Bearlies To Try New Approach: Defense Only

Chicago (INEPT) - The Chicago Bearlies, in the aftermath of a humiliating offensive performance against the mediocre New England Hatriots, have responded with a somewhat radical new strategy: never put the offense on the field.

"It's quite a simple approach, really," said Lovie "Dovie" Smith, the Bearlies head coach. "We just keep the defense out on the field, at all times."


Lovie Dovie: Defensive Genius


"But what about when you have the ball?" the clever Reader might ask. "Simple," explained L.D., "we just hike the ball to Urlacher, who quickly pitches it to the other team. After that, we try to strip the ball or pick it off; just get the ball somehow and run it into the endzone for a sweet six."

L.D. was also asked about the lackluster performance of QB T. Rex Grossman. "Who?" Smith replied. "Oh, right, him. No way he's getting on the field again. Seriously, no way. Are you kidding?"

In unrelated news, the Bearlies have confirmed Dennis Green's earlier comments: "We are who he thought we were, if that's how you say it," said a Bearlies spokesperson. "Really, we are."

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

INEPT (New England) - It is often said that truth is stranger than fiction. And what better demonstration of this than in the name of the Hatriots defensive coordinator? Yes, my friends, we are talking about none other than the one, the only, Dean Pees.



Dean Pees. Really, he does.


Coach Pees (yes, it's fun to say) apparently is not aware of some of the issues surrounding his name, as you can see in the following news articles:

• Dean Pees: On and Off The Field
• Dean Pees: "I'm just so relieved"
• "We're trying to flush him out", says Pees

No word yet on what Coach P's middle name is.

Old Man Vinny Signed

INEPT (Columbus) - In a move supported by the AARP, the Hatriots have signed quarterback Vinny Testes-verde.



Vinny: Older Than The Hatriots Thought?


Coach Belichoke explained the move: "We are looking for experience. Sometimes, experience comes at a cost, for example, not being able to walk or even feed yourself. But with good game-planning, Vinny and the rest of us can overcome these minor obstacles."

In related moves, the Hatriots have opened up talks with running back Pheidippides and punter Methuselah.

Good News, Bad News

INEPT (New England) - A classic Good news, Bad news situation emerged this past Sunday as the the New York Let-them-scores upset our darling Hatriots, 17-14.

The Good News:

• Any Hatriots loss is a sweet day here at INEPT


• The Let-them-scores emergence may allow them to challenge for the title in the AFC Least, perhaps bumping the Hatriots from the playoffs.


• We saw Belichoke demonstrate his true nature, with a cold handshake for his old pal Eric Mange-ini. Can't even choke out his name, can you, Bill?

Belichoke: Looking Good After Loss To Mange-ini


The Bad News:

• The win goes to Eric Mange-ini, a Belichoke ([1] [2]) protege


• The Let-them-scores won in classic Hatriot style, boring us all to death


• The more teams that adopt the Hatriot style (Defense + Boring = Success), the more we all lose

So we are left in a quandary. As true Haters, can we rejoice at this Hatriot loss? Or are we concerned that the Mange-ini win marks the beginning of the spread of Hatriot-style football? What do you think, dear reader?

Brady Throws Another Pick

INEPT (New England) - After returning to his home after a thorough domination at the hands of King Manning, Tom Brady was picked off once again by the neighbor's dog while trying to toss a frisbee to a friend:



Brady: Picked Again


Brady said afterwards that he "... didn't see the dog coming", and later claimed that the frisbee should have been caught by his friend, fellow Brady Buncher Kevin "Not Marshall" Faulk. "Kevin just tipped it up in the air, and the dog was there to snag it. What can you do?"

Fortunately for Brady, this fifth canine interception did not affect his passing rating, which was a brutal 34.1.