I Hate The New England Patriots

Mailbag!

2008-10-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

Madison (WI) - Hater-in-chief is lazy. Hater-in-chief is busy. Hater-in-chief has plenty of ideas for content but somehow no time to implement them. And despite what you think, Hating does not generate enough revenue to drop all other pursuits. So what do you, precious Reader, get instead? Mailbag.

hey! that guy sleeping on the bench is my husband!
sincerely,
erin

Erin is of course referring to this picture:

Sleeping dude is actually a real dude

which was found in that devastating post of ours, cleverly entitled More Mailbag! So Erin, you might be wondering why we included a picture of your dear hubby in our blog. Well, this gets back to the "we are lazy" bit above: we simply searched google images for sleeping dudes. Your hubby, apparently, is the first such picture that did not entirely creep us out. So consider it a compliment of sorts, from this wondrous website to you and yours. You're welcome! And Erin herself remains a mystery. Could it be Erin Andrews? Erin Brockovich? Hurricane Erin? The world may never know.

Will the real Erin please stand up?

Due to our increased import in the online media world, we also received this tidbit from our buddy Tom, apparently a high-roller in the realm of Men's Magazines:

In an effort to ease US/Russian relations, Maxim.com has sent its editors to Moscow’s Red Square in order to capture some of the country’s most beautiful sights. Now THAT’S diplomacy!
Maxim Goes to Russia
Enjoy…
Tom

Now, who among us isn't impressed by Maxim's efforts to reach out to our Russian comrades? Let's hope they get involved with the middle east next.

Finally, we have Paul, who writes:

I'm a die hard Jets Fan, and I think I hate the PATS more than you!
I think I'm buying a shirt.

Dear Paul: you may be a die hard Jets fan (though a clear sign of insanity). You may also hate the Pats (a clear sign of immense intelligence). But there is no way in this dear life that you hate the Pats more than we do. Please read our hundreds of other blog posts to see why. And yes, buy more shirts! That final piece of wisdom, Paul, shows us you are a real man of genius. Mr. Jet-lovin-Pat-hating-Tshirt-buying-website reader...

More Mailbag!

2008-09-22T06:48:00.001-07:00

Madison (INEPT) - The letters keep flowing. They make a simple point, repeatedly. It is best summarized by John:

I am a frequent visitor to IHateTheNewEnglandPatriots.com and an avid hater. Ever since the 2001 AFC Championship I have hated Belichick and Brady more than life itself.

I figured there would be tons of updates after the start of the NFL season and especially with Brady going out for the season, but nothing. I waited a week to see if there would be any updates and couldn't stand it any longer. Please tell me the site will live on. It has to.

Thanks,

John

Dear John (and others): There is a simple reply to this. Have we been sitting around, doing nothing, while this new football season lives on? No, John, no sir.

Have we been sleeping? Well, maybe.

So, the astute reader might ask, what exactly have we been doing? Simple. We have been mustering our troops, reinforcing our weaknesses. The game films are being broken down, and new strategies being formed. Questions? They are being answered. Doubts? Removed. And now, after the new Undefeated season has again become Defeated (by the mighty Fins, no less), we are summarized by one clear word: Back. That's right, our friends. We. Are. Back.

More mail, this time from long-time reader, first-time mailbagger Joe:

Was injuring Brady really necessary, hex man?
-Joe

Well, this is at least an easy one to answer. Yes. First, we tried simple curses. No luck. Then, a series of prayers, one in each of the major religions. Apparently, those gods have no ears for such desires. Finally, a successful strategy:

How Tom's Injury Happened

A simple poke to the knee, and we were done. And to all you Haters out there: you're welcome.

Finally, a more business-minded letter. Bryan writes:

Hi,
I am interested in purchasing one to two simple text links on your website's homepage. How much would you charge for that?
Thanks.
Bryan

How much, for access to the legions of Haters out there that this site has so carefully bred over these past four years? How much, for direct connect to an army of T-shirt buying, bad-website-reading, probably jobless teenagers? How much, you ask? Well, not much. Make an offer.

We're in the Money.

Coming soon: A discussion of the Fiasco in ~~Florida~~Foxboro. The ghosts of the '72 Dolphins seem to be alive and kicking.

Mailbag!

2008-08-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

Dedicated reader Kevin writes:

He started out as an intern for the New England Patriots, then Will McDonough made a very important friend. Since then got himself a much, much sweeter job, handling Tom Brady’s private affairs… a job so secretive that not even his best friends have any idea what he does. Here is Boston magazine’s look at the man who rode the Super Bowl QB’s coattails to greater fame.

Click here for the article. It is a bizarre read. For those of you too lazy to click (likely, most of you), here are some of the interesting snippets:

For those who don't remember, Brady was not all that long ago a floppy-haired underdog who favored blazers with elbow patches. Even after his early on-field success, he retained a dorky aw-shucks style. He hated the podium and was unprepared for celebrity. Then, before our eyes, he became the metro-sexual who now flits about Europe, paparazzi in his wake. These days Brady seems quite comfortable in his underwear, accessorized perhaps with a sweaty bottle of Smartwater and some Stetson cologne. Compared with Peyton Manning, who hams it up for the NFL's yeasty audience and wouldn't be caught dead in a Movado watch, Brady is a fey extraterrestrial. He has leveraged his appeal in a restrained fashion that transcends his sport. The approach might even be called elegant. But the process has not been intuitive. Brady has needed help. That's where McDonough comes in.

So basically, Tom needed some dude to come in and help him dress. Kind of reminds me of the whole Al Gore/Naomi Wolf thing. Let's hear what our Republican pals think of Tommy! It continues:

At the same time, just like Eric, McDonough has his detractors, those who see him as a lucky boob. A coattailer. And they aren't afraid to voice their opinions, at least anonymously. On one blog, McDonough is called an "ass clown," a "jock sniffer," a "douche," and a "hog sucker." Other people interviewed for this story expressed a disbelief bordering on outrage at his success. Invariably, though, the critics didn't actually know him. They'd merely crossed his path at a party somewhere.

This is what reporting has come to: on "one blog", he was called an "ass clown." Wow! On a blog! It must be true! Being the crack reporters that we are here at INEPT, we decided to track these references down.

McDonough and Bruschi

Turns out the reporter meant that phrases such as "ass clown" and "jock sniffer" were actually found in the reader comments at barstool sports:

I hate to say this as an alum, but McDonough went to BC, graduated in '02. He has worked at the Pats since then and somehow became best pals with Brady. Honestly, I don't totally like Brady because he is friends with this ass clown. McDonough has been a jock sniffer for years, it finally paid off for him. Good for him, I guess.
— George Brett, Apr 25 2008, 1:27 pm

No, not that George Brett. Further down, we get this quote:

For anyone who is doubting how much of a douche will is let me assure you...he is a douche. Having not only graduated from BC w/this dbag i lived on his floor freshman year(cheverus 2nd for any doubters)....this kid sniffed more jock than george jung did coke. That's a fact. He is a douche, and will always be a douche....i now hate tom brady because he associates with this dbag.
— thekid, Apr 25 2008, 2:37 pm

And it goes on. So this is what we get from Boston Magazine: some writer looks up a blog post on Will McDonough, and then quotes the 12-year olds that comment there. Is that what print media has come to? Research that can be done in five minutes, taking quotes from 12-year old basement dwellars?

At INEPT, we go beyond print media. Way beyond. Instead of just cherry-picking the words from a few comments at barstool sports, we instead make up a comprehensive wordle of the reader response:

Wordle rules: Click on the image if it is too fuzzy

From this diagram, we get a much better sense of what people think of "Holley". Douche does stand out, you have to admit.

There's a lot more in the article. It is all pretty strange. Read the rest yourself, or better yet, don't. At least we learned one thing from the experience: use wordle.

Tin Foil On Your Head

2008-05-28T04:00:00.000-07:00

Boston (INEPT) - New sites are popping up left and right. Some are funny, some are lame. But all have this in common: They hate the New England Patriots.

The latest to join: the conspiracy-oriented Tin Foil On My Head. A wonderfully simple site with one goal in mind: getting your opinion on Spygate. Their mission statement:

And now we're told that Spygate is Over? Completely unacceptable! On his May 14, 2008 broadcast, Colin Cowherd on ESPN's "The Herd" challenged those conspiracy theorists who disagreed with the way the NFL is handling ... check that, concealing the New England Patriots SpyGate abomination, to set up a website entitled "TinFoilonMyHead.com" to voice our opinions. That's precisely what this is. If you object to how the current administration is rolling over for the Mighty New England Patriots and their asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, multiple championships. If you find it peculiar that the NFL has destroyed the Spygate tapes and levied penalties before seeing all of the evidence. If you're of the opinion that bending or misinterpreting a set of rules that are followed by every other team in the National Football League is the definition of the word cheating. Let your opinion be heard.

You may now be wondering: can anything inspired by Colin Cowherd really be a good idea? Well, maybe not. But we are willing to overlook this small blemish in what otherwise is an excellent calling.

Other gems from the site include:

Arlen: You've got our vote

And, less fortunately:

This movie sucked

The intro paragraph also includes some well thought out witticisms:

WE, a nation of tin foil hat wearing conspiracy theorists have been called to action. We are the internet surfing uber-geeks who believe the moon landing was staged on a Hollywood back lot. We are the disciples of Al Gore who actually purchased a copy of his DVD. We subscribe to the theory that global warming looms and will kill us all, just like a meteor ended the dinosaurs. We believe that the pyramids were built by aliens, that UFO's regularly abduct red-blooded, tax-paying Americans, and that the government is actively engaged in a multi-national cover up to hide the existence of extra terrestrial life forms. We are a nation of believers that watched the X-Files and understand that, "The Truth is out there."

What can we conclude from this prose? A number of thoughts come to mind:

This site is not serious. Which is likely the case, and if so, too bad.
The creator of the site is a good writer. Which makes us forgive the first point.
That we should all go watch Al Gore's movie. Because it is available in an environmentally-sound DVD case.

Al Gore DVD: When you toss it, it will degrade bio-sensibly

Pats Blog Roundup (Part 2): Actually Kind of Reasonable

2008-05-23T04:00:00.000-07:00

Boston (INEPT) - We have actually done it. We looked for weeks and weeks, with the thought that it might be possible. We weren't sure. But it does exist. Yes, my friends, there is actually a Patriot blog with an (almost) reasonable opinion about Spygate. From none other than our friends at Pats Pulpit, we have this article.

Pats Pulpit: Almost Sane

Entitled "Final Thoughts on You Know What", this piece actually is (almost) sane in discussing Spygate and its impact on both Pats fans and the rest of us. To begin:

Truthfully, Spygate has exhausted me. Writing about it has consumed me and frankly, I've grown a bit tired of it. From a ridiculous number of articles to too many press conferences, I've grown weary. I'm sure you've grown tired of reading about it, too.

Pulpit: You started on the wrong foot here. The reason you are tired is simple: your team cheated, and we are all talking about it. That is tiring for you; however, for us, it is invigorating. Trust us, we could talk about how you cheated all day long. And we will.

This lady is tired of Spygate, but not us

The article then quotes some sportswriters about the impact of Spygate. For example, Bob Ryan of the Globe writes:

Here is what Bill Belichick has done: He has placed Patriots fans on the defensive for the rest of their lives.

The sports community now associates the Patriots with cheating. The three Super Bowl championships are, and forever will be, under suspicion. The thought will never go away.

The amazing thing here is the Pats Pulpit response:

Not so easy to read, is it fellow Pats fans? It's a jagged little pill to swallow.

So instead of crying and whining about how Spygate is all rediculous, we have a fairly sane response. Well done, Pats Pulpit! You stand out from the crowd.

Bob Ryan gets it right (but looks drunk)

Peter King is quoted too, and, in nice words, says that Belichick is a liar:

It is inconceivable to me -- and, obviously, to Roger Goodell and former Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh, too -- that Belichick would misinterpret the rule about videotaping.

So at this point, Pats Pulpit is on fire, quoting two "respected" sportswriters who point out that (a) there has been permanent damage done and (b) Belichick is clearly a liar. So far, so good.

Unfortunately, Pats Pulpit couldn't quite keep it up. In a rather sad attempt to keep the story "fair and balanced", some quotes by players who take the Pats' side are included. First, they quote one of the worst QBs ever to lead a team to a Superbowl victory, Trent Dilfer:

I don't take one thing away from them. Not at all. I'd have zero bitterness toward them as an opposing player. The Patriots have been the best-coached, most-talented team of this era, and they deserve to be thought of that way.

Football players can be pretty dumb, and Trent Dilfer shows here how dumb he is. Who cares what Trent Dilfer thinks? If you want to ask players, take an anonymous poll of players who played the Patriots during the past few years. How many players do you think would say they had a problem with the cheating?

Trent Dilfer: Bad on the field, worse off of it
(p.s. this pass was picked off)

Football player stupidity is highlighted further by Luis Castillo:

I'd never, not for one second, put an asterisk next to what they've accomplished. This game can't be planned or orchestrated just because you might know what our defense is going to do on a particular play. Would it help? Of course. But it takes a lot more than that to win any games, and to win a Super Bowl.

Of course it takes a lot more than that. However, it helps. And in games that are won and lost on a few plays, it could make the difference. That is the point, Luis.

Pats Pulpit closes with a plea for us "rival fans":

Rival Fans - Please be patient with us. We are trying to work this out. Our knee jerk reaction will be to defend that which has brought us so many great moments, so give us a little breathing room. I certainly understand if you feel, in some way, like your team may have been cheated and would've had a shot if not for the taping. But, please excuse me if I think getting an edge through questionable practices is more prevalent than the NFL and other teams are willing to let on. It's what keeps me sane when thinking about this. It's not much, but it's what I have to cling to.

What is fascinating about this quote is that (a) it puts forth the lame notion that "well, everyone else is probably cheating, so it's probably ok to cheat" but then (b) admits that this is lame and "not much to cling to." Yes, Pats Pulpit, it is lame. And not much to cling to. So stop clinging. Cleanse your soul, by admitting that you too have been duped, that your team (and in particular, coaches) let you down, that your dominance was specious at best. You shouldn't be sad or exhausted. You should be mad. You have been lied to, like the rest of us. Your cheating coach has tainted your team, and that is what we will all remember about this fine and glorious team, the Patriots.

Welcome, New Haters

2008-05-21T04:00:00.000-07:00

Wisconsin (INEPT) - Here at INEPT, we like Dr. Seuss. Today, we paraphrase from one of our favorite Seussian stories, the Sleep Book. Of course, instead of sleep, we talk about our passion, Hatred:

Hatred's quite catching, you see. Like a cough.
It takes just one blog to start more Hatred off.

Seuss was talking about Yawns. We are talking about Hatred. But the point is clear: the movement is growing.

The Sleep Book Rules

Along those lines, it is our pleasure to welcome a new friend to the Hatredsphere, a blog succinctly titled Belichick Cheated. This new blog is in its infancy and thus needs your support. So far, some nice video links related to Goodell and Specter, and a great pointer to Easterbrook's article on ESPN. That article, by the way, is a must read for Haters (and frankly, non-Haters).

Easterbrook: A Must Read Article

The blog is run by the mysterious allCarry, who seems to also be affiliated with the equally-straightforwardly named Golf Blog. One of the posts from that site: OMG: John Daly, no shirt, no shoes, no nothin' and if that doesn't make you go check it out, who knows what will.

The link about Daly: OMG!

So a hearty welcome to our world of Hatred, brother/sister allCarry. May your Hatred last long, as well as your desire to post to your blog.

Other Patriot Blogs Also Suck

2008-05-20T04:00:00.000-07:00

Boston (INEPT) - Just in case you thought that this was the only Patriot blog that sucks (albeit an Anti-Patriot blog), look no further. It turns out that many other Patriot blogs suck, too. Whew! We thought it was just us.

From a May 14th (2008) post on PatriotsBlog.net, we have this rant about Arlen Spector. From the article:

Yeah, that’s right, I said it. And it’s true. This guy just won’t stop. Get over it. The Eagles lost thge Super Bowl. This is one of the most rediculous things I’ve heard.

Lesson 1: Use spellcheck. Avoids simple problems like "thge" and "rediculous". We admit that all bloggers should be allowed a few typos. But try a little harder in the opening paragraph, ok?

Nobody wants to see Specter speak, not even Patriots haters. Everybody is sick of this idiot. He has no idea what he is talking about. He is the perfect example of someone who tries to abuse his power.

Lesson 2: Be correct. If you read this blog, you will, for example, learn that there are people who want to "see Specter speak." They are called "fans" of other "teams." Why, you ask? Well, simple: we want to know how much you cheated, cheaters. Duh.

But this is absurd. I decided I finally had to speak out. I understand that this post is simply a rant, and a very controversial one, but I just can’t stand Specter’s ignorance.

Lesson 3: Be consistent (especially in the same article). First, we heard that "Nobody wants to see Specter speak," but now we learn that the post is "very controversial." Which is it? If everyone agrees with you, it is not controversial. Controversy occurs when people disagree.

So there we have it. One Patriot blog, one poorly made point. There are many more. In the coming days, we will tour the Patriot blogosphere, and see what those poor slobs are up to. It will be gruesome, yes, but it must be done.

Note to World: Boston Sportswriters Suck, Too

2008-05-18T05:00:00.000-07:00

Boston (INEPT) - Alert! Alert! Boston sportswriters suck, too! In our most recent episode, we have John Tomase explaining how he got it wrong when he claimed that the Patriots videotaped the Rams' walkthrough.

John Tomase: Profile in Idiocy

The basic mistake is explained here:

Two days before the Super Bowl, I finally believed I had it nailed that the Pats had indeed taped that walkthrough. I didn’t know what happened to the tape or if it ever found its way to the coaching staff, but I felt I had the basic story, and even though I didn’t feel great about going the anonymous source route, this one was ready for print.

Turns out I could not have been more wrong. I regret it, and that’s something I’m going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

What a moron. Some anonymous sources say a thing or two and this guy is off and running. The real story: for a moment Tomase aspired to be a "writer" and not what he is (or rather, should be), which is a "homer". No one wants their local sportswriter to do stuff like this, period. Tomase forgot the cardinal rule of sportswriting: you are writing to fans of the team! Idiot.

We also get to learn that Tomase is basically an incompetent journalist:

I should not have written the story without seeing the tape or getting multiple, firsthand confirmations from members of the organization.

Rephrase: I am a bad reporter, and don't know how to report (like most sports reporters). From now on, I will try to actually implement the lessons I learned in Journalism 101 class at Northeastern.

An interesting comment about Roger Goodell, chief Moron of the NFL, slips into the article:

I attended Roger Goodell’s state of the league address and asked him afterward if he had ever investigated allegations that the Patriots had filmed the Rams’ walkthrough. He said it was the first he’d heard of it, though a day later he’d release a statement saying the league investigated the rumor months ago and believed it to be unfounded.

Wow! A little bombshell in the middle of this pandering apology. One day, Goodell has never heard of the allegations. The next day, he claims he investigated the rumor months ago and didn't find anything. What can we conclude from this? Thus, either Goodell is quite forgetful, or has very little idea of what is actually going on. Kind of worrisome, no?

More Proof: Goodell is Clueless

Tomase then tries to outline a plan to win back the favor of Patriot fans:

What happens from here? I intend to continue covering the Patriots to the best of my abilities, and that means pursuing every storyline, good or bad. I have relationships to mend within the organization and with my readers. The process of regaining your trust will not be an easy one.

Rephrase: I will now become the homer reporter you always wanted, instead of a pretend journalist with aspirations of Woodward and Bernstein. I will never watch All the President's Men again. If there is a story that sounds bad, I will not write it or even think about it. You will see a lot of puff pieces from me.

Never again, Tomase.

And the final sad appeal:

On Feb. 2, I let you all down. Today I hope to begin the long road back.

What he is really saying: please don't make the paper fire me. Please!

