Football is an agonizing number of months away. But you, dear Reader, cannot be stopped. No, your mail flows in, unabated. And we find that, for your sake, we must answer. What would you do without our words of wisdom and healing?
Sarah mailed us. Not this Sarah, probably. (that is Sarah Connors from the TV show, Terminator. It is an awesome show)
Today, we consider a letter from Sarah, a young but impressionable fan of this site:
I emailed earlier but I had one question: Do you think it's abnormal that I now have a crush on everyone I meet named Eli? (I am a girl, so it's not disturbing, but is it abnormal?) -Sarah I.Dear Sarah,
Of course, this is abnormal. But then again, you are reading a blog about deeply-felt and passionate Hatred for a football team. So consider it redundant.
That said, here at INEPT, we try to help our Readers as much as possible. Thus, here are some other Elis you might consider in your crushing.
Eli Stone: Please Cancel
Eli Stone is a TV show about a guy who gets a tumor in his head and switches from being an asshole lawyer to being a good-guy lawyer. Apparently, only cancer makes lawyers have a conscience. Or, bad TV shows. Whichever way, this is one Eli to look out for.
Eli Wallach: Awesome as a mean Mexican dude
For those of you too young to recognize this fine actor, it is none other than Eli Wallach. He has been in so many movies it is sick, but of course we remember him best in the flick that defines Spaghetti westerns, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. You may be wondering which of the three title roles he plays. Well, you guessed it: he plays Ugly. That is OK, though, because Eli gets most of the funny lines. Clint Eastwood just looks cool and does cool stuff, but isn't as funny as Eli.
Eli Roth: Horror Dude
Finally, we come to Eli Roth. He has been called the "crown prince of horror", but we know him better as "some guy who makes dipshit movies that only 15-year-olds see." Maybe not prime dating material, considering the main plot lines of his movies seem to involve cutting off lots of body parts.
So, dear Sarah, there you have it. You can crush on a fictional TV show guy, a real stud of an actor who just turned 83, or a punk director who will probably torture you before ending your life. Your call. Either way, none compare to our current football god, Mr. Manning the Junior:
Eli: You're still no. 1 with us, even if that is the wrong jersey