The Moss Distortion Factor

The Moss Distortion Factor (MDF). As defined by Webster's dictionary, year 2054:

The ability to hide many fundamental flaws with a single and unusually outstanding component. Derives from a participant in what was once referred to as the National Football League. This participant, the eponymous Randy Moss, possessed a unique blend of speed and size allowed the same to repeatedly run behind double coverage and catch long touchdown passes. While successful in the short run, teams that grew to rely on Moss were eventually unmasked as overly reliant on said play and thus ultimately defeated (see Minnesota Vikings [1998] and New England Hatriots [2007]). Over time, the Moss Distortion Factor (MDF) became a more general term and thus found its use in modern language.

There is one thing written on the chalkboard. It is repeated often. It is stressed all week during practice. It is mentioned more than once during pregame. It is screamed, often a moment too late, during the game itself. It is "Do Not Let Moss Get Behind You." This most recent effort, against the surprisingly game New York Giants, showed how easy it is to forget these wise words.


Hi, I'm Randy Moss. Please don't cover me on deep routes.

But we are not concerned. The playoffs bring you a different beast. Teams do not make the same kinds of mistakes. Tapes will be scrutinized. Screams will be screamed. And some smart young whippersnapper of an assistant coach will figure out: "Hey, if I stop Randy Moss, we might just beat that team. They rely way too heavily on being able to just chuck it down there and have him catch it. They did it against the Colts. They did it against the Giants (who even covered him with a linebacker!). They won't do it against us, though."


Hi, I'm a linebacker for the Giants. Why am I covering Randy Moss?

And thus, the Moss Distortion Factor (MDF). Right now, Hatriots fans are rejoicing. "A perfect season!" they all shout in beer-infused harmony. No worries, my fellow Haters. Sit back, relax, watch that first playoff week go by. And then get ready. The Jaguars are studying the film. So are the Colts, and the Steelers. They will go into the Northeast with one thing on their mind. When the clock ticks down to zero, and what was perfect becomes historically imperfect, a new term will be born. The Moss Distortion Factor. And this season of undefeat will instantly, irrevertibly morph into one of the most glorious years of football in the modern era.

Coming soon: New Hater T-shirts! (playoff editions)

Brady Takes Over Kicking Duties

Boston (INEPT) - In one of his most daring coaching moves this season, Coach Bill Belichoke has decided to add place-kicking and punting duties to Tom Brady's already busy job as quarterback of the New England Hatriots.

When asked why, Belichoke simply said, "Have you seen him in those Stetson adds? Man, he looks hot. And he looks like he can kick, at least from the picture. Wow!"


Brady as Punter


Brady seemed puzzled by the move. "Well, I am getting a little bored. Maybe Coach is trying to keep us all on edge. Or maybe he's just lost it. He sure has been a little nutty since that whole video tape thing."

The crack staff at INEPT has also uncovered a number of other unusual personnel moves that Belichoke is apparently contemplating:

• Promoting Randy Moss to Head Cheerleader. This is based on his demonstrated excellence in the much maligned but critically important "moon dance".



Moss: Has all the right moves


• Adding Teddy Bruschi to the Medical Staff. Bruschi reportedly has been asking for this job, repeatedly, sometimes more than once in the same sentence.


• Hiring Kevin Costner to be in charge of video operations. Negotiations with Steven Spielberg have apparently stalled.

Belichoke is also considering some other tactics to keep his team focused, including smaller pre-game meals, playing without pads, and not cheating.