Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Hatred Is Spreading

Wisconsin (INEPT) - And we thought we were original. But Hatred in all its glory takes front stage at the electric website, a collection of all things negative about those snobs from the "Harvard of the South."

Duke Hatred is Spreading: They Even Sell T-Shirts!

Some choice fun from this marvelous place:

  • The Random Quote Generator. When I went there, I got this gem: "Before losing to UNC in 1989, the student body, referring to Carolina's star center J.R. Reid, raised a sign that read, 'J.R. Can't Reid This.' The same statement was chanted, even though Reid was actually a quite intelligent and scholastically accomplished student athlete. This is the stuff of class?

    Dean Smith was badly troubled by the latter incident, which he understandably construed as a racial slur. Because Coach Smith had also recruited two of Duke's big men, Christian Laettner and Danny Ferry, he coincidentally knew what these players scored on the SAT. In a press conference, he rebutted the crowd's baseless innuendo by explaining that J.R. Reid and frontcourt mate Scott Williams accomplished a higher combined SAT score than did Laettner and Ferry, both white. Smith took pains to avoid disclosing any specific scores, nor did he provide any individual comparisons. In response, the same group that slanderously labeled Reid illiterate berated Smith for his audacity in disclosing the completely true, but purportedly 'private,' information of its players. "

  • Lots of Photoshops. Too many to choose from. My favorite:

    The Rat Indeed

  • The AntiDook Manifesto. We all love manifestos. Who doesn't? But this manifesto is a riveting read for those who've ever born animosity to those Cameron Crazies and their unloveable hoop squad. Here is some fun about the Duke tendency to flop to draw a charge: "Perhaps the biggest reason for the disparity in foul totals is the outrageous manner in which game officials apply the ever-subjective offensive foul rule. You know the scenario: An opposing player blows by a slower Duke defender while being closely guarded thirty feet from the basket. As the player races to the hoop for a lay-up, another Duke player jumps into his path, often while the offensive player is in the air, deliberately causing a dangerous collision near the basket. The late arriving defender falls over backward, arms flailing, with a melodramatic shriek. As sure as the sun sets in the West, one of the three game referees will run to the scene, often from far out of position, hand clasped behind his head, whistle sounding loudly, all with Krzyzewski's pumping fist signaling his approval in the background. Of course, when the opposition attempts to return the favor, the call is just as surely a block or, at best, a no call."

All we need to hear is that Coach K. has been taping other teams' practice sessions. That would be perfect.

Spygate Continues: As we all know, and as INEPT predicted, Spygate continues to have legs. Not legs like those below, but legs.

Not legs like this

From a recent article in the NY Times, entitled New Claim of Taping Emerges Against Patriots:
The Patriots’ pattern of illicitly videotaping the signals of opposing N.F.L. coaches began in Coach Bill Belichick’s first preseason with the team in 2000, a former Patriots player said. The information was put to use in that year’s regular-season opener against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Belichick’s debut as New England’s coach.

One way Patriot fans hope to squirm out of this is by saying that the rules were vague. Just to clear that up, here is Jeff Fisher, Titan coach and Rules Committee Member:
“The rules are very, very clear,” said Tennessee Titans Coach Jeff Fisher, a committee member. “There is no need to be more specific or clarify any rules whatsoever.”

The funny thing for us here at INEPT is how often Patriot fans used to point to Belichick's genius, in particular his ability to beat a team/quarterback the second time he faces them. Well, I wonder how often that claim will be put forth now? A lot easier to win, Bill, when you have the tapes, huh?

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Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Random Hatred, Mockery, Etc.

Top Ten, Baby: CBS Top Ten New England Patriot Excuses
  • 10. What? It's best of seven
  • 9. Too much pre-game chowder
  • 8. Since when is that dude allowed to catch a ball with his head?
  • 7. Terrified by that Fox football robot
  • 6. Everything was fine 'til Dr. Phil decided to straighten us out
  • 5. Should have campaigned harder in Florida
  • 4. Entire team stayed up late the night before watching Hannah Montana concert movie
  • 3. Exhausted after spending hours consoling a weepy Terrell Owens
  • 2. Thought game was supposed to be played on Super Tuesday
  • 1. Airline lost our 'roids

19-0 merchandise: Too brutal. Amazon, sorry about this not working out:

19-0 Book Cover Shot: Tom is still shouting, just for different reasons.

