Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Welcome, Spurs: We Hate You Too

San Antonio (INEPT) - It's basketball season. But that does not mean you have to save your hate up for the NFL Draft or your money to buy a lousy T-shirt. No, my friends, you can focus the full force of your enmity on a kindred spirit to our beloved Hatriots: the NBA's very own San Antonio Spurs.

We hate you, Bruce Bowen

The parallels between the Hatriots and Spurs run deep:

Timmy Duncan's Future Pregnant Girlfriend?

We could go on. But instead, we stop. We ask you, dear Reader: who else should we hate in the offseason? (and please don't tell me the Yankees, we already know)

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Monday, May 07, 2007

Store News: Special T-shirt for New York Jets Fans

New York (INEPT) - In what has to be one of the most unanticipated announcements of the summer, INEPT brings fans of the New York Jets what they have long been clamoring for. Available through the I Hate The New England Patriots Store, INEPT proudly presents the Jets "I Hate Patriots" T-shirt:

Jets Fans Unite!

Enjoy the feeling of cool Jet green on your skin as you express your cold, icy outrage in bold white letters. Buy one now!

Coming soon: Dolphins and Bills Tees.

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Saturday, May 05, 2007

Tommy Puts a Cap On

Boston, MA (INEPT) - Overheard by our crack reporting team yesterday was a conversation about the birds and the bees between our beloved QB Tom Brady and his father, Tom Brady Sr:

Tom Sr: "Tom, when you do that, you've got to, ummm, put something on."
Tom Jr: "What do you mean, Dad?"
Tom Sr: "Well, if you don't want her to get pregnant, put something on."
Tom Jr: "I don't get you."
Tom Sr: "You know, when you do that thing that gets her pregnant, put something on it."
Tom Jr: "Like, on my head?"
Tom Sr: "Well, yes, I guess that is what you call it."
Tom Jr: "OK, I think I understand you, Dad. Thanks!"

Unfortunately, breaking news reveals that Tommy Jr. didn't quite comprehend his Dad's subtle message:

Tommy: Is this what you meant, Dad?

Later, Tommy donned an entire Yankee outfit while sleeping next to Giselle, hoping that the full regalia might prevent him from "making another no-no." "I think I've got this all figured out now!" Tom was heard screaming at one of his friends.

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Thursday, May 03, 2007

Why We Hate

Ann Arbor (INEPT) - The amount of confusion: high. The amount of misinformation: much. The facts: plain wrong. Many of you (particularly, fans of the Hatriots) somehow think this is a blog with a hidden agenda, where our Hatred of those clods in New England is some kind of cover, hiding our true appreciation of some other team.

Let us be clear, here, once and for all: we hate the New England Patriots. We don't hate them because of natural geographic preference for some other local team (indeed, staff members live on the east coast, west coast, and the midwest). We hate the New England Patriots. We find joy in seeing your Golden Team lose.

See if you can find which team we hate

We are not fans of the Packers, Vikings, Lions, or Bears. We are not fans of teams from Miami, New York, or Buffalo. We do not secretly yearn to see victory by creatures such as Eagles, Giants, Redskins, or Cowboys. We do not hope to finally see a Super Bowl victory by Carolina, New Orleans, Atlanta, or Tampa Bay. Seattle, St. Louis, San Francisco, Arizona? Don't care about 'em. Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Cleveland? Not even places we'd visit. Indianapolis, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Houston? When they play the Hatriots, we cheer them on; otherwise, don't care. San Diego, KC, Denver, Oakland? We barely even know where these places are.

All together now: We hate the New England Patriots. We Hate The New England Patriots. WE HATE THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS. It is as simple, perverse, and wonderful as that. Join us in our cause! Hate us if you like. But be confused no longer. We do not root for others to win. We simply hope, pray, and (often) scream for one team to lose.

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