Halfway Season Summary: Oh Shit

Boston (INEPT) - The season is half over. The Hatriots, in the worst of all possible nightmares, are undefeated. No game has been close. Tom 'Fraidy has 30 touchdown passes and is not spending too much time chasing supermodels. Randy Moss is keeping his pants on and not running over police officers. Belichoke is angry that everyone thinks he is a cheater (even though he clearly is) but somehow is using it to his advantage. We, as the staff here at INEPT, have only one thing to say: Oh Shit.


Oh Shit

People from around the league had similar responses:

• Eric Boygenius, head coach of the New York Letdowns: "Oh shit. Do we have to play them again? Man, that's going to be like 105-0. Crap."
• Randall Godfrey, linebacker of the Washington Not-good-enough-to-be-named-after-mighty-native-american-warriors-even-though-that-would-be-less-offensive-to-some-people: "I told Belichoke to show some respect. So he did, by throwing another 80-yard bomb for a touchdown. Oh man, who doesn't respect touchdowns?"
• Coach Bill Belichoke: "Up yours Roger F-ing Goodell."

However, there is hope on the horizon. The Hatriots' schedule tells us that Blitzburgh is coming to town in a few weeks. A visit to an actual football team from New York (i.e., not the Letdowns but the mighty Giants) in the last week of the season might present an opportunity for true anti-Hatriot happiness.

And, lest we forget, there is one other team we might pay attention to. That team has played under the radar this year, a little odd for a Super Bowl Champion. They too are undefeated. They are the mighty Indianapolis Colts. Last time we checked, they have a little bit of a winning streak against the Hatriots. This Sunday, we will see if they keep that winning streak alive. We will see if King Manning and his charges can end this season of non-defeat. We will see how the morality play of good versus evil pans out.

So Haters, one and all, for this upcoming weekend, put on your blue and white Hatred Tees and sing Blue Sunday loud and clear. Stick pins in your Hatriots dolls. Sit in your lucky chair. Do your part, and maybe the Colts will do theirs. And maybe, just maybe, this nightmare season of non-defeat will come to an end.


Buy A Hater's Tee Shirt!

I'm Back!

As a once promising musician once said, “In my dying days I may forget the people that I loved, but I will forever remember the people that I have hated.” This quote rings so true when it comes to my passionate hatred toward the New England Patriots and though I had taken a much needed hiatus from this glorious site I am here to announce that I am back and ready to start a new chapter of hate towards Bill, Bob, Brady, Bruschi and the rest of the Bastards associated with the New England Patriots.

-Spawn of Satan-

In these trying times for Hatriots I want to extend a ‘hand of hope’ that will help all of us weather the current storm and concentrate on our main goal of derailing the new ‘evil empire’. Please remember fellow Hatriots that the season is long and eight games mean nothing and anything less than a Super Bowl victory will be an enormous disappointment to the Pats and would forever taint their legacy. So keep up the good fight and remember that New England is forever scared by the ‘cheating’ label and anything they accomplished in the past or furthermore should be marked by an asterisk, because as we all know “once a cheater- always a cheater.”

Mailbag!

A "Colts Fan" writes:

As a lifelong Colts fan, I hate the Patriots as well. However, I know that if my team won 3 Super Bowls in 5 years, people would hate the Colts as much as people hate the Patriots. It's simply jealousy. I would have to agree with nearly every comment on here. This site is very much a waste of time and effort. It displays a great deal of senseless immaturity and does nothing but make you look like an idiot. If society would spend the same amount of time doing something constructive as it does on negativity and hate, the world would be a heck of a lot better place to live. I know this comment isn't going to stop you from continuing this site, but neither is this site going to change anything about the Patriots 3 Super Bowl rings, Bill Belichek's job, or Tom Brady's photos. Seriously, move on with your life, dude.

There is so much wrong with this email that it is challenging to begin. But, in the name of everything that is good and pure in the world, let us try.

As a lifelong Colts fan, I hate the Patriots as well.

This is a good beginning, because it is the only thing in this reader's note that is (a) coherent and (b) well thought out.

However, I know that if my team won 3 Super Bowls in 5 years, people would hate the Colts as much as people hate the Patriots. It's simply jealousy.

How many times have we had to say this? We must be unclear. We must be doing a poor job. We must gets our precious back ... oops, wrong monologue. We do not hate the Hatriots because we are jealous. Let me repeat: We do not hate because we are jealous. WE DO NOT HATE BECAUSE WE ARE JEALOUS. How little you must think of us, dear Reader. In case you did not notice, we do not hate other winning teams and franchises. Indeed, we recall fondly the Steel Curtain years of Pittsburgh lore, the Montana-led 49ers, even the powerful Cowboy teams of years past. These teams all demonstrated excellence and dominance; we applaud it. These teams even won the occasional Superbowl by more than 1 score. Even your Colts, bless their hearts, we cheer for, and indeed, hope for 3 Superbowls in 5 years, as that would imply fewer Superbowls for our beloved Hatriots. So no, my friend, jealousy isn't it. You've missed the mark.

I would have to agree with nearly every comment on here.

Not quite possible, as both Haters and Lovers alike seem to post here. See this thread for an excellent interchange.

This site is very much a waste of time and effort.

It doesn't take a lot of time. It doesn't take much effort. These things are clear to all who read this site. But when just one Hater out there finds us and achieves a certain sense of comradeship and salvation through our common cause, we cannot agree with your point -- it is certainly not a waste.

