Hoping for 16-0

Midwest (INEPT) - Here we are, on the brink of Hatred Disaster. Though the hapless Letdowns actually put up a fight, the outcome was the same. The season of Undefeat continues.


Letdown Again

And yet, here at INEPT, we encourage you, for the next two weeks, to swallow your bile and actually, yes, cheer on the Hatriots. While a bit counter to the usual message from this site, you, dear Reader, as a true and dedicated Hater, must root for those whiners from the Northeast. We, as true Haters, want 16-0. We, as true Haters, need 16-0.


Surprise!

Of course, as your mouth hangs open in slack-jawed surprise, be wondering: Why? The reasons are actually quite simple:

• Immense Pressure. Going 16-0 will place an inordinate amount of pressure on the Hatriots. Just imagine the thoughts that will run through their minds in the 4th quarter of a close playoff game: "Oh my gosh, we can't lose. We just can't! The whole season will be ruined." Also, the might be thinking about eating a tasty sausage pizza.
• Media Frenzy. The media will also pile on, asking them numerous mind-bendingly dull and stupid questions about going undefeated. This will force the Hatriots to spend time coming up with even more stupid answers. An example: last week's sausage pizza quote from Rodney HGHarrison.
• An Historical Failure. When the Hatriots role into the playoffs at 16-0, the pending playoff loss will be talked about for a long time, and the Hatriots will be remembered as (1) a team that got caught cheating and (2) an incredible failure to deliver on what could have been perfection. Anytime a team goes N and 0 (N>8), the first thing the media will bring up is the Hatriots and how they almost were perfect but failed. They may also bring up Sausage Pizza.

We know we are asking for a lot. We know how much you hate. But if you were weak, you wouldn't be here. No, only the strong can Hate, for so long, and with such singularity of focus. So Haters, one and all, unite for these two short weeks. Cheer on those that we normally Hate. With a little luck (or, more likely, some Colt or Jaguar skill), this miserable season will come to a wondrous close, with deplorable Undefeat transforming into glorious One-defeat.

BTW: What is up with Belichoke's Awesome game comment to Mangini? Once again, old Bill sounds like an asshole. But we suppose we should only write about things that surprise us.

Halfway Season Summary: Oh Shit

Boston (INEPT) - The season is half over. The Hatriots, in the worst of all possible nightmares, are undefeated. No game has been close. Tom 'Fraidy has 30 touchdown passes and is not spending too much time chasing supermodels. Randy Moss is keeping his pants on and not running over police officers. Belichoke is angry that everyone thinks he is a cheater (even though he clearly is) but somehow is using it to his advantage. We, as the staff here at INEPT, have only one thing to say: Oh Shit.


Oh Shit

People from around the league had similar responses:

• Eric Boygenius, head coach of the New York Letdowns: "Oh shit. Do we have to play them again? Man, that's going to be like 105-0. Crap."
• Randall Godfrey, linebacker of the Washington Not-good-enough-to-be-named-after-mighty-native-american-warriors-even-though-that-would-be-less-offensive-to-some-people: "I told Belichoke to show some respect. So he did, by throwing another 80-yard bomb for a touchdown. Oh man, who doesn't respect touchdowns?"
• Coach Bill Belichoke: "Up yours Roger F-ing Goodell."

However, there is hope on the horizon. The Hatriots' schedule tells us that Blitzburgh is coming to town in a few weeks. A visit to an actual football team from New York (i.e., not the Letdowns but the mighty Giants) in the last week of the season might present an opportunity for true anti-Hatriot happiness.

And, lest we forget, there is one other team we might pay attention to. That team has played under the radar this year, a little odd for a Super Bowl Champion. They too are undefeated. They are the mighty Indianapolis Colts. Last time we checked, they have a little bit of a winning streak against the Hatriots. This Sunday, we will see if they keep that winning streak alive. We will see if King Manning and his charges can end this season of non-defeat. We will see how the morality play of good versus evil pans out.

