Mailbag

Wisconsin (INEPT) - We are fortunate to receive a number of emails about our work, and thank all Readers who take the time and energy to send us their words of wisdom and encouragement. One reader writes:

i hope you fucking die.
- Jose Reyes (josereyes0@gmail.com)

Thank you, Jose, for your kind words. Basically, what he is saying is "I hope you are human like the rest of us. Because, you see, humans all die. Thus, by saying I hope you die, I am really saying I hope you are human too. That you have compassion for our team, despite your enmity." No worries, there, Jose. Despite the superhuman blog we have put together here, we are indeed human.


No worries, Jose: We are not superhuman

Someone on our staff points out to me that Jose may have had another meaning: that he actually wishes us ill-will. Though I have trouble believing that (Jose seems like a much nicer gent than that), let us assume it is a possibility. If so, I wish to post a correction. What you should have said, dear Jose, is "I hope you fucking die soon" or perhaps "I hope you fucking die painfully." You see, we all die. Death is a part of the game we all play. So if you want to say something more interesting to someone about their death, it needs to include (a) some indication that you wish for the death to happen in a timely manner or (b) some description of the manner of their death, or, better yet, both (e.g., "soon and painfully"). Since this letter included neither, I will assume that Jose meant no harm. Thanks again for the note, buddy!

Another reader writes:

We have an anti Pat's t-shirt that your readers might like. Tell them to put "hater" in the promo section, at check out, and we will send you $2 for every shirt sold. Mention it in your blog and the traffic could be great. We have a similar deal with Cubs Suck Club and we have sold many of our Cubs t-shirts. Check out our site www.notredone.com.

We like that others are also selling Hater T-shirts! It is becoming quite a business. That said, we don't like giving out free advertising (too often).


Other T-Shirts: Buy Ours Instead, or Both

We also receive the occasional interview request. Here is one set of questions we received from "t.k.":

1 - Why is the Main Stream Media obsessed with the Patriots?
2 - Do you buy Tom Bradys foot injury?
3 - One thing we should know about I hate the New England Patriots blog?
4 - Your favorite team?
5 - Do the Giants have a shot in Super Bowl 42?
6 - Your Super Bowl 42 prediction?

Our answers can be found here. Except for #6, that is. We will put up our prediction on Friday. You might have a guess as to whom we will be picking to win the SuperBore. Hint: it starts with G, and rhymes with Clients. But, it is spelled differently. Come on, you can figure this one out!


Hint: We Will Be Picking This Team To Win

Belichick Finally Finds Love

Boston (INEPT) - It's finally happened. After years of frustration, failed relationships, and an otherwise unsatisfying personal life, Bill Belichick is in love. With none other than Tom Brady. From the press conference (archives available at the amazingly obsessive website all things bill belichick)

Question: Can you talk about what your relationship is like with Tom Brady and how instrumental has that been to the team's success?
Belichick: Well, I'm glad Tom's our quarterback. I love Tom. He's a great player and he's been a great leader for us. Did I tell you that I love him? He does so many things for our football team on and off the field and he's been a tremendous competitor, tremendous player. So privileged to be able to coach him, to love him, and have him on our team, and we meet on a regular basis, a couple times a week and I really I mean, I enjoy coaching him, enjoy loving him. He's a terrific player, especially to love.

Seriously, whether legal or not (depends on your state), man-love is fine by us. But we wonder: does Brady return the love? Looks like no is my guess.


Brady Has Eyes For Another

Perhaps this will cause a rift in the lockerroom?

Random: Seymour is a dirty player. Surprise! San Diego center Nick Hardwick:

"There are 10 [expletive] good players on that team, but Richard Seymour is a dirty, cheap, little pompous [expletive]," Hardwick told reporters after the game. "They've got 10 great players on that team and when Jarvis Green comes on the field, they've got 11 great players who compete how you're supposed to play.

"But Richard Seymour is the biggest [expletive] I've ever played."

For those of you in the guessing game, we are thinking the expletives are: fucking, shit, and asshole or shithead, in that order. Thus, the first sentence is a pretty nice compliment for the 10 other Patriots. Congratulations!


Richard Seymour is a big expletive.

Main Stream Media: Still Sucks

Arizona (INEPT) - The media is at it again. Because there is nothing worthwhile to report (apparently) about the pending SuperBore, those poor writers of the Main Stream Media hope and beg for some player to say something that sounds somewhat insulting to some other players. This quote is what they got out of monster wide receiver Plaxico Burress:

"We have guys that can go out and do things just as well or maybe better than some of those guys," he said last week.

