Sunday, December 30, 2007

The Moss Distortion Factor

The Moss Distortion Factor (MDF). As defined by Webster's dictionary, year 2054:
The ability to hide many fundamental flaws with a single and unusually outstanding component. Derives from a participant in what was once referred to as the National Football League. This participant, the eponymous Randy Moss, possessed a unique blend of speed and size allowed the same to repeatedly run behind double coverage and catch long touchdown passes. While successful in the short run, teams that grew to rely on Moss were eventually unmasked as overly reliant on said play and thus ultimately defeated (see Minnesota Vikings [1998] and New England Hatriots [2007]). Over time, the Moss Distortion Factor (MDF) became a more general term and thus found its use in modern language.

There is one thing written on the chalkboard. It is repeated often. It is stressed all week during practice. It is mentioned more than once during pregame. It is screamed, often a moment too late, during the game itself. It is "Do Not Let Moss Get Behind You." This most recent effort, against the surprisingly game New York Giants, showed how easy it is to forget these wise words.

Hi, I'm Randy Moss. Please don't cover me on deep routes.

But we are not concerned. The playoffs bring you a different beast. Teams do not make the same kinds of mistakes. Tapes will be scrutinized. Screams will be screamed. And some smart young whippersnapper of an assistant coach will figure out: "Hey, if I stop Randy Moss, we might just beat that team. They rely way too heavily on being able to just chuck it down there and have him catch it. They did it against the Colts. They did it against the Giants (who even covered him with a linebacker!). They won't do it against us, though."

Hi, I'm a linebacker for the Giants. Why am I covering Randy Moss?

And thus, the Moss Distortion Factor (MDF). Right now, Hatriots fans are rejoicing. "A perfect season!" they all shout in beer-infused harmony. No worries, my fellow Haters. Sit back, relax, watch that first playoff week go by. And then get ready. The Jaguars are studying the film. So are the Colts, and the Steelers. They will go into the Northeast with one thing on their mind. When the clock ticks down to zero, and what was perfect becomes historically imperfect, a new term will be born. The Moss Distortion Factor. And this season of undefeat will instantly, irrevertibly morph into one of the most glorious years of football in the modern era.

Coming soon: New Hater T-shirts! (playoff editions)

Labels: , ,

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Hoping for 16-0

Midwest (INEPT) - Here we are, on the brink of Hatred Disaster. Though the hapless Letdowns actually put up a fight, the outcome was the same. The season of Undefeat continues.

Letdown Again

And yet, here at INEPT, we encourage you, for the next two weeks, to swallow your bile and actually, yes, cheer on the Hatriots. While a bit counter to the usual message from this site, you, dear Reader, as a true and dedicated Hater, must root for those whiners from the Northeast. We, as true Haters, want 16-0. We, as true Haters, need 16-0.


Of course, as your mouth hangs open in slack-jawed surprise, be wondering: Why? The reasons are actually quite simple:
  • Immense Pressure. Going 16-0 will place an inordinate amount of pressure on the Hatriots. Just imagine the thoughts that will run through their minds in the 4th quarter of a close playoff game: "Oh my gosh, we can't lose. We just can't! The whole season will be ruined." Also, the might be thinking about eating a tasty sausage pizza.
  • Media Frenzy. The media will also pile on, asking them numerous mind-bendingly dull and stupid questions about going undefeated. This will force the Hatriots to spend time coming up with even more stupid answers. An example: last week's sausage pizza quote from Rodney HGHarrison.
  • An Historical Failure. When the Hatriots role into the playoffs at 16-0, the pending playoff loss will be talked about for a long time, and the Hatriots will be remembered as (1) a team that got caught cheating and (2) an incredible failure to deliver on what could have been perfection. Anytime a team goes N and 0 (N>8), the first thing the media will bring up is the Hatriots and how they almost were perfect but failed. They may also bring up Sausage Pizza.

We know we are asking for a lot. We know how much you hate. But if you were weak, you wouldn't be here. No, only the strong can Hate, for so long, and with such singularity of focus. So Haters, one and all, unite for these two short weeks. Cheer on those that we normally Hate. With a little luck (or, more likely, some Colt or Jaguar skill), this miserable season will come to a wondrous close, with deplorable Undefeat transforming into glorious One-defeat.

BTW: What is up with Belichoke's Awesome game comment to Mangini? Once again, old Bill sounds like an asshole. But we suppose we should only write about things that surprise us.

Labels: , , ,

Monday, December 10, 2007

Pure Class: The Hatriot Way

New England (INEPT) - In the aftermath of the utterly dreadful Disaster by Giftsburgh III, the New England Hatriots were a study in class. Pure, high-class gents, these wonderful fellows are.

We all know what got our little boys in blue all bunched up in the underpants. Young safety Anthony Smith made the mistake of saying his team was going to win. Oh my gosh, no, not that! How dare he! But the team with the biggest chip on their shoulders wouldn't let such a silly thing slide. Nope.

Of course, it starts at the top. Coach Belichoke was asked about the long touchdown pass to Kareem Abdul Jabar Gaffney on a trick play. His classy response: "The safety play at that position was pretty inviting." That's awesome, Bill. Crack on some guy because he made the mistake of being positive about his team's chances, and worse, got goaded into making it a "guarantee" by the idiotic, guarantee-seeking media. Belichoke went on to say "we've played against a lot better safeties than him, I'll tell you." Wow, Bill, you are a true leader of men. Maybe you should talk a little more about all of your extra-marital problems, and less about Anthony Smith. What do you think about that? Creep.


Of course, it didn't end there. Rodney Harrison tried to explain the whole thing. Having Rodney make something more clear, of course, is like asking Einstein to put on the pads and play - it just doesn't make sense. Rodney said: "It's like when you go to the pizza shop and you order your pizza and you say you want extra sausage," Harrison said. "That [comment] was extra sausage." What in the world is Rodney talking about? Also, I think he meant HGH, not sausage.

Mmmm, Sausage

Tom 'Fraidy couldn't help himself either. When asked what he said to Smith on the field, Tommy said, "I don't care to repeat it," Brady said, "especially if my mother reads it. She wouldn't be happy with what I said." Are you sure, Prince Tommy? INEPT has some guesses as to what he might have said. "I have an out of wedlock kid; how about you Anthony?" or "My hair stylist cancelled my appointment! So F--- off." or perhaps "Check out these teeth, motherf---er." We ran these by Tommy's mom, and she was OK with all of them. So you were wrong, Tom, you were wrong.

Nice Teeth, MFer

One positive from the game. Some people actually paid money to fly this banner over the stadium: Bonds — 756*, Belichick — 3 Super Bowl wins*. How awesome is that? We are still looking for a picture. And yes, we would have kicked in a few bucks. I can see the ad now: "Banner: $200. Airplane rental for an hour: $500. Seeing the look on all those New England faces: Priceless."