Also, apparently the Patriots are finally doing some good for the world. According to this story:
Shirts, sweatshirts and hats, all printed with the Patriots as the Super Bowl winners, arrived at the World Vision warehouse in Sewickley on Tuesday.

Many of the shirts say "19-0" -- a reference to the Pats' quest for a perfect record. Instead, the Giants' victory ended the AFC champions' season at 18-1.

The losers' gear will be packed and sent to third-world countries by World Vision, which works to improve the lives of poor children in more than 100 countries.

The poor people of these countries will thus be wearing "19-0" shirts around, thus cruelly mocking a team they may never have heard of.

INEPT apologizes to all poor people who can't fork over $15 or so for one of these fine shirts:

T-Shirts: Not for free, sorry! Buy one here!

Odd Shakespearean Stuff: NPR shouldn't do it football. Really, they shouldn't. But they did. Some selections:
The Players: Sideline Wench, a reporter for the Duchy of Fox; Kornheisercranz, herald; Wilbonstern, herald; Brady, a fair-haired boy; Eli, a boy; reporters, bloggers, correspondents, cameramen, soundmen, hangers-on, sycophants, small children throwing rose petals.

It gets worse:
Wilbonstern: But look now, who approaches from yon other way?
'Tis young Eli, who seems, in his manner, yet a boy,
No match for such a paragon as the dauntless Brady.

Paragon, my ass. But "Kornheisercranz" was more on the mark:

Kornheisercranz: 'Tis so, he is yet more Manning than man,
But the football blood that fills that callow vessel
Is as royal as Brady ever bought to his captured throne.
Eli is the seed of the sainted Archie
And thus branch from the same tree as Peyton,
He, who made stallions of Colts but twelvemonth past.
Mayhap the lad can, with a pigskin, find the same mark
Little David did when bookies of yore favored huge Goliath.

Goliath: 18 wins, and 1 deadly stone to the head. David wins! I always thought Kornheiser was better than Wilbon, even before the heart attack.

Interview: Another interview with our buddy t.k. The questions:
1. Giants win super bowl 42: Shocking or Expected?
2. The Patriots dynasty will crumble because many Patriots will be leaving and retiring.
3. The Giants have a shot at repeating next season?
4. The Better QB: Eli or Peyton?
5. THe Best playoff QB of all time.

Answers here. We'll probably do an interview with t.k. sometime, so we can figure out who he is exactly.

Mathematica: A mathematical view of the Patriot season:

The Mathematics of Imperfection

Those F***ing Patriots: A nice clip from the YouTubes. Found here, pointed out to us by Patriot Hater Dave H. Enjoy!

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Monday, February 04, 2008

The Giant Drive

Arizona (INEPT) - As we bask in the glow of the Giant upset, we here at INEPT have decided to relive this past game in all of its gory detail. We begin with what will from now on be known in Superbowl lexicon simply as this: the Drive. Move over, Elway.

Our Graphical Depiction of Giant Drive (Click on picture to enlarge). Play-by-play here.

The graphical depiction shows the beautiful drive, unfolded in time (vertical) and space (horizontal). Two minutes and four seconds of blood, sweat, and at the end, Plax's tears. So many turning points, each of which could have changed the outcome. As much as we would like to believe it, the win was not inevitable. Because of that, though, it is sweeter. This victory was earned.

It began so simply: a pass threaded to the sure-handed Amani Toomer. 11 yards, first down. So many last-minute drives fail to even get that initial first down. Right off the bat, we can see, there is fight in these Giants. Eli is not rattled; rather, he is preternaturally cool. The only problem (as you can see in the graph above): time is ticking. Already, thirty precious ticks, gone.