Wow, you have guys that can do things just as well or maybe better than some of those guys? (emphasis ours) Well, that is basically true by default. It is true, for example, if Plaxico Burress does something as well as the worst wide receiver on the Patriots. A harmless little statement, basically saying: "we have some pretty good players too." No big deal, unless you are the MSM. Then, you make stuff up, and put it in the headlines. Some examples:

• Pats don't bite on Ex-Spartan star Burress' boast. From the Detroit Free Press. Nice work, Detroit. Maybe focus on criticizing the Lions, instead of making misleading headlines about a guy from MSU. Who are the Lions, you ask? They are a football team, kind of. Well, maybe one day.


• Patriots respond to Plaxico Burress' boast, don't take Giant bait. From Hank Gola, of the New York Daily News. Gee, Hank, maybe you should try to help your guys win, instead of giving the opposition more motivation. Of course, later in the article, Hank admits, "Burress' comments don't necessarily qualify as trash talk, because he's right in one respect. There are certain things the Giants receivers do better, like beating the bump-and-run physicality the Packers threw at them." Too little, too late, Hank. Damage done. But nice use of the phrase "bump-and-run". That shows you have a high football IQ.


• Burress: Giants WRs better. That is what the link to the same silly AP story says on ESPN's site. Well done, ESPN, you bastion of high-quality reporting. Maybe you should ask Kirk Herbstreit what his inside sources are saying. What's that? He thinks Les Miles is going to Michigan?! Wow!


• Giants' Burress Says Giants As Good As Pats. This generically poor headline was put forth by the crack staff at WLBZ in Bangor, Maine. Please, Bangor, stick to what you do best. Like the American Folk Festival, and lobster. Mmmmm, buttery lobster.

So the MSM keeps stirring the pot, while basically nothing interesting is being said. The only good news: there is only one week left.

Press Roundup

Arizona (INEPT) - The week before SuperBore is slow. It is boring. But the press keeps writing. We survey. Another incomparable service, brought to you by the crack staff here at INEPT.

Klosterman Immortality: Nice piece by Patriot Lover Chuck Klosterman over at ESPN. Basically, the Patriots would be more memorable if they lost. To wit:

If the Patriots win, they will just become this thing that scorched the earth for five months before capturing a trophy that was never in doubt. Future historians will describe this New England team as if it were a machine. Everyone will concede the Pats' superlative greatness, but the 19 wins will be just a collection of numbers. But if they lose -- especially if they lose late -- the New England Patriots will be the most memorable collection of individuals in the history of pro football. They will prove that nothing in this world is guaranteed, that past returns do not guarantee future results, that failure is what ultimately defines us and that Gisele will probably date a bunch of other dudes in her life, because man is eternally fallible.

Thus, for the first time, we hope that the Patriots do indeed become immortal, in the Klosterman sense.

Bootgate continues: The stories about Tom Brady's feet continue. Is he hurt? Is he practicing? Is he hanging out with Tony Romo in Mexico?


Brady: Off Camera, Left. Three Chicks asking him, "Do you play QB like Romo?"

From this article:

When drills began and receivers ran pass routes, it was backup Matt Cassel throwing to Randy Moss and No. 3 quarterback Matt Gutierrez passing the ball to Wes Welker.

Just the thought of Matt Cassel/Gutierrez playing in the game makes us smile.

Big Brother: Peyton chimes in on his brother. Basically, he thinks Eli will be in multiple SuperBores, and that they taught their dad how to text message. Maybe Dad should have taught him how not to choke in a playoff game -- oh yeah, he never played in one. Oddly, no mention of the DSRL:


DSRL, DSRL, I can't get your damn song out of my head


Dr. Z: Genius: Dr. Z is picking the Giants. And not just to win the DSRL. No, the SuperBore too. A choice quote:

I have a chance to settle an old score, right an old wrong, find peace in my old age and apologize, in sideways fashion, to those whom I wronged so many years ago.

The way to do all this is to pick the Giants to upset New England, and that's what I'm doing. Giants to upset the New England Patriots, currently favored by 12½, in the great stormfest known as Super Bowl XLII.

