Thursday, January 17, 2008

San Diego: Keys to Victory

Boston (INEPT) - It doesn't look good. The Chargers limp into this game (LT, Rivers, Gates) while somehow the injury bug continues to avoid the Patriots in these most desperate times. Life isn't fair. If it were fair, Brady would have lost a finger or two and Belicheat his head:


Life isn't fair: Belicheat still has head

But this is no time for complaining. Rather, it is time to strategize. Thus, we bring you the San Diego Keys to Victory, brought to you by The I Hate The Patriots T-shirt Shop. (Yes, we are sponsoring ourselves.)

  • Key #1: Rivers' Trash Talk. This dude is unbelievable. First, he trashes Jay Cutler. Then, he trashes some drunk fan in Indianapolis. Record in those games: 2-0. Who's next on his hit list? Inside information tells us that it is none other than Head Coach Bill Belicheat. Once Rivers gets inside his head, who knows what might happen.



  • Rivers: Dude can talk some smack

  • Key #2: LT's Knee. If there is one body part (other than Belicheat's head) that is critical to this game, it is LT's knee. Yes, Mr. Well-paid Backup did great last week. But LT is LT. If you want to spell "BoLTs Win" this week, you need LT.



  • These are not LT's knees

  • Key #3: Evolved Strategy. We brought you a blueprint. We laid out how Moss could and would be stopped. And it nearly worked. Moss was shutout. The problem: No QB Pressure. As Jacksonville safety Reggie Nelson said, "It was a dump-down game. Anybody can go 26-of-28 in a dump-down game." Without pressure, Brady will throw 4 yards to Wes "Duck, A Defender is Coming" Welker on nearly every play. But no worries here, Haters. Pressure is coming. It is coming.



  • Pressure: Coming at you, Brady (Courtesy of Bolt Talk)


So those are the keys. Trash, Knees, and Pressure. Can the Bolts defy the odds and go into the cold Northeast and steal a win? Our hopes are not high. The odds are against us. But this Sunday, dear Haters, we will be tuned in. And when Rivers runs across the field before kickoff to jaw at old Coach B, we will smile, knowing our plans are being put into action.

Moss Update: Yes, everyone is talking about Moss and the allegations of battery. Unfortunately, we don't think this is a big deal, and will likely only serve to motivate Moss to have a good game. Thanks a lot, Rachelle Washington. Only later will it be revealed this was part of some Belicheat master plan to get his team focused. Ugh.

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33 Comments:

Anonymous Chair2squeaky said...

One of the first to comment, most wonderful.

Let the hate begin. It is brilliant in its agony, and keeps me amused!

10:36 AM  
Blogger Chip Dawg said...

Outstanding Blog Hater in Chief!! Thank you I needed a good laugh! Your stance on Randy Moss surprised me though. Although Randy Moss has apparently not only been a model citizen all year long, but also the last few years in Oakland as well, I figured that you'd be like that Giants Fan in NE who is all about attacking the Patriots character. She seems to think that NFL players, particularly the Patriots, should all be boy scouts, but have somehow gone horribly wrong.

However, I think I see the truth here. You're a guy, I'm a guy, and Moss is a guy. We realize that women in general have us by the sack and can ruin our lives by saying whatever they want. I love women, but if Washington made this up or is making a huge deal out of nothing in order to get rich quick, then the she should be charged with bitch craft and burned at the stake!

GO RANDY MOSS!! NO PRISONERS!! NO MERCY!!

10:40 AM  
Blogger Dave H said...

Eric Weddle will put a stop to this Wes Welker non-sense.

11:09 AM  
Anonymous Pats ROCK said...

Uh, that didn't happen on September 16, if I do so remember....oh yeah....38-14.


I think the Chargirls are gonna get massively OWNED.

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Patty "ROTFL" Pat said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

12:44 PM  
Blogger Dave H said...

Yeah, that's cuase he was barely playing at the time, and the D was still adjusting to Cotrell's new scheme. Cromartie barely played in that game either.

But then again, Patriots fans don't really know anything about the actual game of football.

