Patriots: The New Bills

Boston (INEPT) - As the Hatriots scratched and clawed their way to victory over the flightless Eagles Monday night, a vision entered our heads. It was a beautiful thing to behold, more complex than the escape plan imprinted on Michael Scofield's body, more stunning than any Frank Lloyd Wright creation. Yes, it was a blueprint. But not for a building. No, more precious than that. It was a blueprint for the Hatriots' defeat.


Scofield hates the Patriots too

This precious image came about as we realized the Hatriots aren't who we thought they were. Remember what this team was built on years ago when (alas) they did win the SuperBore (yes, we even have to admit, three times): Defense, and timely offense. Well, dear Reader, that was then, this is now. This is a different team. This team, you see, has a powerful offense (again, painful to admit), but the defense isn't too sound. And this new version of the Hatriots bears a strong resemblance to another team from the past.


INEPT knows its history

Now, dear Reader, which team could that be? Well, let us remind you. This was a team that rolled to a 13-3 record during the regular season. In the playoffs, they crunched a good Marino-led Dolphin squad, and absolutely demolished the Raiders 51-3. They came to the Superbore as the team to beat. And. They. Lost. You remember, now, don't you? Wide right Yes, that's right. This current Hatriot team is nothing other than a modern incarnation of the 1990 Buffalo Bills.


The New Math: Patriots equal (1990) Bills

You remember the game? If so, you remember exactly how to beat the current Hatriots. Ball control. Shorten the game. Hit 'em hard, repeatedly. It has been done twice this season (Colts, Eagles), and it has almost worked. It only needs to work once. And yes, those of you who are paying attention; there is a sweet irony at work. Who, of course, was the mastermind behind this plan? Who came up with the blueprint to beat the Bills then, the Hatriots now? Well, dear Reader, you probably guessed that too:


Belichoke: Your own plan will defeat you!

New England Loses at (European) Football

Washington (INEPT) - So much for never losing at football. This past Sunday, we all saw what many have hoped for all year. That's right, dear Readers, you guessed it: we finally got to see New England lose a football game this year.


Houston Dynamo defeats New England Revolution

We now will break down the ingredients required to take down those footballers from the Northeast. Pay attention, teams of the NFL, and get a head start on ending this season of undefeat.

• Make the coach wear ugly clothing. "I see your sweatshirt, and raise you one ugly hat", is what the Houston coach seemed to be saying. Clothing is clearly an important piece of defeating New England. Check out the Houston Dynamo's coach, Dominic Kinnear. His ears must be cold!



Dominic Kinnear: Ugly hats are key to success


• Use an odd, hard to pluralize team nickname. Yes, the New England Revolution lost to the Houston Dynamo. Clearly, having an unusual pluralization is critical. Perhaps the Colts should become the "Herd", or the Steelers should change their name to "the local 419". Alternately, get the Utah Jazz to play football.



What is the singular of Dynamo?


• Have some Canadians on the team.The Dynamo had the famous Dwayne De Rosario, who hales from Toronto. Perhaps NFL teams should call up some players from the CFL. Of course, you have to remind them about 4th down.

The real lesson, of course, from the MLS championship was much simpler. It takes a repeat champion to beat those New Englanders we love to hate. Someone who has been there before, who will not wilt when the time comes. Someone who will feel that other guy coming on like an avalanche and reach down to find an extra gear. Someone who, when the team is down by 4, with 1:30 on the clock and the snow coming down hard in your eyes, can throw it deep to the corner where only the receiver can make the play. Which previous champion will step up? Here at INEPT, we have some ideas:


Previous Champs: Remember Who You Are

The New York Post Rules

New York (INEPT) - As we said before, newspapers usually get it wrong. Usually. But this (somewhat old) football standing from the New York Post shows that once in a rare while, some journalist reaches down into the depths of reporting history and pulls out a downright gem:


The Post Gets It Right

Hello, New England Asterisks. How does that feel?

Headlines

We all know newspapers are basically full of crap. But the headlines following the Debacle in Indianapolis go beyond bad reporting. They show that most newspapers are written by a bunch of stupid people. It is sad. Here, we provide a sample:

Patriot games: Never in doubt. From the Chicago Sun-Times. Thanks, Sun-Times. It was never in doubt, except when it was completely in doubt, which was most of the game.

Doing it Belichick's way, Patriots far and away the NFL's best. This is from the Canadian Press. Hello, Canada, this is football! That's AMERICAN football! Please stick to Hockey, and drinking.

Patriots Leave No Doubt Who's No. 1 As the Colts Leave With Loss No. 1. Gee, NY Times, you must be right, there is no doubt too. Sounds like you and the Sun-Times should get together and have a beer and talk sports. Oops, I forgot: the NY Times completely stinks at sports coverage. Stick to real news, morons. (Editor's note: the online link actually gives a different headline than the print edition, which is what we quote here)

Colts cleared of cheating against Patriots. Amazingly, the Hatriots complained the Colts were cheating during the game by piping in audio noise. Yes, that's right, dear Reader, you heard right: the Hatriots accused the Colts of cheating. Wow. Predicted next headline: Hatriots accuse other team of being a bunch of assholes.

Pats just know what it takes. What a dumb headline. Nice one, Boston Herald. Even worse, though, is the article, which begins with Richard Seymour's words of wisdom. "We felt (like we had them) the whole game," defensive end Seymour said, following the 24-20 come-from-behind triumph. "It was just a matter of us making the plays. We didn’t know when the plays were going to be made, we just knew somebody was going to step up to make them." Huh? You "had them the whole game"? Which game was he talking about? What a buffoon.

No stopping the Patriots. The Sun-Times again. Wow, two crappy columnists in the same newspaper. Now that takes talent. This one is by Rick Telander, whom the Sun-Times hired away from Sports Illustrated. Since that time, SI has gotten a lot more popular. Thanks, Sun-Times, for saving SI. Thank you.

New England juggernaut rolls on. This insightful article includes the opening line, "Can anyone stop the New England Patriots?" Gee, I wonder. Thank the UK Times for this penetrating game summary. Yes, the UK Times, in England. Do they even know the rules of the game? I'll have to ask Nick Szczepanik, who wrote the article. No, I didn't leave any vowels out of his last name. And no, he doesn't know shit about football.

What any decent article instead might focus on:

• The Hatriots defense looks old. Did you see Joseph Addai stutter-step Teddy Brainski?
• Tom 'Fraidy doesn't do so well when there is pressure on him. And there are some teams that can get to him, like the mighty Steelers.
• The Colts defense looks fast. Wow, they play fast.
• The Hatriots have a bad running game. And it's not going to get any better soon.
• If Moss gets injured or has an off-game, the Hatriots passing game isn't so great either. Without him, it's just like last year. Come on, high-ankle sprain!

So laugh it up, Hatriot fans. Enjoy the win. The blueprint has been laid out. The mighty Hatriots are unbeaten, but certainly beatable. Will it be the Colts who ends their season? Or the Steelers? Or even the Chargers (once they fire Norv Turner)? Who knows. And who cares. All we know is that here at INEPT, we find ourselves happy today. We saw the Hatriots' true colors. And it wasn't Superbowl Trophy Silver. Rather, it was Fool's Gold.