In 1968 I was the beat man, covering the Jets for the New York Post. I was around the team every day. I flew down with them to Miami for Super Bowl III and I stayed in their hotel, the Galt Ocean Mile in Fort Lauderdale. The Colts opened as 17-point favorites. By game time, the rush of Baltimore money had pushed the price up to 19½, one of the biggest line moves in Super Bowl history. They were calling the Colts The Greatest Team Ever, or at least the greatest on the defensive side of the ball. Their owner, Carroll Rosenbloom, thunderously echoed that sentiment.

I had a feeling about the Jets, not a strong one, but Joe Namath working against that strong side rotating zone? Gee, he'd never had trouble with it before. Could it be that ... ? Do I have the courage to ... ? Nah, I'll pick the Colts to win, but by under the spread. That'll make everyone happy. So I did and it made no one happy, least of all me when the Jets scored the biggest upset in Supe history. Who was happy? Leonard Shecter of the Post. He picked the Jets. I kicked myself for the coward I was. No longer. Today, I am a man.

Yes, Dr. Z, you are a man. At least in this blog's eyes you are.


Dr. Z: Genius


Draft update: The first of the draft boards are up at SI. Who do they have the Patriots taking with their number seven pick? Mike Jenkins, a cornerback from South Florida to replace the soon departed Asanta Samuel. Sounds good to us; we doubt whether that will even improve the team. What are the odds of a rookie being better than Samuel? And why didn't you take that draft pick away too, Roger "Destroyer of Evidence" Goodell? Wimp.


Goodell, Nixon. Both Crooks.

Truth is Stranger than Fiction: Moynahan Masks

New York (INEPT) - Who said New Yorkers weren't innovative? Brought to you by the wacky radio folks over at Q 104.3 (click here to send Jim and Shelli a message!), a mask to cut out and wear to the SuperBore:


Moynahan Mask: Creepy

Cut one out, put it on, and get old Tommy thinking about all the wrong things during the famous game. Like child care, running out of cash at the condom store, and those empty unloving Bridget eyes.

Bootgate

Arizone (INEPT) - SuperBore previewing begins with a bang, or perhaps, the sweet snap of metatarsals, as none other than Tom Brady was seen limping around New York. Looking for some Giants to befriend? No, dear Reader. Tommy is just looking for some Giselle-love after taking a beating from the field-goal-kicking, not-touchdown-scoring Bolts.


Brady: Limping with the Gis

Our crack staff here at INEPT has scoured its sources and uncovered numerous photos of Tom's feet. Brady is on record saying "I'll be ready for the Superbowl; I'm not worried about that". See the photos, and judge for yourself:






Pictures of Brady's Feet

We don't know about you, but something looks wrong to our untrained eyes. Any Haters who also happen to have medical expertise, please feel free to chime in.

Two Weeks of Torture: It Begins

Arizona (INEPT) - Well, we couldn't imagine a worse way to end this football season. Our hating hopes were high when the season started, but each game has sapped our strength, weakened our will. And now, we must suffer two more weeks of pain, fourteen days of news chatter about the supposed greatest team of all time.


The Actual Greatest Of All Time

Regrets, we've had a few. If only the Bolts had been healthy. If only Peyton could have had the game his little brother had. If only Dwayne F-ing Northcut could catch a pass when it counts. If only the Patriots played in a division with actual opponents. If only the Ravens game had gone the way it should have gone. The list goes on. But at each turn, agony. Each opportunity, missed. A tragic season, nearly completed.


A Greek Tragedy Mask: We're Wearing One

While we have been working hard, NFL teams have been working harder, putting our plans into action. Two weeks ago, we predicted teams would stop Randy Moss - and they have. The result? A shorter game, with fewer chances for Patriot touchdowns. We asked the Bolts for QB pressure - and they delivered. The result? Three picks for Brady. But it hasn't quite been enough. A mountain, almost climbed. Close, but no cigar.


A Cigar: We Want One

So now it is down to this. A few weeks back, we asked for experienced QBs to step up in the playoffs and beat the Patriots. Instead, we have gotten Garrard, hurt Rivers, and now Manning Jr. But in life, you play the hand that is dealt. For two weeks, we will be Giants fans. We will wear Royal Giant blue, we will sing New York, New York. We will start spreading the news, and the news has only one headline:


Stop The Presses

We look to the history of sports for hope, and we find it. There was a time not too long ago, when two teams from these same towns met to make playoff history. One team: Hated by all, the unquestioned favorite, with an insurmountable lead. The other, the underdog, that kept fighting until the end. And we all remember what happened then:


Believe it: Patriots = Yankees, Giants = Red Sox

Yes, History happened. The Underdog won. Can the underdog win again? We have two unbearable weeks of waiting left, and then we will find out. Let the Superbore Previews begin!