Easy E: Cool from the Start

Trouble begins brewing. Two quick incompletions (both hoping to connect with Burress), and we are at the two-minute warning. Third down. Tension is high. The evil team, just two plays away from perfection, and Hater Nation, two plays away from endless agony.

But Eli is up to the task. He zips a pass to Toomer, who catches it, falls, and is quickly touched by Rodney HGHarrison. But, Toomer didn't make it. Another test coming: 4th and 1. In come the heavies. Jacobs in the backfield. Everyone knows who is getting the ball. If Belichick had videotapes, he might even know the exact play call. But he doesn't. The ball is hiked, Jacobs plunges forward. He falls. And he converts. First down!

Jacobs: Needs one, gets two.

Eli scrambles for five, nearly losing the ball in the process. Another moment where the game could have turned. Another sign: the Football Gods might be on the right side (finally). If that play didn't convince of you that divinity favored the team from New York, the next two will. These two plays are the turning point of the drive, the game, the season, and history. Two little plays, one Giant outcome. Here we go.

The Football Gods: Fickle, but Just.

2nd and 5. Eli throws a bad pass out to the right side. Did the receiver run the right route? Was it a bad throw? We might never know. What we do know: the ball was in Asante Samuel's hands. In his hands. If he catches it, game over. If he catches it. If. The ball slips through his hands. The game continues.

Asante "Butterfingers" Samuel

Now play number two. Of course, by itself, this play will live on in football lore. This play, so special, amazing, spectacular, miraculous, that it will have its own name. Thus, we name it: the Catch. Sorry, Dwight, it was that good.

What used to be the Catch; sorry, Dwight.

You know the play by now. So ridiculous, in fact, that there are two components. First, Eli avoids three different Patriots, somehow stumbling his way to freedom. He will not be tackled, he will not be denied. A sack, and it's fourth down and a ways to go. But no sacks are to be found here. Instead, Eli scrambles away, and flings one up there. It soars ...

Eli: Tackle me? No thanks. I'd rather chuck it downfield.

The second part is the stuff of pure legend. The hero: little-used received David Tyree. The foil: none other than Rodney Harrison. The ball wobbles through the air. They leap. Tyree grabs it, but experienced, (artifically) strong, all-pro Rodney gets his arm in there and rips. Rodney has Tyree's arm, Tyree's right arm and head have the ball. How does he hang on? As he hits the ground, he puts his other hand back on it, securing the ball. An unbelievable, how in the world, what the F---? catch. In a moment, the game changes. The Giants are now threatening. But threatening doesn't win games -- they have to get in.

How did Tyree do this?

We know how the Patriots have excelled here. Against a strong Chargers team just two weeks ago, numerous red-zone stops turned touchdowns into field goals, turned defeat into victory. They have done it many times. Would they today?

Trouble: Brewing one last time. In the picture, replace coffee with Trouble. Then, it works.

Despite the Catch, the Giants get into third and long again, thanks to a sack and an incomplete pass. But a new hero emerges. Rookie Steve Smith catches a quick pass towards the sideline, keeps his balance, and side-steps towards the marker. He leans: first down!

Smith: Converts

So here we are. It started off on the Giant 17, but now it is on the Patriot 13. First down. This is where Belichick and friends usually shine. But no more tapes, now, Bill. Just your guts. And your generous, wonderful, red-hoodied gut was telling you: blitz.

Red-hoodied Belichick's Gut: Blitz!

At the line, Eli smiled the smile of a Cheshire cat. Looks like Blitz, he is thinking. Where is Plax? Single with Hobbs. Eli is almost too anxious, almost too excited. Come on and blitz! Blitz! Bring it! Bring it, and we will score. Bring it, and we will win. Bring it, Eli implores. They bring it.

Patriots bring it...

Earlier in the game, in the walk-through, Eli is tossing seen tossing fades to Plaxico. Wobbly, slow, knee-hurting, high-ankle spraining, Superbowl-predicting Plaxico. Each pass falls gently into Plax's hands, a simple yet portentous audition. This is just like the walk-through, just like those many hours of practice. Eli lofts it, Plaxico fakes a slant, turns outside, and cradles the lofted pass. They brought it, Eli threw it, Plax caught it. The Drive, now over. The game, nearly so. And history, sweet record of what has happened, will write: these Giants won the game.

