A Culture of Cheating

New York (INEPT) - So, for now, it ends. Commissioner Goodell, chief bumbler in this misnomer of an "investigation", summarizes with this statement:

"I don't know where else I would turn."

You don't? Well, gee, Roger, you must have tried hard. After all, you tried to brush this all under the rug until the Senate got involved. So please excuse us if we don't feel overly assured by your lack of creativity in getting to the bottom of what may go down as one of the worst coaching scandals in the history of sports.


Goodell: Not exactly Columbo.

Let us recap. Belichick, a rather resounding failure in Cleveland. Belichick, so smart (he thinks), that he should be a success in the league. He just knows it. How to get an edge? How to get past yet another mediocre season, yet another failed attempt at being the best? Then he read a famous book by Dr. Seuss (yes, we are speculating). From the Grinch:

"The he got an idea, an awful idea,
Belichick had a wonderful, awful idea."

Grinch: He also had an awful idea.

The answer was simple, and consistent with everything we now know about this boring, miserable, failure of a man. It is not about how you play. It is not about integrity, of the game, of the players, of the coaches. It is about one thing: winning at all costs.

Once you decide it is about winning and only winning, everything comes into clear focus. What do you do when you see a player suddenly bulk up? Easy; you look the other way. What do you do if you find out somebody is jamming signals of the opposing team? Easy; you look the other way. And what do you do if your coaching is good, but not great, not Superbowl-winning coaching? Easy. You cheat.


Belichick: You are just like Italian Soccer, Boring and a Cheat.

These are the guidelines to living in the Culture of Cheating that Belichick and friends have so carefully developed. Before we knew the truth, they were celebrated. But now, with facts in hand, History in all her glory will do what only History can: place these achievements in their proper light. A Tainted Dynasty. Winners, but not in the usual sense of the word. Liars. Cheaters.

The ironic result of the entire affair: there is now a large cloud cast over every single thing that the Patriots have done over the past years. Let us review:

• Patriots: A clutch team that wins close games. Think about how many tight games were won during the three Superbowl wins. Clutch, right? Maybe. But in light of cheating, we have a problem: if videotaping gives just a "slight" edge, a close win might have turned into a close loss. Just one blowout Superbowl victory might have done the trick here. But winning by 3, 3, and 7 doesn't quite lift the cloud.
• Coach Belichick: Hard to beat his team the second time around. What used to be the mythos that surrounded Belichick and his "genius" coaching was that he would figure you out, and the next time he played you, win (even convincingly). How does that look now? Would he be so great without the tapes? Ask the Giants. They played the Pats twice last year. I think the second time turned out OK.
• Patriots: A team full of "overachievers" that no one else thought was good enough or fast enough or young enough. Turns out they weren't good enough, fast enough, or young enough. What they were: pumped full of steroids or HGH or who knows what else. What they were: coached (through cheating) to be in the right place at the right time.

The sad thing: it does not seem that any of the cheaters actually learned a lesson. Belichick, famously: "I misinterpreted the rules." What do you mean, you can't do HGH? I thought you meant you can't get "HiGH", so we stopped smoking dope. What do you mean, you can't jam the other teams signals? I thought you meant no cornerback jamming beyond five yards. Another example of how little they learned: here is the Patriot team response to the Walsh investigation:

We hope that with Matt Walsh's disclosures, everyone will finally believe what we have been saying all along and emphatically stated on the day of the initial report: 'The suggestion that the New England Patriots recorded the St. Louis Rams' walk-through on the day before Super Bowl XXXVI in 2002 is absolutely false. Any suggestion to the contrary is untrue.'"

Wow. They completely deny taping the walk-through. Do you deny cheating for the entire time Belichick has been coach at New England? Not so much. Do you even deny getting some info from the walk-through? No. But you didn't tape it. Congratulations, jerks.

We are reminded of the ending of the Grinch tale, too. You see, Belichick should have read all the way to the end of the story. In it, the Grinch saw the error in his ways:

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch carved the roast beast!

Redemption is only found when a lesson is learned, when a mistake is admitted, when new paths are forged and old rotten habits left behind. This is not the path the Patriots have chosen. Rather, they choose denial, they choose misinterpretation, but we all know the result: their hearts are still two sizes too small. And no, Bill, you can't carve the Roast Beast.


No Roast Beast for Bill