San Diego: Keys to Victory

Boston (INEPT) - It doesn't look good. The Chargers limp into this game (LT, Rivers, Gates) while somehow the injury bug continues to avoid the Patriots in these most desperate times. Life isn't fair. If it were fair, Brady would have lost a finger or two and Belicheat his head:


Life isn't fair: Belicheat still has head

But this is no time for complaining. Rather, it is time to strategize. Thus, we bring you the San Diego Keys to Victory, brought to you by The I Hate The Patriots T-shirt Shop. (Yes, we are sponsoring ourselves.)

• Key #1: Rivers' Trash Talk. This dude is unbelievable. First, he trashes Jay Cutler. Then, he trashes some drunk fan in Indianapolis. Record in those games: 2-0. Who's next on his hit list? Inside information tells us that it is none other than Head Coach Bill Belicheat. Once Rivers gets inside his head, who knows what might happen.



Rivers: Dude can talk some smack


• Key #2: LT's Knee. If there is one body part (other than Belicheat's head) that is critical to this game, it is LT's knee. Yes, Mr. Well-paid Backup did great last week. But LT is LT. If you want to spell "BoLTs Win" this week, you need LT.



These are not LT's knees


• Key #3: Evolved Strategy. We brought you a blueprint. We laid out how Moss could and would be stopped. And it nearly worked. Moss was shutout. The problem: No QB Pressure. As Jacksonville safety Reggie Nelson said, "It was a dump-down game. Anybody can go 26-of-28 in a dump-down game." Without pressure, Brady will throw 4 yards to Wes "Duck, A Defender is Coming" Welker on nearly every play. But no worries here, Haters. Pressure is coming. It is coming.



Pressure: Coming at you, Brady (Courtesy of Bolt Talk)

So those are the keys. Trash, Knees, and Pressure. Can the Bolts defy the odds and go into the cold Northeast and steal a win? Our hopes are not high. The odds are against us. But this Sunday, dear Haters, we will be tuned in. And when Rivers runs across the field before kickoff to jaw at old Coach B, we will smile, knowing our plans are being put into action.

Moss Update: Yes, everyone is talking about Moss and the allegations of battery. Unfortunately, we don't think this is a big deal, and will likely only serve to motivate Moss to have a good game. Thanks a lot, Rachelle Washington. Only later will it be revealed this was part of some Belicheat master plan to get his team focused. Ugh.

San Diego T-Shirt: Now Available

San Diego (INEPT) - Now available for your immediate and repeated consumption: the San Diego Haters Tee. Available in beautiful San Diego colors, or something kind of like them:


Amazing San Diego T

Yours for just $15! Seriously, how can we make money with prices so low? We must be insane!



Still coming: San Diego preview. Also known as: Praying for a Miracle.

lolcats

Even some cats know the score:

Haters Song

Los Angeles (INEPT) - In case you hadn't heard it yet, check out the Patriot Haters song, thanks to Mario Ruiz from 710 ESPN radio. The song made a national debut of sorts on the Herd. We present it here in case you missed it. The lyrics:

new englands undefeated team
and the coach he's a jerk
got the whole country hatin' on him

got randy moss
next thing you know
they just throw throw throw throw throw throw throw

them super bowl rings
and your trophies from your past
should turn around and give them all right back

we know you cheat
bill belicheat
you're so low low low low low low low

i haven't seen nothing like this before
first NFL team 16 and 0
and if they win the superbowl
this team (something) will be eating crow

one rings come on
two rings come on
three rings come on
now that's three rings
what you think, you the man brady?
gotta a runway model giselle as your lady?

that's why your team is so hated
the girls that you dated
and steroid related
it's always debated
cause when you competed
you went undefeated
but since that you cheated

your fans are annoying
patriots, red sox annoying
celtics your fans are annoying
hope that you're really enjoying

(repeat from beginning until "low low low ...")

Hilarious. A National Movement is beginning, my friends. Sing the song, cheer the anti-cheer. And let it be known: win or lose, the Hatred will live on.