We will probably lose, but I pray the football gods show mercy on the nation and grant the Chargers a victory, to stem the inevitable tide of New enlgand douchi-ness.

12:47 PM  
Anonymous NE Camera Crew said...

Kind of off subject here, but I just read in the paper today that Rodney "voted NFL's dirtiest player by SI" Harrison said that the NY Giants play dirty football. Rodney Harrison!!!

Thought that was funny.

But anyway, the Colts got their Randy Moss back, Marvin Harrison (hopefully not related to the above model citizen), and probably were the only team in the AFC that could've beaten the Cheatriots. You blew it, Peyton. At least your commercials are still funny.

Charger fans, hope all you want (and I will be there with you!), but between your injuries, the Moss Distortion Factor, Belichick's ongoing cheating (I'm sure he stopped when he got caught, right? Sure.), and the paid off stacks of refs (eye poke? What eye poke? Moss pushed off? Didn't see it, sorry), I don't think your guys stand much of a chance.

I'm going to go write Peyton Manning and the Baltimore Ravens some more hate mail, now.

And, it's a bit premature, but I'm also sending Atari Bigby a fruit basket, in hopes that will give him extra incentive to knock the stuffing out of Randy Moss in a couple of weeks.

Cheat to win! Wooo!

1:18 PM  
Anonymous PatriotsReign said...

"the D was still adjusting to Cotrell's new scheme."
The Pats are adjusting week by week too, ya knucklehead.

"But then again, Patriots fans don't really know anything about the actual game of football."
What Patty said.

1:22 PM  
Anonymous GiantsfaninNE said...

Rodney Harrison shouldn't be pointing the "dirty football player" finger at anybody! I do find it funny that he says the Giants play dirty. Wouldn't the Giants be more successful if they did?

Chip Dawg, thanks for mentioning me in every comment you make. It makes me feel important.

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

But then again, Patriots fans don't really know anything about the actual game of football.

That doesn't even make sense!!!!

-PatsandSeahawks

7:21 PM  
Anonymous Pats ROCK said...

"But then again, Patriots fans don't really know anything about the actual game of football."

.....Dave, I'm sorry. You're a bit late with this one- it's been proven wrong and wrong again and again.

Pats are gonna own....the only team I think will have any chance of beating the Pats are the Packers- if we lose to them, then hats off. I'd rather them than anyone else.

8:01 PM  
Blogger Chip Dawg said...

I present to you now the Chip Dawg No Prisoners! No Mercy!! San Diego Chargers keys to victory:
1) Their defense, particularly their linebackers and secondary is very fast and, if it can pressure Brady into some turnovers can change the game.
2) The Charger Running backs, even with a limping LT, are pretty fast. If the Patriot D doesn't cover the field well and doesn't tackle it could be a long day.
3) The Charger Cheerleaders are fucking hot!! http://www.chargers.com/charger_girls/ Since they're not on the road, the Charger players could be inspired to win it for the luscious ta-tas. It could be the difference maker. This could be a major stretch since the Patriot Cheerleaders are also hot, but those San Diego uniforms leave even less to the imagination, so this clearly gives the Chargers an edge.

GO PATRIOTS!! NO PRISONERS! NO MERCY!!

5:19 AM  
Blogger Chip Dawg said...

Dave H,
Quit making excuses for the Chargers in game 2. They got beaten by a superior team that was inspired by camera-gate and was playing at a much higher level.

NE Camera Crew,
Rodney Harrison, our favorite assassin, is voted the NFL's dirtiest player?? Shocking. We Cheat to win? My God. Stop the presses. Gee, the question is what should we do with Harrison? How shall we improve our image?
Course of action #1: Maybe we shouldn't let him play. Have him sit this one out. We might be losers, but people will like us more.
Course of action #2: Maybe we should unleash the murderous son of a bitch on the San Diego Wide Receivers. He should bite Gate's toe, give LT a little tweak on the knee at the bottom of the pile, and stick it to every Charger receiver that goes across the middle. We'll be Superbowl Champions and people will fucking worship us as we will have achieved Football immortality. Course of action #2 it is. I got a chubba just thinking about it.

