Superbowl Preview

Indianapolis (INEPT) - It is superbowl week. So what should we give you, dear Reader? Well, of course, a discussion of the most important game of the year. The superbowl? No, of course not. The most important game of the year is obviously one in which our dear Hatriots lose, particularly if it is a playoff game. Thus, we recap what was clearly the most important game of the year: the AFC championship game.

The game, so memorable. The final result, so sweet. We must recall each precious moment, lest we forget this beautiful, wonderous, magnificent result.

Things That Mattered:

• The Colts didn't panic: Ran the ball plenty of times. Note to Sham Diego: run the ball! Oddly enough, Cam Cameron's punishment for forgetting about the best running back in the league? A promotion!



Colts didn't panic, either


• The ball finally bounced the right way (sometimes): Admit it: when Logan Manchild scored on a fumble, you thought: here we go again. But suddenly, the Colts return the favor! (the Rhodes to Saturday connection!) And then, Reggie "John" Wayne catches his own fumble mid-air! (yes, it wouldn't have mattered thanks to the hit on the helmet, but still).



Reggie "John" Wayne: Our lucky hero


• The Colts end-of-game clock management: Brilliant! Why didn't Mike Martz think of that back in Super Bowl XLI? Oh yeah, because he is an arrogant fool that started this whole mess (the Hatriot Whine-asty).



Colts are smarter than Martz


• The pressure from Freeney: No big sacks of Brady, but one time Brady just goes down when he feels Freeney coming near him, and on the penultimate play, when Brady throws the pick to Marlin Jackson (now an official INEPT hall-of-famer), Brady rushes as Freeney closes in on him. Without Freeney, Tom takes his time, hits three more passes, wins the game, crushes our souls. With Freeney, Tom hurries, Colts win. Colts WIN!



Guess what? Freeney is awesome


• Bob Sanders: Bob also gets into the INEPT Hall of Fame for his role in this game. Amazing! His play throughout, of course, gets a nod, but the big play was stopping the old 'Fraidy-to-Troy connection, getting the Colts the ball back. Pure magic.



Bob Sanders: Future INEPT Hall of Famer?

Things That Didn't Matter

• Colts cheerleaders changed outfits at halftime: Seriously, they did. We don't think it mattered, though. Probably



Before, After: Losing The Chaps A Key To Victory?


• Reche dropped some passes: After the first big drop in the endzone, the Hatriots scored anyway (the tippy-toe "were his feet really in?" "that is such a stupid rule" catch in the back of the endzone). So no big deal. The other one, with him "wide open", probably would have gained 6 or 8 yards (Colts safety was closing fast).



Butterfinger: You can actually buy this from Amazon.com


• Reche does funny things with his eyes: What the heck was that dude doing with his eyes? He looked like that guy Kenneth on American idol:



Reche, Kenneth: Whose Eyes Are Stranger?


• The Hatriot Flu bug: The Flu was to blame, some say. We say: are you serious? Big players step up. Remember Michael Jordan? The Utah Jazz certainly do.



A flu bug, or Coach Belichoke: You make the call


• Supposed "Bad Calls" on Hatriots:Example #1: The late hit call on the Hatriots: Many whiners claim this was a big play. Really, it was a 10-yard difference. Probably just would have taken a little more time off the clock. Example #2: The pass interference call. Was it interference? Maybe, maybe not. Should the defender have turned his head? Of course, otherwise he is begging to get flagged. Do the Hatriots interfere regularly? Yes. What goes around comes around, they say.



This ref says: Sorry Hatriots

Prediction Recap: INEPT had the game at Colts 38, Hatriots 17. So we got it half right. Just didn't expect Manning to be so generous (he is a southern gentleman after all), or Ellis Hobbs to go crazy on every kickoff return. Colts outgained the Hatriots by 50% in yardage, which would indicate a game that wasn't as close as the final score might indicate.

Coming soon: the induction ceremony for the INEPT Hall of Fame. Nominations are being taken as we speak. Get your nomination in today!

Oh. My. God. 38-34!

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!


The Pick That Ended The Game

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! etc.

Top Five Reasons Hatriots Will Lose Sunday

#5 - Tom Gets A Life: Tom 'Fraidy is spending too much time on his "life", and not "football". Look at his playoff numbers to understand the effect -- not too hot. Most recent example: moving on from Bridget to a Giselle.


Giselle: "At least I'm hot (during the playoffs)"


#4 - Hard To Keep Playing The Underdog: Even Hatriots fan and ESPN guy Bill Simmons gets it (see this article for details): when they keep winning, they can't keep pretending they are not getting any respect. Good quote from the article: "An entire generation of fledgling NFL fans is being raised to root against them as we speak." Yes, Bill, we do!


Simmons: "I get it, you hate us"


#3 - Peyton Is Due: Seriously, life cannot be that cruel. So many big games, so many disappointments. A great QB, but no rings. The only one rooting against him: Dan Marino. And Jim Kelly. Oh yes, Dan Fouts. And Fran Tarkenton. And ...


Peyton: Don't join this HOF crew


#2 - Adam, Vinny, Terry: This three-named kicker used to be our biggest fear. Now, he is our best friend. Come on guys, kick some field goals!


Three great kickers, finally on our side


#1 - It Is Time: Rafiki said it best: "it is time". It just is. This has gone on long enough. We cannot take two more weeks of this. Even the Roman Empire fell. Please end it. Please!