INEPT 15 Minutes of Fame: Continued

Boston (INEPT) - We have ranted. We have raved. We have professed our hatred in a loud and clear voice. And yes, dear Reader, we have sold a few T-shirts. But today is a big day for this blog: we have once again been embraced by the main-stream media. From an article in today's Boston Globe:

The team's steady success, while admirable, has become annoying to most fans outside New England. The I-Hate-The-New-England-Patriots blog offers a "Basic Hater Tee" for $15.95.

The author of this piece is the mighty John Powers, and we have nothing but praise for this brilliant Bostonian. One small disagreement: "annoyed" doesn't begin to cover the rage that boils within us.


John Powers likes the bloggers

The article does bring up a few points of concern, however. In particular, the last sentence is chilling:

"The film is going to run like water," says Sabol. "If they win the Super Bowl, this team will be remembered and celebrated as long as the game of football is played."

The very thought keeps us awake at night. It is one thing to have to suffer this year, quite another for an eternity. Indeed, this may be the definition of Football Hell.

T-shirt Sale: Now available at a volume discount. Special thanks to "Dropsy" Dennis Northcut (remember him, Cleveland fans?). Also, a shout out to Rodney HGHarrison, for repeated late-hits and spearing. Didn't cost him this time, but we can wait. That guy is just not screwed together right.


Jaguar Victory T-shirt: Almost, But Not Quite.

Jaguar Playoff T-shirt: Now Available

Madison (INEPT) - What better way to get ready for the Jaguar win this weekend than a special-edition, limited availability Jaguar Playoff T-shirt?


Jaguar Playoff Tee

Presented to you in beautiful Jaguar black and gold, this T-shirt says it all when it comes to this weekend's game. In an odd way, the Tee commemorates the fine season the Hatriots will have had after the weekend is over. They will be the only team in football history to have gone 16-1. Congratulations, Bill Belicheat, Tom 'Fraidy, and company: you made history!

The Gauntlet

Boston (INEPT) - Here it comes. Every Hater's wish, now true. The Hatriots may be perfect. They may look good right now. But to get the prize, they will have to do what we all have been hoping for. The have to run the Gauntlet.


Not this Gauntlet

The definition:

gauntlet (also gantlet |ˈgantlit; ˈgônt-|)
noun (in phrase run the gauntlet)
1. go through an intimidating or dangerous crowd, place, or experience in order to reach a goal : they had to run the gauntlet of television cameras.
2. historical undergo the military punishment of receiving blows while running between two rows of men with sticks.
3. playing the jaguars, then colts/chargers, and then cowboys/packers/maybe giants in order to win the Super Bore.
ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: alteration of gantlope (from Swedish gatlopp, from gata ‘lane’ + lopp ‘course’ ) by association with gauntlet (1).

It is the third definition that is most pleasing to us, although definition two is certainly interesting. Why are military punishments always so memorable?


We can't handle the truth, either

First up in the Gauntlet: rising star Jacksonville. Long gone are the memories of 2005's failing strategy of 3 and out. Long gone is tubby QB Byron Sandwich. And long gone is an easy win due to cold weather. This is a team built for the playoffs. Hope rating: 5/10 (+2 can run the ball, +1 can play in cold weather, +1 david garrard, +2 defense, -1 still remember the 2005 playoff game)


What's happening, Byron? Not the playoffs.

Next up: likely the Colts, or a very motivated (and by then confident) Chargers team. We are happy with either. Assuming the Colts, not too much needs to be said. A true rival to the evildoers in the Northeast, the Colts are champs (remember that Hatriot fans?) and a formidable threat. Hope factor: 7/10 (+2 have beaten the Hatriots a lot lately, +2 SuperBore champs, +2 Peyton, +1 Addai, +1 Defense, -1 Freeney gone goddammit)


Recall this picture?

Assuming the Chargers, we'd have sweet revenge on our side. Hope factor: 6/10 (+2 LT, +2 Defense, +1 we remember last year you new england punks, +1 we beat Indy! -1 Rivers stinks, +1 LT again - he is that awesome)


LT is God

We won't get into our hope ratings for the NFC yet; perhaps we won't need to. The Gauntlet is tough. The Gauntlet is formidable. But most importantly, the Gauntlet is here.

Media Watch: A rare moment of sanity from the Boston Herald's Gerry Callahan. Choice quote: "Well, this probably isn’t the greatest team ever. It is a very good team that has been willed into the history books by the greatest quarterback ever." He's half right: the Hatriots are not the greatest team ever. 50% right is very high for Boston reporters, so full praise here.