It displays a great deal of senseless immaturity and does nothing but make you look like an idiot.

We disagree -- the immaturity on display here is all quite sensible. Wrong again, potty brains!

If society would spend the same amount of time doing something constructive as it does on negativity and hate, the world would be a heck of a lot better place to live.

Ah! A cure for Society's Woes, right here in this blog! Can you believe such a precious gem could be unearthed in this little corner of the world?! And, with this innocuous comment suddenly causing Society to stop spending so much time on "negativity and hate", then our blog will have served its true mission: to make this world a "better place to live." Pay it forward, my friends. Pay it forward!

I know this comment isn't going to stop you from continuing this site, ...

Here you are wrong again. Your earnest and heartfelt entreaties have been heard! As of October 28th, 2007, this blog no longer exists. You have moved us beyond words and to action, dear Reader. You can now rest easy.

...but neither is this site going to change anything about the Patriots 3 Super Bowl rings, Bill Belichek's job, or Tom Brady's photos.

Oops, we are not done yet. You are wrong, though, dear Reader. Our mission is simple: to tarnish the lustre on those rings (though of course the Hatriots are doing more of that than we are these days, e.g., by cheating), to get Bill Belichoke fired (sign here!), and to alter photos of Tom Brady as often as possible (or just reprint particularly bad ones).

Seriously, move on with your life, dude.

Here, finally, we have a better idea. Why don't you move on with yours? We don't ask you to come here; we don't ask for your opinion. We are just here because there is a team that is ruining the National Football League. This team takes every shortcut it can, and makes winning ugly, and makes the game boring. And if the game is boring, there is no point to the game. That team is the New England Hatriots.

So if you want to go back to cheering for your Colts, go ahead; we don't ask you to come here and be a part of this. But do know this: one or two Sundays each year, as King Manning and his charges take the field to do battle with Belichoke, Tom 'Fraidy, and all those other frauds from the Northeast, there will be someone else cheering on the Colts with you. Not because we particularly like the Colts. No, dear Reader, the reason we cheer those days is because we hate the New England Patriots. We hate the New England Patriots! All together now: WE HATE THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!

Amen.

Brady Takes Over Kicking Duties

Boston (INEPT) - In one of his most daring coaching moves this season, Coach Bill Belichoke has decided to add place-kicking and punting duties to Tom Brady's already busy job as quarterback of the New England Hatriots.

When asked why, Belichoke simply said, "Have you seen him in those Stetson adds? Man, he looks hot. And he looks like he can kick, at least from the picture. Wow!"


Brady as Punter


Brady seemed puzzled by the move. "Well, I am getting a little bored. Maybe Coach is trying to keep us all on edge. Or maybe he's just lost it. He sure has been a little nutty since that whole video tape thing."

The crack staff at INEPT has also uncovered a number of other unusual personnel moves that Belichoke is apparently contemplating:

• Promoting Randy Moss to Head Cheerleader. This is based on his demonstrated excellence in the much maligned but critically important "moon dance".



Moss: Has all the right moves


• Adding Teddy Bruschi to the Medical Staff. Bruschi reportedly has been asking for this job, repeatedly, sometimes more than once in the same sentence.


• Hiring Kevin Costner to be in charge of video operations. Negotiations with Steven Spielberg have apparently stalled.

Belichoke is also considering some other tactics to keep his team focused, including smaller pre-game meals, playing without pads, and not cheating.

Here Comes T.O.

Irving, Texas (INEPT) - In a controversial move that will be debated for hours to come, none other than Terrell Owens has spiced up this week's Cowboy game with the New England Hatriots through an age-old tactic: writing secret little notes.

Dear Reporters,
Due to the magnitude of this week’s game and high volume of questions for the Original 81 about the other 81. I will be taking all questions immediately following Sunday’s game.
Sincerely, T.O.
p.s. Getcha Popcorn Ready.

You may remember T.O. from Superbore XXXIX, where he spent most of the game wiping Donovan McPuke's vomit off of his jersey.


T.O. Loves Popcorn

However, his new notemaker persona is not to be taken lightly. INEPT has uncovered three other notes that T.O. hid in the Cowboy locker room this week. This one was hanging from Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo's locker:

Dear T. Ro,
Don't suck like last week. Five picks!
Sincereley, T.O.
p.s. Getcha Popcorn Ready.

Some Cowboys were confused. "Getcha Popcorn Ready? Why does he keep saying that?," asked a bewildered Romo. "And no way is he going to start calling me T. Ro."


T. Ro. Confused by T.O.


Another note was found Coach Bum... er... Wade Phillips's personal bathroom:

Dear Coach,
Try not to get involved with playcalling this week.
With warm regards, T.O.
p.s. Getcha Popcorn Ready.

Wade Phillips's response leaned towards defensive. "I always have my popcorn ready, T.O. knows that! Damn fool."

A final note was uncovered late this morning in owner Jerry Jones's office:

Dear JJ,
I am assuming you are bringing the popcorn maker to the game. Don't forget!
Sincereley, T.O.

Jerry: Bringing the 'corn


Of course, all mockery will immediately turn into golden praise in the rare chance the Cowboys put an end to this miserable season of non-defeat. Perhaps, INEPT hopes, that in a few days we can all fill our lungs with the glorious air of Hatriot defeat and utter, once and for all: How 'bout them Cowboys!