NO PRISONERS! NO MERCY!!

6:01 AM  
Blogger Chip Dawg said...

Giants Fan,
If I make you feel important, I apologize. You're really not. You're just another target of opportunity for me to poop on.

Does anyone feel like giving predictions for the game?

Here's mine: Patriots 34 Chargers 17

No Prisoners..No Mercy

11:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ouch. I think he's important. He's one of the only haters who's screename I remember, other than Dave H. Speaking of which, where are all the haters to tell us that we don't know what we're talking about? Why is just pats fans? This is no fun!

Anyway, predictions. The Chargers will be able to match blows with the Patriots in the first quarter, but for the rest of the game, New England will take complete control. Patriots 30, Chargers 20.

-PatsandSeahawks

12:24 PM  
Anonymous GiantsfaninNE said...

Chargers 21 Patriots 17*


*wishful thinking

5:11 PM  
Anonymous PatsRule said...

"*wishful thinking"
For once, you're right.

5:59 PM  
Anonymous Pats Fan said...

Like that will EVER happen....

7:52 PM  
Blogger Dave H said...

Man, I am famous on this INEPT board now!

Chip Dawg, once this is all said and done, I would like a NO PRISONERS, NO MERCY shirt, for reals. I won't pay for it, but you can send it to:

6969 Gaytriot Way
Hatersville, USA

Thanks bro, GO BOLTS!!!

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Pats Fan said...

Oh wow, "6969"?

Chip, I think Dave has a certain soft spot for you.....O_o

Oh and Dave...sorry, you're not as "popular" as Giantsfan or SRD. It just ain't gonna happen....they're just more persistent and more bandwagon-y than you are. They'll take up most of our attention now that the other bandwagoners are gone but they still stay.

8:56 AM  
Anonymous PatsRule said...

Whatever happened to SRD? Did his body explode because it just couldn't take seeing the Patriots winning week after week?

9:36 AM  
Anonymous Pats Fan said...

No idea, but sounds likely, doesn't it?

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Snerdly said...


When I say Patriots, you say TOUCHDOWN!

2:49 PM  
Blogger Dave H said...

Yes, I am new to the Hater Bandwagon, but people inte Hatriot community have made room and have been very supportive.

Trust me, I WISH I was a Chargers bandwagon fan, it would have saved me a lot of time watching terrible Dan Henning coached, Billy Joe Tolliver led Bolts football.

5:49 PM  
Anonymous Pats Fan said...

Were you also there when the Chargers only had field goals for scores? :)

2:09 PM  
Anonymous Snerdly said...

EIGHTEEN AND OHHHH

Well, Mercury Morris, there goes the neighborhood, eh?

3:09 PM  
Anonymous Pats ROCK said...

SSUUUUUUUUPPPPPEEERRRRRR

BOOOOWWWWLLLLLL

Sorry, it has to sink in, cause, you know, the Haters take awhile before they understand the magnitude of this event....

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Snerdly said...

OK Haters...
Fate has chosen your last hope in the form of Eli Manning.

So how do you feel about this matchup?

I'm feeling HAPPY, because the Packers were a team we hadn't played... And BB always learns from his opponents

7:19 PM  
Anonymous PatriotsReign said...

And the "Randy Moss Distortion Factor" theory takes yet another hit.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Dave H said...

Ugh, LT totally pussed out. Unbelievable.

Charger fans, behind Eli? You better believe it.

10:04 PM  
Anonymous Ne rocks said...

Well your not going to be behing his back anymore when the win. And, the patriots were the very, very, very, first team to be 18-0.

Just a nice little fact I like.


1-25-08

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Ne rocks said...

Well your not going to be behing his back anymore when the win. And, the patriots were the very, very, very, first team to be 18-0.

Just a nice little fact I like.


1-25-08

6:43 PM  
Anonymous Ne rocks said...

Well your not going to be behing his back anymore when the win. And, the patriots were the very, very, very, first team to be 18-0.

Just a nice little fact I like.


1-25-08

6:43 PM  

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