A man begging for his job. However, this man weighs much less than Tomase (and most sportswriters)

So what have we learned? The major points:

Tomase is an idiot. If I lived in New England, and valued my life, and was a sportswriter, and had some semblance of a brain in my head, I would never write an article. Thus, Tomase either is planning on moving, has a death wish, or lacks in some categories upstairs.
Sportswriters suck. Coming as no surprise, sportswriters are even worse journalists than most writers. The mistake Tomase made was to aspire to greatness by writing a "hard hitting" story. He should know better. You write about sports for a living, Tomase! Keep it simple, happy, and (usually) true.
Goodell is clueless. Again, no surprise. Roger Goodell doesn't know what is going on, and doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to get to the bottom of things, and unless the Senate does, we will never know how much or often the Patriots cheated.
Tomase has provided vindication for New England fans. The real sad part of this story is that it gives Patriot fans something to point and say "Hey! We told you so. The media is out to get us, and is likely wrong. And look at what a bunch of clowns they are!" All of which is too bad, because it obscures the real fact that New England has been cheating for years and it obviously has given them a tremendous advantage in that time.

Walsh: The Aftermath

2008-05-16T08:21:00.001-07:00

New York (INEPT) - A great article from the N.Y. Times recapping Walsh's comments on spygate. Some choice quotes:

In an interview with The New York Times on Wednesday, Walsh disputed several statements given by Coach Bill Belichick, who has insisted that he misinterpreted the league’s rules and described the impact of the tapes as minimal, telling The Boston Globe in February that the value of the tactics rated as a 1 on a scale of 1 to 100.

“We live in a country that’s very forgiving, if you come out and admit the mistake that you’ve made,” Walsh said. “In saying that, ‘I misinterpreted the rules,’ he didn’t come across to me as being culpable for the actions he had taken. It seemed a little arrogant.”

Arrogant? Yes. But we have another word for it: Lying. And what about the fact that old Bill claims he wouldn't even recognize Walsh?

He said he was surprised when Belichick told The Globe that he could not pick Walsh out of a lineup. Walsh remembers specific conversations the two had, including a running joke about the book “Friday Night Lights.” Belichick has long been noted for his memory, and upon seeing Walsh reading the book a second time, he joked about Walsh’s not having finished it.

Walsh still has a sweater — charcoal, V-neck, sleeves intact despite Belichick’s propensity for cutting them off his own sweatshirts — given to him at Christmas in 2001 from Belichick and his wife, Debby. When people have asked Walsh about Belichick saying he did not know him, Walsh says, “Well, could he pick me out of one of the three team pictures we were in together?”

Hmmm... our analysis reveals: Bill is lying again! As for how important it was:

“The information we were gathering was meant to help us the next time we played a team,” Walsh said. “If it was 1 out of 100, we probably wouldn’t have felt the need to do it as often as we did. Or go to the lengths we did to ensure getting the film.”

And we also get to learn why Charlie Weis is such a big failure at Notre Dame:

After filming opponents’ signals, Walsh would edit the tape or deliver the original to Adams. Walsh said a quarterback — he declined to say whom — would learn the signals, and the next time the Patriots played that team, the quarterback would relay that information to Weis, who would use the coach-to-quarterback communication system to send the information to the field.

No more tapes, Charlie! Which gives us the thought: Notre Dame should sue the Patriots. Their actions led them to believe that Weis could actually coach. Now, look at how much money they are hemorraghing. Thanks, Patriots.

Charlie: Tapes Make Playcalling Fun

We also get a sense of how the Patriots worked the system:

The Patriots then opened the regular season against the Buccaneers. Walsh said this was the first time he had seen quarterback Drew Bledsoe operate a no-huddle offense when not in a two-minute or hurry-up situation.

In the week after the game, Walsh said he asked a quarterback — again, he declined to name whom — how helpful the signals were. Walsh said the quarterback told him “probably about 75 percent of the time, Tampa Bay ran the defense we thought they were going to run — if not more.” (Bledsoe was the Patriots’ starting quarterback in 2000. The other quarterbacks on the roster were Tom Brady, Michael Bishop and John Friesz.)

Which leads us to our last (and perhaps only) point: Walsh basically says that Brady, Bishop, or Friesz knows more about what was going on. On the other side, we have the NFL (through their head apologizer, Roger Goodell), saying "I don't know where else I would turn." Now, somebody help me out here: has the NFL gotten Brady, Bishop, and Friesz to testify about what they did? Seems odd, doesn't it?

Brady, Bishop, Friesz: What do you have to say?

What is pretty clear from all of this: the NFL wants Spygate to go away. If it does, they can just say: it happened, but we penalized it, and now it isn't a problem anymore. Let's move on.

Spector: Our last hope for the Truth (note American Flag in background)

But if it doesn't, and if our hero Arlen Spector gets a hold of some of these other (in some case, former) players, or former coaches, and puts them under oath, something else might happen. What is now an asterisk may become a call to take down those banners, to reclaim those rings.

A Culture of Cheating

2008-05-14T07:03:00.000-07:00

New York (INEPT) - So, for now, it ends. Commissioner Goodell, chief bumbler in this misnomer of an "investigation", summarizes with this statement:

"I don't know where else I would turn."

You don't? Well, gee, Roger, you must have tried hard. After all, you tried to brush this all under the rug until the Senate got involved. So please excuse us if we don't feel overly assured by your lack of creativity in getting to the bottom of what may go down as one of the worst coaching scandals in the history of sports.

Goodell: Not exactly Columbo.

Let us recap. Belichick, a rather resounding failure in Cleveland. Belichick, so smart (he thinks), that he should be a success in the league. He just knows it. How to get an edge? How to get past yet another mediocre season, yet another failed attempt at being the best? Then he read a famous book by Dr. Seuss (yes, we are speculating). From the Grinch:

"The he got an idea, an awful idea,
Belichick had a wonderful, awful idea."

Grinch: He also had an awful idea.

The answer was simple, and consistent with everything we now know about this boring, miserable, failure of a man. It is not about how you play. It is not about integrity, of the game, of the players, of the coaches. It is about one thing: winning at all costs.

Once you decide it is about winning and only winning, everything comes into clear focus. What do you do when you see a player suddenly bulk up? Easy; you look the other way. What do you do if you find out somebody is jamming signals of the opposing team? Easy; you look the other way. And what do you do if your coaching is good, but not great, not Superbowl-winning coaching? Easy. You cheat.

Belichick: You are just like Italian Soccer, Boring and a Cheat.

These are the guidelines to living in the Culture of Cheating that Belichick and friends have so carefully developed. Before we knew the truth, they were celebrated. But now, with facts in hand, History in all her glory will do what only History can: place these achievements in their proper light. A Tainted Dynasty. Winners, but not in the usual sense of the word. Liars. Cheaters.

The ironic result of the entire affair: there is now a large cloud cast over every single thing that the Patriots have done over the past years. Let us review:

Patriots: A clutch team that wins close games. Think about how many tight games were won during the three Superbowl wins. Clutch, right? Maybe. But in light of cheating, we have a problem: if videotaping gives just a "slight" edge, a close win might have turned into a close loss. Just one blowout Superbowl victory might have done the trick here. But winning by 3, 3, and 7 doesn't quite lift the cloud.
Coach Belichick: Hard to beat his team the second time around. What used to be the mythos that surrounded Belichick and his "genius" coaching was that he would figure you out, and the next time he played you, win (even convincingly). How does that look now? Would he be so great without the tapes? Ask the Giants. They played the Pats twice last year. I think the second time turned out OK.
Patriots: A team full of "overachievers" that no one else thought was good enough or fast enough or young enough. Turns out they weren't good enough, fast enough, or young enough. What they were: pumped full of steroids or HGH or who knows what else. What they were: coached (through cheating) to be in the right place at the right time.

The sad thing: it does not seem that any of the cheaters actually learned a lesson. Belichick, famously: "I misinterpreted the rules." What do you mean, you can't do HGH? I thought you meant you can't get "HiGH", so we stopped smoking dope. What do you mean, you can't jam the other teams signals? I thought you meant no cornerback jamming beyond five yards. Another example of how little they learned: here is the Patriot team response to the Walsh investigation:

We hope that with Matt Walsh's disclosures, everyone will finally believe what we have been saying all along and emphatically stated on the day of the initial report: 'The suggestion that the New England Patriots recorded the St. Louis Rams' walk-through on the day before Super Bowl XXXVI in 2002 is absolutely false. Any suggestion to the contrary is untrue.'"

Wow. They completely deny taping the walk-through. Do you deny cheating for the entire time Belichick has been coach at New England? Not so much. Do you even deny getting some info from the walk-through? No. But you didn't tape it. Congratulations, jerks.

We are reminded of the ending of the Grinch tale, too. You see, Belichick should have read all the way to the end of the story. In it, the Grinch saw the error in his ways:

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
The Grinch carved the roast beast!

Redemption is only found when a lesson is learned, when a mistake is admitted, when new paths are forged and old rotten habits left behind. This is not the path the Patriots have chosen. Rather, they choose denial, they choose misinterpretation, but we all know the result: their hearts are still two sizes too small. And no, Bill, you can't carve the Roast Beast.

No Roast Beast for Bill

Here He Comes

2008-04-23T17:06:00.000-07:00

Wisconsin (INEPT) - Here he comes. None other than Matt Walsh. And he will be telling all in a tell-all we'd all like to be told about. From ESPN:

Former New England Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh, who has told ESPN.com he has potentially damaging information about the team's taping practices, reached an agreement Wednesday to meet with league officials and turn over any videotapes he might have to support his allegations.

What will he say? What will he prove? What will be on the tapes? And, more interestingly, what will we all say when Belichick and friends deny that they asked Walsh to make those tapes, that he did it "of his own volition?"

Walsh: Man, Myth, or Legend?

That is our claim: the word "volition" will be used a lot. Yes folks, volition.

In case you haven't been paying attention, Matt Walsh is now a golf pro in Hawaii. He has also worked in bobsledding. Just think of it: the entire Patriot dynasty brought down by a golfer/bobsledder dude. It could only be worse if he was also a professional bowler.

Professional Bowling Tour Beware: Here Comes Walsh

Coming soon: Draft fun, schedule mockery.

South Park Destroys Belichick

2008-04-15T20:12:00.000-07:00

Wisconsin (INEPT) - Sorry I missed this when it came out. But in case you did too:

And then this:

And finally:

Full clips here.

"I misinterpreted the rules! I misinterpreted the rules!"

"What do they call cheaters who win? Savvy."

Coming soon: Draft Preview. Also known as: how did those jerks get to keep the #7 pick???!!!

More Mailbag

2008-03-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

Wisconsin (INEPT) - It is that time of year. March Madness, Frozen Four, and a tradition unlike any other, the Masters. Why can't it just be a tradition that is like other traditions? We can only wonder.

Football is an agonizing number of months away. But you, dear Reader, cannot be stopped. No, your mail flows in, unabated. And we find that, for your sake, we must answer. What would you do without our words of wisdom and healing?

Sarah mailed us. Not this Sarah, probably. (that is Sarah Connors from the TV show, Terminator. It is an awesome show)

Today, we consider a letter from Sarah, a young but impressionable fan of this site:

I emailed earlier but I had one question: Do you think it's abnormal that I now have a crush on everyone I meet named Eli? (I am a girl, so it's not disturbing, but is it abnormal?) -Sarah I.

Dear Sarah,
Of course, this is abnormal. But then again, you are reading a blog about deeply-felt and passionate Hatred for a football team. So consider it redundant.

That said, here at INEPT, we try to help our Readers as much as possible. Thus, here are some other Elis you might consider in your crushing.

Eli Stone: Please Cancel

Eli Stone is a TV show about a guy who gets a tumor in his head and switches from being an asshole lawyer to being a good-guy lawyer. Apparently, only cancer makes lawyers have a conscience. Or, bad TV shows. Whichever way, this is one Eli to look out for.

Eli Wallach: Awesome as a mean Mexican dude

For those of you too young to recognize this fine actor, it is none other than Eli Wallach. He has been in so many movies it is sick, but of course we remember him best in the flick that defines Spaghetti westerns, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly. You may be wondering which of the three title roles he plays. Well, you guessed it: he plays Ugly. That is OK, though, because Eli gets most of the funny lines. Clint Eastwood just looks cool and does cool stuff, but isn't as funny as Eli.

Eli Roth: Horror Dude

Finally, we come to Eli Roth. He has been called the "crown prince of horror", but we know him better as "some guy who makes dipshit movies that only 15-year-olds see." Maybe not prime dating material, considering the main plot lines of his movies seem to involve cutting off lots of body parts.

So, dear Sarah, there you have it. You can crush on a fictional TV show guy, a real stud of an actor who just turned 83, or a punk director who will probably torture you before ending your life. Your call. Either way, none compare to our current football god, Mr. Manning the Junior:

Eli: You're still no. 1 with us, even if that is the wrong jersey

Mailbag!

2008-03-19T04:30:00.000-07:00

Wisconsin (INEPT) - Time for some more reader mail. Enjoy!

Hey man fellow New England Patriot hater
here just thought I should send
this pic to you maybe you have seen this already.
-Saul R.

Sorry, Kids

Sorry, kids. We hate to disappoint. But those T-shirts should be used for a number of other things other than wearing. For example, cleaning up a mess, or burning. Thanks Saul!

From a lover:

Whats up Hater -- thought the site was a blast.
I'm adding a section of Hatriot links to my site
NE Patriots Draft and you are #1 in the links.
Congrats. Any link love that you could send
my way would be great. Keep up the good
(however misguided) work.
-James

Dear James: Finally, a Lover who gets it! There is no need to hate us. Just embrace that for every fan, there is an anti-fan. It is like Newton's Third Law, but applied to football fandom. You can't change laws of nature! Thus, we are honored to link to this fine New England site. See the sidebar for them and others.

And another:

Dear Hater,
Love the site. Please keep it up
during the offseason!
-Anon

Dear Anon, alas, we cannot keep up the Hatred year round. It is too much for any one man to support a deep passion such as this 365 days a year. Thus, we are on hiatus until August or so. But then, something special begins. As the news of New England greatness begin to roll in, as the prognosticators and pundits start to pick the Patriots for perfection (again), The Hatred begins to simmer. It begins to boil. And soon, you will have another explosion of Hatred to fill your football season. Until then, sporadic posting, at best. And one more thing, too: T-shirts. There is never a bad time to buy T-shirts. Enjoy!

18-1: Available in your favorite team colors (Giants, Colts, Jets, Steelers, Dolphins, Bills, Chargers)

What better to wear to the next game against the Patriots your team plays?

Boston: Hatin' on Belichick Too

2008-03-06T04:47:00.001-08:00

Boston (INEPT) - A recent article in the Boston Globe talks about what a baby Belichick is. How quickly they turn on you. Only one word comes to mind when we think of Boston fans hatin' on Belichick: appropriate.

Belichick: Even Boston Hates You

Some choice quotes from the article:

The only reason Boston sports fans have put up with Belichick's act is because he's won, not because they like him. But now it's been three years since his last championship, and, the Spygate scandal aside, his sourpuss act is starting to feel like the nauseating will-they-or-won't-they bedroom drama between Sam and Diane. Enough already.

Other than the dated reference to Cheers, this tidbit hits the spot. Further:

Here, the fans make the games, the fans drive the excitement level, the fans generate the buzz before and after each event. And those fans deserve better than "Well, we're disappointed," which is all Belichick could muster when asked by Fox's Chris Myers what he could tell his team after its shocking 17-14 Super Bowl loss.

We're disappointed. He could have also said, "We're sad", or even something clever like "We're tired, and hungry. We could have used some Chunky soup!" Let us say it here first: how awesome would it have been had Belichick turned his moment of ultimate defeat into a multi-million dollar ad campaign for Campbell's soup? Let us answer: very awesome.

New England: Needed some Chowda

The final gem in this article comes in the next to last paragraph. It is a simple argument, but it is devastating:

There has been talk lately of comparing the Patriots of this decade to the Yankees of the late 1990s, two teams that kept on winning and that fans around the country eventually turned on because they got tired of seeing the same team on top. But it's a flawed argument. The Yankees had Joe Torre leading them, as classy as they come and impossible to hate.

Wow. At this point, one has to wonder if editor Doug Most values his life. To tell Boston fans that Belichick should grow up is one thing. But to compare the Patriots to the Yankees, and then have the Yankees come out on top in the comparison, well, that is suicidal. Run, Doug, run! Call witness protection! Be careful, for you have committed the cardinal sin of Boston reporting: saying something positive about the Yankees.

Yankees and Joe Torre: Classier than Belichick. Ouch!

Of course, Doug Most is partly wrong here. You can hate the Yankees. We certainly do. At least we did, when they used to win. That might raise a concern: are we just fair-weather Haters? Will we only keep Hating if the Patriots keep on winning? No worries there, dear Reader. Win or lose, rain or shine, we will keep Hating. Superbowl victory or failure to reach the playoffs, we will keep Hating. Simply put, we will keep hating the Patriots until they pry this blogging laptop out of our cold, dead hands.

Heston, Us: Very Similar, except he uses a gun

Update: As you all know, it is the off-season for Hatred. Expect many fewer posts, with even less insight than during the season, if that is possible. Occasional posts may celebrate various free agent and draft activities, but really, it all gets going again in August. See you then.

The Hatred Is Spreading

2008-02-21T19:13:00.001-08:00

Wisconsin (INEPT) - And we thought we were original. But Hatred in all its glory takes front stage at the electric website TruthAboutDuke.com, a collection of all things negative about those snobs from the "Harvard of the South."

Duke Hatred is Spreading: They Even Sell T-Shirts!

Some choice fun from this marvelous place:

The Random Quote Generator. When I went there, I got this gem: "Before losing to UNC in 1989, the student body, referring to Carolina's star center J.R. Reid, raised a sign that read, 'J.R. Can't Reid This.' The same statement was chanted, even though Reid was actually a quite intelligent and scholastically accomplished student athlete. This is the stuff of class?

Dean Smith was badly troubled by the latter incident, which he understandably construed as a racial slur. Because Coach Smith had also recruited two of Duke's big men, Christian Laettner and Danny Ferry, he coincidentally knew what these players scored on the SAT. In a press conference, he rebutted the crowd's baseless innuendo by explaining that J.R. Reid and frontcourt mate Scott Williams accomplished a higher combined SAT score than did Laettner and Ferry, both white. Smith took pains to avoid disclosing any specific scores, nor did he provide any individual comparisons. In response, the same group that slanderously labeled Reid illiterate berated Smith for his audacity in disclosing the completely true, but purportedly 'private,' information of its players. "

Lots of Photoshops. Too many to choose from. My favorite:

The Rat Indeed

The AntiDook Manifesto. We all love manifestos. Who doesn't? But this manifesto is a riveting read for those who've ever born animosity to those Cameron Crazies and their unloveable hoop squad. Here is some fun about the Duke tendency to flop to draw a charge: "Perhaps the biggest reason for the disparity in foul totals is the outrageous manner in which game officials apply the ever-subjective offensive foul rule. You know the scenario: An opposing player blows by a slower Duke defender while being closely guarded thirty feet from the basket. As the player races to the hoop for a lay-up, another Duke player jumps into his path, often while the offensive player is in the air, deliberately causing a dangerous collision near the basket. The late arriving defender falls over backward, arms flailing, with a melodramatic shriek. As sure as the sun sets in the West, one of the three game referees will run to the scene, often from far out of position, hand clasped behind his head, whistle sounding loudly, all with Krzyzewski's pumping fist signaling his approval in the background. Of course, when the opposition attempts to return the favor, the call is just as surely a block or, at best, a no call."

All we need to hear is that Coach K. has been taping other teams' practice sessions. That would be perfect.

Spygate Continues: As we all know, and as INEPT predicted, Spygate continues to have legs. Not legs like those below, but legs.

Not legs like this

From a recent article in the NY Times, entitled New Claim of Taping Emerges Against Patriots:

The Patriots’ pattern of illicitly videotaping the signals of opposing N.F.L. coaches began in Coach Bill Belichick’s first preseason with the team in 2000, a former Patriots player said. The information was put to use in that year’s regular-season opener against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Belichick’s debut as New England’s coach.

