Headlines

We all know newspapers are basically full of crap. But the headlines following the Debacle in Indianapolis go beyond bad reporting. They show that most newspapers are written by a bunch of stupid people. It is sad. Here, we provide a sample:

Patriot games: Never in doubt. From the Chicago Sun-Times. Thanks, Sun-Times. It was never in doubt, except when it was completely in doubt, which was most of the game.

Doing it Belichick's way, Patriots far and away the NFL's best. This is from the Canadian Press. Hello, Canada, this is football! That's AMERICAN football! Please stick to Hockey, and drinking.

Patriots Leave No Doubt Who's No. 1 As the Colts Leave With Loss No. 1. Gee, NY Times, you must be right, there is no doubt too. Sounds like you and the Sun-Times should get together and have a beer and talk sports. Oops, I forgot: the NY Times completely stinks at sports coverage. Stick to real news, morons. (Editor's note: the online link actually gives a different headline than the print edition, which is what we quote here)

Colts cleared of cheating against Patriots. Amazingly, the Hatriots complained the Colts were cheating during the game by piping in audio noise. Yes, that's right, dear Reader, you heard right: the Hatriots accused the Colts of cheating. Wow. Predicted next headline: Hatriots accuse other team of being a bunch of assholes.

Pats just know what it takes. What a dumb headline. Nice one, Boston Herald. Even worse, though, is the article, which begins with Richard Seymour's words of wisdom. "We felt (like we had them) the whole game," defensive end Seymour said, following the 24-20 come-from-behind triumph. "It was just a matter of us making the plays. We didn’t know when the plays were going to be made, we just knew somebody was going to step up to make them." Huh? You "had them the whole game"? Which game was he talking about? What a buffoon.

No stopping the Patriots. The Sun-Times again. Wow, two crappy columnists in the same newspaper. Now that takes talent. This one is by Rick Telander, whom the Sun-Times hired away from Sports Illustrated. Since that time, SI has gotten a lot more popular. Thanks, Sun-Times, for saving SI. Thank you.

New England juggernaut rolls on. This insightful article includes the opening line, "Can anyone stop the New England Patriots?" Gee, I wonder. Thank the UK Times for this penetrating game summary. Yes, the UK Times, in England. Do they even know the rules of the game? I'll have to ask Nick Szczepanik, who wrote the article. No, I didn't leave any vowels out of his last name. And no, he doesn't know shit about football.

What any decent article instead might focus on:

• The Hatriots defense looks old. Did you see Joseph Addai stutter-step Teddy Brainski?
• Tom 'Fraidy doesn't do so well when there is pressure on him. And there are some teams that can get to him, like the mighty Steelers.
• The Colts defense looks fast. Wow, they play fast.
• The Hatriots have a bad running game. And it's not going to get any better soon.
• If Moss gets injured or has an off-game, the Hatriots passing game isn't so great either. Without him, it's just like last year. Come on, high-ankle sprain!

So laugh it up, Hatriot fans. Enjoy the win. The blueprint has been laid out. The mighty Hatriots are unbeaten, but certainly beatable. Will it be the Colts who ends their season? Or the Steelers? Or even the Chargers (once they fire Norv Turner)? Who knows. And who cares. All we know is that here at INEPT, we find ourselves happy today. We saw the Hatriots' true colors. And it wasn't Superbowl Trophy Silver. Rather, it was Fool's Gold.