San Diego: Keys to Victory

Boston (INEPT) - It doesn't look good. The Chargers limp into this game (LT, Rivers, Gates) while somehow the injury bug continues to avoid the Patriots in these most desperate times. Life isn't fair. If it were fair, Brady would have lost a finger or two and Belicheat his head:


Life isn't fair: Belicheat still has head

But this is no time for complaining. Rather, it is time to strategize. Thus, we bring you the San Diego Keys to Victory, brought to you by The I Hate The Patriots T-shirt Shop. (Yes, we are sponsoring ourselves.)

• Key #1: Rivers' Trash Talk. This dude is unbelievable. First, he trashes Jay Cutler. Then, he trashes some drunk fan in Indianapolis. Record in those games: 2-0. Who's next on his hit list? Inside information tells us that it is none other than Head Coach Bill Belicheat. Once Rivers gets inside his head, who knows what might happen.



Rivers: Dude can talk some smack


• Key #2: LT's Knee. If there is one body part (other than Belicheat's head) that is critical to this game, it is LT's knee. Yes, Mr. Well-paid Backup did great last week. But LT is LT. If you want to spell "BoLTs Win" this week, you need LT.



These are not LT's knees


• Key #3: Evolved Strategy. We brought you a blueprint. We laid out how Moss could and would be stopped. And it nearly worked. Moss was shutout. The problem: No QB Pressure. As Jacksonville safety Reggie Nelson said, "It was a dump-down game. Anybody can go 26-of-28 in a dump-down game." Without pressure, Brady will throw 4 yards to Wes "Duck, A Defender is Coming" Welker on nearly every play. But no worries here, Haters. Pressure is coming. It is coming.



Pressure: Coming at you, Brady (Courtesy of Bolt Talk)

So those are the keys. Trash, Knees, and Pressure. Can the Bolts defy the odds and go into the cold Northeast and steal a win? Our hopes are not high. The odds are against us. But this Sunday, dear Haters, we will be tuned in. And when Rivers runs across the field before kickoff to jaw at old Coach B, we will smile, knowing our plans are being put into action.

Moss Update: Yes, everyone is talking about Moss and the allegations of battery. Unfortunately, we don't think this is a big deal, and will likely only serve to motivate Moss to have a good game. Thanks a lot, Rachelle Washington. Only later will it be revealed this was part of some Belicheat master plan to get his team focused. Ugh.