Rafiki says: It is time

The Fall of Rome: AFC Championship Prediction

Ann Arbor (INEPT) - Empires rise. And empires fall. Consider the Roman Empire. Long-lasting, dominant (if lucky), innovative in the realm of sanitation, and eventually, bloated and corpulent, ready to be thrown down. Yes, Hatriot fans, Rome fell. As Thomas Cahill describes in his book:

The citizens of Rome, therefore, could not believe it when toward the end of the first decade of the fifth century, they woke to find Alaric, king of the Visigoths, and all his forces parked at their gates. He might as well have been king of the Fuzzy-Wuzzies, or any of the other inconsequential outlanders that civilized people have looked down their noses at throughout history. It was preposterous. They dispatched a pair of envoys to conduct the tiresome negotiation and send him away. The envoys began with empty threats: any attack on Rome was doomed, for it would be met by invincible strength and innumerable ranks of warriors.


An Overconfident Envoy

Alaric was a sharp man, and in his rough fashion, a just one. He also had a sense of humor. "The thicker the grass, the more easily scythed," he replied evenly.

The envoys quickly recognized that their man was no fool. All right, then, what was the price of his departure? Alaric told them: his men would sweep through the city, taking all gold, all silver, and everything of value that could be moved. They would also round up and cart off every barbarian slave.


Alaric at the Gates

But, protested the hysterical envoys, what will that leave us?

Alaric paused. "Your lives."

In that pause, Roman security died and a new world was conceived.


To all citizens of Rome (Hatriot Fans): that day has come. Alaric is at your gates. The fall of Rome is upon us.

Game Prediction: Colts 38, Hatriots 17.

Nightmare in San Diego (Part 2)

San Diego (INEPT) - I am trapped in a dream. It is dark. I am alone. I walk towards the light in the distance. It is the TV. I sit. It is football. I smile. It is the Hatriots vs. Chargers. I worry. The game begins.

I relax. Chargers up 14-3. Hatriots can't run, San Diego can. Blitzes making Brady look bad, mortal. It is sunny out. Could this be the day? Prevent defense; I sit up, concerned. Soon 14-10. 3rd quarter rolls in, the Chargers roll on. 21-10. A hint of happiness on our face. Hope remains. Happiness, possible?

But it happens. It always happens. The moment. The Hatriot moment. Other team, better team, but so generous. So generous. Why so generous? The Raiders, Steelers, Rams, Steelers (again), and now, the Chargers.


Hatriot Moment Hall of Fame


So many Hatriot moments Sunday, so little time. We highlight. Drayton Florence, for a headbutt from Heaven. Marlon McRee, for not securing the ball on an unnecessary interception (just knock it down!). Marty Shot-in-header, for forgetting the best player in football is on your team. Your ball, 4 minutes left, tie game. LT averaging over 5 yards per carry. First down, LT gets 6. Second down, throw (incomplete). Third down, throw (incomplete). Punt. Lose. Why not run, Marty? WHY NOT RUN? Repeat: Best Player in Football. WHY NOT RUN?

This is why we hate. This is why. The Hatriots only goal: boring, lifeless football. As fans point out, often winning football. Facts cannot be denied. But boring. Boring! Not fun to watch. Better teams, better players, out. We're left with: Boring.

As a fan of the game, we object. We object. It must be stopped. It will be stopped. Can it be stopped?

I wake. It is cold. I hope. Just a dream? I walk to the TV. A dream, a bad dream? Please? Sportscenter. Highlights. Brady. Smiling. Belichoke. Hugging. Vrabel. Dancing. I shiver. I retch. I ...

Nightmare in San Diego (Part 1)

San Diego (INEPT) - A h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h !

N o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o !



We are screaming


Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up!

The Calculus of Worry

Ann Arbor, MI (INEPT) - We must admit. We are worried. The playoff picture is shaping up. And though the road is tough for our beloved Hatriots, it is not as fraught with peril as we might like.


This Guy Is Worried, Are You?

This weekend's game against the Mighty Chargers is an excellent example. San Diego has the trappings of a team that will generously give the game away to Belichoke and pals. Why?

• Inexperienced QB on otherwise great team: These games tend to be about QB effectiveness, and young QBs tend to, well, stink. See Disaster in Giftsburgh (I) for example. Good ol' Phil Rivers may be in a gift-giving mood.
• Belichoke knows how to stop the run: We must admit, Belichoke is usually good at taking away the run. Usually. Even in last year's beautiful smashing in Bronco-land, Denver and its mighty rush offense had trouble running the ball. SD reliance on LT makes us worry.
• Any team coached by Schotty: Marty just gives us a bad feeling. Ask John Elway for details.

For these reasons, we cannot sleep. For these reasons, we continue to worry. Our constitution is strong, but is it strong enough? Each step the Hatriots take, our heart beats faster. We are not sure we can handle another off-season full of Belichoke praise and Tom 'Fraidy glory.

Dear Reader: Are our fears justified? Or should we rest easy, and hope for more Proof that God Exists, delivered to us by LT and company?

Playoff Preview: Jets Unveil Secret Weapon

New England (INEPT) - In a move that startled players and coaches alike, New York Jets head coach Eric "Chuck" Mangini unveiled the Jets secret weapon for Sunday's upcoming game with the New England Hatriots:


Just Who Is This Guy?

The man, referred to simply as "Joe", immediately made his mark on the game, issuing the following statements:

• "The Jets will win on Sunday. I guarantee it."
• "I like my Johnnie Walker Red and my women blonde."
• "I wanna kiss you!"

Can "Joe" step in and make a contribution? Can the Jets beat the Hatriots twice on their home turf? Will "Joe" be wearing pantyhose during the game? Tune in this Sunday and find out.

INEPT Prediction for the game: Jets 103, Hatriots 2.