Plaxico cradles Victory

So there it is. So many points where things could have gone wrong. So many chances for 19-0. Instead, we are left with 18-1. And that, dear Haters, sounds like perfection to us.

18-1: The Perfect Ending. Celebrate with a T-shirt!

Coming soon: Some new thoughts on all that is wrong with Patriot nation, and why this loss might have more impact than they would like to let on.

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More lolcatz... er... dogz

Loldogz: Somebody sent me this:


Somehow, I can't stop laughing.

Mercury Morris: If there was a downside to the Patriots loss (hard to imagine), it was that we have to hear quotes from the '72 Dolphins. Mercury Morris, at his best (and worst):
I'm very humbled at what the Giants were able to do as underdogs, realizing that on any given Sunday, anybody can beat anybody else, except in 1972.

Man, those guys are pricks. It won't be long until somebody starts I Hate The 1972 Miami Dolphins, an even worse blog than this one. I can't wait until all of those old guys die.

Mercury Morris: Jail made him clever-er.

Coming soon: The slow process of enjoying each and every aspect of that most delicious game. First up: The Drive. Sorry, Elway, your Drive is now just a footnote of history.

And finally, the Ridiculous: Just one picture to look at. Amazing:

Manning: Elusive? Tyree: Head-catching Stud

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Sunday, February 03, 2008


Arizona (INEPT) - Words fail us. But T-shirts don't. Buy one while they last! (Thanks to GiantsFaninNE for the suggestion)

18-1 and other T-Shirts: Click here to buy one!

An amazing game. An amazing end. Cheaters: Defeated. Tears in Plax's eyes, and a sweet sweet game winning catch in his hands.

Plax: Awesome

Can't say enough about Eli. Clutch. Clutch. CLUTCH!

Eli: Clutch

More tomorrow. Enjoy it, Haters. Enjoy it!

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Saturday, February 02, 2008

Spygate Continues

Arizona (INEPT) - Despite the NFL's best efforts to squash the story (thanks Roger Goodell), the Spygate story continues to have legs. The latest is the appearance of Matt Walsh, the former video guru for the Patriots. Much to their displeasure, he has begun to talk. These quotes are from an excellent summary on ESPN (by Mike Fish).
  • Fact: A video guy has been with the team a long time. Quoting the article:
    Matt Walsh worked seven years with the New England Patriots before being let go on Martin Luther King Day in 2003. He was on the New Orleans Superdome sidelines when the Pats kicked off their dominant run, upsetting the St. Louis Rams in the 2002 Super Bowl. He wasn't a chiseled athlete, but a go-getter who climbed his way up the team's support staff ladder -- first as a public relations intern, then as a video assistant and later, in his last year, a college scout.

    Mostly, though, his years with New England were spent shooting football video.

  • Fact: The NFL doesn't seem to have done a very thorough investigation. Quoting again:

    Walsh told that, in the wake of the cheating scandal that broke early in the season, he has never been contacted by NFL officials to inquire about his insight into the Patriots' illegal taping practices, which he says date back to his time with the franchise. Nor, he said, has there been any communication with the Patriots.

    This news, plus the shredding of the evidence, confirms what many have felt: the NFL wants this to go away. But the truth has a way of coming out. Ask this guy.

  • Fact: Belichick has been cheating for a looooong time:

    As for the prospect of Adams sharing insight into the suspicious practices, Walsh said: "You've got a better chance of him telling you who killed JFK than anything about New England. There are lots of stories there. He told me stories of things they used to do in Cleveland [where Adams assisted Belichick with the Browns]."
    Yes, that's right, since Cleveland. Of course, you'd think that this might have convinced him that cheating doesn't help very much (overall record at Cleveland: 36-44)

  • Fact: ESPN is cheap, or chickenshit, or both.
    Walsh said he is fearful of possible legal action against him by either the league or Patriots if he details what he knows. He refused to provide evidence of potential wrongdoing unless ESPN agreed to pay his legal fees related to his involvement in the story, as well as an indemnification agreement that would cover any damages found against him in court. ESPN denied his requests.