One way Patriot fans hope to squirm out of this is by saying that the rules were vague. Just to clear that up, here is Jeff Fisher, Titan coach and Rules Committee Member:

“The rules are very, very clear,” said Tennessee Titans Coach Jeff Fisher, a committee member. “There is no need to be more specific or clarify any rules whatsoever.”

The funny thing for us here at INEPT is how often Patriot fans used to point to Belichick's genius, in particular his ability to beat a team/quarterback the second time he faces them. Well, I wonder how often that claim will be put forth now? A lot easier to win, Bill, when you have the tapes, huh?

Random Hatred, Mockery, Etc.

2008-02-05T18:07:00.000-08:00

Top Ten, Baby: CBS Top Ten New England Patriot Excuses

10. What? It's best of seven
9. Too much pre-game chowder
8. Since when is that dude allowed to catch a ball with his head?
7. Terrified by that Fox football robot
6. Everything was fine 'til Dr. Phil decided to straighten us out
5. Should have campaigned harder in Florida
4. Entire team stayed up late the night before watching Hannah Montana concert movie
3. Exhausted after spending hours consoling a weepy Terrell Owens
2. Thought game was supposed to be played on Super Tuesday
1. Airline lost our 'roids

19-0 merchandise: Too brutal. Amazon, sorry about this not working out:

19-0 Book Cover Shot: Tom is still shouting, just for different reasons.

Also, apparently the Patriots are finally doing some good for the world. According to this story:

Shirts, sweatshirts and hats, all printed with the Patriots as the Super Bowl winners, arrived at the World Vision warehouse in Sewickley on Tuesday.

Many of the shirts say "19-0" -- a reference to the Pats' quest for a perfect record. Instead, the Giants' victory ended the AFC champions' season at 18-1.

The losers' gear will be packed and sent to third-world countries by World Vision, which works to improve the lives of poor children in more than 100 countries.

The poor people of these countries will thus be wearing "19-0" shirts around, thus cruelly mocking a team they may never have heard of.

INEPT apologizes to all poor people who can't fork over $15 or so for one of these fine shirts:

T-Shirts: Not for free, sorry! Buy one here!

Odd Shakespearean Stuff: NPR shouldn't do it football. Really, they shouldn't. But they did. Some selections:

The Players: Sideline Wench, a reporter for the Duchy of Fox; Kornheisercranz, herald; Wilbonstern, herald; Brady, a fair-haired boy; Eli, a boy; reporters, bloggers, correspondents, cameramen, soundmen, hangers-on, sycophants, small children throwing rose petals.

It gets worse:

Wilbonstern: But look now, who approaches from yon other way?
'Tis young Eli, who seems, in his manner, yet a boy,
No match for such a paragon as the dauntless Brady.

Paragon, my ass. But "Kornheisercranz" was more on the mark:

Kornheisercranz: 'Tis so, he is yet more Manning than man,
But the football blood that fills that callow vessel
Is as royal as Brady ever bought to his captured throne.
Eli is the seed of the sainted Archie
And thus branch from the same tree as Peyton,
He, who made stallions of Colts but twelvemonth past.
Mayhap the lad can, with a pigskin, find the same mark
Little David did when bookies of yore favored huge Goliath.

Goliath: 18 wins, and 1 deadly stone to the head. David wins! I always thought Kornheiser was better than Wilbon, even before the heart attack.

Interview: Another interview with our buddy t.k. The questions:

1. Giants win super bowl 42: Shocking or Expected?
2. The Patriots dynasty will crumble because many Patriots will be leaving and retiring.
3. The Giants have a shot at repeating next season?
4. The Better QB: Eli or Peyton?
5. THe Best playoff QB of all time.

Answers here. We'll probably do an interview with t.k. sometime, so we can figure out who he is exactly.

Mathematica: A mathematical view of the Patriot season:

The Mathematics of Imperfection

Those F***ing Patriots: A nice clip from the YouTubes. Found here, pointed out to us by Patriot Hater Dave H. Enjoy!

The Giant Drive

2008-02-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

Arizona (INEPT) - As we bask in the glow of the Giant upset, we here at INEPT have decided to relive this past game in all of its gory detail. We begin with what will from now on be known in Superbowl lexicon simply as this: the Drive. Move over, Elway.

Our Graphical Depiction of Giant Drive (Click on picture to enlarge). Play-by-play here.

The graphical depiction shows the beautiful drive, unfolded in time (vertical) and space (horizontal). Two minutes and four seconds of blood, sweat, and at the end, Plax's tears. So many turning points, each of which could have changed the outcome. As much as we would like to believe it, the win was not inevitable. Because of that, though, it is sweeter. This victory was earned.

It began so simply: a pass threaded to the sure-handed Amani Toomer. 11 yards, first down. So many last-minute drives fail to even get that initial first down. Right off the bat, we can see, there is fight in these Giants. Eli is not rattled; rather, he is preternaturally cool. The only problem (as you can see in the graph above): time is ticking. Already, thirty precious ticks, gone.

Easy E: Cool from the Start

Trouble begins brewing. Two quick incompletions (both hoping to connect with Burress), and we are at the two-minute warning. Third down. Tension is high. The evil team, just two plays away from perfection, and Hater Nation, two plays away from endless agony.

But Eli is up to the task. He zips a pass to Toomer, who catches it, falls, and is quickly touched by Rodney HGHarrison. But, Toomer didn't make it. Another test coming: 4th and 1. In come the heavies. Jacobs in the backfield. Everyone knows who is getting the ball. If Belichick had videotapes, he might even know the exact play call. But he doesn't. The ball is hiked, Jacobs plunges forward. He falls. And he converts. First down!

Jacobs: Needs one, gets two.

Eli scrambles for five, nearly losing the ball in the process. Another moment where the game could have turned. Another sign: the Football Gods might be on the right side (finally). If that play didn't convince of you that divinity favored the team from New York, the next two will. These two plays are the turning point of the drive, the game, the season, and history. Two little plays, one Giant outcome. Here we go.

The Football Gods: Fickle, but Just.

2nd and 5. Eli throws a bad pass out to the right side. Did the receiver run the right route? Was it a bad throw? We might never know. What we do know: the ball was in Asante Samuel's hands. In his hands. If he catches it, game over. If he catches it. If. The ball slips through his hands. The game continues.

Asante "Butterfingers" Samuel

Now play number two. Of course, by itself, this play will live on in football lore. This play, so special, amazing, spectacular, miraculous, that it will have its own name. Thus, we name it: the Catch. Sorry, Dwight, it was that good.

What used to be the Catch; sorry, Dwight.

You know the play by now. So ridiculous, in fact, that there are two components. First, Eli avoids three different Patriots, somehow stumbling his way to freedom. He will not be tackled, he will not be denied. A sack, and it's fourth down and a ways to go. But no sacks are to be found here. Instead, Eli scrambles away, and flings one up there. It soars ...

Eli: Tackle me? No thanks. I'd rather chuck it downfield.

The second part is the stuff of pure legend. The hero: little-used received David Tyree. The foil: none other than Rodney Harrison. The ball wobbles through the air. They leap. Tyree grabs it, but experienced, (artifically) strong, all-pro Rodney gets his arm in there and rips. Rodney has Tyree's arm, Tyree's right arm and head have the ball. How does he hang on? As he hits the ground, he puts his other hand back on it, securing the ball. An unbelievable, how in the world, what the F---? catch. In a moment, the game changes. The Giants are now threatening. But threatening doesn't win games -- they have to get in.

How did Tyree do this?

We know how the Patriots have excelled here. Against a strong Chargers team just two weeks ago, numerous red-zone stops turned touchdowns into field goals, turned defeat into victory. They have done it many times. Would they today?

Trouble: Brewing one last time. In the picture, replace coffee with Trouble. Then, it works.

Despite the Catch, the Giants get into third and long again, thanks to a sack and an incomplete pass. But a new hero emerges. Rookie Steve Smith catches a quick pass towards the sideline, keeps his balance, and side-steps towards the marker. He leans: first down!

Smith: Converts

So here we are. It started off on the Giant 17, but now it is on the Patriot 13. First down. This is where Belichick and friends usually shine. But no more tapes, now, Bill. Just your guts. And your generous, wonderful, red-hoodied gut was telling you: blitz.

Red-hoodied Belichick's Gut: Blitz!

At the line, Eli smiled the smile of a Cheshire cat. Looks like Blitz, he is thinking. Where is Plax? Single with Hobbs. Eli is almost too anxious, almost too excited. Come on and blitz! Blitz! Bring it! Bring it, and we will score. Bring it, and we will win. Bring it, Eli implores. They bring it.

Patriots bring it...

Earlier in the game, in the walk-through, Eli is tossing seen tossing fades to Plaxico. Wobbly, slow, knee-hurting, high-ankle spraining, Superbowl-predicting Plaxico. Each pass falls gently into Plax's hands, a simple yet portentous audition. This is just like the walk-through, just like those many hours of practice. Eli lofts it, Plaxico fakes a slant, turns outside, and cradles the lofted pass. They brought it, Eli threw it, Plax caught it. The Drive, now over. The game, nearly so. And history, sweet record of what has happened, will write: these Giants won the game.

Plaxico cradles Victory

So there it is. So many points where things could have gone wrong. So many chances for 19-0. Instead, we are left with 18-1. And that, dear Haters, sounds like perfection to us.

18-1: The Perfect Ending. Celebrate with a T-shirt!

Coming soon: Some new thoughts on all that is wrong with Patriot nation, and why this loss might have more impact than they would like to let on.

More lolcatz... er... dogz

2008-02-04T11:07:00.000-08:00

Loldogz: Somebody sent me this:

Loldogz

Somehow, I can't stop laughing.

Mercury Morris: If there was a downside to the Patriots loss (hard to imagine), it was that we have to hear quotes from the '72 Dolphins. Mercury Morris, at his best (and worst):

I'm very humbled at what the Giants were able to do as underdogs, realizing that on any given Sunday, anybody can beat anybody else, except in 1972.

Man, those guys are pricks. It won't be long until somebody starts I Hate The 1972 Miami Dolphins, an even worse blog than this one. I can't wait until all of those old guys die.

Mercury Morris: Jail made him clever-er.

Coming soon: The slow process of enjoying each and every aspect of that most delicious game. First up: The Drive. Sorry, Elway, your Drive is now just a footnote of history.

And finally, the Ridiculous: Just one picture to look at. Amazing:

Manning: Elusive? Tyree: Head-catching Stud

Die-Nasty

2008-02-03T19:11:00.000-08:00

Arizona (INEPT) - Words fail us. But T-shirts don't. Buy one while they last! (Thanks to GiantsFaninNE for the suggestion)

18-1 and other T-Shirts: Click here to buy one!

An amazing game. An amazing end. Cheaters: Defeated. Tears in Plax's eyes, and a sweet sweet game winning catch in his hands.

Plax: Awesome

Can't say enough about Eli. Clutch. Clutch. CLUTCH!

Eli: Clutch

More tomorrow. Enjoy it, Haters. Enjoy it!

Spygate Continues

2008-02-02T08:19:00.000-08:00

Arizona (INEPT) - Despite the NFL's best efforts to squash the story (thanks Roger Goodell), the Spygate story continues to have legs. The latest is the appearance of Matt Walsh, the former video guru for the Patriots. Much to their displeasure, he has begun to talk. These quotes are from an excellent summary on ESPN (by Mike Fish).

Fact: A video guy has been with the team a long time. Quoting the article:
Matt Walsh worked seven years with the New England Patriots before being let go on Martin Luther King Day in 2003. He was on the New Orleans Superdome sidelines when the Pats kicked off their dominant run, upsetting the St. Louis Rams in the 2002 Super Bowl. He wasn't a chiseled athlete, but a go-getter who climbed his way up the team's support staff ladder -- first as a public relations intern, then as a video assistant and later, in his last year, a college scout.

Mostly, though, his years with New England were spent shooting football video.

Fact: The NFL doesn't seem to have done a very thorough investigation. Quoting again:

Walsh told ESPN.com that, in the wake of the cheating scandal that broke early in the season, he has never been contacted by NFL officials to inquire about his insight into the Patriots' illegal taping practices, which he says date back to his time with the franchise. Nor, he said, has there been any communication with the Patriots.

This news, plus the shredding of the evidence, confirms what many have felt: the NFL wants this to go away. But the truth has a way of coming out. Ask this guy.

Fact: Belichick has been cheating for a looooong time:

As for the prospect of Adams sharing insight into the suspicious practices, Walsh said: "You've got a better chance of him telling you who killed JFK than anything about New England. There are lots of stories there. He told me stories of things they used to do in Cleveland [where Adams assisted Belichick with the Browns]."
Yes, that's right, since Cleveland. Of course, you'd think that this might have convinced him that cheating doesn't help very much (overall record at Cleveland: 36-44)

Fact: ESPN is cheap, or chickenshit, or both.
Walsh said he is fearful of possible legal action against him by either the league or Patriots if he details what he knows. He refused to provide evidence of potential wrongdoing unless ESPN agreed to pay his legal fees related to his involvement in the story, as well as an indemnification agreement that would cover any damages found against him in court. ESPN denied his requests.

He [Walsh] said he fears the potential wrath of the Patriots, and their ability to tie him in up in court for an extended period of time. Although he stopped short of saying he has actual video evidence, he suggested he does; and so raised the possibility that it might be viewed as stolen property.
Nice work, ESPN. Get the story, dammit! That's what you all are supposed to do! Well, that, and make stuff up.

So, my Friends, the story has legs. It is not going away. And somebody is going to get this guy to testify. Maybe our buddy Arlen Specter. Maybe our idols over at the New York Post. Or maybe some rich, dedicated Hater who wastes countless hours reading this blog.

Spygate has legs. Not nice like Giselle's, but legs.

At least, we won't have to hear lame arguments like this anymore:

Go and check out SI. And then watch some ESPN. You'll probably learn something (as hard as it seems) along the lines of that they found NO footage of us cheating during the Super Bowl.

Might want to rethink that one, huh?

Update: Unnamed sources suck. But they feed the Hatred, and we are Hungry. This article from ESPN news service:

An unnamed source has claimed a New England Patriots employee secretly videotaped the St. Louis Rams' pregame walk-through the day before Super Bowl XXXVI, the Boston Herald reported Saturday.

According to the report, an unnamed source close to the team during the 2001 season said that following the Patriots' walk-through at the Louisiana Superdome, a member of the team's video staff stayed behind and taped the Rams' walk-through -- a non-contact, no-pads practice at reduced speed in which a team goes through its plays.

Cheating is in the blood, apparently.

Update II: Video report from Michael Smith:

One word: Wow.

Alternate theory: Belichick is the unnamed source. He thinks his team isn't ready to play. He remembers earlier in the season when everyone was pissed off and was playing better. Evil genius at work again, or just cheaters?

SuperBore Preview: Final Press Roundup

2008-02-01T12:11:00.000-08:00

From the incomparable New York Post:

The Patriots are suffering from premature exhilaration. The arrogant New England team has already applied for trademarks on "19-0" and "19-0 The Perfect Season." Three days before they beat the San Diego Chargers, and more than two weeks before Super Bowl XLII, the team egotistically filed paperwork with the US Patent and Trademark Office to cash in on sales of T-shirts, caps, posters and all kinds of Pats paraphernalia.

How humble. In honor of the Patriots, we decided to trademark a few other slogans. "19-0: But We Cheat", "19-0: We put the Ass in Asterisk", and "19-0: What we would have been if the f***ing Giants hadn't beaten us." The clever New York Post already paid $375 to trademark the best one of all: "18-1".

18-1 T-Shirts: Click here to buy one! Royalties to the NY Post?

Gregg Doyel of CBS Sportsline wants both teams to lose:

Seriously. If ever there was a Super Bowl in dire need of a double defeat, it's this one. New England and New York. Boston and Manhattan. The two whiniest, most arrogant, least likeable cities in America. The bad news is that one of them will win the Super Bowl. The good news? One of them will lose.

I don't like the Patriots. Not much about them, anyway. They have an igneous rock for a coach who doesn't chortle but does cheat. After both playoff games this year an opposing player accused a different Patriot of playing dirty. Rodney Harrison is an NFL-convicted drug cheat. But I do like Tom Brady. He's inhuman, and I respect that.

As much as we like the upstart Giants, double defeat would be fine by us.

Headlines after the double loss (use this to make your own!)

Turns out that SpyGate might be still alive. Our new favorite Senator, Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania, is asking why Goodell destroyed the tapes:

"I am very concerned about the underlying facts on the taping, the reasons for the judgment on the limited penalties and, most of all, on the inexplicable destruction of the tapes," said Sen. Arlen Specter, R-Pa., in a Thursday letter to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

Specter, the top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, said the matter could put the league's antitrust exemption at risk.

Arlen Specter, Hero

Why might have Goodell destroyed the tapes? Perhaps because he knew they would leak. And perhaps, when people saw them, they would be amazed by the extent of Belichick's cheating. Perhaps.

SI has their predictions for the game available. Most people picking in the way you would think. Unfortunately, one of the few guys picking the Giants is a writer named "Damon Hack." Somehow, we don't think this bodes well. Hack says:

Something about Tom Brady's ankle makes me nervous.

Is it the fact, Damon, that his ankle looks like this?

Brady's Ankles: They scare Hack, and the rest of us

Finally, Jim Trotter tells us about some curious traditions in the Patriot locker room.

Quarterback Tom Brady was having a tough afternoon. Through three quarters of the AFC Championship Game on Jan. 20, he had thrown more interceptions (three) than touchdowns (two) and the Patriots were struggling to separate themselves from the hobbled (but determined) Chargers. Needing a spark, New England did just what you would expect: It turned to a running back whose toughness and maturity were questioned late in the season when anonymous teammates left diapers in front of his locker (emphasis ours).

Picture of a Patriot Diaper. Warning to all others: Never search for Diapers on the internet. Trust us. Don't do it.

So some Patriots were sending our buddy Laurence Maroney a message. Maybe Tom had an extra diaper on him, and thought LM could use it. Unlike condoms: Tommy never carries extra condoms.

And don't worry, fellow Haters. Come Monday, we'll be back in pure adulation or utter dismay for the incomparable, incomprehensible, and otherwise inconceivable SuperBore Wrapup.

SuperBore Prediction

2008-02-01T04:33:00.001-08:00

Arizona (INEPT) - It has come down to this. One day. One game. The season of endless pain, finally at an end. Each week, a challenger has stepped up, and each week, the challenger has failed. Failed to make that one play, that crucial stop, that critical catch. Or, as in the case of Washington Redskins, those seven essential touchdowns and uncounted other plays that would have been required to win a game they lost 52-7.

Redskins: You stink

Sometimes, here at INEPT, we can sense a pending Patriot loss. Last year, with the heroic Colts at home in the Championship game, we predicted the outcome. And it happened. Can it happen again?

Colts defeat Patriots, 2007

Along the way this year, fate has seemed to conspire against us. Experienced teams and quarterbacks fell gently out of the playoffs (e.g., Favre and Manning losing), clearing the path for those Hated souls in blue and white. Where experience existed, injuries arrived, turning possible upsets into mind-numbing losses (e.g., the Chargers with Gates, Rivers, and LT hurt). What was the Gauntlet has turned into the perfect storm in the Patriots' favor.

The Perfect Storm: A Bad Movie

So we are down to Eminem time: we have one shot, one last opportunity to seize everything we ever wanted. Will the Giants capture it, or just let it slip? Eminem did it; can the Giants?

Giants: Seize your opportunity, or Brady's ankle

Do we believe in Karma? In the justness of the football Gods? If so, there may be no better way to set things right. In this year of cheating, what better way to punish those who do wrong by giving them nearly everything and then snatching it all away?

We had a dream the other night. Eli and the Giants on their own 20, with less than two to play. Score: 28-24, New England hanging on. A crossing route to Plax, a screen to Bradshaw, and they were moving.

Plax, then Bradshaw

A run up the middle by Jacobs, and a slant to Smith.

