Monday, January 31, 2005

10 Reasons Patriots Should Lose

Another choice article in the Philadelphia Daily News presents 10 fantastic reasons why the Hatriots will lose, and why we should hate them!

Some highlights:

3. New England is a region, not a city. Get yourself a city, then come back and play.
In fact I suggest the Hatriots move to Old England and play soccer instead.
5. Pretty boy Tom Brady, who said he wants to be a U.S. senator someday, allowed himself to be used as a tool of the Republican Party by sitting next to Laura Bush at last year's State of the Union address. At the time, he had never bothered to vote in an election. Super Bowl trophies are not for opportunistic hypocrites.
A U.S. Senator?! Hah! I wouldn't want him cleaning the toilets of our capital!
8. Their fans are smug dilettantes who never supported the team until it was a winner.
That's D-I-L-E-T-T-A-N-T-E.

Tom Brady: Putting On A Few Extra Pounds?

IHTNEP heard from inside sources that after he had the Steelers for lunch, Tom thought the season was over and began Tom Brady's Annual Post-playoff Eating Extravaganza.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Support IHTNEP: Buy A Haters Hat!

Hatriots: The New Yankees?

A choice article in the New York Times which may help some of those Hatriot fans out there understand the depth of our scorn for your beloved team.

Some memorable quotes:

WATCHING the Patriots dismantle the Steelers on Sunday night, Brian Cashman was struck by deja vu, by the notion that he had seen this all before. And he had, except the core names were Brosius, not Bruschi; Martinez, not McGinest; O'Neill, not Andruzzi.

Those Yankees had the composed button pressing of Torre. These Patriots have the calculating brainpower of Belichick. Continuing on this theme, we played a brief game of word association. I said, "Tom Brady." Cashman, without hesitation, said, "Derek Jeter."

New England fans and sworn Yankees haters may not want to hear this, but serious fraternization took place between the Patriots' and Yankees' hierarchies in Boston last summer, on a July night at Fenway Park. Football training camps had just opened. Belichick stopped by to meet Torre while his personnel maven, Scott Pioli, joined Cashman for a few innings.

These snippets hit the nail on the head for IHTNEP. We were especially pleased with the Brady-Jeter analogy; these two irk us in similar ways, with their heady "understanding of the game" and apparent ability to "deliver in the clutch". The irony of the Hatriots fans rooting for a Yankee-like team is also not lost on IHTNEP.

But there was one quote we couldn't quite agree with:

"Even if you're not a fan of the Patriots, it's a hard team to dislike, because of the way they go about their business," Cashman said.

Actually, Mr. Cashman, you're wrong - it's quite easy to dislike the Hatriots.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Join The Anniversary Celebration!

It's that time of year where we at IHTNEP get out our party hats and do a little celebrating. "Why?", you might ask, "Is it because today is the day Wayne Gretzky was born?". No, that's not it. "Didn't the Hatriots just win? Shouldn't you be bowing your heads in anger and muttering foul curse words like 'Belichick' and 'Bruschi'?" No, we shouldn't, because today, my friends, is January 26th, a day that shall live in infamy. You see, today is none other than the 8th Anniversary of the shellacking of the Hatriots in Super Bowl XXXI!

In this tightly-fought battle, we watched Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers triumph over the Drew Bleeds-so-much led Hatriots. The game turned on a 99-yard kickoff return for a touchdown by the wily special teamer, Desmond Howard - now there's a former U of M Wolverine we can all appreciate! And if you were wondering, yes, Bleeds-so-much has a special place in our Hall of Much-Hated Hatriots - if Drew-Blood could just take a hit, Mr. Brady Bunch wouldn't have had his opportunity to start, and who knows where we'd all be now?

Final score: Green Bay Packers 35, New England Hatriots 21. A day of glory, a day of hope. Will we see such halcyon days again?

Late-breaking Addendum: This day is even more special for Haters than we originally thought, for on this day 19 years ago we witnessed a 46-10 demolition of the Hatriots by the vaunted Chicago Bears and their impenetrable "46" defense. Refridgerator Perry, Jim McMahon, and yes, even the Super Bowl Shuffle. Here's a quote from the Shuffle lest we forget:
  • You're lookin' at the Fridge, I'm the rookie.
    I may be large, but I'm no dumb cookie.
    You've seen me hit, you've seen me run,
    When I kick and pass, we'll have more fun.
    I can dance, you will see.
    The others, they all learn from me.
    I don't come here lookin' for trouble,
    I just came here to do
    The Super Bowl Shuffle.

No celebration of this wondrous day can be complete without revisiting this crushing blow to the New England Hatriot spirit!

Monday, January 24, 2005

Disaster in Giftsburgh (continued)

It's cold and snowy outside. There's a spirit in the air. The gift of giving is on our minds. Does this mean that it's Christmas? No! It's that time of the year when some team gives away the AFC Championship to the New England Hatriots!

A brief review:
  • The 2001 AFC Championship: Pittsburgh generously hands out 3 fumbles, an interception, and even a punt return for a touchdown to the hapless Hatriots. The result: a 24-17 New England win that marks the beginning of our misery.
  • The 2003 AFC Championship: Peyton Manning catches the Christmas spirit, throwing a heart-warming 4 interceptions. We at IHTNEP later discover that Peyton is Ty Law's Secret Santa, personally gift-wrapping 3 of them for this thug of the defensive backfield.
  • The 2004 AFC Championship: The Giftsburgh Steelers are not to be outdone! 3 picks and a lost fumble get us once again in the gift-giving mood. Immediately afterwards, we phoned UNICEF and donated to the Ben Roethlisberger Missing Quarterback Search Fund.
So brace yourselves for the next few weeks, fellow Haters. The types of Hatriot Propaganda we'll be privy to:
  • Bill Belichick as "genius".
  • Tom Brady as the "most clutch QB in playoff history".
  • The term "Dynasty" used with reckless abandon to describe our beloved Hatriots.
So get out your Eagles hats! Maybe TO will be ready to play. Maybe McNabb will play the game of his life. And maybe, just maybe, the Eagles will give us something to squelch the vitriol that is coursing through our veins. We'll touch on all of these subjects and much more in the coming weeks in our incomparable, inimitable, much-maligned but oft-revered First Annual IHTNEP Super Bowl Preview.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Disaster in Giftsburgh

IHTNEP (I Hate The New England Patriots) lives on for two more bitter weeks. Tune in over the next few days for a recap of the Disaster in Giftsburgh.

Friday, January 21, 2005

How To Hate The Patriots Even Though You Like The Michigan Wolverines

I admit it - I am a fan of the Michigan Wolverines. I grew up in Ann Arbor, and for me, there is nothing like a football Saturday in the midwest.

The Patriots happen to have a few key players that were Wolverines back in College: Tom Brady and Ty Law. So you might think that I would be rooting for those two, my old U of M guys, to excel?

Well, you'd be wrong.

Let's start with Tom Brady. Check out this photo spread. If that's not enough to make you puke, you are of a sturdier constitution than I. Want more? Then please revisit Brady's participation in the famous "got milk?" series - positively retch-worthy. Don't forget to click here to order reprints!

And what about Ty Law? Well, after his mugging of the Indianapolis Colts last year, the NFL had to make the five-yard no contact rule a point of emphasis this year - something that many call the Ty Law rule. Why? Because football is more fun to watch if the forward pass is a part of the game.

So to all of you U of M fans, don't worry if you find yourself cheering for the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC championship game - you won't be alone.

Thursday, January 20, 2005


Welcome to the site for New England Patriot haters!