    He [Walsh] said he fears the potential wrath of the Patriots, and their ability to tie him in up in court for an extended period of time. Although he stopped short of saying he has actual video evidence, he suggested he does; and so raised the possibility that it might be viewed as stolen property.
    Nice work, ESPN. Get the story, dammit! That's what you all are supposed to do! Well, that, and make stuff up.

So, my Friends, the story has legs. It is not going away. And somebody is going to get this guy to testify. Maybe our buddy Arlen Specter. Maybe our idols over at the New York Post. Or maybe some rich, dedicated Hater who wastes countless hours reading this blog.

Spygate has legs. Not nice like Giselle's, but legs.

At least, we won't have to hear lame arguments like this anymore:
Go and check out SI. And then watch some ESPN. You'll probably learn something (as hard as it seems) along the lines of that they found NO footage of us cheating during the Super Bowl.

Might want to rethink that one, huh?

Update: Unnamed sources suck. But they feed the Hatred, and we are Hungry. This article from ESPN news service:
An unnamed source has claimed a New England Patriots employee secretly videotaped the St. Louis Rams' pregame walk-through the day before Super Bowl XXXVI, the Boston Herald reported Saturday.

According to the report, an unnamed source close to the team during the 2001 season said that following the Patriots' walk-through at the Louisiana Superdome, a member of the team's video staff stayed behind and taped the Rams' walk-through -- a non-contact, no-pads practice at reduced speed in which a team goes through its plays.
Cheating is in the blood, apparently.

Update II: Video report from Michael Smith:

One word: Wow.

Alternate theory: Belichick is the unnamed source. He thinks his team isn't ready to play. He remembers earlier in the season when everyone was pissed off and was playing better. Evil genius at work again, or just cheaters?

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Friday, February 01, 2008

SuperBore Preview: Final Press Roundup

From the incomparable New York Post:
The Patriots are suffering from premature exhilaration. The arrogant New England team has already applied for trademarks on "19-0" and "19-0 The Perfect Season." Three days before they beat the San Diego Chargers, and more than two weeks before Super Bowl XLII, the team egotistically filed paperwork with the US Patent and Trademark Office to cash in on sales of T-shirts, caps, posters and all kinds of Pats paraphernalia.

How humble. In honor of the Patriots, we decided to trademark a few other slogans. "19-0: But We Cheat", "19-0: We put the Ass in Asterisk", and "19-0: What we would have been if the f***ing Giants hadn't beaten us." The clever New York Post already paid $375 to trademark the best one of all: "18-1".

18-1 T-Shirts: Click here to buy one! Royalties to the NY Post?

Gregg Doyel of CBS Sportsline wants both teams to lose:
Seriously. If ever there was a Super Bowl in dire need of a double defeat, it's this one. New England and New York. Boston and Manhattan. The two whiniest, most arrogant, least likeable cities in America. The bad news is that one of them will win the Super Bowl. The good news? One of them will lose.

I don't like the Patriots. Not much about them, anyway. They have an igneous rock for a coach who doesn't chortle but does cheat. After both playoff games this year an opposing player accused a different Patriot of playing dirty. Rodney Harrison is an NFL-convicted drug cheat. But I do like Tom Brady. He's inhuman, and I respect that.

As much as we like the upstart Giants, double defeat would be fine by us.

Headlines after the double loss (use this to make your own!)

Turns out that SpyGate might be still alive. Our new favorite Senator, Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, is asking why Goodell destroyed the tapes:
"I am very concerned about the underlying facts on the taping, the reasons for the judgment on the limited penalties and, most of all, on the inexplicable destruction of the tapes," said Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., in a Thursday letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

Specter, the top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said the matter could put the league's antitrust exemption at risk.

Arlen Specter, Hero

Why might have Goodell destroyed the tapes? Perhaps because he knew they would leak. And perhaps, when people saw them, they would be amazed by the extent of Belichick's cheating. Perhaps.