So Haters, one and all, for this upcoming weekend, put on your blue and white Hatred Tees and sing Blue Sunday loud and clear. Stick pins in your Hatriots dolls. Sit in your lucky chair. Do your part, and maybe the Colts will do theirs. And maybe, just maybe, this nightmare season of non-defeat will come to an end.


Buy A Hater's Tee Shirt!

Brady Takes Over Kicking Duties

Boston (INEPT) - In one of his most daring coaching moves this season, Coach Bill Belichoke has decided to add place-kicking and punting duties to Tom Brady's already busy job as quarterback of the New England Hatriots.

When asked why, Belichoke simply said, "Have you seen him in those Stetson adds? Man, he looks hot. And he looks like he can kick, at least from the picture. Wow!"


Brady as Punter


Brady seemed puzzled by the move. "Well, I am getting a little bored. Maybe Coach is trying to keep us all on edge. Or maybe he's just lost it. He sure has been a little nutty since that whole video tape thing."

The crack staff at INEPT has also uncovered a number of other unusual personnel moves that Belichoke is apparently contemplating:

• Promoting Randy Moss to Head Cheerleader. This is based on his demonstrated excellence in the much maligned but critically important "moon dance".



Moss: Has all the right moves


• Adding Teddy Bruschi to the Medical Staff. Bruschi reportedly has been asking for this job, repeatedly, sometimes more than once in the same sentence.


• Hiring Kevin Costner to be in charge of video operations. Negotiations with Steven Spielberg have apparently stalled.

Belichoke is also considering some other tactics to keep his team focused, including smaller pre-game meals, playing without pads, and not cheating.

Welcome Back, Rodney

Boston (INEPT) - INEPT would like to wish a warm welcome back to Rodney Harrison, the Hatriots cheater most glad about the Belicheat scandal. "I sure am glad about Coach's cheating; without him, there might have been more focus on my steroid abuse problems," a relieved Harrison told reporters while flexing his huge deltoids.


Rodney's Strength Coach

When asked about the potential harms of steroids, Harrison was quick to assure reporters of his virility. "Look, my wife is still happy, ok guys? I mean, pretty happy. Not ecstatic. Some things are smaller, it's true, but she said that's fine with her," Harrison said as a tear rolled down his face.


Rodney is sad about his testes

Rodney was quick to point out the he is quite manly on the field, if not off of it. "We'll see who is laughing come Sunday," Harrison proclaimed. "I am going to be wearing a new uniform though, as part of the league's new steroid abuse penalty."


Rodney's new Tutu

INEPT wishes Mr. Harrison good luck in his return. Keep up the 'roid rage, Rodney!

Addendum: INEPT notes that Rodney was caught taking HGH, not Steroids. However, despite the lack of evidence (besides musculature, anger-management problems, etc.), INEPT firmly believes that Rodney has been on the 'Roid train at some point in his career. Proof will likely come out in a tell-all book published in 2023.

Spielberg Signed For Next Video Series

New England (INEPT) - In a move intended to "raise the level of secret-stealing videos", coach Bill Belichoke hired three-time Academy Award winner Steven Spielberg to film the Hatriot's next three opponents.


Spielberg joins the Dark Side

"We're really excited about this opportunity," said Spielberg. "It gives a chance here at Dreamworks to do something successful that isn't named Shrek." When asked for his latest thoughts on that lovable ogre, Spielberg said "What? Belichoke isn't that bad. Sure, he might not shower or change his clothers that often, but really guys, calling him an ogre?"


Shrek, Belichoke: Who is Uglier?

When asked for the rationale behind the move, an unusually talkative Belichoke stated that "bringing in top-notch people is important behind anything you do. We realized that some of our previous efforts in cheating, err, video production were less than stellar. So we went for the best: Spielberg. And we got him."

Reaction from other teams was swift. "Damn Hatriots, first Moss, now Spielberg. Who will they bring on next?" said a bewildered Eric Boygenius, beleagured head coach of the New York Letdowns. "I'm not sure who we can get. Maybe that fat guy who does documentaries?


Sorry, Jets, I'm Working in College Football


Related Links:

• New England Stealers
• Cam Scam
• Belichoke a Coward