Jacobs, and Smith

An out to Plax; the Giants now in scoring range. Time ticking down. An incomplete pass, and another. A quick pass to Amani, short of the first. Fourth down, 10 ticks on the clock, one last play. One last shot.

10 seconds on the clock

The ball is snapped. Eli fades back. Patriot blitz, but the line holds. Eli lofts one to the corner, with Plax running under it. Samuel with good coverage. They leap ...

Plax leaps for the ball

In the dream, he catches it. In the dream, the final score: Giants 31, New England 28. In the dream, the season ends in the most fitting way possible. 18-1. Perfection: Denied. Cheaters: Didn't Prosper. Patriots: Victims of one the greatest upsets in Sports History. In the dream. Right now, that is all that it is. A dream. Come Sunday, we can only hope, it will become a reality.

Prediction: Giants 31, New England 28. Dreams do come true.

Dreams do come true. Ask Cinderella, MFers.

Mailbag

2008-01-29T12:04:00.000-08:00

Wisconsin (INEPT) - We are fortunate to receive a number of emails about our work, and thank all Readers who take the time and energy to send us their words of wisdom and encouragement. One reader writes:

i hope you fucking die.
- Jose Reyes (josereyes0@gmail.com)

Thank you, Jose, for your kind words. Basically, what he is saying is "I hope you are human like the rest of us. Because, you see, humans all die. Thus, by saying I hope you die, I am really saying I hope you are human too. That you have compassion for our team, despite your enmity." No worries, there, Jose. Despite the superhuman blog we have put together here, we are indeed human.

No worries, Jose: We are not superhuman

Someone on our staff points out to me that Jose may have had another meaning: that he actually wishes us ill-will. Though I have trouble believing that (Jose seems like a much nicer gent than that), let us assume it is a possibility. If so, I wish to post a correction. What you should have said, dear Jose, is "I hope you fucking die soon" or perhaps "I hope you fucking die painfully." You see, we all die. Death is a part of the game we all play. So if you want to say something more interesting to someone about their death, it needs to include (a) some indication that you wish for the death to happen in a timely manner or (b) some description of the manner of their death, or, better yet, both (e.g., "soon and painfully"). Since this letter included neither, I will assume that Jose meant no harm. Thanks again for the note, buddy!

Another reader writes:

We have an anti Pat's t-shirt that your readers might like. Tell them to put "hater" in the promo section, at check out, and we will send you $2 for every shirt sold. Mention it in your blog and the traffic could be great. We have a similar deal with Cubs Suck Club and we have sold many of our Cubs t-shirts. Check out our site www.notredone.com.

We like that others are also selling Hater T-shirts! It is becoming quite a business. That said, we don't like giving out free advertising (too often).

Other T-Shirts: Buy Ours Instead, or Both

We also receive the occasional interview request. Here is one set of questions we received from "t.k.":

1 - Why is the Main Stream Media obsessed with the Patriots?
2 - Do you buy Tom Bradys foot injury?
3 - One thing we should know about I hate the New England Patriots blog?
4 - Your favorite team?
5 - Do the Giants have a shot in Super Bowl 42?
6 - Your Super Bowl 42 prediction?

Our answers can be found here. Except for #6, that is. We will put up our prediction on Friday. You might have a guess as to whom we will be picking to win the SuperBore. Hint: it starts with G, and rhymes with Clients. But, it is spelled differently. Come on, you can figure this one out!

Hint: We Will Be Picking This Team To Win

Belichick Finally Finds Love

2008-01-29T10:11:00.000-08:00

Boston (INEPT) - It's finally happened. After years of frustration, failed relationships, and an otherwise unsatisfying personal life, Bill Belichick is in love. With none other than Tom Brady. From the press conference (archives available at the amazingly obsessive website all things bill belichick)

Question: Can you talk about what your relationship is like with Tom Brady and how instrumental has that been to the team's success?
Belichick: Well, I'm glad Tom's our quarterback. I love Tom. He's a great player and he's been a great leader for us. Did I tell you that I love him? He does so many things for our football team on and off the field and he's been a tremendous competitor, tremendous player. So privileged to be able to coach him, to love him, and have him on our team, and we meet on a regular basis, a couple times a week and I really I mean, I enjoy coaching him, enjoy loving him. He's a terrific player, especially to love.

Seriously, whether legal or not (depends on your state), man-love is fine by us. But we wonder: does Brady return the love? Looks like no is my guess.

Brady Has Eyes For Another

Perhaps this will cause a rift in the lockerroom?

Random: Seymour is a dirty player. Surprise! San Diego center Nick Hardwick:

"There are 10 [expletive] good players on that team, but Richard Seymour is a dirty, cheap, little pompous [expletive]," Hardwick told reporters after the game. "They've got 10 great players on that team and when Jarvis Green comes on the field, they've got 11 great players who compete how you're supposed to play.

"But Richard Seymour is the biggest [expletive] I've ever played."

For those of you in the guessing game, we are thinking the expletives are: fucking, shit, and asshole or shithead, in that order. Thus, the first sentence is a pretty nice compliment for the 10 other Patriots. Congratulations!

Richard Seymour is a big expletive.

Main Stream Media: Still Sucks

2008-01-27T04:22:00.001-08:00

Arizona (INEPT) - The media is at it again. Because there is nothing worthwhile to report (apparently) about the pending SuperBore, those poor writers of the Main Stream Media hope and beg for some player to say something that sounds somewhat insulting to some other players. This quote is what they got out of monster wide receiver Plaxico Burress:

"We have guys that can go out and do things just as well or maybe better than some of those guys," he said last week.

Wow, you have guys that can do things just as well or maybe better than some of those guys? (emphasis ours) Well, that is basically true by default. It is true, for example, if Plaxico Burress does something as well as the worst wide receiver on the Patriots. A harmless little statement, basically saying: "we have some pretty good players too." No big deal, unless you are the MSM. Then, you make stuff up, and put it in the headlines. Some examples:

Pats don't bite on Ex-Spartan star Burress' boast. From the Detroit Free Press. Nice work, Detroit. Maybe focus on criticizing the Lions, instead of making misleading headlines about a guy from MSU. Who are the Lions, you ask? They are a football team, kind of. Well, maybe one day.

Patriots respond to Plaxico Burress' boast, don't take Giant bait. From Hank Gola, of the New York Daily News. Gee, Hank, maybe you should try to help your guys win, instead of giving the opposition more motivation. Of course, later in the article, Hank admits, "Burress' comments don't necessarily qualify as trash talk, because he's right in one respect. There are certain things the Giants receivers do better, like beating the bump-and-run physicality the Packers threw at them." Too little, too late, Hank. Damage done. But nice use of the phrase "bump-and-run". That shows you have a high football IQ.

Burress: Giants WRs better. That is what the link to the same silly AP story says on ESPN's site. Well done, ESPN, you bastion of high-quality reporting. Maybe you should ask Kirk Herbstreit what his inside sources are saying. What's that? He thinks Les Miles is going to Michigan?! Wow!

Giants' Burress Says Giants As Good As Pats. This generically poor headline was put forth by the crack staff at WLBZ in Bangor, Maine. Please, Bangor, stick to what you do best. Like the American Folk Festival, and lobster. Mmmmm, buttery lobster.

So the MSM keeps stirring the pot, while basically nothing interesting is being said. The only good news: there is only one week left.

Press Roundup

2008-01-25T15:21:00.000-08:00

Arizona (INEPT) - The week before SuperBore is slow. It is boring. But the press keeps writing. We survey. Another incomparable service, brought to you by the crack staff here at INEPT.

Klosterman Immortality: Nice piece by Patriot Lover Chuck Klosterman over at ESPN. Basically, the Patriots would be more memorable if they lost. To wit:

If the Patriots win, they will just become this thing that scorched the earth for five months before capturing a trophy that was never in doubt. Future historians will describe this New England team as if it were a machine. Everyone will concede the Pats' superlative greatness, but the 19 wins will be just a collection of numbers. But if they lose -- especially if they lose late -- the New England Patriots will be the most memorable collection of individuals in the history of pro football. They will prove that nothing in this world is guaranteed, that past returns do not guarantee future results, that failure is what ultimately defines us and that Gisele will probably date a bunch of other dudes in her life, because man is eternally fallible.

Thus, for the first time, we hope that the Patriots do indeed become immortal, in the Klosterman sense.

Bootgate continues: The stories about Tom Brady's feet continue. Is he hurt? Is he practicing? Is he hanging out with Tony Romo in Mexico?

Brady: Off Camera, Left. Three Chicks asking him, "Do you play QB like Romo?"

From this article:

When drills began and receivers ran pass routes, it was backup Matt Cassel throwing to Randy Moss and No. 3 quarterback Matt Gutierrez passing the ball to Wes Welker.

Just the thought of Matt Cassel/Gutierrez playing in the game makes us smile.

Big Brother: Peyton chimes in on his brother. Basically, he thinks Eli will be in multiple SuperBores, and that they taught their dad how to text message. Maybe Dad should have taught him how not to choke in a playoff game -- oh yeah, he never played in one. Oddly, no mention of the DSRL:

DSRL, DSRL, I can't get your damn song out of my head

Dr. Z: Genius: Dr. Z is picking the Giants. And not just to win the DSRL. No, the SuperBore too. A choice quote:

I have a chance to settle an old score, right an old wrong, find peace in my old age and apologize, in sideways fashion, to those whom I wronged so many years ago.

The way to do all this is to pick the Giants to upset New England, and that's what I'm doing. Giants to upset the New England Patriots, currently favored by 12½, in the great stormfest known as Super Bowl XLII.

In 1968 I was the beat man, covering the Jets for the New York Post. I was around the team every day. I flew down with them to Miami for Super Bowl III and I stayed in their hotel, the Galt Ocean Mile in Fort Lauderdale. The Colts opened as 17-point favorites. By game time, the rush of Baltimore money had pushed the price up to 19½, one of the biggest line moves in Super Bowl history. They were calling the Colts The Greatest Team Ever, or at least the greatest on the defensive side of the ball. Their owner, Carroll Rosenbloom, thunderously echoed that sentiment.

I had a feeling about the Jets, not a strong one, but Joe Namath working against that strong side rotating zone? Gee, he'd never had trouble with it before. Could it be that ... ? Do I have the courage to ... ? Nah, I'll pick the Colts to win, but by under the spread. That'll make everyone happy. So I did and it made no one happy, least of all me when the Jets scored the biggest upset in Supe history. Who was happy? Leonard Shecter of the Post. He picked the Jets. I kicked myself for the coward I was. No longer. Today, I am a man.

Yes, Dr. Z, you are a man. At least in this blog's eyes you are.

Dr. Z: Genius

Draft update: The first of the draft boards are up at SI. Who do they have the Patriots taking with their number seven pick? Mike Jenkins, a cornerback from South Florida to replace the soon departed Asanta Samuel. Sounds good to us; we doubt whether that will even improve the team. What are the odds of a rookie being better than Samuel? And why didn't you take that draft pick away too, Roger "Destroyer of Evidence" Goodell? Wimp.

Goodell, Nixon. Both Crooks.

Truth is Stranger than Fiction: Moynahan Masks

2008-01-23T16:15:00.001-08:00

New York (INEPT) - Who said New Yorkers weren't innovative? Brought to you by the wacky radio folks over at Q 104.3 (click here to send Jim and Shelli a message!), a mask to cut out and wear to the SuperBore:

Moynahan Mask: Creepy

Cut one out, put it on, and get old Tommy thinking about all the wrong things during the famous game. Like child care, running out of cash at the condom store, and those empty unloving Bridget eyes.

Bootgate

2008-01-22T12:24:00.000-08:00

Arizone (INEPT) - SuperBore previewing begins with a bang, or perhaps, the sweet snap of metatarsals, as none other than Tom Brady was seen limping around New York. Looking for some Giants to befriend? No, dear Reader. Tommy is just looking for some Giselle-love after taking a beating from the field-goal-kicking, not-touchdown-scoring Bolts.

Brady: Limping with the Gis

Our crack staff here at INEPT has scoured its sources and uncovered numerous photos of Tom's feet. Brady is on record saying "I'll be ready for the Superbowl; I'm not worried about that". See the photos, and judge for yourself:

Pictures of Brady's Feet

We don't know about you, but something looks wrong to our untrained eyes. Any Haters who also happen to have medical expertise, please feel free to chime in.

Two Weeks of Torture: It Begins

2008-01-21T04:58:00.001-08:00

Arizona (INEPT) - Well, we couldn't imagine a worse way to end this football season. Our hating hopes were high when the season started, but each game has sapped our strength, weakened our will. And now, we must suffer two more weeks of pain, fourteen days of news chatter about the supposed greatest team of all time.

The Actual Greatest Of All Time

Regrets, we've had a few. If only the Bolts had been healthy. If only Peyton could have had the game his little brother had. If only Dwayne F-ing Northcut could catch a pass when it counts. If only the Patriots played in a division with actual opponents. If only the Ravens game had gone the way it should have gone. The list goes on. But at each turn, agony. Each opportunity, missed. A tragic season, nearly completed.

A Greek Tragedy Mask: We're Wearing One

While we have been working hard, NFL teams have been working harder, putting our plans into action. Two weeks ago, we predicted teams would stop Randy Moss - and they have. The result? A shorter game, with fewer chances for Patriot touchdowns. We asked the Bolts for QB pressure - and they delivered. The result? Three picks for Brady. But it hasn't quite been enough. A mountain, almost climbed. Close, but no cigar.

A Cigar: We Want One

So now it is down to this. A few weeks back, we asked for experienced QBs to step up in the playoffs and beat the Patriots. Instead, we have gotten Garrard, hurt Rivers, and now Manning Jr. But in life, you play the hand that is dealt. For two weeks, we will be Giants fans. We will wear Royal Giant blue, we will sing New York, New York. We will start spreading the news, and the news has only one headline:

Stop The Presses

We look to the history of sports for hope, and we find it. There was a time not too long ago, when two teams from these same towns met to make playoff history. One team: Hated by all, the unquestioned favorite, with an insurmountable lead. The other, the underdog, that kept fighting until the end. And we all remember what happened then:

Believe it: Patriots = Yankees, Giants = Red Sox

Yes, History happened. The Underdog won. Can the underdog win again? We have two unbearable weeks of waiting left, and then we will find out. Let the Superbore Previews begin!

San Diego: Keys to Victory

2008-01-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

Boston (INEPT) - It doesn't look good. The Chargers limp into this game (LT, Rivers, Gates) while somehow the injury bug continues to avoid the Patriots in these most desperate times. Life isn't fair. If it were fair, Brady would have lost a finger or two and Belicheat his head:

Life isn't fair: Belicheat still has head

But this is no time for complaining. Rather, it is time to strategize. Thus, we bring you the San Diego Keys to Victory, brought to you by The I Hate The Patriots T-shirt Shop. (Yes, we are sponsoring ourselves.)

Key #1: Rivers' Trash Talk. This dude is unbelievable. First, he trashes Jay Cutler. Then, he trashes some drunk fan in Indianapolis. Record in those games: 2-0. Who's next on his hit list? Inside information tells us that it is none other than Head Coach Bill Belicheat. Once Rivers gets inside his head, who knows what might happen.

Rivers: Dude can talk some smack

Key #2: LT's Knee. If there is one body part (other than Belicheat's head) that is critical to this game, it is LT's knee. Yes, Mr. Well-paid Backup did great last week. But LT is LT. If you want to spell "BoLTs Win" this week, you need LT.

These are not LT's knees

Key #3: Evolved Strategy. We brought you a blueprint. We laid out how Moss could and would be stopped. And it nearly worked. Moss was shutout. The problem: No QB Pressure. As Jacksonville safety Reggie Nelson said, "It was a dump-down game. Anybody can go 26-of-28 in a dump-down game." Without pressure, Brady will throw 4 yards to Wes "Duck, A Defender is Coming" Welker on nearly every play. But no worries here, Haters. Pressure is coming. It is coming.

Pressure: Coming at you, Brady (Courtesy of Bolt Talk)

So those are the keys. Trash, Knees, and Pressure. Can the Bolts defy the odds and go into the cold Northeast and steal a win? Our hopes are not high. The odds are against us. But this Sunday, dear Haters, we will be tuned in. And when Rivers runs across the field before kickoff to jaw at old Coach B, we will smile, knowing our plans are being put into action.

Moss Update: Yes, everyone is talking about Moss and the allegations of battery. Unfortunately, we don't think this is a big deal, and will likely only serve to motivate Moss to have a good game. Thanks a lot, Rachelle Washington. Only later will it be revealed this was part of some Belicheat master plan to get his team focused. Ugh.

San Diego T-Shirt: Now Available

2008-01-16T19:39:00.001-08:00

San Diego (INEPT) - Now available for your immediate and repeated consumption: the San Diego Haters Tee. Available in beautiful San Diego colors, or something kind of like them:

Amazing San Diego T

Yours for just $15! Seriously, how can we make money with prices so low? We must be insane!

Still coming: San Diego preview. Also known as: Praying for a Miracle.

lolcats

2008-01-14T13:33:00.000-08:00

Even some cats know the score:

Haters Song

2008-01-13T15:59:00.001-08:00

Los Angeles (INEPT) - In case you hadn't heard it yet, check out the Patriot Haters song, thanks to Mario Ruiz from 710 ESPN radio. The song made a national debut of sorts on the Herd. We present it here in case you missed it. The lyrics:

new englands undefeated team
and the coach he's a jerk
got the whole country hatin' on him

got randy moss
next thing you know
they just throw throw throw throw throw throw throw

them super bowl rings
and your trophies from your past
should turn around and give them all right back

we know you cheat
bill belicheat
you're so low low low low low low low

i haven't seen nothing like this before
first NFL team 16 and 0
and if they win the superbowl
this team (something) will be eating crow

one rings come on
two rings come on
three rings come on
now that's three rings
what you think, you the man brady?
gotta a runway model giselle as your lady?

that's why your team is so hated
the girls that you dated
and steroid related
it's always debated
cause when you competed
you went undefeated
but since that you cheated

your fans are annoying
patriots, red sox annoying
celtics your fans are annoying
hope that you're really enjoying

(repeat from beginning until "low low low ...")

Hilarious. A National Movement is beginning, my friends. Sing the song, cheer the anti-cheer. And let it be known: win or lose, the Hatred will live on.

INEPT 15 Minutes of Fame: Continued

2008-01-12T20:04:00.000-08:00

Boston (INEPT) - We have ranted. We have raved. We have professed our hatred in a loud and clear voice. And yes, dear Reader, we have sold a few T-shirts. But today is a big day for this blog: we have once again been embraced by the main-stream media. From an article in today's Boston Globe:

The team's steady success, while admirable, has become annoying to most fans outside New England. The I-Hate-The-New-England-Patriots blog offers a "Basic Hater Tee" for $15.95.

The author of this piece is the mighty John Powers, and we have nothing but praise for this brilliant Bostonian. One small disagreement: "annoyed" doesn't begin to cover the rage that boils within us.

John Powers likes the bloggers

The article does bring up a few points of concern, however. In particular, the last sentence is chilling:

"The film is going to run like water," says Sabol. "If they win the Super Bowl, this team will be remembered and celebrated as long as the game of football is played."

The very thought keeps us awake at night. It is one thing to have to suffer this year, quite another for an eternity. Indeed, this may be the definition of Football Hell.

T-shirt Sale: Now available at a volume discount. Special thanks to "Dropsy" Dennis Northcut (remember him, Cleveland fans?). Also, a shout out to Rodney HGHarrison, for repeated late-hits and spearing. Didn't cost him this time, but we can wait. That guy is just not screwed together right.

Jaguar Victory T-shirt: Almost, But Not Quite.

Jaguar Playoff T-shirt: Now Available

2008-01-11T08:54:00.001-08:00

Madison (INEPT) - What better way to get ready for the Jaguar win this weekend than a special-edition, limited availability Jaguar Playoff T-shirt?

