of the giants he could be found breaking down film at 10:00 PM on a saturday. This guy has been coaching football for 33 years. I think he dots every i and crosses ever t. So far the largest advantage that people in the industry have come up with that for the videotaping is that it allows them to figure out which teams take more time making defensive calls and then run a no huddle on them.

here's an interesting article on the man
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/columns/story?columnist=garber_greg&id=3034890

the guys neurotic, obsessive, unfriendly, but 33 years of coaching has made him very....very good

9:53 AM  
Anonymous GO PATS said...

Good one, Stephen. And to "hex", or whatever, yes, we do have fans that are somewhat bitchy. And a little bit over-obsessed, idealistic, and fake. But that doesn't mean that you can make a generalization on every fan that you meet, then blame the fans' behavior on the team. That's stupid, and idiotic, much like your name.


And yeah, beating the Chargers has had an effect. LT is an amazing rusher, and I have a huge amount of respect for him, and he will probably go down as the greatest football player in history. But then he'll also be remembered in the sense that one team he couldn't beat two seasons in a row was the NE Pats. I think that's pretty big memory.

I still believe this site was created by a Pats fan. I know there are other sites that diss the pats, and I'm not bothered by that (hehe in fact I think it's funny) but this one in particular is too intelligent (in its articles) to be written by someone who indeed hates the Patriots. The posters, however, I know are true haters.

All I can say is, well-done to the fan who wrote this, for getting so many haters out there to pour their brains out. It's a hysterical laugh!

5:36 AM  
Anonymous Mike the Pats fan said...

Haha, who is the piece of shit who wastes their time writing a website about how much he hates the Patriots? You're a loser dude....what are you? a jet fan or something? dolphins? still wishing marino was nearly as clutch as tom? god damn loser, get a life.

Patriots 4->

7:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The best comment (read: dumbest) so far has been the implication that only stupid people hate the Patriots.

Maybe we get tired of the same, boring team winning all the time. Yes, they are good, but it all just gets old after a while.

And to the fans: why waste your time on a site that hates your beloved Pats? Just as we have "nothing better to do" than to hate, at least we aren't doing it on a fan site.

NOT EVERYONE HAS TO LIKE THE PATRIOTS. Get a clue sometime.

3:38 PM  
Anonymous Stupid points, man. said...

We know everyone hates us. And it's funny.


We waste time on sites like this to laugh our heads off. :)

12:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man... there are so may band wagon haters on this site now. It's becoming too trendy to hate the Patriots. They aren't boring any more... They have plenty of stars on their team... a few former criminals too... and they cheat! Excellent!

I think I actually like them now.

I'm going to have to hate on some other team now. Except no one else is good enough to hate.

10:49 PM  
Anonymous Heh heh heh again said...

That's right. We're too damn good. =]

6:22 PM  
Anonymous Tom's Forgotten Raincoat said...

Why is Marino in fact, better than Brady? He's not a man-whore, he's classier, and put up way better numbers. Baby Brady has the advantage of an excellent defense, and a field goal kicker who he owes his Super Bowl rings to (so don't use the oh-so-familar and old "he never got a ring" crap). And, Patsy fan, here's still more quarterbacks that are better than Brady. Just a short list, I know, but others can feel free to add.

Joe Montana (I'll put him on here twice, he's that much better)
Joe Namath
Brett Favre
Warren Moon
John Elway
Peyton Manning
Rex Grossman (just kidding)
Johnny Unitas
Joe Montana
Boomer Esiason

That last one was just for his lack of a huge brow ridge. Maybe that's why Pats fans love Brady so much. They can relate to the brow ridge and whininess.

7:35 PM  
Anonymous All Hail the Pats said...

....I do believe we won again, 34-17....


Suck on that for a while.

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Hater from Delaware said...

Congrats Hatriot fans! That makes "you" the only undefeated team in the NFL!!

Oh, wait...guess you're not that special...

1:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maradona wasn't a cheater. He was just a cocaine addict.

3:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Indianapolis Colts are the 06-07 Super Bowl Champions, and still are until they lose. Also the last time I checked they beat you guys something like the last 4 or 5 times they played the Pusstriots, anyway thus severely disgruntling Tom (ESPN has a hard-on for me) Brady i.e. the constant helmet throwing on the sideline! But it seems everyone has forgotten that, so to the New England Drama Machine known as the Patriots with the addition of ex viking, raider, and present ex-con, crybaby, I don't wanna play if we're not winning Randy Moss (just wait and see) and all the ignorant players who would sell their soul and their common sense to play for bellijoke and satan himself aka robert kraft craft or just plain CRAP! the playoffs are coming and just as it always seems to be in the cards you will meet the colts and you will lose! Have a nice day!


Sincerely,
The TRUTH!

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok the Colts folded yesterday like a cheap lawn chair in an embarrasing come-from-behind spanking by the NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS. Rich bitch pretty boy endorsement whore Manning is a CHOKING hazard for the rest of the team. He is lucky to have one ring; he'll never get another one -that whining choking cry-baby. Oh, and by the way, there are only 2 kinds of sports fans: those from New England, and those that hate us BECAUSE WE HAVE THE BEST SPORTS TEAMS IN THE WORLD!! Of course you hate us - because all your teams suck!! I'd have me too if I wasn't from New England! Choke on that, losers!

8:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

IF MY MEMORY SERVES ME RIGHT THE COLTS WERE WINNING THE LAST GAME UP UNTIL LATE IN THE FOURTH QUARTER. PRETTY BOY GOT A HORSEHOE UP HIS ASS AND ONE ANOTHER ONE. IM SURE PEYTON AND COMPANY WILL RETURN THE FAVOR AT THEIR NEXT MEETING. FUCK THE PATROITS.

7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah....their next meeting...


.....in Foxboro. :)


OH AND DON'T WORRY JUST PRESS THAT BUTTON THAT BLINKS GREEN LIKE THE PUKE YOUR GONNA HAVE ALL OVER YOUR RUG WHEN THE PATRIOTS WIN THE SUPERBOWL and the caps lock will be turned off.

3:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Looky there, time to dust off the ole trophy shelf. Here comes another Lombardi trophy (or should we rename it the Belichick trophy????)

We win again......gotta winner here...the rest of you are just jealous. You can't take anything away from the team with the MOST talent in the NFL (records and all).

Because of the Redsox and the Celtics, the trophy shelf should probably be reinforced with steel. ha ha ha ha ha

4:43 PM  
Anonymous ne rocks said...

You are right, but why, why, why do you have to bragg like that? You should leave and watch the Patriots win the superbowl.

6:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

um, here's the commentary from the next 10 Jets games:

Eric Mangini, Eric ManginiEric Mangini, Eric ManginiEric Mangini, Eric ManginiEric Mangini, Eric ManginiEric Mangini, EriEric Mangini, Eric Manginic Eric Mangini, Eric ManginiManginiEric Mangini, Eric ManginiEric Mangini, Eric ManginiEric Mangini, Eric Mangini

How's it feel to LOSE!?

7:44 AM  
Blogger chicken broth said...

we've fallen from grace??...you definetly like dick...its football..and yes..the patriots are the best team...notice after manGINA opened his mouth and we werent aloud to bring our cameras anywhere...we STILL killed everyone....thats it...deal with it..shit happens...like the fact that your "hatriots" need to do us all a favor and run into on coming traffic....time to go the way of old yeller...

1:04 PM  

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