Sunday, March 23, 2008

More Mailbag

Wisconsin (INEPT) - It is that time of year. March Madness, Frozen Four, and a tradition unlike any other, the Masters. Why can't it just be a tradition that is like other traditions? We can only wonder.

Football is an agonizing number of months away. But you, dear Reader, cannot be stopped. No, your mail flows in, unabated. And we find that, for your sake, we must answer. What would you do without our words of wisdom and healing?

Sarah mailed us. Not this Sarah, probably. (that is Sarah Connors from the TV show, Terminator. It is an awesome show)

Today, we consider a letter from Sarah, a young but impressionable fan of this site:
I emailed earlier but I had one question: Do you think it's abnormal that I now have a crush on everyone I meet named Eli? (I am a girl, so it's not disturbing, but is it abnormal?) -Sarah I.
Dear Sarah,
Of course, this is abnormal. But then again, you are reading a blog about deeply-felt and passionate Hatred for a football team. So consider it redundant.

That said, here at INEPT, we try to help our Readers as much as possible. Thus, here are some other Elis you might consider in your crushing.

Eli Stone: Please Cancel

Eli Stone is a TV show about a guy who gets a tumor in his head and switches from being an asshole lawyer to being a good-guy lawyer. Apparently, only cancer makes lawyers have a conscience. Or, bad TV shows. Whichever way, this is one Eli to look out for.

Eli Wallach: Awesome as a mean Mexican dude

For those of you too young to recognize this fine actor, it is none other than Eli Wallach. He has been in so many movies it is sick, but of course we remember him best in the flick that defines Spaghetti westerns, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. You may be wondering which of the three title roles he plays. Well, you guessed it: he plays Ugly. That is OK, though, because Eli gets most of the funny lines. Clint Eastwood just looks cool and does cool stuff, but isn't as funny as Eli.

Eli Roth: Horror Dude

Finally, we come to Eli Roth. He has been called the "crown prince of horror", but we know him better as "some guy who makes dipshit movies that only 15-year-olds see." Maybe not prime dating material, considering the main plot lines of his movies seem to involve cutting off lots of body parts.

So, dear Sarah, there you have it. You can crush on a fictional TV show guy, a real stud of an actor who just turned 83, or a punk director who will probably torture you before ending your life. Your call. Either way, none compare to our current football god, Mr. Manning the Junior:

Eli: You're still no. 1 with us, even if that is the wrong jersey

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008


Wisconsin (INEPT) - Time for some more reader mail. Enjoy!
Hey man fellow New England Patriot hater
here just thought I should send
this pic to you maybe you have seen this already.
-Saul R.

Sorry, Kids

Sorry, kids. We hate to disappoint. But those T-shirts should be used for a number of other things other than wearing. For example, cleaning up a mess, or burning. Thanks Saul!

From a lover:
Whats up Hater -- thought the site was a blast.
I'm adding a section of Hatriot links to my site
NE Patriots Draft and you are #1 in the links.
Congrats. Any link love that you could send
my way would be great. Keep up the good
(however misguided) work.

Dear James: Finally, a Lover who gets it! There is no need to hate us. Just embrace that for every fan, there is an anti-fan. It is like Newton's Third Law, but applied to football fandom. You can't change laws of nature! Thus, we are honored to link to this fine New England site. See the sidebar for them and others.

And another:

Dear Hater,
Love the site. Please keep it up
during the offseason!

Dear Anon, alas, we cannot keep up the Hatred year round. It is too much for any one man to support a deep passion such as this 365 days a year. Thus, we are on hiatus until August or so. But then, something special begins. As the news of New England greatness begin to roll in, as the prognosticators and pundits start to pick the Patriots for perfection (again), The Hatred begins to simmer. It begins to boil. And soon, you will have another explosion of Hatred to fill your football season. Until then, sporadic posting, at best. And one more thing, too: T-shirts. There is never a bad time to buy T-shirts. Enjoy!

18-1: Available in your favorite team colors (Giants, Colts, Jets, Steelers, Dolphins, Bills, Chargers)

What better to wear to the next game against the Patriots your team plays?

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Thursday, March 06, 2008

Boston: Hatin' on Belichick Too

Boston (INEPT) - A recent article in the Boston Globe talks about what a baby Belichick is. How quickly they turn on you. Only one word comes to mind when we think of Boston fans hatin' on Belichick: appropriate.

Belichick: Even Boston Hates You

Some choice quotes from the article:
The only reason Boston sports fans have put up with Belichick's act is because he's won, not because they like him. But now it's been three years since his last championship, and, the Spygate scandal aside, his sourpuss act is starting to feel like the nauseating will-they-or-won't-they bedroom drama between Sam and Diane. Enough already.

Other than the dated reference to Cheers, this tidbit hits the spot. Further:
Here, the fans make the games, the fans drive the excitement level, the fans generate the buzz before and after each event. And those fans deserve better than "Well, we're disappointed," which is all Belichick could muster when asked by Fox's Chris Myers what he could tell his team after its shocking 17-14 Super Bowl loss.

We're disappointed. He could have also said, "We're sad", or even something clever like "We're tired, and hungry. We could have used some Chunky soup!" Let us say it here first: how awesome would it have been had Belichick turned his moment of ultimate defeat into a multi-million dollar ad campaign for Campbell's soup? Let us answer: very awesome.

New England: Needed some Chowda

The final gem in this article comes in the next to last paragraph. It is a simple argument, but it is devastating:
There has been talk lately of comparing the Patriots of this decade to the Yankees of the late 1990s, two teams that kept on winning and that fans around the country eventually turned on because they got tired of seeing the same team on top. But it's a flawed argument. The Yankees had Joe Torre leading them, as classy as they come and impossible to hate.

Wow. At this point, one has to wonder if editor Doug Most values his life. To tell Boston fans that Belichick should grow up is one thing. But to compare the Patriots to the Yankees, and then have the Yankees come out on top in the comparison, well, that is suicidal. Run, Doug, run! Call witness protection! Be careful, for you have committed the cardinal sin of Boston reporting: saying something positive about the Yankees.

Yankees and Joe Torre: Classier than Belichick. Ouch!

Of course, Doug Most is partly wrong here. You can hate the Yankees. We certainly do. At least we did, when they used to win. That might raise a concern: are we just fair-weather Haters? Will we only keep Hating if the Patriots keep on winning? No worries there, dear Reader. Win or lose, rain or shine, we will keep Hating. Superbowl victory or failure to reach the playoffs, we will keep Hating. Simply put, we will keep hating the Patriots until they pry this blogging laptop out of our cold, dead hands.

Heston, Us: Very Similar, except he uses a gun

Update: As you all know, it is the off-season for Hatred. Expect many fewer posts, with even less insight than during the season, if that is possible. Occasional posts may celebrate various free agent and draft activities, but really, it all gets going again in August. See you then.