Jaguar Playoff Tee

Presented to you in beautiful Jaguar black and gold, this T-shirt says it all when it comes to this weekend's game. In an odd way, the Tee commemorates the fine season the Hatriots will have had after the weekend is over. They will be the only team in football history to have gone 16-1. Congratulations, Bill Belicheat, Tom 'Fraidy, and company: you made history!

The Gauntlet

2008-01-08T21:50:00.000-08:00

Boston (INEPT) - Here it comes. Every Hater's wish, now true. The Hatriots may be perfect. They may look good right now. But to get the prize, they will have to do what we all have been hoping for. The have to run the Gauntlet.

Not this Gauntlet

The definition:

gauntlet (also gantlet |ˈgantlit; ˈgônt-|)
noun (in phrase run the gauntlet)
1. go through an intimidating or dangerous crowd, place, or experience in order to reach a goal : they had to run the gauntlet of television cameras.
2. historical undergo the military punishment of receiving blows while running between two rows of men with sticks.
3. playing the jaguars, then colts/chargers, and then cowboys/packers/maybe giants in order to win the Super Bore.
ORIGIN mid 17th cent.: alteration of gantlope (from Swedish gatlopp, from gata ‘lane’ + lopp ‘course’ ) by association with gauntlet (1).

It is the third definition that is most pleasing to us, although definition two is certainly interesting. Why are military punishments always so memorable?

We can't handle the truth, either

First up in the Gauntlet: rising star Jacksonville. Long gone are the memories of 2005's failing strategy of 3 and out. Long gone is tubby QB Byron Sandwich. And long gone is an easy win due to cold weather. This is a team built for the playoffs. Hope rating: 5/10 (+2 can run the ball, +1 can play in cold weather, +1 david garrard, +2 defense, -1 still remember the 2005 playoff game)

What's happening, Byron? Not the playoffs.

Next up: likely the Colts, or a very motivated (and by then confident) Chargers team. We are happy with either. Assuming the Colts, not too much needs to be said. A true rival to the evildoers in the Northeast, the Colts are champs (remember that Hatriot fans?) and a formidable threat. Hope factor: 7/10 (+2 have beaten the Hatriots a lot lately, +2 SuperBore champs, +2 Peyton, +1 Addai, +1 Defense, -1 Freeney gone goddammit)

Recall this picture?

Assuming the Chargers, we'd have sweet revenge on our side. Hope factor: 6/10 (+2 LT, +2 Defense, +1 we remember last year you new england punks, +1 we beat Indy! -1 Rivers stinks, +1 LT again - he is that awesome)

LT is God

We won't get into our hope ratings for the NFC yet; perhaps we won't need to. The Gauntlet is tough. The Gauntlet is formidable. But most importantly, the Gauntlet is here.

Media Watch: A rare moment of sanity from the Boston Herald's Gerry Callahan. Choice quote: "Well, this probably isn’t the greatest team ever. It is a very good team that has been willed into the history books by the greatest quarterback ever." He's half right: the Hatriots are not the greatest team ever. 50% right is very high for Boston reporters, so full praise here.

The Moss Distortion Factor

2007-12-30T15:04:00.000-08:00

The Moss Distortion Factor (MDF). As defined by Webster's dictionary, year 2054:

The ability to hide many fundamental flaws with a single and unusually outstanding component. Derives from a participant in what was once referred to as the National Football League. This participant, the eponymous Randy Moss, possessed a unique blend of speed and size allowed the same to repeatedly run behind double coverage and catch long touchdown passes. While successful in the short run, teams that grew to rely on Moss were eventually unmasked as overly reliant on said play and thus ultimately defeated (see Minnesota Vikings [1998] and New England Hatriots [2007]). Over time, the Moss Distortion Factor (MDF) became a more general term and thus found its use in modern language.

There is one thing written on the chalkboard. It is repeated often. It is stressed all week during practice. It is mentioned more than once during pregame. It is screamed, often a moment too late, during the game itself. It is "Do Not Let Moss Get Behind You." This most recent effort, against the surprisingly game New York Giants, showed how easy it is to forget these wise words.

Hi, I'm Randy Moss. Please don't cover me on deep routes.

But we are not concerned. The playoffs bring you a different beast. Teams do not make the same kinds of mistakes. Tapes will be scrutinized. Screams will be screamed. And some smart young whippersnapper of an assistant coach will figure out: "Hey, if I stop Randy Moss, we might just beat that team. They rely way too heavily on being able to just chuck it down there and have him catch it. They did it against the Colts. They did it against the Giants (who even covered him with a linebacker!). They won't do it against us, though."

Hi, I'm a linebacker for the Giants. Why am I covering Randy Moss?

And thus, the Moss Distortion Factor (MDF). Right now, Hatriots fans are rejoicing. "A perfect season!" they all shout in beer-infused harmony. No worries, my fellow Haters. Sit back, relax, watch that first playoff week go by. And then get ready. The Jaguars are studying the film. So are the Colts, and the Steelers. They will go into the Northeast with one thing on their mind. When the clock ticks down to zero, and what was perfect becomes historically imperfect, a new term will be born. The Moss Distortion Factor. And this season of undefeat will instantly, irrevertibly morph into one of the most glorious years of football in the modern era.

Coming soon: New Hater T-shirts! (playoff editions)

Hoping for 16-0

2007-12-18T07:30:00.001-08:00

Midwest (INEPT) - Here we are, on the brink of Hatred Disaster. Though the hapless Letdowns actually put up a fight, the outcome was the same. The season of Undefeat continues.

Letdown Again

And yet, here at INEPT, we encourage you, for the next two weeks, to swallow your bile and actually, yes, cheer on the Hatriots. While a bit counter to the usual message from this site, you, dear Reader, as a true and dedicated Hater, must root for those whiners from the Northeast. We, as true Haters, want 16-0. We, as true Haters, need 16-0.

Surprise!

Of course, as your mouth hangs open in slack-jawed surprise, be wondering: Why? The reasons are actually quite simple:

Immense Pressure. Going 16-0 will place an inordinate amount of pressure on the Hatriots. Just imagine the thoughts that will run through their minds in the 4th quarter of a close playoff game: "Oh my gosh, we can't lose. We just can't! The whole season will be ruined." Also, the might be thinking about eating a tasty sausage pizza.
Media Frenzy. The media will also pile on, asking them numerous mind-bendingly dull and stupid questions about going undefeated. This will force the Hatriots to spend time coming up with even more stupid answers. An example: last week's sausage pizza quote from Rodney HGHarrison.
An Historical Failure. When the Hatriots role into the playoffs at 16-0, the pending playoff loss will be talked about for a long time, and the Hatriots will be remembered as (1) a team that got caught cheating and (2) an incredible failure to deliver on what could have been perfection. Anytime a team goes N and 0 (N>8), the first thing the media will bring up is the Hatriots and how they almost were perfect but failed. They may also bring up Sausage Pizza.

We know we are asking for a lot. We know how much you hate. But if you were weak, you wouldn't be here. No, only the strong can Hate, for so long, and with such singularity of focus. So Haters, one and all, unite for these two short weeks. Cheer on those that we normally Hate. With a little luck (or, more likely, some Colt or Jaguar skill), this miserable season will come to a wondrous close, with deplorable Undefeat transforming into glorious One-defeat.

BTW: What is up with Belichoke's Awesome game comment to Mangini? Once again, old Bill sounds like an asshole. But we suppose we should only write about things that surprise us.

Pure Class: The Hatriot Way

2007-12-10T17:37:00.000-08:00

New England (INEPT) - In the aftermath of the utterly dreadful Disaster by Giftsburgh III, the New England Hatriots were a study in class. Pure, high-class gents, these wonderful fellows are.

We all know what got our little boys in blue all bunched up in the underpants. Young safety Anthony Smith made the mistake of saying his team was going to win. Oh my gosh, no, not that! How dare he! But the team with the biggest chip on their shoulders wouldn't let such a silly thing slide. Nope.

Of course, it starts at the top. Coach Belichoke was asked about the long touchdown pass to Kareem Abdul Jabar Gaffney on a trick play. His classy response: "The safety play at that position was pretty inviting." That's awesome, Bill. Crack on some guy because he made the mistake of being positive about his team's chances, and worse, got goaded into making it a "guarantee" by the idiotic, guarantee-seeking media. Belichoke went on to say "we've played against a lot better safeties than him, I'll tell you." Wow, Bill, you are a true leader of men. Maybe you should talk a little more about all of your extra-marital problems, and less about Anthony Smith. What do you think about that? Creep.

Creep

Of course, it didn't end there. Rodney Harrison tried to explain the whole thing. Having Rodney make something more clear, of course, is like asking Einstein to put on the pads and play - it just doesn't make sense. Rodney said: "It's like when you go to the pizza shop and you order your pizza and you say you want extra sausage," Harrison said. "That [comment] was extra sausage." What in the world is Rodney talking about? Also, I think he meant HGH, not sausage.

Mmmm, Sausage

Tom 'Fraidy couldn't help himself either. When asked what he said to Smith on the field, Tommy said, "I don't care to repeat it," Brady said, "especially if my mother reads it. She wouldn't be happy with what I said." Are you sure, Prince Tommy? INEPT has some guesses as to what he might have said. "I have an out of wedlock kid; how about you Anthony?" or "My hair stylist cancelled my appointment! So F--- off." or perhaps "Check out these teeth, motherf---er." We ran these by Tommy's mom, and she was OK with all of them. So you were wrong, Tom, you were wrong.

Nice Teeth, MFer

One positive from the game. Some people actually paid money to fly this banner over the stadium: Bonds — 756*, Belichick — 3 Super Bowl wins*. How awesome is that? We are still looking for a picture. And yes, we would have kicked in a few bucks. I can see the ad now: "Banner: $200. Airplane rental for an hour: $500. Seeing the look on all those New England faces: Priceless."

Patriots: The New Bills

2007-11-26T08:53:00.000-08:00

Boston (INEPT) - As the Hatriots scratched and clawed their way to victory over the flightless Eagles Monday night, a vision entered our heads. It was a beautiful thing to behold, more complex than the escape plan imprinted on Michael Scofield's body, more stunning than any Frank Lloyd Wright creation. Yes, it was a blueprint. But not for a building. No, more precious than that. It was a blueprint for the Hatriots' defeat.

Scofield hates the Patriots too

This precious image came about as we realized the Hatriots aren't who we thought they were. Remember what this team was built on years ago when (alas) they did win the SuperBore (yes, we even have to admit, three times): Defense, and timely offense. Well, dear Reader, that was then, this is now. This is a different team. This team, you see, has a powerful offense (again, painful to admit), but the defense isn't too sound. And this new version of the Hatriots bears a strong resemblance to another team from the past.

INEPT knows its history

Now, dear Reader, which team could that be? Well, let us remind you. This was a team that rolled to a 13-3 record during the regular season. In the playoffs, they crunched a good Marino-led Dolphin squad, and absolutely demolished the Raiders 51-3. They came to the Superbore as the team to beat. And. They. Lost. You remember, now, don't you? Wide right Yes, that's right. This current Hatriot team is nothing other than a modern incarnation of the 1990 Buffalo Bills.

The New Math: Patriots equal (1990) Bills

You remember the game? If so, you remember exactly how to beat the current Hatriots. Ball control. Shorten the game. Hit 'em hard, repeatedly. It has been done twice this season (Colts, Eagles), and it has almost worked. It only needs to work once. And yes, those of you who are paying attention; there is a sweet irony at work. Who, of course, was the mastermind behind this plan? Who came up with the blueprint to beat the Bills then, the Hatriots now? Well, dear Reader, you probably guessed that too:

Belichoke: Your own plan will defeat you!

New England Loses at (European) Football

2007-11-20T05:07:00.000-08:00

Washington (INEPT) - So much for never losing at football. This past Sunday, we all saw what many have hoped for all year. That's right, dear Readers, you guessed it: we finally got to see New England lose a football game this year.

Houston Dynamo defeats New England Revolution

We now will break down the ingredients required to take down those footballers from the Northeast. Pay attention, teams of the NFL, and get a head start on ending this season of undefeat.

Make the coach wear ugly clothing. "I see your sweatshirt, and raise you one ugly hat", is what the Houston coach seemed to be saying. Clothing is clearly an important piece of defeating New England. Check out the Houston Dynamo's coach, Dominic Kinnear. His ears must be cold!

Dominic Kinnear: Ugly hats are key to success

Use an odd, hard to pluralize team nickname. Yes, the New England Revolution lost to the Houston Dynamo. Clearly, having an unusual pluralization is critical. Perhaps the Colts should become the "Herd", or the Steelers should change their name to "the local 419". Alternately, get the Utah Jazz to play football.

What is the singular of Dynamo?

Have some Canadians on the team.The Dynamo had the famous Dwayne De Rosario, who hales from Toronto. Perhaps NFL teams should call up some players from the CFL. Of course, you have to remind them about 4th down.

The real lesson, of course, from the MLS championship was much simpler. It takes a repeat champion to beat those New Englanders we love to hate. Someone who has been there before, who will not wilt when the time comes. Someone who will feel that other guy coming on like an avalanche and reach down to find an extra gear. Someone who, when the team is down by 4, with 1:30 on the clock and the snow coming down hard in your eyes, can throw it deep to the corner where only the receiver can make the play. Which previous champion will step up? Here at INEPT, we have some ideas:

Previous Champs: Remember Who You Are

The New York Post Rules

2007-11-11T20:29:00.001-08:00

New York (INEPT) - As we said before, newspapers usually get it wrong. Usually. But this (somewhat old) football standing from the New York Post shows that once in a rare while, some journalist reaches down into the depths of reporting history and pulls out a downright gem:

The Post Gets It Right

Hello, New England Asterisks. How does that feel?

Headlines

2007-11-05T13:19:00.000-08:00

We all know newspapers are basically full of crap. But the headlines following the Debacle in Indianapolis go beyond bad reporting. They show that most newspapers are written by a bunch of stupid people. It is sad. Here, we provide a sample:

Patriot games: Never in doubt. From the Chicago Sun-Times. Thanks, Sun-Times. It was never in doubt, except when it was completely in doubt, which was most of the game.

Doing it Belichick's way, Patriots far and away the NFL's best. This is from the Canadian Press. Hello, Canada, this is football! That's AMERICAN football! Please stick to Hockey, and drinking.

Patriots Leave No Doubt Who's No. 1 As the Colts Leave With Loss No. 1. Gee, NY Times, you must be right, there is no doubt too. Sounds like you and the Sun-Times should get together and have a beer and talk sports. Oops, I forgot: the NY Times completely stinks at sports coverage. Stick to real news, morons. (Editor's note: the online link actually gives a different headline than the print edition, which is what we quote here)

Colts cleared of cheating against Patriots. Amazingly, the Hatriots complained the Colts were cheating during the game by piping in audio noise. Yes, that's right, dear Reader, you heard right: the Hatriots accused the Colts of cheating. Wow. Predicted next headline: Hatriots accuse other team of being a bunch of assholes.

Pats just know what it takes. What a dumb headline. Nice one, Boston Herald. Even worse, though, is the article, which begins with Richard Seymour's words of wisdom. "We felt (like we had them) the whole game," defensive end Seymour said, following the 24-20 come-from-behind triumph. "It was just a matter of us making the plays. We didn’t know when the plays were going to be made, we just knew somebody was going to step up to make them." Huh? You "had them the whole game"? Which game was he talking about? What a buffoon.

No stopping the Patriots. The Sun-Times again. Wow, two crappy columnists in the same newspaper. Now that takes talent. This one is by Rick Telander, whom the Sun-Times hired away from Sports Illustrated. Since that time, SI has gotten a lot more popular. Thanks, Sun-Times, for saving SI. Thank you.

New England juggernaut rolls on. This insightful article includes the opening line, "Can anyone stop the New England Patriots?" Gee, I wonder. Thank the UK Times for this penetrating game summary. Yes, the UK Times, in England. Do they even know the rules of the game? I'll have to ask Nick Szczepanik, who wrote the article. No, I didn't leave any vowels out of his last name. And no, he doesn't know shit about football.

What any decent article instead might focus on:

The Hatriots defense looks old. Did you see Joseph Addai stutter-step Teddy Brainski?
Tom 'Fraidy doesn't do so well when there is pressure on him. And there are some teams that can get to him, like the mighty Steelers.
The Colts defense looks fast. Wow, they play fast.
The Hatriots have a bad running game. And it's not going to get any better soon.
If Moss gets injured or has an off-game, the Hatriots passing game isn't so great either. Without him, it's just like last year. Come on, high-ankle sprain!

So laugh it up, Hatriot fans. Enjoy the win. The blueprint has been laid out. The mighty Hatriots are unbeaten, but certainly beatable. Will it be the Colts who ends their season? Or the Steelers? Or even the Chargers (once they fire Norv Turner)? Who knows. And who cares. All we know is that here at INEPT, we find ourselves happy today. We saw the Hatriots' true colors. And it wasn't Superbowl Trophy Silver. Rather, it was Fool's Gold.

Halfway Season Summary: Oh Shit

2007-10-31T07:46:00.000-07:00

Boston (INEPT) - The season is half over. The Hatriots, in the worst of all possible nightmares, are undefeated. No game has been close. Tom 'Fraidy has 30 touchdown passes and is not spending too much time chasing supermodels. Randy Moss is keeping his pants on and not running over police officers. Belichoke is angry that everyone thinks he is a cheater (even though he clearly is) but somehow is using it to his advantage. We, as the staff here at INEPT, have only one thing to say: Oh Shit.

Oh Shit

People from around the league had similar responses:

Eric Boygenius, head coach of the New York Letdowns: "Oh shit. Do we have to play them again? Man, that's going to be like 105-0. Crap."
Randall Godfrey, linebacker of the Washington Not-good-enough-to-be-named-after-mighty-native-american-warriors-even-though-that-would-be-less-offensive-to-some-people: "I told Belichoke to show some respect. So he did, by throwing another 80-yard bomb for a touchdown. Oh man, who doesn't respect touchdowns?"
Coach Bill Belichoke: "Up yours Roger F-ing Goodell."

However, there is hope on the horizon. The Hatriots' schedule tells us that Blitzburgh is coming to town in a few weeks. A visit to an actual football team from New York (i.e., not the Letdowns but the mighty Giants) in the last week of the season might present an opportunity for true anti-Hatriot happiness.

And, lest we forget, there is one other team we might pay attention to. That team has played under the radar this year, a little odd for a Super Bowl Champion. They too are undefeated. They are the mighty Indianapolis Colts. Last time we checked, they have a little bit of a winning streak against the Hatriots. This Sunday, we will see if they keep that winning streak alive. We will see if King Manning and his charges can end this season of non-defeat. We will see how the morality play of good versus evil pans out.

So Haters, one and all, for this upcoming weekend, put on your blue and white Hatred Tees and sing Blue Sunday loud and clear. Stick pins in your Hatriots dolls. Sit in your lucky chair. Do your part, and maybe the Colts will do theirs. And maybe, just maybe, this nightmare season of non-defeat will come to an end.

Buy A Hater's Tee Shirt!

I'm Back!

2007-10-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

As a once promising musician once said, “In my dying days I may forget the people that I loved, but I will forever remember the people that I have hated.” This quote rings so true when it comes to my passionate hatred toward the New England Patriots and though I had taken a much needed hiatus from this glorious site I am here to announce that I am back and ready to start a new chapter of hate towards Bill, Bob, Brady, Bruschi and the rest of the Bastards associated with the New England Patriots.

-Spawn of Satan-

In these trying times for Hatriots I want to extend a ‘hand of hope’ that will help all of us weather the current storm and concentrate on our main goal of derailing the new ‘evil empire’. Please remember fellow Hatriots that the season is long and eight games mean nothing and anything less than a Super Bowl victory will be an enormous disappointment to the Pats and would forever taint their legacy. So keep up the good fight and remember that New England is forever scared by the ‘cheating’ label and anything they accomplished in the past or furthermore should be marked by an asterisk, because as we all know “once a cheater- always a cheater.”

Mailbag!

