AFC Championship Wrap-up: Hatriots Play "Respect" Card

After last Sunday's AFC Championship game, INEPT
staffers asked for some post-game opinions from
their favorites Hatriots players. INEPT was surprised
to hear these responses:

Rodney Harrison said "Nobody thought we could win the
championship game. Nobody! After three super bowls,
how could they disrespect us like that?" Uh, Rodney,
wasn't the game between Giftsburgh and the Mile-high
Broncos? "See, that's exactly what I'm talking about."
Harrison replied as he stormed out of the room on
the way to anger management class.

INEPT also asked Hatriot QB Tom Brady about the
perceived lack of respect for the Hatriots chances
last Sunday. "Each week we have to hear how we can't
win. Well, after yesterday, I hope we put an end to
all of that talk." Uh, Tom, weren't you sitting at
home on your A** this past Sunday? "What? I wasn't
listening - I was reading my Playboy magazine here.
See it? I'm a totally normal dude, really."

INEPT turned to Hatriot favorite overachiever Teddy
Brainski for his thoughts on the "final four" of
the NFL and the perceived lack of respect for the
Hatriots, Brainski responded: "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find
out what it means to me! Aren't those words to live
by? And I love the final four. Who doesn't? I mean,
two plus two IS four, isn't it? Hold on, OK, I can
feel my arm again. Now where were we?"

INEPT also has inside information that Coach Belichoke
spent Sunday morning in the locker room building up
the Hatriots with one of his best "us against them"
speeches. "Everyone thought we would lose this week
in the championship game. Everyone! And all I ask
of you is this: did we?" No coach, you're right, you
didn't.

The End of an Era

Seasons come and seasons go. Time marches on. And
eras, whether those of extreme joy or immense suffering,
do come to an end.

No, we are not speaking of the end of the Hatriot Whine-asty;
years from now, many will realize that ended with last year's
departure of HAC'ers Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel.

We interrupt this post to report another Patriot turnover.
Now back to your regularly scheduled posting.

Rather, we mark with sadness what may be the end of
the Era of Hate. It began with one of the worst calls in
the history of football - the tuck rule - and may just have
ended last night with a 27-13 dismantling in Denver.

For after all, how can one truly hate that which is only mediocre?
Last night it was the Broncos that won in true Hatriot fashion,
forcing timely turnovers and taking advantage of what was given
to them - exactly the type of play we learned to revile so much
these past few years. The Hatriots, in contrast, resembled the
Giftsburgh Steelers, doing everything they could to lose what
was a winnable game. Alas.

We interrupt again to report that Champ Bailey is still
running and has finally neared the endzone.

What will we do, with so much vitriol, and yet no team worthy of
our hatred? What will fill this immense void in our lives?
Will another team rise up and earn our enmity?
Another coach our scorn?

One final interruption to report that Willie McGinest has
just taken a swing at Coach Belichoke, the Hatriot mascot,
and his mother.

Only time will tell. Until then, my fellow Haters, do what is
natural to you - celebrate, or perhaps mourn, the passing
of an era of malice, an era of abhorrence, yes, my friends,
an era of true Hatred.

INEPT's Top Three Reasons Hatriots Will Lose

3. Mike Shanahan: Forgotten Genius. Is there
anyone itching to knock supposed genius Bill
Belichoke around more than last decade's
genius, Mike Shanahan? Recall that in Shanahan,
we have a guy who led the Broncos to two
straight Super Bore victories with a QB well
past his prime, and is generally considered
an "offensive mastermind" (er, rather, a
"mastermind of offense"). What better to
motivate this real genius than a chance to
rub Belichoke's face in it, perhaps even
get him fired?

2. Denver: Pot City, USA. This past November,
citizens of Denver voted to legalize the possession
of small amounts of marijuana. While having little
affect on the home team, visitors often indulge
themselves in what is now more appropriately referred
to as the "Mile High" city. INEPT predicts that at
least half of the Hatriots to be stoned during
the game, including medicinal user Teddy Brainski.

1. January 14th: Anti-Patriots Day. The day
of the game, 1/14, is coincidentally none other
than Benedict Arnold's birthday. Is there any more
ill omen for the Hatriots than to have to play on
the day where America's most well-known Anti-Patriot
was born?

Jacksonville Kittens Flawed Strategy

INEPT has uncovered information from an inside source
about the flawed approach taken by the Jacksonville
Kitty-cats in last week's Beatdown in Gillette Town.

Sources revealed that the codename for the Kitty's strategy
was "Three and Out", and centered around scoring just
three points and shutting out the Hatriots for the win.

When asked about the flawed approach, Kitkat coach
Jack Del Rio said that "it was a sound game plan,
up until they scored the first of four touchdowns."

A follow-up question inquired as to whether Del Rio
thought about changing the strategy when the Hatriots
took the lead. Del Rio looked puzzled for a moment
and responded "Change is for the weak. Three and Out
was put in by this coaching staff after a lot of
hard work. We weren't about to throw all that out
the window."

The questioning ended when Jack bent over
slightly and puked.

The Days of Yesteryear: A Suggestion

In yesterday's intentional loss to the Miami Chowder,
Hatriot's backup Doug Flutie attempted an extra
point in the old style, drop kicking the ball through
the uprights for the point after.

INEPT takes this opportunity to suggest that the
Hatriots continue exploring the revitalization of
such football anachronisms in this week's playoff
game with the Jacksonville Kittens. Here are some
suggestions:

• Leather Helmets: Why use the clunky, metallic, protective
  modern helmets we have grown so used to? The old style leather
  helmets are lighter, sleeker, and retain their utility with
  a good oiling twice a week.


• No Forward Passes: Knute Rockne ushered in the era
  of the forward pass - why shouldn't Bill Belichoke usher it out?
  Stick to handoffs and fancy lateral plays for a quarter,
  a half, or even the entire game!


• Rugby-style scoring: Why demand six points for a touchdown,
  when a try was only worth 3 points back in 1957? Explicitly
  arrange for your touchdowns to count for this more humble
  amount.

By reverting to this traditional style, how could the Hatriots lose?
Just some kindly advice from your friends here at INEPT.