SI has their predictions for the game available. Most people picking in the way you would think. Unfortunately, one of the few guys picking the Giants is a writer named "Damon Hack." Somehow, we don't think this bodes well. Hack says:
Something about Tom Brady's ankle makes me nervous.

Is it the fact, Damon, that his ankle looks like this?

Brady's Ankles: They scare Hack, and the rest of us

Finally, Jim Trotter tells us about some curious traditions in the Patriot locker room.
Quarterback Tom Brady was having a tough afternoon. Through three quarters of the AFC Championship Game on Jan. 20, he had thrown more interceptions (three) than touchdowns (two) and the Patriots were struggling to separate themselves from the hobbled (but determined) Chargers. Needing a spark, New England did just what you would expect: It turned to a running back whose toughness and maturity were questioned late in the season when anonymous teammates left diapers in front of his locker (emphasis ours).

Picture of a Patriot Diaper. Warning to all others: Never search for Diapers on the internet. Trust us. Don't do it.

So some Patriots were sending our buddy Laurence Maroney a message. Maybe Tom had an extra diaper on him, and thought LM could use it. Unlike condoms: Tommy never carries extra condoms.

And don't worry, fellow Haters. Come Monday, we'll be back in pure adulation or utter dismay for the incomparable, incomprehensible, and otherwise inconceivable SuperBore Wrapup.

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SuperBore Prediction

Arizona (INEPT) - It has come down to this. One day. One game. The season of endless pain, finally at an end. Each week, a challenger has stepped up, and each week, the challenger has failed. Failed to make that one play, that crucial stop, that critical catch. Or, as in the case of Washington Redskins, those seven essential touchdowns and uncounted other plays that would have been required to win a game they lost 52-7.

Redskins: You stink

Sometimes, here at INEPT, we can sense a pending Patriot loss. Last year, with the heroic Colts at home in the Championship game, we predicted the outcome. And it happened. Can it happen again?

Colts defeat Patriots, 2007

Along the way this year, fate has seemed to conspire against us. Experienced teams and quarterbacks fell gently out of the playoffs (e.g., Favre and Manning losing), clearing the path for those Hated souls in blue and white. Where experience existed, injuries arrived, turning possible upsets into mind-numbing losses (e.g., the Chargers with Gates, Rivers, and LT hurt). What was the Gauntlet has turned into the perfect storm in the Patriots' favor.

The Perfect Storm: A Bad Movie

So we are down to Eminem time: we have one shot, one last opportunity to seize everything we ever wanted. Will the Giants capture it, or just let it slip? Eminem did it; can the Giants?

Giants: Seize your opportunity, or Brady's ankle

Do we believe in Karma? In the justness of the football Gods? If so, there may be no better way to set things right. In this year of cheating, what better way to punish those who do wrong by giving them nearly everything and then snatching it all away?

We had a dream the other night. Eli and the Giants on their own 20, with less than two to play. Score: 28-24, New England hanging on. A crossing route to Plax, a screen to Bradshaw, and they were moving.

Plax, then Bradshaw

A run up the middle by Jacobs, and a slant to Smith.

Jacobs, and Smith

An out to Plax; the Giants now in scoring range. Time ticking down. An incomplete pass, and another. A quick pass to Amani, short of the first. Fourth down, 10 ticks on the clock, one last play. One last shot.

10 seconds on the clock

The ball is snapped. Eli fades back. Patriot blitz, but the line holds. Eli lofts one to the corner, with Plax running under it. Samuel with good coverage. They leap ...

Plax leaps for the ball

In the dream, he catches it. In the dream, the final score: Giants 31, New England 28. In the dream, the season ends in the most fitting way possible. 18-1. Perfection: Denied. Cheaters: Didn't Prosper. Patriots: Victims of one the greatest upsets in Sports History. In the dream. Right now, that is all that it is. A dream. Come Sunday, we can only hope, it will become a reality.

Prediction: Giants 31, New England 28. Dreams do come true.

Dreams do come true. Ask Cinderella, MFers.

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