2007-10-28T06:48:00.000-07:00

A "Colts Fan" writes:

As a lifelong Colts fan, I hate the Patriots as well. However, I know that if my team won 3 Super Bowls in 5 years, people would hate the Colts as much as people hate the Patriots. It's simply jealousy. I would have to agree with nearly every comment on here. This site is very much a waste of time and effort. It displays a great deal of senseless immaturity and does nothing but make you look like an idiot. If society would spend the same amount of time doing something constructive as it does on negativity and hate, the world would be a heck of a lot better place to live. I know this comment isn't going to stop you from continuing this site, but neither is this site going to change anything about the Patriots 3 Super Bowl rings, Bill Belichek's job, or Tom Brady's photos. Seriously, move on with your life, dude.

There is so much wrong with this email that it is challenging to begin. But, in the name of everything that is good and pure in the world, let us try.

As a lifelong Colts fan, I hate the Patriots as well.

This is a good beginning, because it is the only thing in this reader's note that is (a) coherent and (b) well thought out.

However, I know that if my team won 3 Super Bowls in 5 years, people would hate the Colts as much as people hate the Patriots. It's simply jealousy.

How many times have we had to say this? We must be unclear. We must be doing a poor job. We must gets our precious back ... oops, wrong monologue. We do not hate the Hatriots because we are jealous. Let me repeat: We do not hate because we are jealous. WE DO NOT HATE BECAUSE WE ARE JEALOUS. How little you must think of us, dear Reader. In case you did not notice, we do not hate other winning teams and franchises. Indeed, we recall fondly the Steel Curtain years of Pittsburgh lore, the Montana-led 49ers, even the powerful Cowboy teams of years past. These teams all demonstrated excellence and dominance; we applaud it. These teams even won the occasional Superbowl by more than 1 score. Even your Colts, bless their hearts, we cheer for, and indeed, hope for 3 Superbowls in 5 years, as that would imply fewer Superbowls for our beloved Hatriots. So no, my friend, jealousy isn't it. You've missed the mark.

I would have to agree with nearly every comment on here.

Not quite possible, as both Haters and Lovers alike seem to post here. See this thread for an excellent interchange.

This site is very much a waste of time and effort.

It doesn't take a lot of time. It doesn't take much effort. These things are clear to all who read this site. But when just one Hater out there finds us and achieves a certain sense of comradeship and salvation through our common cause, we cannot agree with your point -- it is certainly not a waste.

It displays a great deal of senseless immaturity and does nothing but make you look like an idiot.

We disagree -- the immaturity on display here is all quite sensible. Wrong again, potty brains!

If society would spend the same amount of time doing something constructive as it does on negativity and hate, the world would be a heck of a lot better place to live.

Ah! A cure for Society's Woes, right here in this blog! Can you believe such a precious gem could be unearthed in this little corner of the world?! And, with this innocuous comment suddenly causing Society to stop spending so much time on "negativity and hate", then our blog will have served its true mission: to make this world a "better place to live." Pay it forward, my friends. Pay it forward!

I know this comment isn't going to stop you from continuing this site, ...

Here you are wrong again. Your earnest and heartfelt entreaties have been heard! As of October 28th, 2007, this blog no longer exists. You have moved us beyond words and to action, dear Reader. You can now rest easy.

...but neither is this site going to change anything about the Patriots 3 Super Bowl rings, Bill Belichek's job, or Tom Brady's photos.

Oops, we are not done yet. You are wrong, though, dear Reader. Our mission is simple: to tarnish the lustre on those rings (though of course the Hatriots are doing more of that than we are these days, e.g., by cheating), to get Bill Belichoke fired (sign here!), and to alter photos of Tom Brady as often as possible (or just reprint particularly bad ones).

Seriously, move on with your life, dude.

Here, finally, we have a better idea. Why don't you move on with yours? We don't ask you to come here; we don't ask for your opinion. We are just here because there is a team that is ruining the National Football League. This team takes every shortcut it can, and makes winning ugly, and makes the game boring. And if the game is boring, there is no point to the game. That team is the New England Hatriots.

So if you want to go back to cheering for your Colts, go ahead; we don't ask you to come here and be a part of this. But do know this: one or two Sundays each year, as King Manning and his charges take the field to do battle with Belichoke, Tom 'Fraidy, and all those other frauds from the Northeast, there will be someone else cheering on the Colts with you. Not because we particularly like the Colts. No, dear Reader, the reason we cheer those days is because we hate the New England Patriots. We hate the New England Patriots! All together now: WE HATE THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!

Amen.

Brady Takes Over Kicking Duties

2007-10-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

Boston (INEPT) - In one of his most daring coaching moves this season, Coach Bill Belichoke has decided to add place-kicking and punting duties to Tom Brady's already busy job as quarterback of the New England Hatriots.

When asked why, Belichoke simply said, "Have you seen him in those Stetson adds? Man, he looks hot. And he looks like he can kick, at least from the picture. Wow!"

Brady as Punter

Brady seemed puzzled by the move. "Well, I am getting a little bored. Maybe Coach is trying to keep us all on edge. Or maybe he's just lost it. He sure has been a little nutty since that whole video tape thing."

The crack staff at INEPT has also uncovered a number of other unusual personnel moves that Belichoke is apparently contemplating:

Promoting Randy Moss to Head Cheerleader. This is based on his demonstrated excellence in the much maligned but critically important "moon dance".

Moss: Has all the right moves

Adding Teddy Bruschi to the Medical Staff. Bruschi reportedly has been asking for this job, repeatedly, sometimes more than once in the same sentence.

Hiring Kevin Costner to be in charge of video operations. Negotiations with Steven Spielberg have apparently stalled.

Belichoke is also considering some other tactics to keep his team focused, including smaller pre-game meals, playing without pads, and not cheating.

Here Comes T.O.

2007-10-11T03:17:00.000-07:00

Irving, Texas (INEPT) - In a controversial move that will be debated for hours to come, none other than Terrell Owens has spiced up this week's Cowboy game with the New England Hatriots through an age-old tactic: writing secret little notes.

Dear Reporters,
Due to the magnitude of this week’s game and high volume of questions for the Original 81 about the other 81. I will be taking all questions immediately following Sunday’s game.
Sincerely, T.O.
p.s. Getcha Popcorn Ready.

You may remember T.O. from Superbore XXXIX, where he spent most of the game wiping Donovan McPuke's vomit off of his jersey.

T.O. Loves Popcorn

However, his new notemaker persona is not to be taken lightly. INEPT has uncovered three other notes that T.O. hid in the Cowboy locker room this week. This one was hanging from Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo's locker:

Dear T. Ro,
Don't suck like last week. Five picks!
Sincereley, T.O.
p.s. Getcha Popcorn Ready.

Some Cowboys were confused. "Getcha Popcorn Ready? Why does he keep saying that?," asked a bewildered Romo. "And no way is he going to start calling me T. Ro."

T. Ro. Confused by T.O.

Another note was found Coach Bum... er... Wade Phillips's personal bathroom:

Dear Coach,
Try not to get involved with playcalling this week.
With warm regards, T.O.
p.s. Getcha Popcorn Ready.

Wade Phillips's response leaned towards defensive. "I always have my popcorn ready, T.O. knows that! Damn fool."

A final note was uncovered late this morning in owner Jerry Jones's office:

Dear JJ,
I am assuming you are bringing the popcorn maker to the game. Don't forget!
Sincereley, T.O.

Jerry: Bringing the 'corn

Of course, all mockery will immediately turn into golden praise in the rare chance the Cowboys put an end to this miserable season of non-defeat. Perhaps, INEPT hopes, that in a few days we can all fill our lungs with the glorious air of Hatriot defeat and utter, once and for all: How 'bout them Cowboys!

Welcome Back, Rodney

2007-09-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

Boston (INEPT) - INEPT would like to wish a warm welcome back to Rodney Harrison, the Hatriots cheater most glad about the Belicheat scandal. "I sure am glad about Coach's cheating; without him, there might have been more focus on my steroid abuse problems," a relieved Harrison told reporters while flexing his huge deltoids.

Rodney's Strength Coach

When asked about the potential harms of steroids, Harrison was quick to assure reporters of his virility. "Look, my wife is still happy, ok guys? I mean, pretty happy. Not ecstatic. Some things are smaller, it's true, but she said that's fine with her," Harrison said as a tear rolled down his face.

Rodney is sad about his testes

Rodney was quick to point out the he is quite manly on the field, if not off of it. "We'll see who is laughing come Sunday," Harrison proclaimed. "I am going to be wearing a new uniform though, as part of the league's new steroid abuse penalty."

Rodney's new Tutu

INEPT wishes Mr. Harrison good luck in his return. Keep up the 'roid rage, Rodney!

Addendum: INEPT notes that Rodney was caught taking HGH, not Steroids. However, despite the lack of evidence (besides musculature, anger-management problems, etc.), INEPT firmly believes that Rodney has been on the 'Roid train at some point in his career. Proof will likely come out in a tell-all book published in 2023.

It's Official: Cheaters Prosper

2007-09-19T16:23:00.001-07:00

Boston (INEPT) - In a sudden shift of the laws of the Universe and the theory of Karma, the New England Hatriots drubbing of the surprisingly toothless San Diego Unchargers proved that cheaters do in fact prosper.

Bonds, Maradona, Ben Johnson: "We Sure Are Relieved!"

Reaction from famous cheaters was swift. "Phew! What a relief," said a muscle-laden Barry Bonds*, most prolific home-run hitting steroid user in baseball history. "I thought for sure I was going straight to hell."

The Devil, Sad

Others were less thrilled. "This is going to ruin our numbers for the next millenium," said a forlorn looking Devil. "Cheating is in. And if it turns out it's OK, we'll have to look elsewhere to meet our quotas."

With this inexplicable turn of events, scientists immediately began to investigate whether other time-tested universal truths still held. The results, printed here for the first time, were startling:

Lying no longer causes any of the following to happen: dying, or sticking a needle in your eye.
Love is no longer blind, but in fact can see quite well.
Regardless of apple intake, you will eventually see the doctor.

"Perhaps this has something to do with global warming," uttered an Orson-Wellian Al Gore.

Al Gore: What Happened?

* This is an asterisk. Get used to seeing it, Hatriot fans.

Spielberg Signed For Next Video Series

2007-09-16T08:34:00.000-07:00

New England (INEPT) - In a move intended to "raise the level of secret-stealing videos", coach Bill Belichoke hired three-time Academy Award winner Steven Spielberg to film the Hatriot's next three opponents.

Spielberg joins the Dark Side

"We're really excited about this opportunity," said Spielberg. "It gives a chance here at Dreamworks to do something successful that isn't named Shrek." When asked for his latest thoughts on that lovable ogre, Spielberg said "What? Belichoke isn't that bad. Sure, he might not shower or change his clothers that often, but really guys, calling him an ogre?"

Shrek, Belichoke: Who is Uglier?

When asked for the rationale behind the move, an unusually talkative Belichoke stated that "bringing in top-notch people is important behind anything you do. We realized that some of our previous efforts in cheating, err, video production were less than stellar. So we went for the best: Spielberg. And we got him."

Reaction from other teams was swift. "Damn Hatriots, first Moss, now Spielberg. Who will they bring on next?" said a bewildered Eric Boygenius, beleagured head coach of the New York Letdowns. "I'm not sure who we can get. Maybe that fat guy who does documentaries?

Sorry, Jets, I'm Working in College Football

Related Links:

Welcome To The Hatred-sphere

2007-09-12T13:09:00.000-07:00

INEPT proudly welcomes Patriots DDD to the world of Hatriot anti-fandom. Welcome aboard, friends! A tremendous photo begins P3D's odyssey of hating that team from the Northeast:

DDD Brings It With Pictures

Nice picture! Looking forward to some more posts. Not sure about the third D, though, P3D, that may be getting a little too personal.

I'll Be Back

2007-09-11T18:50:00.000-07:00

Madison (INEPT) - Don't worry, kids. I'll be back.

Hater in Chief with Brady/Weapon in hand

Welcome, Spurs: We Hate You Too

2007-05-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

San Antonio (INEPT) - It's basketball season. But that does not mean you have to save your hate up for the NFL Draft or your money to buy a lousy T-shirt. No, my friends, you can focus the full force of your enmity on a kindred spirit to our beloved Hatriots: the NBA's very own San Antonio Spurs.

We hate you, Bruce Bowen

The parallels between the Hatriots and Spurs run deep:

Boring Teams. Nothing puts us to sleep like watching these two boring teams play their brand of "fundamental", "defensively-oriented" basketball/football. Not even a sweet dose of Nyquil. Click here to buy!
Thug Players. Ty Law Rule? Nice to meet you. Meet the upcoming Bruce Bowen rule. Rodney Harrison: Thought you were a rough tackler? Well, wait 'til you get a load of Cheap-shot Bob.
Ugly Coaches. Ok, cheap shot. But, come on:

Eltrav Says: GP looks like Nanny McPhee

Goody Two Shoes as the Leader. Tim Duncan? Choir boy. Tommy boy? Well, used to be a choir boy. Watchout for those Supermodels, Timmy D!

Timmy Duncan's Future Pregnant Girlfriend?

We could go on. But instead, we stop. We ask you, dear Reader: who else should we hate in the offseason? (and please don't tell me the Yankees, we already know)

Store News: Special T-shirt for New York Jets Fans

2007-05-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

New York (INEPT) - In what has to be one of the most unanticipated announcements of the summer, INEPT brings fans of the New York Jets what they have long been clamoring for. Available through the I Hate The New England Patriots Store, INEPT proudly presents the Jets "I Hate Patriots" T-shirt:

Jets Fans Unite!

Enjoy the feeling of cool Jet green on your skin as you express your cold, icy outrage in bold white letters. Buy one now!

Coming soon: Dolphins and Bills Tees.

Tommy Puts a Cap On

2007-05-05T03:21:00.000-07:00

Boston, MA (INEPT) - Overheard by our crack reporting team yesterday was a conversation about the birds and the bees between our beloved QB Tom Brady and his father, Tom Brady Sr:

Tom Sr: "Tom, when you do that, you've got to, ummm, put something on."
Tom Jr: "What do you mean, Dad?"
Tom Sr: "Well, if you don't want her to get pregnant, put something on."
Tom Jr: "I don't get you."
Tom Sr: "You know, when you do that thing that gets her pregnant, put something on it."
Tom Jr: "Like, on my head?"
Tom Sr: "Well, yes, I guess that is what you call it."
Tom Jr: "OK, I think I understand you, Dad. Thanks!"

Unfortunately, breaking news reveals that Tommy Jr. didn't quite comprehend his Dad's subtle message:

Tommy: Is this what you meant, Dad?

Later, Tommy donned an entire Yankee outfit while sleeping next to Giselle, hoping that the full regalia might prevent him from "making another no-no." "I think I've got this all figured out now!" Tom was heard screaming at one of his friends.

Why We Hate

2007-05-03T03:50:00.000-07:00

Ann Arbor (INEPT) - The amount of confusion: high. The amount of misinformation: much. The facts: plain wrong. Many of you (particularly, fans of the Hatriots) somehow think this is a blog with a hidden agenda, where our Hatred of those clods in New England is some kind of cover, hiding our true appreciation of some other team.

Let us be clear, here, once and for all: we hate the New England Patriots. We don't hate them because of natural geographic preference for some other local team (indeed, staff members live on the east coast, west coast, and the midwest). We hate the New England Patriots. We find joy in seeing your Golden Team lose.

See if you can find which team we hate

We are not fans of the Packers, Vikings, Lions, or Bears. We are not fans of teams from Miami, New York, or Buffalo. We do not secretly yearn to see victory by creatures such as Eagles, Giants, Redskins, or Cowboys. We do not hope to finally see a Super Bowl victory by Carolina, New Orleans, Atlanta, or Tampa Bay. Seattle, St. Louis, San Francisco, Arizona? Don't care about 'em. Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Cleveland? Not even places we'd visit. Indianapolis, Tennessee, Jacksonville, Houston? When they play the Hatriots, we cheer them on; otherwise, don't care. San Diego, KC, Denver, Oakland? We barely even know where these places are.

All together now: We hate the New England Patriots. We Hate The New England Patriots. WE HATE THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS. It is as simple, perverse, and wonderful as that. Join us in our cause! Hate us if you like. But be confused no longer. We do not root for others to win. We simply hope, pray, and (often) scream for one team to lose.

Draft Recap: Hatriots show true American Spirit

2007-04-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

New England (INEPT) - From the famous poem found at the base of the Statue of Liberty:

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

Little did we know: Bill Belichoke has a Statue of Liberty fantasy. It is he who asks for these poor, wretched footballers to come his way (see Dillon, Meriweather, Moss). It is he who lifts the lamp beside his golden door. Bill Belichoke, you sweet husky man, open your gates and let those "yearning to breathe free" come and play for your golden boy's squad!

No, we are not good at Photoshop

Lest you forgot, first-round selection Brandon Meriweather's claim to fame:

Watch for the Stomping Action!

And of course, it is not too challenging to list the many reasons Moss is one of the wretched:

Meet Randy, Denny's new Sponsor for "Moons over my Hammy"

There is so much material here to work with! Thank you, sweet Statue of Belichick! You are a true soul, searching for new ways to fill this blog with the Hatred and Mockery you so richly deserve.

Coming soon: Moss vs Meriweather Grudge Match.

Brady: Oh Yeah!

2007-04-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

A beautiful piece from the Fanhouse on Tom Brady's Ladies, ending with a picture of Tom celebrating his recent successes with the "fairer" sex:

Brady: "Oh, yeah!"

Kind of reminds us of this victorious chubster, who somehow looks more athletic than old Tommy boy:

I look odd too

Shortly after seeing the photo, supermodel Giselle dumped Tom and is apparently now considering (a) celibacy, (b) lesbianism, or (c) both.

Giselle: OMG, please tell me that wasn't him. Please!

And no, we didn't photoshop the Brady pic. Seriously, it is for real. Seriously!

New Staff Member: Josh Howard

2007-02-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

Ann Arbor (INEPT) - We are pleased to announce Josh Howard has joined the Hatriot staff(*)! As winner of the prestigious Hatriot of the Year(**) award for the most furious hate expressed towards our beloved team in New England, he has been asked to join the staff as a full-time member(***).

No, It's Probably Not This Josh Howard

Some highlights from this Hater's fine posts:

From Nightmare in San Diego: Once again, I am glad to hear the outpouring of Patriot hate and I think the best explanation of frustrations was made by the guy that said he wanted to saw his car in half after Marlon McCree’s ‘interception fumble’. No kidding- I actually sprained my left arm on that play from celebrating and then falling to my living room floor in agony.

From Back By Popular Demand: I will hate the Patriots until the day I die or as long as 'fakor' Robert Kraft is running the organization. Tom Brady is a drone that would be an afterthought if he played in Arizona. Rodney Harrison is the most overrated safety that ever lived and I hope that his career ends when he is doing one of his 'late' head first dives on top of a defenseless ball carrier.

From Top Five Reasons Hatriots Will Lose: Even if New England is victorious on Sunday, it will mean nothing. You will always be known as the franchise that was very good, but not great. I know that this notion frustrates you to no end, but you better learn to deal with it, because it will never change. A loss, on the other hand, would be detrimental to your self-labeled legacy and will burn at your greedy and tainted souls.

You can always find more of Mr. Howard's rants (or anything else) by using the vaunted Hatriot Search Engine (conveniently available on the right-side of this blog).

Congratulations, Mr. Howard!

- The INEPT Staff

(*) Mr. Howard still has to send email to Luckeye.Hater@gmail.com in order to officially be added to the staff.

(**) There is no cash compensation for this award. Just the prestige, baby. Pure prestige.

(***) 'Full-time member' means once in a rare while, you post something, and that hopefully it is funny.

Mr. Perfect responds: "Oops"

2007-02-20T06:43:00.000-08:00

New England (INEPT) - Mr. Perfect, media darling, and all-around good guy Tom Brady, in response to recent news of his pending fatherhood, had a simple one word reply to the situation: "Oops!"

Does Bridget Look A Little Bigger Here?

