Mailbag!

A "Colts Fan" writes:

As a lifelong Colts fan, I hate the Patriots as well. However, I know that if my team won 3 Super Bowls in 5 years, people would hate the Colts as much as people hate the Patriots. It's simply jealousy. I would have to agree with nearly every comment on here. This site is very much a waste of time and effort. It displays a great deal of senseless immaturity and does nothing but make you look like an idiot. If society would spend the same amount of time doing something constructive as it does on negativity and hate, the world would be a heck of a lot better place to live. I know this comment isn't going to stop you from continuing this site, but neither is this site going to change anything about the Patriots 3 Super Bowl rings, Bill Belichek's job, or Tom Brady's photos. Seriously, move on with your life, dude.

There is so much wrong with this email that it is challenging to begin. But, in the name of everything that is good and pure in the world, let us try.

As a lifelong Colts fan, I hate the Patriots as well.

This is a good beginning, because it is the only thing in this reader's note that is (a) coherent and (b) well thought out.

However, I know that if my team won 3 Super Bowls in 5 years, people would hate the Colts as much as people hate the Patriots. It's simply jealousy.

How many times have we had to say this? We must be unclear. We must be doing a poor job. We must gets our precious back ... oops, wrong monologue. We do not hate the Hatriots because we are jealous. Let me repeat: We do not hate because we are jealous. WE DO NOT HATE BECAUSE WE ARE JEALOUS. How little you must think of us, dear Reader. In case you did not notice, we do not hate other winning teams and franchises. Indeed, we recall fondly the Steel Curtain years of Pittsburgh lore, the Montana-led 49ers, even the powerful Cowboy teams of years past. These teams all demonstrated excellence and dominance; we applaud it. These teams even won the occasional Superbowl by more than 1 score. Even your Colts, bless their hearts, we cheer for, and indeed, hope for 3 Superbowls in 5 years, as that would imply fewer Superbowls for our beloved Hatriots. So no, my friend, jealousy isn't it. You've missed the mark.

I would have to agree with nearly every comment on here.

Not quite possible, as both Haters and Lovers alike seem to post here. See this thread for an excellent interchange.

This site is very much a waste of time and effort.

It doesn't take a lot of time. It doesn't take much effort. These things are clear to all who read this site. But when just one Hater out there finds us and achieves a certain sense of comradeship and salvation through our common cause, we cannot agree with your point -- it is certainly not a waste.

It displays a great deal of senseless immaturity and does nothing but make you look like an idiot.

We disagree -- the immaturity on display here is all quite sensible. Wrong again, potty brains!

If society would spend the same amount of time doing something constructive as it does on negativity and hate, the world would be a heck of a lot better place to live.

Ah! A cure for Society's Woes, right here in this blog! Can you believe such a precious gem could be unearthed in this little corner of the world?! And, with this innocuous comment suddenly causing Society to stop spending so much time on "negativity and hate", then our blog will have served its true mission: to make this world a "better place to live." Pay it forward, my friends. Pay it forward!

I know this comment isn't going to stop you from continuing this site, ...

Here you are wrong again. Your earnest and heartfelt entreaties have been heard! As of October 28th, 2007, this blog no longer exists. You have moved us beyond words and to action, dear Reader. You can now rest easy.

...but neither is this site going to change anything about the Patriots 3 Super Bowl rings, Bill Belichek's job, or Tom Brady's photos.

Oops, we are not done yet. You are wrong, though, dear Reader. Our mission is simple: to tarnish the lustre on those rings (though of course the Hatriots are doing more of that than we are these days, e.g., by cheating), to get Bill Belichoke fired (sign here!), and to alter photos of Tom Brady as often as possible (or just reprint particularly bad ones).

Seriously, move on with your life, dude.

Here, finally, we have a better idea. Why don't you move on with yours? We don't ask you to come here; we don't ask for your opinion. We are just here because there is a team that is ruining the National Football League. This team takes every shortcut it can, and makes winning ugly, and makes the game boring. And if the game is boring, there is no point to the game. That team is the New England Hatriots.

So if you want to go back to cheering for your Colts, go ahead; we don't ask you to come here and be a part of this. But do know this: one or two Sundays each year, as King Manning and his charges take the field to do battle with Belichoke, Tom 'Fraidy, and all those other frauds from the Northeast, there will be someone else cheering on the Colts with you. Not because we particularly like the Colts. No, dear Reader, the reason we cheer those days is because we hate the New England Patriots. We hate the New England Patriots! All together now: WE HATE THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!

Amen.