SuperBore Preview: Final Press Roundup

From the incomparable New York Post:

The Patriots are suffering from premature exhilaration. The arrogant New England team has already applied for trademarks on "19-0" and "19-0 The Perfect Season." Three days before they beat the San Diego Chargers, and more than two weeks before Super Bowl XLII, the team egotistically filed paperwork with the US Patent and Trademark Office to cash in on sales of T-shirts, caps, posters and all kinds of Pats paraphernalia.

How humble. In honor of the Patriots, we decided to trademark a few other slogans. "19-0: But We Cheat", "19-0: We put the Ass in Asterisk", and "19-0: What we would have been if the f***ing Giants hadn't beaten us." The clever New York Post already paid $375 to trademark the best one of all: "18-1".



18-1 T-Shirts: Click here to buy one! Royalties to the NY Post?

Gregg Doyel of CBS Sportsline wants both teams to lose:

Seriously. If ever there was a Super Bowl in dire need of a double defeat, it's this one. New England and New York. Boston and Manhattan. The two whiniest, most arrogant, least likeable cities in America. The bad news is that one of them will win the Super Bowl. The good news? One of them will lose.

I don't like the Patriots. Not much about them, anyway. They have an igneous rock for a coach who doesn't chortle but does cheat. After both playoff games this year an opposing player accused a different Patriot of playing dirty. Rodney Harrison is an NFL-convicted drug cheat. But I do like Tom Brady. He's inhuman, and I respect that.

As much as we like the upstart Giants, double defeat would be fine by us.


Headlines after the double loss (use this to make your own!)

Turns out that SpyGate might be still alive. Our new favorite Senator, Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, is asking why Goodell destroyed the tapes:

"I am very concerned about the underlying facts on the taping, the reasons for the judgment on the limited penalties and, most of all, on the inexplicable destruction of the tapes," said Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., in a Thursday letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

Specter, the top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said the matter could put the league's antitrust exemption at risk.

Arlen Specter, Hero

Why might have Goodell destroyed the tapes? Perhaps because he knew they would leak. And perhaps, when people saw them, they would be amazed by the extent of Belichick's cheating. Perhaps.

SI has their predictions for the game available. Most people picking in the way you would think. Unfortunately, one of the few guys picking the Giants is a writer named "Damon Hack." Somehow, we don't think this bodes well. Hack says:

Something about Tom Brady's ankle makes me nervous.

Is it the fact, Damon, that his ankle looks like this?


Brady's Ankles: They scare Hack, and the rest of us

Finally, Jim Trotter tells us about some curious traditions in the Patriot locker room.

Quarterback Tom Brady was having a tough afternoon. Through three quarters of the AFC Championship Game on Jan. 20, he had thrown more interceptions (three) than touchdowns (two) and the Patriots were struggling to separate themselves from the hobbled (but determined) Chargers. Needing a spark, New England did just what you would expect: It turned to a running back whose toughness and maturity were questioned late in the season when anonymous teammates left diapers in front of his locker (emphasis ours).

Picture of a Patriot Diaper. Warning to all others: Never search for Diapers on the internet. Trust us. Don't do it.

So some Patriots were sending our buddy Laurence Maroney a message. Maybe Tom had an extra diaper on him, and thought LM could use it. Unlike condoms: Tommy never carries extra condoms.

And don't worry, fellow Haters. Come Monday, we'll be back in pure adulation or utter dismay for the incomparable, incomprehensible, and otherwise inconceivable SuperBore Wrapup.

Main Stream Media: Still Sucks

Arizona (INEPT) - The media is at it again. Because there is nothing worthwhile to report (apparently) about the pending SuperBore, those poor writers of the Main Stream Media hope and beg for some player to say something that sounds somewhat insulting to some other players. This quote is what they got out of monster wide receiver Plaxico Burress:

"We have guys that can go out and do things just as well or maybe better than some of those guys," he said last week.

Wow, you have guys that can do things just as well or maybe better than some of those guys? (emphasis ours) Well, that is basically true by default. It is true, for example, if Plaxico Burress does something as well as the worst wide receiver on the Patriots. A harmless little statement, basically saying: "we have some pretty good players too." No big deal, unless you are the MSM. Then, you make stuff up, and put it in the headlines. Some examples:

• Pats don't bite on Ex-Spartan star Burress' boast. From the Detroit Free Press. Nice work, Detroit. Maybe focus on criticizing the Lions, instead of making misleading headlines about a guy from MSU. Who are the Lions, you ask? They are a football team, kind of. Well, maybe one day.


• Patriots respond to Plaxico Burress' boast, don't take Giant bait. From Hank Gola, of the New York Daily News. Gee, Hank, maybe you should try to help your guys win, instead of giving the opposition more motivation. Of course, later in the article, Hank admits, "Burress' comments don't necessarily qualify as trash talk, because he's right in one respect. There are certain things the Giants receivers do better, like beating the bump-and-run physicality the Packers threw at them." Too little, too late, Hank. Damage done. But nice use of the phrase "bump-and-run". That shows you have a high football IQ.


• Burress: Giants WRs better. That is what the link to the same silly AP story says on ESPN's site. Well done, ESPN, you bastion of high-quality reporting. Maybe you should ask Kirk Herbstreit what his inside sources are saying. What's that? He thinks Les Miles is going to Michigan?! Wow!


• Giants' Burress Says Giants As Good As Pats. This generically poor headline was put forth by the crack staff at WLBZ in Bangor, Maine. Please, Bangor, stick to what you do best. Like the American Folk Festival, and lobster. Mmmmm, buttery lobster.

So the MSM keeps stirring the pot, while basically nothing interesting is being said. The only good news: there is only one week left.

Press Roundup

Arizona (INEPT) - The week before SuperBore is slow. It is boring. But the press keeps writing. We survey. Another incomparable service, brought to you by the crack staff here at INEPT.

Klosterman Immortality: Nice piece by Patriot Lover Chuck Klosterman over at ESPN. Basically, the Patriots would be more memorable if they lost. To wit:

If the Patriots win, they will just become this thing that scorched the earth for five months before capturing a trophy that was never in doubt. Future historians will describe this New England team as if it were a machine. Everyone will concede the Pats' superlative greatness, but the 19 wins will be just a collection of numbers. But if they lose -- especially if they lose late -- the New England Patriots will be the most memorable collection of individuals in the history of pro football. They will prove that nothing in this world is guaranteed, that past returns do not guarantee future results, that failure is what ultimately defines us and that Gisele will probably date a bunch of other dudes in her life, because man is eternally fallible.

Thus, for the first time, we hope that the Patriots do indeed become immortal, in the Klosterman sense.

Bootgate continues: The stories about Tom Brady's feet continue. Is he hurt? Is he practicing? Is he hanging out with Tony Romo in Mexico?


Brady: Off Camera, Left. Three Chicks asking him, "Do you play QB like Romo?"

From this article:

When drills began and receivers ran pass routes, it was backup Matt Cassel throwing to Randy Moss and No. 3 quarterback Matt Gutierrez passing the ball to Wes Welker.

Just the thought of Matt Cassel/Gutierrez playing in the game makes us smile.

Big Brother: Peyton chimes in on his brother. Basically, he thinks Eli will be in multiple SuperBores, and that they taught their dad how to text message. Maybe Dad should have taught him how not to choke in a playoff game -- oh yeah, he never played in one. Oddly, no mention of the DSRL:


DSRL, DSRL, I can't get your damn song out of my head


Dr. Z: Genius: Dr. Z is picking the Giants. And not just to win the DSRL. No, the SuperBore too. A choice quote:

I have a chance to settle an old score, right an old wrong, find peace in my old age and apologize, in sideways fashion, to those whom I wronged so many years ago.

The way to do all this is to pick the Giants to upset New England, and that's what I'm doing. Giants to upset the New England Patriots, currently favored by 12½, in the great stormfest known as Super Bowl XLII.

In 1968 I was the beat man, covering the Jets for the New York Post. I was around the team every day. I flew down with them to Miami for Super Bowl III and I stayed in their hotel, the Galt Ocean Mile in Fort Lauderdale. The Colts opened as 17-point favorites. By game time, the rush of Baltimore money had pushed the price up to 19½, one of the biggest line moves in Super Bowl history. They were calling the Colts The Greatest Team Ever, or at least the greatest on the defensive side of the ball. Their owner, Carroll Rosenbloom, thunderously echoed that sentiment.

I had a feeling about the Jets, not a strong one, but Joe Namath working against that strong side rotating zone? Gee, he'd never had trouble with it before. Could it be that ... ? Do I have the courage to ... ? Nah, I'll pick the Colts to win, but by under the spread. That'll make everyone happy. So I did and it made no one happy, least of all me when the Jets scored the biggest upset in Supe history. Who was happy? Leonard Shecter of the Post. He picked the Jets. I kicked myself for the coward I was. No longer. Today, I am a man.

Yes, Dr. Z, you are a man. At least in this blog's eyes you are.


Dr. Z: Genius


Draft update: The first of the draft boards are up at SI. Who do they have the Patriots taking with their number seven pick? Mike Jenkins, a cornerback from South Florida to replace the soon departed Asanta Samuel. Sounds good to us; we doubt whether that will even improve the team. What are the odds of a rookie being better than Samuel? And why didn't you take that draft pick away too, Roger "Destroyer of Evidence" Goodell? Wimp.


Goodell, Nixon. Both Crooks.