"Wow, I don't know how that happened," shouted a bewildered Brady. "Well, I have some idea. Sort of. Something about birds and bees. I really wasn't listening when Mom told me about it. I knew I should have listened. I knew it!

The mother-to-be, actress Bridget Moynahan, sounded unsurprised. "I told Tommy what would happen if he insisted on doing that, but he wouldn't listen," she told reporters outside her bedroom window. "He started to pout, whine, and stomp his feet when I was saying 'no', so I just gave in. He's such a big baby."

Tommy: Even Bigger Than This Baby

Good friend Peyton Manning criticized Brady for his handling of the situation. "When Bridget told him the news, he wouldn't even shake her hand. Seriously, he just ran out of there, went straight to the locker room and hit the showers. What a sore loser," Manning said, staring at his Superbowl ring.

"I guess this kills my new ad campaign for Trojan-brand condoms," Tom said. "Crap -- that was totally going to pay for my new girlfriend's bathing suit collection. Giselle's sure gonna be mad now."

Superbowl Recap: A Rival is Born

2007-02-04T23:02:00.000-08:00

Miami (INEPT) - It is official. We have checked with league officials. We have confirmed it with fans, coaches, and players. Today, dear Reader, we have received what we have longed for. Today, dear Reader, a true rival to the Hatriots was born.

A Rival is Born

What more is there to say?

Oh yes, one more thing: the Hatriots did not win the Superbowl. Repeat: the Hatriots did not win the Superbowl! Why do I enjoy saying: the Hatriots did not win the Superbowl. We can't get enough, it's true.

Coming soon: the Belichoke controversy.

p.s. the Hatriots did not win the Superbowl!

Superbowl Preview

2007-01-23T12:13:00.000-08:00

Indianapolis (INEPT) - It is superbowl week. So what should we give you, dear Reader? Well, of course, a discussion of the most important game of the year. The superbowl? No, of course not. The most important game of the year is obviously one in which our dear Hatriots lose, particularly if it is a playoff game. Thus, we recap what was clearly the most important game of the year: the AFC championship game.

The game, so memorable. The final result, so sweet. We must recall each precious moment, lest we forget this beautiful, wonderous, magnificent result.

Things That Mattered:

The Colts didn't panic: Ran the ball plenty of times. Note to Sham Diego: run the ball! Oddly enough, Cam Cameron's punishment for forgetting about the best running back in the league? A promotion!

Colts didn't panic, either

The ball finally bounced the right way (sometimes): Admit it: when Logan Manchild scored on a fumble, you thought: here we go again. But suddenly, the Colts return the favor! (the Rhodes to Saturday connection!) And then, Reggie "John" Wayne catches his own fumble mid-air! (yes, it wouldn't have mattered thanks to the hit on the helmet, but still).

Reggie "John" Wayne: Our lucky hero

The Colts end-of-game clock management: Brilliant! Why didn't Mike Martz think of that back in Super Bowl XLI? Oh yeah, because he is an arrogant fool that started this whole mess (the Hatriot Whine-asty).

Colts are smarter than Martz

The pressure from Freeney: No big sacks of Brady, but one time Brady just goes down when he feels Freeney coming near him, and on the penultimate play, when Brady throws the pick to Marlin Jackson (now an official INEPT hall-of-famer), Brady rushes as Freeney closes in on him. Without Freeney, Tom takes his time, hits three more passes, wins the game, crushes our souls. With Freeney, Tom hurries, Colts win. Colts WIN!

Guess what? Freeney is awesome

Bob Sanders: Bob also gets into the INEPT Hall of Fame for his role in this game. Amazing! His play throughout, of course, gets a nod, but the big play was stopping the old 'Fraidy-to-Troy connection, getting the Colts the ball back. Pure magic.

Bob Sanders: Future INEPT Hall of Famer?

Things That Didn't Matter

Colts cheerleaders changed outfits at halftime: Seriously, they did. We don't think it mattered, though. Probably

Before, After: Losing The Chaps A Key To Victory?

Reche dropped some passes: After the first big drop in the endzone, the Hatriots scored anyway (the tippy-toe "were his feet really in?" "that is such a stupid rule" catch in the back of the endzone). So no big deal. The other one, with him "wide open", probably would have gained 6 or 8 yards (Colts safety was closing fast).

Butterfinger: You can actually buy this from Amazon.com

Reche does funny things with his eyes: What the heck was that dude doing with his eyes? He looked like that guy Kenneth on American idol:

Reche, Kenneth: Whose Eyes Are Stranger?

The Hatriot Flu bug: The Flu was to blame, some say. We say: are you serious? Big players step up. Remember Michael Jordan? The Utah Jazz certainly do.

A flu bug, or Coach Belichoke: You make the call

Supposed "Bad Calls" on Hatriots:Example #1: The late hit call on the Hatriots: Many whiners claim this was a big play. Really, it was a 10-yard difference. Probably just would have taken a little more time off the clock. Example #2: The pass interference call. Was it interference? Maybe, maybe not. Should the defender have turned his head? Of course, otherwise he is begging to get flagged. Do the Hatriots interfere regularly? Yes. What goes around comes around, they say.

This ref says: Sorry Hatriots

Prediction Recap: INEPT had the game at Colts 38, Hatriots 17. So we got it half right. Just didn't expect Manning to be so generous (he is a southern gentleman after all), or Ellis Hobbs to go crazy on every kickoff return. Colts outgained the Hatriots by 50% in yardage, which would indicate a game that wasn't as close as the final score might indicate.

Coming soon: the induction ceremony for the INEPT Hall of Fame. Nominations are being taken as we speak. Get your nomination in today!

Oh. My. God. 38-34!

2007-01-21T19:22:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

The Pick That Ended The Game

OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! etc.

Top Five Reasons Hatriots Will Lose Sunday

2007-01-19T10:39:00.000-08:00

#5 - Tom Gets A Life: Tom 'Fraidy is spending too much time on his "life", and not "football". Look at his playoff numbers to understand the effect -- not too hot. Most recent example: moving on from Bridget to a Giselle.

Giselle: "At least I'm hot (during the playoffs)"

#4 - Hard To Keep Playing The Underdog: Even Hatriots fan and ESPN guy Bill Simmons gets it (see this article for details): when they keep winning, they can't keep pretending they are not getting any respect. Good quote from the article: "An entire generation of fledgling NFL fans is being raised to root against them as we speak." Yes, Bill, we do!

Simmons: "I get it, you hate us"

#3 - Peyton Is Due: Seriously, life cannot be that cruel. So many big games, so many disappointments. A great QB, but no rings. The only one rooting against him: Dan Marino. And Jim Kelly. Oh yes, Dan Fouts. And Fran Tarkenton. And ...

Peyton: Don't join this HOF crew

#2 - Adam, Vinny, Terry: This three-named kicker used to be our biggest fear. Now, he is our best friend. Come on guys, kick some field goals!

Three great kickers, finally on our side

#1 - It Is Time: Rafiki said it best: "it is time". It just is. This has gone on long enough. We cannot take two more weeks of this. Even the Roman Empire fell. Please end it. Please!

Rafiki says: It is time

The Fall of Rome: AFC Championship Prediction

2007-01-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

Ann Arbor (INEPT) - Empires rise. And empires fall. Consider the Roman Empire. Long-lasting, dominant (if lucky), innovative in the realm of sanitation, and eventually, bloated and corpulent, ready to be thrown down. Yes, Hatriot fans, Rome fell. As Thomas Cahill describes in his book:

The citizens of Rome, therefore, could not believe it when toward the end of the first decade of the fifth century, they woke to find Alaric, king of the Visigoths, and all his forces parked at their gates. He might as well have been king of the Fuzzy-Wuzzies, or any of the other inconsequential outlanders that civilized people have looked down their noses at throughout history. It was preposterous. They dispatched a pair of envoys to conduct the tiresome negotiation and send him away. The envoys began with empty threats: any attack on Rome was doomed, for it would be met by invincible strength and innumerable ranks of warriors.

An Overconfident Envoy

Alaric was a sharp man, and in his rough fashion, a just one. He also had a sense of humor. "The thicker the grass, the more easily scythed," he replied evenly.

The envoys quickly recognized that their man was no fool. All right, then, what was the price of his departure? Alaric told them: his men would sweep through the city, taking all gold, all silver, and everything of value that could be moved. They would also round up and cart off every barbarian slave.

Alaric at the Gates

But, protested the hysterical envoys, what will that leave us?

Alaric paused. "Your lives."

In that pause, Roman security died and a new world was conceived.

To all citizens of Rome (Hatriot Fans): that day has come. Alaric is at your gates. The fall of Rome is upon us.

Game Prediction: Colts 38, Hatriots 17.

Nightmare in San Diego (Part 2)

2007-01-15T20:38:00.000-08:00

San Diego (INEPT) - I am trapped in a dream. It is dark. I am alone. I walk towards the light in the distance. It is the TV. I sit. It is football. I smile. It is the Hatriots vs. Chargers. I worry. The game begins.

I relax. Chargers up 14-3. Hatriots can't run, San Diego can. Blitzes making Brady look bad, mortal. It is sunny out. Could this be the day? Prevent defense; I sit up, concerned. Soon 14-10. 3rd quarter rolls in, the Chargers roll on. 21-10. A hint of happiness on our face. Hope remains. Happiness, possible?

But it happens. It always happens. The moment. The Hatriot moment. Other team, better team, but so generous. So generous. Why so generous? The Raiders, Steelers, Rams, Steelers (again), and now, the Chargers.

Hatriot Moment Hall of Fame

So many Hatriot moments Sunday, so little time. We highlight. Drayton Florence, for a headbutt from Heaven. Marlon McRee, for not securing the ball on an unnecessary interception (just knock it down!). Marty Shot-in-header, for forgetting the best player in football is on your team. Your ball, 4 minutes left, tie game. LT averaging over 5 yards per carry. First down, LT gets 6. Second down, throw (incomplete). Third down, throw (incomplete). Punt. Lose. Why not run, Marty? WHY NOT RUN? Repeat: Best Player in Football. WHY NOT RUN?

This is why we hate. This is why. The Hatriots only goal: boring, lifeless football. As fans point out, often winning football. Facts cannot be denied. But boring. Boring! Not fun to watch. Better teams, better players, out. We're left with: Boring.

As a fan of the game, we object. We object. It must be stopped. It will be stopped. Can it be stopped?

I wake. It is cold. I hope. Just a dream? I walk to the TV. A dream, a bad dream? Please? Sportscenter. Highlights. Brady. Smiling. Belichoke. Hugging. Vrabel. Dancing. I shiver. I retch. I ...

Nightmare in San Diego (Part 1)

2007-01-15T02:40:00.000-08:00

San Diego (INEPT) - A h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h !

N o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o !

We are screaming

Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up! Please wake me up!

The Calculus of Worry

2007-01-10T14:50:00.000-08:00

Ann Arbor, MI (INEPT) - We must admit. We are worried. The playoff picture is shaping up. And though the road is tough for our beloved Hatriots, it is not as fraught with peril as we might like.

This Guy Is Worried, Are You?

This weekend's game against the Mighty Chargers is an excellent example. San Diego has the trappings of a team that will generously give the game away to Belichoke and pals. Why?

Inexperienced QB on otherwise great team: These games tend to be about QB effectiveness, and young QBs tend to, well, stink. See Disaster in Giftsburgh (I) for example. Good ol' Phil Rivers may be in a gift-giving mood.
Belichoke knows how to stop the run: We must admit, Belichoke is usually good at taking away the run. Usually. Even in last year's beautiful smashing in Bronco-land, Denver and its mighty rush offense had trouble running the ball. SD reliance on LT makes us worry.
Any team coached by Schotty: Marty just gives us a bad feeling. Ask John Elway for details.

For these reasons, we cannot sleep. For these reasons, we continue to worry. Our constitution is strong, but is it strong enough? Each step the Hatriots take, our heart beats faster. We are not sure we can handle another off-season full of Belichoke praise and Tom 'Fraidy glory.

Dear Reader: Are our fears justified? Or should we rest easy, and hope for more Proof that God Exists, delivered to us by LT and company?

Playoff Preview: Jets Unveil Secret Weapon

2007-01-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

New England (INEPT) - In a move that startled players and coaches alike, New York Jets head coach Eric "Chuck" Mangini unveiled the Jets secret weapon for Sunday's upcoming game with the New England Hatriots:

Just Who Is This Guy?

The man, referred to simply as "Joe", immediately made his mark on the game, issuing the following statements:

Can "Joe" step in and make a contribution? Can the Jets beat the Hatriots twice on their home turf? Will "Joe" be wearing pantyhose during the game? Tune in this Sunday and find out.

INEPT Prediction for the game: Jets 103, Hatriots 2.

Potential Paramours for Brady

2006-12-24T02:23:00.000-08:00

New England (INEPT) - After recently breaking up with actress Bridget Moynahan (see picture below), Tom Brady is said to be on the prowl for a new love interest.

Brady Dumps Bridget

We here at INEPT thought we might chime in with some suggestions:

Jason Taylor: Tom got to know Jason quite well a few weeks back when the Endangered Fish blanked the Hatriots, and to Tom, at least, Jason seemed very interested in putting him flat on his back time after time. "He sure kept after me," Tom said shortly after the game.

Amanda Belichick: Who better to date than the coach's own daughter? Some potential problems here: Amanda's age (21), and the fact that her favorite team is the New York Giants.

Mrs. Carol Brady: With the same last name, she would be ready to get right down to business as the wife of the Hatriot QB. "I know how to raise a family," said Carol as she told Alice to go make dinner.

Brady apparently decided to break up with Bridget after seeing Coyote Ugly. "Boy, was that a bad movie", said Tom wistfully. "At least she wasn't the lead part. Wow."

Hatriots Score Zero Million Points

2006-12-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

Miami (INEPT) - In a game to be cherished, adored, and in general, watched again and again, the Miami Endangered Fish thumped the hapless Hatriots, 21 to 0.

However, even more interesting was the post-game interview, when a defensive Coach Bill Belichoke tried to spin the results, repeatedly iterating that his team "scored zero million points."

O'Reilly To Belichoke: How To Spin Bad News

"I'm not sure what you all are complaining about," yelled Belichoke. "After all, how often does a team score zero million points?!"

Quarterback Tom 'Fraidy agreed: "This is just another example of the media blowing things out of proportion. After all, our game plan called for us to score just about zero million points, and that is exactly what we did. In fact, if you look at the league average in team scoring, it is just about zero million points."

In related news, the Hatriots petitioned the league for a rule change to allow mind-numbingly boring teams to throw multiple forward passes on each play. "How else is a team as offensively-challenged as we are supposed to score?" uttered the relieved-looking defensive coordinator Dean Pees.

Express Your Hate In A T-Shirt

2006-12-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

New from INEPT: The Hatred Tee. Yes, you can now buy a simple, ugly, but quite comfortable T-shirt to express your feelings about those darned Hatriots at the I Hate The New England Patriots Store. Our first design:

Our First Lame T-shirt

As you can see, we spent quite a bit of time crafting our subtle message. Coming soon: Designs with actual style. Meanwhile, buy one or three for your friends, family, or even better, that Hatriot fan you know and love.

- The INEPT Staff

Hatriots: Champions of the North

2006-12-05T01:59:00.000-08:00

New England (INEPT) - Now that they have beaten the paper Lions of Detroit, we can officially crown their asses. Yes, my friends, the Hatriots are the champions of the mighty NFC North.

Belichoke: King of AFC Least and NFC North

INEPT spoke to NFL representatives this past weekend to uncover the reason for the bizarre scheduling of the entire NFC North against the Hatriots. "Isn't it enough that they play in the AFC Least, one of the worst divisions in the league?" League official Jeffrey Pash replied: "The league wanted to see if the NFC North was as bad as the AFC Least. And these games have proved it: both divisions just plain stink."

An anonymous tipster from inside the NFL offices hinted at the real reason the Hatriots schedule is chock full of bad teams. "If you're going to have one boring, bad team in a game, you might as well have two. Maybe the games will be close that way, even if they're not exciting."

In further investigations (not yet confirmed), INEPT also discovered that next year's Hatriot schedule may include select teams from the SEC.

Spreading the Hate: We Also Hate the Baltimore Ravens

2006-12-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

Cincinnati (INEPT) - The poor reader often asks: Why focus so much of your heartfelt vitriol on the poor New England Hatriots? Why do you hate this one team so much? (see [1] , [2], and [3] for some variants of this question, most with vulgarities included)

Well, dear Reader, it turns out we do hate some other teams as well. One particularly noteworthy object of our execration: The Baltimore Cravens:

Baltimore Cravens Hardhats: Yes, They Actually Sell These

Thus, we find ourselves in a semi-euphoric state after last night's shellacking at the hands of the Cincinnati Bengals. A flea-flicker that actually worked? And T.J. Whosmyname talking smack ("We are better than Baltimore") and then backing it up? Ouch, that must hurt, Ray "Attempted Murder" Lewis.

So, dear Reader, let us know: Do you too hate the lowly birds of Baltimore? Or is your hatred focused solely on that team from New England?

Bearlies To Try New Approach: Defense Only

2006-11-29T02:18:00.000-08:00

Chicago (INEPT) - The Chicago Bearlies, in the aftermath of a humiliating offensive performance against the mediocre New England Hatriots, have responded with a somewhat radical new strategy: never put the offense on the field.

"It's quite a simple approach, really," said Lovie "Dovie" Smith, the Bearlies head coach. "We just keep the defense out on the field, at all times."

Lovie Dovie: Defensive Genius

"But what about when you have the ball?" the clever Reader might ask. "Simple," explained L.D., "we just hike the ball to Urlacher, who quickly pitches it to the other team. After that, we try to strip the ball or pick it off; just get the ball somehow and run it into the endzone for a sweet six."

L.D. was also asked about the lackluster performance of QB T. Rex Grossman. "Who?" Smith replied. "Oh, right, him. No way he's getting on the field again. Seriously, no way. Are you kidding?"

In unrelated news, the Bearlies have confirmed Dennis Green's earlier comments: "We are who he thought we were, if that's how you say it," said a Bearlies spokesperson. "Really, we are."

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

2006-11-22T08:02:00.000-08:00

INEPT (New England) - It is often said that truth is stranger than fiction. And what better demonstration of this than in the name of the Hatriots defensive coordinator? Yes, my friends, we are talking about none other than the one, the only, Dean Pees.

Dean Pees. Really, he does.

Coach Pees (yes, it's fun to say) apparently is not aware of some of the issues surrounding his name, as you can see in the following news articles:

No word yet on what Coach P's middle name is.

Old Man Vinny Signed

2006-11-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

INEPT (Columbus) - In a move supported by the AARP, the Hatriots have signed quarterback Vinny Testes-verde.

Vinny: Older Than The Hatriots Thought?

Coach Belichoke explained the move: "We are looking for experience. Sometimes, experience comes at a cost, for example, not being able to walk or even feed yourself. But with good game-planning, Vinny and the rest of us can overcome these minor obstacles."

In related moves, the Hatriots have opened up talks with running back Pheidippides and punter Methuselah.

Good News, Bad News

2006-11-13T09:08:00.000-08:00

INEPT (New England) - A classic Good news, Bad news situation emerged this past Sunday as the the New York Let-them-scores upset our darling Hatriots, 17-14.

The Good News:

Any Hatriots loss is a sweet day here at INEPT

The Let-them-scores emergence may allow them to challenge for the title in the AFC Least, perhaps bumping the Hatriots from the playoffs.

We saw Belichoke demonstrate his true nature, with a cold handshake for his old pal Eric Mange-ini. Can't even choke out his name, can you, Bill?

Belichoke: Looking Good After Loss To Mange-ini

The Bad News:

The win goes to Eric Mange-ini, a Belichoke ([1] [2]) protege

The Let-them-scores won in classic Hatriot style, boring us all to death

The more teams that adopt the Hatriot style (Defense + Boring = Success), the more we all lose

So we are left in a quandary. As true Haters, can we rejoice at this Hatriot loss? Or are we concerned that the Mange-ini win marks the beginning of the spread of Hatriot-style football? What do you think, dear reader?

Brady Throws Another Pick

2006-11-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

INEPT (New England) - After returning to his home after a thorough domination at the hands of King Manning, Tom Brady was picked off once again by the neighbor's dog while trying to toss a frisbee to a friend:

Brady: Picked Again

Brady said afterwards that he "... didn't see the dog coming", and later claimed that the frisbee should have been caught by his friend, fellow Brady Buncher Kevin "Not Marshall" Faulk. "Kevin just tipped it up in the air, and the dog was there to snag it. What can you do?"

Fortunately for Brady, this fifth canine interception did not affect his passing rating, which was a brutal 34.1.

Back by Popular Demand

2006-10-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

INEPT took a much needed break - it is hard to hate so much for so long. (OK, not that hard: see [1] [2] or [3] for some examples)

But current events pull us back into the fray. Too many Hatriot victories,
and somehow, our blood starts to boil. Too few challengers in the AFC Least, and a tension builds from within. Where else can fellow Haters get together and share their stories of Hatred, and curse their common enemy? Thus, we return:

The Return of the King (of Hatred)
(note: actual INEPT staff may be less good looking)

As Tom Brady-bunch said this past weekend, "Stupidity by me." We agree, Tom: you are one stupid dude. And yes, the idea that INEPT could go away was stupid, and now, coming back, we promise never to reach this Brady-esque level of idiocy again.

Let us know what you think - do you need more Hatred in your life?

Hate Still Strong

2006-09-21T02:08:00.000-07:00

The Hate is Still Strong, INEPT is happy to report, but is now focusing a bit on things more collegiate in nature. Enjoy this new direction and keep the spirit of hating alive!

AFC Championship Wrap-up: Hatriots Play "Respect" Card

2006-01-23T19:25:00.000-08:00

After last Sunday's AFC Championship game, INEPT
staffers asked for some post-game opinions from
their favorites Hatriots players. INEPT was surprised
to hear these responses:

Rodney Harrison said "Nobody thought we could win the
championship game. Nobody! After three super bowls,
how could they disrespect us like that?" Uh, Rodney,
wasn't the game between Giftsburgh and the Mile-high
Broncos? "See, that's exactly what I'm talking about."
Harrison replied as he stormed out of the room on
the way to anger management class.

INEPT also asked Hatriot QB Tom Brady about the
perceived lack of respect for the Hatriots chances
last Sunday. "Each week we have to hear how we can't
win. Well, after yesterday, I hope we put an end to
all of that talk." Uh, Tom, weren't you sitting at
home on your A** this past Sunday? "What? I wasn't
listening - I was reading my Playboy magazine here.
See it? I'm a totally normal dude, really."

INEPT turned to Hatriot favorite overachiever Teddy
Brainski for his thoughts on the "final four" of
the NFL and the perceived lack of respect for the
Hatriots, Brainski responded: "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find
out what it means to me! Aren't those words to live
by? And I love the final four. Who doesn't? I mean,
two plus two IS four, isn't it? Hold on, OK, I can
feel my arm again. Now where were we?"

INEPT also has inside information that Coach Belichoke
spent Sunday morning in the locker room building up
the Hatriots with one of his best "us against them"
speeches. "Everyone thought we would lose this week
in the championship game. Everyone! And all I ask
of you is this: did we?" No coach, you're right, you
didn't.

The End of an Era

2006-01-15T03:51:00.000-08:00

Seasons come and seasons go. Time marches on. And
eras, whether those of extreme joy or immense suffering,
do come to an end.

No, we are not speaking of the end of the Hatriot Whine-asty;
years from now, many will realize that ended with last year's
departure of HAC'ers Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel.

We interrupt this post to report another Patriot turnover.
Now back to your regularly scheduled posting.

Rather, we mark with sadness what may be the end of
the Era of Hate. It began with one of the worst calls in
the history of football - the tuck rule - and may just have
ended last night with a 27-13 dismantling in Denver.

For after all, how can one truly hate that which is only mediocre?
Last night it was the Broncos that won in true Hatriot fashion,
forcing timely turnovers and taking advantage of what was given
to them - exactly the type of play we learned to revile so much
these past few years. The Hatriots, in contrast, resembled the
Giftsburgh Steelers, doing everything they could to lose what
was a winnable game. Alas.

We interrupt again to report that Champ Bailey is still
running and has finally neared the endzone.

What will we do, with so much vitriol, and yet no team worthy of
our hatred? What will fill this immense void in our lives?
Will another team rise up and earn our enmity?
Another coach our scorn?

One final interruption to report that Willie McGinest has
just taken a swing at Coach Belichoke, the Hatriot mascot,
and his mother.

Only time will tell. Until then, my fellow Haters, do what is
natural to you - celebrate, or perhaps mourn, the passing
of an era of malice, an era of abhorrence, yes, my friends,
an era of true Hatred.

INEPT's Top Three Reasons Hatriots Will Lose

2006-01-13T09:49:00.000-08:00

3. Mike Shanahan: Forgotten Genius. Is there
anyone itching to knock supposed genius Bill
Belichoke around more than last decade's
genius, Mike Shanahan? Recall that in Shanahan,
we have a guy who led the Broncos to two
straight Super Bore victories with a QB well
past his prime, and is generally considered
an "offensive mastermind" (er, rather, a
"mastermind of offense"). What better to
motivate this real genius than a chance to
rub Belichoke's face in it, perhaps even
get him fired?

2. Denver: Pot City, USA. This past November,
citizens of Denver voted to legalize the possession
of small amounts of marijuana. While having little
affect on the home team, visitors often indulge
themselves in what is now more appropriately referred
to as the "Mile High" city. INEPT predicts that at
least half of the Hatriots to be stoned during
the game, including medicinal user Teddy Brainski.

1. January 14th: Anti-Patriots Day. The day
of the game, 1/14, is coincidentally none other
than Benedict Arnold's birthday. Is there any more
ill omen for the Hatriots than to have to play on
the day where America's most well-known Anti-Patriot
was born?

Jacksonville Kittens Flawed Strategy

2006-01-11T09:44:00.000-08:00

INEPT has uncovered information from an inside source
about the flawed approach taken by the Jacksonville
Kitty-cats in last week's Beatdown in Gillette Town.

Sources revealed that the codename for the Kitty's strategy
was "Three and Out", and centered around scoring just
three points and shutting out the Hatriots for the win.

When asked about the flawed approach, Kitkat coach
Jack Del Rio said that "it was a sound game plan,
up until they scored the first of four touchdowns."

A follow-up question inquired as to whether Del Rio
thought about changing the strategy when the Hatriots
took the lead. Del Rio looked puzzled for a moment
and responded "Change is for the weak. Three and Out
was put in by this coaching staff after a lot of
hard work. We weren't about to throw all that out
the window."

The questioning ended when Jack bent over
slightly and puked.

The Days of Yesteryear: A Suggestion

2006-01-03T08:08:00.000-08:00

In yesterday's intentional loss to the Miami Chowder,
Hatriot's backup Doug Flutie attempted an extra
point in the old style, drop kicking the ball through
the uprights for the point after.

INEPT takes this opportunity to suggest that the
Hatriots continue exploring the revitalization of
such football anachronisms in this week's playoff
game with the Jacksonville Kittens. Here are some
suggestions:

Leather Helmets: Why use the clunky, metallic, protective
modern helmets we have grown so used to? The old style leather
helmets are lighter, sleeker, and retain their utility with
a good oiling twice a week.

No Forward Passes: Knute Rockne ushered in the era
of the forward pass - why shouldn't Bill Belichoke usher it out?
Stick to handoffs and fancy lateral plays for a quarter,
a half, or even the entire game!

Rugby-style scoring: Why demand six points for a touchdown,
when a try was only worth 3 points back in 1957? Explicitly
arrange for your touchdowns to count for this more humble
amount.

By reverting to this traditional style, how could the Hatriots lose?
Just some kindly advice from your friends here at INEPT.

Fire Bill Belichick

2005-12-27T12:45:00.000-08:00

Sick of all the endless pratter about the
Hatriot Dynasty? (or rather, Whine-asty)

Tired of all the personal pieces about
Bill Belichick, great coach, but even better
family man?

Or just simply worn out by the endless winning
with the most boring team in Football?

Dear reader: it is time to take action! Rise
and unite! Let us together begin our grass
roots effort here and now, and send a clear
message to Hatriot ownership: Fire Bill Belichick!

If you believe in this vision, join us! Leave
your name and home city as a reply to this message;
we will do the rest, collecting these e-signatures
and sending them to the Kraft family.

Don't let simple hatred be enough -- it is time
to turn your own personal hatred into an organized
effort to turn this successful franchise around.

Bonus: An easy way to get to this site, in case
ye forget: www.firebelichick.org. Enjoy!

INEPT Goes On The Air

2005-12-25T13:05:00.000-08:00

INEPT staff member Remzi Arpaci-Dusseau recently
was interviewed on New England radio
station WARL, 1320 "The Drive", discussing
a broad range of topics.

The hosts of "Rush Hour" focused on questions such as
"Why do you hate the Patriots so much?" and "Which
players do you hate?" Arpaci-Dusseau did (regrettably)
admit that hatred is a form of respect.

The interview came after a phone call to Arpaci-Dusseau's
home, where the host Bill Skog asked Arpaci-Dusseau
if he wanted to be interviewed about why he hated
the Patriots so much. Arpaci-Dusseau reportedly said
"Sure."

Come back soon for a complete recording of the broadcast.

Hatriots Clinch AFC LEast

2005-12-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

Well, dear Reader, it's as we feared -- the Hatriots have clinched
the worst division in football, the AFC LEast.

We here at INEPT thought it fine time to remind our readers of
the fierce competition the Hatriots must face to make the playoffs:

The Buffalo Nils. Claim to fame: Four Super Bore appearances.
At least one was close - thanks Scott Norwood!

The New York Jettisons. Amazingly, the Jettison's are only
New York's second-most boring team! Not a tall task,
if you've ever seen They Might Be Giants play.

The Miami Endangered Fish. Nick Saban has breathed new
life into this crumbling organization. Hopefully, he will
revitalize the Fish just like he did the MSU Spartans: a
mediocre 34-24 record before he fled for LSU. Go Nick!

A first round matchup with the toothless Jaguars looms,
and then the game all true Haters need to see: King Manning
slaying the Hatriot Whine-asty with his mighty arm.

Can Manning save us from another Hatriot run at the title?
Yes, dear Reader, he can.
Yes, INEPT says, he will.
Yes, if the football gods can hear us, he must.

King Manning Comes To Town

2005-11-08T07:17:00.000-08:00

Need we say more?

Bruschi's Brain

2005-11-01T05:02:00.000-08:00

Hatriot Hype this week was focused on
one thing: the return of the typical Hatriot
overachiever, Teddy Bruschi. As we all know,
Bruschi had a stroke last year, and has struggled
to get back to game form since.

Some interesting quotes make INEPT speculate:
is Bruschi really ready for action? Read these
recent Bruschi quotes and wonder:
"I'm ready for this game, physically, mentally,
emotionally, and mentally."

"I didn't do this without looking into it carefully.
I asked my doctors, my wife, my coach, and
my doctors. They all agreed: Coke is much better
than Pepsi."

"I'm ready to play the game that I love so
much again, the game I've been away from
for too long, the game that makes me what I
am. That game, my friends, is Monopoly.
INEPT was also disturbed by the strange and
unnerving buzzing sound coming from Bruschi's
spinal cord, as well his inability to move the right
side of his face.

Although we here at INEPT focus our vitriol
on anything that even has the faintest Hatriot
smell (and yes, our pal Bruschi reeks with the
best of them), we find ourselves wondering:
is Genius Bill so desperate for a win to risk
the lives of his players?

INEPT wonders if Bill and pals have read
the American Stroke Association's (ASA)
guidelines for stroke recovery. Tip #3:
When recovering from a stroke, do not,
we repeat, do NOT play football at
the professional level (emphasis
ours). Has the Hatriot organization sold
their souls once again to manufacture a
victory? INEPT asks these difficult questions,
but only you, dear reader, can answer them.

Hail Troy!

2005-10-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

We take a break from our regularly scheduled
Hatred to bring you an installment from the
Hatriot Alumni Club (HAC). Today's HAC'er:
former offensive coordinator Chuckie
"I'm not too" Weis. And it's not just his
hair cut that is so offensive.

After weeks of hype and buildup, we find
that the Flailing Irish are 4-2 and giving
up nearly 400 yards per game. Perhaps this
Weis-guy should give his old pal Juliet
Crennel a call and ask about that thing
that is known as "the opposite of offense".
As the Bard famously penned, "Defense,
Defense, where art thou, Irish Defense?"

INEPT particularly enjoyed watching the
Irish bumble the game away against the
Heroes from Troy, giving up a 70-yard
pass on 4th and 9 and then managing to
"win" the game ("the clock ran down to 0!")
and then lose it moments later. The look on
former Hatriot un-Weis's face will remain
in the INEPT Hall of Agony for years
to come. At least Chuckie's still got
his health!

Coming soon: INEPT describes (with glee) how
the Hatriots were dismantled in what is now
referred to around the league as the
Mile-High Massacre.

Dear Mike Vick

2005-10-09T19:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Mike Vick,

Where were you when INEPT needed you?
A rare chance to put a dagger in the
heart of the wretched Hatriots, and
you are nowhere to be found in a 31-28
loss. Did your tummy hurt?
Or perhaps you had a boo-boo?

Vick said he was "feeling positive"
about playing against the Beleaguered
Hatriots, who, due to numerous injuries,
are down to three players on the active
roster. Yet when game time came,
Mikey was nowhere to be found.
What's the matter, Mikey, don't you like
playing football? Wait, don't answer that.
INEPT has scoured the globe and indeed
we found that Mikey likes it.

Sincereley,
The INEPT Team

p.s. use your $12M bonus to buy
some more syllables for your name.

Proof that God Exists: 41-17

2005-10-02T19:09:00.000-07:00

The debate rages on.

On one side, science, and Darwinian evolution.

On the other side, religion, now in the form
of intelligent design.

Does God exist, INEPT wonders?

We need wonder no more. "Why?", the INEPT reader asks.
How can INEPT be so certain?

Look no further than San Diego's epic mauling
of our beloved Hatriots. Can such a blessed
occurance arise without a Divine presence?

Tom Brady Finally Gets It Right

2005-10-02T13:34:00.000-07:00

Not much to say after the Disaster in Giftsburgh III.

However, Tom Brady finally got it right after the game.
A heartfelt INEPT congrats to Tom Brady for this rare moment of insight!

Walking off the field, a smug grin plastered on his face,
Brady yelled ''They hate us. They hate us here. But we love it."

Yes, Tom, they do hate you, and so does the Hater Nation
here at INEPT.

From the Ashes: A Blog is Reborn

2005-09-22T18:57:00.000-07:00

You have all waited so long.

And you have been oh so patient.

The time has finally come, my friends.

We are back from the dead, to display
our enmity for that team out east, to
curse the most boring team ever to
play our mighty game.

Yes, the season is on, and another year
of Hating must begin.

But first, a rebirth -- or rather, a
rebranding. We all know the importance
of acronyms, and this site hasn't had
one worthy of its repute (I Hate The
New England Patriots becomes IHTNEP,
not a pleasant mouthful if there ever
was one).

And so, a subtle rearrangement:
I hate the New England PaTriots,
or rather, in its full-frontal glory, INEPT.

Look it up in the dictionary, dear
Hatriot fan, and you will learn what this
site is really all about.

IHTNEP Year End Awards

2005-02-12T02:09:00.000-08:00

Well, my friends, that time of year has come, when all fans of IHTNEP must find other pursuits, new ways to spend their time, something to fill the void; yes, dear readers, it is time for the IHTNEP Off-Season Hiatus. Dry your tears, dear reader - we'll be back next season with our hatred fully intact.

But we do have a little business to take care of first. The film industry has the Oscars, television the Emmys; but these silly productions pale in comparison with what you're about to see; that's right, dear readers, it is now time for the IHTNEP Year-end Staff Awards! With so much effort put into maintaining this glorious site, how can we not spend a little time and thank those behind the scenes who make the magic happen?

We include some highlights below. For each award, we also present snippets from the transcript of the commentary that took place during the IHTNEP Year-end Staff Awards dinner.

The Most Likely To Be Killed By Corey Dillon award

Commentary: No surprise here - TwoFacedCorey brings Corey hatred to new levels, and someday it might cost him. Check this page our for an example of the animosity that could come back to haunt dear TwoFaced someday.

The Most Likely To Pull His Hammy award

Commentary: A repeat winner; PapaGordy owns this category. (IHTNEP note: we apologize for the graphic imagery)

The Missing-In-Action Award

Commentary: Who the hell is Robin Masters?

The Best Zinger Award

Commentary: So much to choose from here, but the winner was clear. Watch out, lame posters to this site, or you'll feel the Zing! (or should we say the Burn?)

The Best Fan of IHTNEP Award

No winner.

Commentary: Once again, no entries in this category.

So there you have it, folks. Let's have some applause. Bringing this much hatred can take something out of a person, so it's important to let the staff know that they're making a difference. (Of course, you can always show your appreciation through financial means, for example, by buying a Hater's hat.) Either way, it is you, dear reader, that get the final nod: the IHTNEP Endurance Award, given, of course, for those who have read just a single word or have suffered through all of the postings with us. So tell your friends, your neighbors, your mother; you earned it and should definitely feel proud.

I Hate The New England Patriots

Mailbag!

More Mailbag!

Mailbag!

Tin Foil On Your Head

Pats Blog Roundup (Part 2): Actually Kind of Reasonable

Welcome, New Haters

Other Patriot Blogs Also Suck

Note to World: Boston Sportswriters Suck, Too

Walsh: The Aftermath

A Culture of Cheating

Here He Comes

South Park Destroys Belichick

More Mailbag

Mailbag!

Boston: Hatin' on Belichick Too

The Hatred Is Spreading

Random Hatred, Mockery, Etc.

The Giant Drive

More lolcatz... er... dogz

Die-Nasty

Spygate Continues

SuperBore Preview: Final Press Roundup

SuperBore Prediction

Mailbag

Belichick Finally Finds Love

Main Stream Media: Still Sucks

Press Roundup

Truth is Stranger than Fiction: Moynahan Masks

Bootgate

Two Weeks of Torture: It Begins

San Diego: Keys to Victory

San Diego T-Shirt: Now Available

lolcats

Haters Song

INEPT 15 Minutes of Fame: Continued

Jaguar Playoff T-shirt: Now Available

The Gauntlet

The Moss Distortion Factor

Hoping for 16-0

Pure Class: The Hatriot Way

Patriots: The New Bills

New England Loses at (European) Football

The New York Post Rules

Headlines

Halfway Season Summary: Oh Shit

I'm Back!

Mailbag!

Brady Takes Over Kicking Duties

Here Comes T.O.

Welcome Back, Rodney

It's Official: Cheaters Prosper

Spielberg Signed For Next Video Series

Welcome To The Hatred-sphere

I'll Be Back

Welcome, Spurs: We Hate You Too

Store News: Special T-shirt for New York Jets Fans

Tommy Puts a Cap On

Why We Hate

Draft Recap: Hatriots show true American Spirit

Brady: Oh Yeah!

In Case You Missed It

New Staff Member: Josh Howard

Mr. Perfect responds: "Oops"

Superbowl Recap: A Rival is Born

Superbowl Preview

Oh. My. God. 38-34!

Top Five Reasons Hatriots Will Lose Sunday

The Fall of Rome: AFC Championship Prediction

Nightmare in San Diego (Part 2)

Nightmare in San Diego (Part 1)

The Calculus of Worry

Playoff Preview: Jets Unveil Secret Weapon

Potential Paramours for Brady

Hatriots Score Zero Million Points

Express Your Hate In A T-Shirt

Hatriots: Champions of the North

Spreading the Hate: We Also Hate the Baltimore Ravens

Bearlies To Try New Approach: Defense Only

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction